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Original poster

Relationship ended for what feels like the wrong reason

159 replies

Lambzig · 07/08/2023 07:53

I am really struggling with a break up and I don’t know what to do. I expect because there’s nothing that I can do.

I had been with my boyfriend for six months. Which I know isn’t very long but that doesn’t seem to be helping. I had really fallen for him.

Both of us ended very long marriages two years ago reasonably amicably (we thought) and are divorced. I am 53 he’s 50. We had known each other a few years through mutual friends and had always got on well. We agreed to have a coffee when we found we were in the same city and things just grew from there.

It’s been an incredible six months. It felt like we were true kindred spirits. I have never had a relationship like it, the intimacy, the incredible sex but also the support he gave me through a difficult time at work, the deep conversations, the physical closeness. It was so lovely. He said the same. We were in the early stages of love and had talked about lots of future plans, maybe moving in next year, a holiday at Christmas, etc.

Then last week his ex wife and him met up to discuss things for their youngest sons gap year and while he went to the loo she snooped on his phone and found intimate (just nudes with an erection, nothing awful) photos he had sent me. Neither of us really understand why this upset her so much, from what I’ve been told she is very prudish, but she went absolutely ballistic, saying it was disgusting. She sent the photos to her sons (18 and 20) saying see what sort of father you have.

His eldest son is very upset and currently not speaking to him.

We had still been messaging, he said I was being incredibly supportive but I was giving him some space to deal with it.

He called me two days ago to say sorry, that he has to end it because he can’t risk losing his sons and his ex has said if he ends this disgusting relationship she will help him with his children. But otherwise she thinks he will be a bad influence. I tried to persuade him not to break up ( I think I practically begged at one point), but he says although he’s going to be really unhappy without me, we just both just have to accept this.

In that call it felt like I was already in the past tense for him, he was very rational and calm and the shutters had gone down.

I could cope if it was that he didn’t want to see me anymore because his feelings have changed but this feels so utterly awful. I just want him back.

I suppose I have to accept that he had a choice but he didn’t choose me. But it seems so wrong to break up over this.

I keep hoping he’ll change his mind because I know he felt what I felt. He suggested we let the dust settle and talk again today, he also said he’d like if there was any way possible for us to be friends.

I’ve been devastated, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. I’m supposed to be going on holiday on Thursday and I don’t want to go.

I am heartbroken and I could really do with some advice about what to say or do when we speak.

OP posts:
Icequeen01 · 07/08/2023 11:25

Rosiem2808 · 07/08/2023 11:16

Maybe it's just me but I wouldn't be having any kind of relationship with a man who sends dick picks to anyone ! Dick pick ick...

This x 1,000. It's the sort of thing an immature 18 year old would do. Just yuck. I would have finished the relationship as soon as I received the photo!

Original poster
Lambzig · 07/08/2023 11:32

arethereanyleftatall · 07/08/2023 10:50

I'm possibly two relationships ahead of you op, so I'll tell you my story in the hope that it helps.

Similar to you, I'm divorced after 20 year marriage, similar age, happily single often but I've also had 2 x 6 month ish relationships.

They were both AWESOME. A billion times better than relationships I had in my twenties, a billion times better than my marriage. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because you know what you want, the confidence is so high so the sex is so much better. Also you don't 'need' to be in a relationship, you simply want to be, so your boundaries are high.

Anyway, it's better. So much better.

But here's where the problem is - that's the norm. We're all in the same boat, possibly years of a miserable marriage. And then comes this.

And you think it's magic, and destiny and your soul mate. I went too deep with my first one too quickly, because it was so much better than I'd ever experienced. Scared him off really.

I think my point is that my experience is that relationships are generally so much better in your fifties than twenties, so it's easy to get carried away that this is the one.

This is very useful thank you.

In that case I think dating is not for me as I also think the hurt is worse in your 50s.

OP posts:
Janieforever · 07/08/2023 11:42

I find it very odd that two adult men, the sons, both at uni, would take such a Reaction to knowing their dad had a sex life, and that you were being sent screen shots of the messages.

personally I’d believe he’s making this shit up.

Icequeen01 · 07/08/2023 11:48

Janieforever · 07/08/2023 11:42

I find it very odd that two adult men, the sons, both at uni, would take such a Reaction to knowing their dad had a sex life, and that you were being sent screen shots of the messages.

personally I’d believe he’s making this shit up.

