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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Lack of Intimacy is Killing Me

169 replies

Angela1973 · 06/08/2023 08:02

I’m a 49 year old woman, turning 50 soon. My partner of nearly 2 years is almost 64. He looks good, in great shape. We are compatible in many areas with similar interests, views, lifestyles. He’s a good conversationalist. Knows what he wants in life and very practical.
We fell in love surprisingly quick and had both been single a while.
My issue is that for a while he’s been less affectionate both in words and physically. He used to kiss and hug me often, sit holding hands, lots of caresses. His words were loving and caring and had pet names for me. He loved to cuddle in bed and enjoyed sexual intimacy.
Then he started changing and became increasingly distant physically in the bedroom and just generally. Even the way he speaks to me changed and he has become distant. I feel very rejected and it’s like I’m in a purely platonic relationship and I’m dying inside because I need and miss that physical closeness. I have spoken to him often about this and asked what is wrong and if I have done anything wrong. I even asked if he has someone else he’s seeing on the side because why does a man suddenly lose interest. When I raise the subject he dismisses it and even gets annoyed. He claims he loves me and wants me in his life, yet it’s at the stage mostly where I feel like his roommate. It’s not just about lack of sex which only happens occasionally when he desires, but all the other signs of affection and loving words are almost extinct.
Maybe I’m being too sensitive but I don’t want to carry on feeling this kind of rejection and not knowing if the spark is going to come back his side.
Do I hang in there or give up?

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 06/08/2023 08:04

Give up. You’ve asked him to be more loving and he isn’t. TBH, at his age, I’m not surprised at the sex declining.

dogsweetdog · 06/08/2023 08:06

Give up. My relationship is like this but we've been married 30 years so there would be a lot of fall out if I gave up - yours sounds a relatively new relationship.

Fitflop5 · 06/08/2023 08:08

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Angela1973 · 06/08/2023 08:08

He had a high sex drive then suddenly hardly any interest and only when he wants it. Yet he constantly comments over and looks at pretty or sexy women whether on a screen or elsewhere and he’s quite capable of masturbating regularly

OP posts:
Fitflop5 · 06/08/2023 08:09

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Angela1973 · 06/08/2023 08:12

I understand all this but he was very capable and interested until about 8 months ago. He looks at porn every day. It’s just a lack of interest towards me personally it seems because I’m saying he’s not affectionate anymore either and the way he talks to me most of the time is almost like I’m just a mate, not a partner

OP posts:
Needanewnamebeingwatched · 06/08/2023 08:16

He's 14 yrs your senior, he has got his nursemaid ready. He's giving just enough to keep you hanging.

I would leave this one and move on

sadaboutmycat · 06/08/2023 08:16

I am 60, and would not stay with a man this disrespectful to you.
Look at what you have said OP.

In my experience, he kept up an act for 18 months, and what you have now is his real self, now he thinks he's reeled you in.

There will be a better man for you out there.

AllSoComplicated · 06/08/2023 08:16

Bin him off.

A porn user aged 62 who won't communicate when you're upset..no good. Sorry.

WhatDoIKnowAboutThis · 06/08/2023 08:17

Oh, man, I have the opposite problem and just made a thread about it.

Fitflop5 · 06/08/2023 08:20

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Angela1973 · 06/08/2023 08:21

I could live without sex if I knew he physically was struggling, so long as there was still affection - the kisses, caresses, loving speech, little things like holding hands while watching TV or on a walk

OP posts:
RuthTopp · 06/08/2023 08:21

This sounds very familiar to me , but have been in the relationship for much longer than you and don't know about the porn side.
As your relationship is reasonably newish I wouldn't be prepared to put up with it.
Rip the plaster off and get rid.

Rubbishgatherer · 06/08/2023 08:22

If he looks at porn every day he's still interested in sex. Sadly I think he's not interested in sex with you, especially if he isn't cuddly or affectionate anymore.

Angela1973 · 06/08/2023 08:26

He barely even says I love you anymore even though I’m always saying it to him. He says I should know by now that he loves me and he should not have to be drooling over me to prove it. I don’t expect that. But I do want him to make more effort to treat me like a girlfriend and not a tenant

OP posts:
AllSoComplicated · 06/08/2023 08:27

The reality is that he won't talk about it so if you stay, you're just waiting and hoping for things to go back to how they were. This is miserable.

It's not just about sex. It's about your so called partner not communicating properly and caring about how you feel.

Angela1973 · 06/08/2023 08:28

That’s exactly what I feel and have said so to him. His opinion is that if sex is such a big deal then leave. The big deal here is to feel wanted. He’s happy because things are going the way he wants but I’m being neglected and that’s not a problem to him

OP posts:
AllSoComplicated · 06/08/2023 08:29

If those were his words (drooling over you....) That's awful. It's gaslighting. Honestly, you don't want this to be your future.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 06/08/2023 08:32

“Do I hang in there or give up”

Give up. This is who he really is.

Newestname002 · 06/08/2023 08:33

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 06/08/2023 08:16

He's 14 yrs your senior, he has got his nursemaid ready. He's giving just enough to keep you hanging.

I would leave this one and move on

Sorry this is the first thought that came to me.

Not just the not having sex unless he himself initiates it (does he show he cares for you when he is being intimate?), but showing no affection in word or deed during your normal day to day living. 🌹

DustyLee123 · 06/08/2023 08:34

Angela1973 · 06/08/2023 08:28

That’s exactly what I feel and have said so to him. His opinion is that if sex is such a big deal then leave. The big deal here is to feel wanted. He’s happy because things are going the way he wants but I’m being neglected and that’s not a problem to him

Exactly, he’s happy, but you’re not.
You’re too young for this.
And he’s looking at porn and banging one off while you’re begging for affection ? I don’t think so.

Angela1973 · 06/08/2023 08:36

I realise I’m basically 50 years old but this is still hurtful and confusing to me because the first year together was great. He was very affectionate and attentive and paid me a lot of attention. Then I moved in with him and it’s Like he makes little effort anymore but when I broach the topic, he gets angry

OP posts:
readingismycardio · 06/08/2023 08:37

Angela1973 · 06/08/2023 08:08

He had a high sex drive then suddenly hardly any interest and only when he wants it. Yet he constantly comments over and looks at pretty or sexy women whether on a screen or elsewhere and he’s quite capable of masturbating regularly

Ew. Sorry, but that would be a deal breaker for me!

DustyLee123 · 06/08/2023 08:37

So now we’re adding gas lighting too. Becoming angry is creeping into abuse. I really can’t see why you’re still there.

LightSpeeds · 06/08/2023 08:37

Please just dump him. He's not worthy of you.

Leave him to his porn.