I should imagine that the sons are ashamed of both parents to be honest. His dad for acting like an 18 year old sending dick pics and their mum for traumatising them by sending a photo of their dad's erect penis!

If this is true ....

FloydPepper · 07/08/2023 11:49

Slightly surprised (not really) that on a thread where someone has had intimate photos seen without permission, forwarded on without permission, and used as leverage to shame, discredit and alienate from family, that many posters are saying the victim is lying, or was too weak to stand up to this, or is somehow else to blame

oh, it’s a man. That’s ok then

Janieforever · 07/08/2023 11:53

FloydPepper · 07/08/2023 11:49

Slightly surprised (not really) that on a thread where someone has had intimate photos seen without permission, forwarded on without permission, and used as leverage to shame, discredit and alienate from family, that many posters are saying the victim is lying, or was too weak to stand up to this, or is somehow else to blame

oh, it’s a man. That’s ok then

I don’t really read it the same. I mean I don’t know if any 18 and 20 year old uni lads who would react like this, want to end their relationship with their father over it.and the man taking screen shots of their convos and sending it to the op. It’s so very odd.

Clymene · 07/08/2023 11:56

FloydPepper · 07/08/2023 11:49

Slightly surprised (not really) that on a thread where someone has had intimate photos seen without permission, forwarded on without permission, and used as leverage to shame, discredit and alienate from family, that many posters are saying the victim is lying, or was too weak to stand up to this, or is somehow else to blame

oh, it’s a man. That’s ok then

Where's that Britney yawning gif when you need it

Doggytastic · 07/08/2023 11:58

Floppyear · 07/08/2023 08:12

I could cope if it was that he didn’t want to see me anymore because his feelings have changed

id hazard a guess they have changed but he doesn’t have the balls to tell you so made up this nonsense story

My first thoughts too I’m afraid.

Yesabsolutely · 07/08/2023 12:06

I am disgusted that she sent the dick pics to her sons . What normally Mother would do that ? Bloody shocking!

villamariavintrapp · 07/08/2023 12:16

Well she sent them from his phone, so unlikely that they'd know she did it, rather that they would think their father was sending them dick pics, which would explain their keenness to cut contact! But anyway he's shown you who he is by how he's dealt with this, and if it hadn't been this it would have been something else. He's weak and you're disposable. You deserve better.

BethDuttonsTwin · 07/08/2023 12:20

arethereanyleftatall · 07/08/2023 08:09

I'm afraid you haven't got the full story.

'Your father is absolutely disgusting.'
'Why, what's he done.'
'He's sent nude photos of himself to his girlfriend.'
'So what? Can I have a biscuit?'

Not necessarily. A manipulative and abusive person very often brings their kids along for the ride and often they develop the same ideas and values as a protective mechanism - too afraid to push back and risk their wrath being turned on them. This reads like an abusive situation to me, where he is too scared to properly challenge and stand up to her. Either way you’re better off out of it.

GoingInsaneAhhh · 07/08/2023 12:23

Difficult situation op. I really feel for you. I hope youre ok x

Cloudburstings · 07/08/2023 12:28

@Lambzig i agree your DP’s ex is controlling and abusive.

imagine if the sexes were reversed here an extra wife whose ex husband had gone through her phone and then sent intimate images to their children without consent.

that is at least one, possibly several crimes.

given how someone who has been manipulated and abused for a long time can find it hard to see how they have been / still are trapped and controlled, i do think it IS your role as someone who cares for him to calmly point that out to him.

whether you are able / want to support him through this when his first instinct is to run away is actually a separate question.

i say at a minimum you need to back right off, but not necessarily say now that the possibility of a future relationship (with him or anyone else) is wrong for you.

you’ve had a shock. You’re vulnerable and hurting. That’s the wrong place to make long term decisions from.

aSofaNearYou · 07/08/2023 12:29

End of the day if you have children with someone it often gives them precedent as really you will always be a family with that person.

I mean this really depends on the person, my DP would rather die than be "family" with his ex.

I agree with others saying I'd be surprised that an 18-20 year old would find this to be a major issue. If they have genuinely reacted terribly I think it must have been one of three things- 1) they're just embarrassed to have seen the naked pic, which tbh I would expect to blow over. 2) they're more upset about finding out their dad is moving on, which is a standard separation thing and not something they shouldn't get over in time or that his dad shouldn't persevere in getting them used to. 3) they are warped by their mother and are genuinely deeply prudish and prone to being highly dramatic.

Whichever one of those three things it is, your ex has either massively overreacted to this out of fear of rocking the boat - which would spell trouble for anyone hoping to be in a relationship with him as it would likely become a pattern of behaviour and your life would revolve around his fear of upsetting his kids - or he's right to have reacted like that, in which case, for obvious reasons, you've still dodged a bullet.

So sad as it is, the reality is you've probably had a lucky escape here.

Original poster
Lambzig · 07/08/2023 12:35

Thank you all.

I was shown the screenshots because he was asking me what he could do. I really feel for him but I haven’t seen the message that was sent to his sons (from her phone) or what she said. Just the vitriol about him being an unfit father from her. And the ones from his son.

We often sent each other screenshots of conversations with others where we needed advice or support. I don’t find that bit odd.

But yes I think I have to step away. He’ll either figure this out, or he won’t. He’s either being honest or he isn’t.

OP posts:
lunaalice · 07/08/2023 12:42

If he wants a relationship with you he should tell his sons to grow up and stay away from his ex. He doesn't need contact with her any longer.

Fannyfiggs · 07/08/2023 12:44

He's an unfit father because he wanted to send a sexy pic to his gf. The woman is a headcase.

Don't make any decisions just now. Tell him you'll speak to him when you return from your holiday. Go on your holiday (looking fabulous because of the heartbreak diet) and have a damn good time!

oviraptor21 · 07/08/2023 12:51

If he really is a GP then he will be shit scared that the ex is going to share the photos further if he doesn't toe the line.

electriclight · 07/08/2023 13:01

I think he should have told his ex wife and sons that he is allowed a private life and a sex life, and what he sends to his girlfriend is nobody else's business.

I think his boys would have understood that if he'd discussed it with them, even if it took some time.

The fact that he didn't speaks volumes and you are probably better out of the relationship now rather than a year down the line when you were even more committed and entangled.

And I also feel that there are things that don't ring true, despite the screenshots. Are you sure it was a photo of him naked that disgusted everyone? It is hard to believe that his ex would be so disgusted and furious about that, or that she'd send it to her sons. Might she have found something else?

Original poster
Lambzig · 07/08/2023 13:04

oviraptor21 · 07/08/2023 12:51

If he really is a GP then he will be shit scared that the ex is going to share the photos further if he doesn't toe the line.

I think this is part of it too.

OP posts:
SquishyGloopyBum · 07/08/2023 13:16

He could actually go to the police about the photos. It's illegal. If that really is his fear then he has options.....

Tidsleytiddy · 07/08/2023 13:41

Rosiem2808 · 07/08/2023 11:16

Maybe it's just me but I wouldn't be having any kind of relationship with a man who sends dick picks to anyone ! Dick pick ick...

Glad you said that because that’s what I was thinking. Yuk

dottiedodah · 07/08/2023 13:41

I think arethereanyleftatall is correct with their comments .People in their 40s or 50s have a lot of lifetime experiences, and will often match up well.Especially after a difficult marriage .Maybe he was the one maybe not. it seems he was way too invested in his wife and family.Surely most young guys would not want to see this kind of thing, but would get over it in time. Its not the 1800s! That said I wouldnt care for this sort of photo myself .I would go on holiday if you can .Try to relax and just think of it as a break.When you come back you may feel better and more able to think clearly

Greengrassohla · 07/08/2023 14:55

It seems really strange that his son wasn’t just horrified with the mother for sending the pic. Surely anything can see that that is a massive violation of privacy.

KatherineSwynford1403 · 07/08/2023 15:15

Rosiem2808 · 07/08/2023 11:16

Maybe it's just me but I wouldn't be having any kind of relationship with a man who sends dick picks to anyone ! Dick pick ick...

I wouldn't either, I wouldn't do it in a relationship or marriage either. But many people do, I think it's sad, but lots don't and the OP and the GP well, fair enough if they wanted to, they're consenting adults and the pictures weren't meant to be shared outside the relationship. The ex-wife sounds like a nutcase though and he sounds like a wimp for being still controlled by her. She's also committed a criminal offence.

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