Lack of Intimacy is Killing Me

[Angela1973]

I’m a 49 year old woman, turning 50 soon. My partner of nearly 2 years is almost 64. He looks good, in great shape. We are compatible in many areas with similar interests, views, lifestyles. He’s a good conversationalist. Knows what he wants in life and very practical.
We fell in love surprisingly quick and had both been single a while.
My issue is that for a while he’s been less affectionate both in words and physically. He used to kiss and hug me often, sit holding hands, lots of caresses. His words were loving and caring and had pet names for me. He loved to cuddle in bed and enjoyed sexual intimacy.
Then he started changing and became increasingly distant physically in the bedroom and just generally. Even the way he speaks to me changed and he has become distant. I feel very rejected and it’s like I’m in a purely platonic relationship and I’m dying inside because I need and miss that physical closeness. I have spoken to him often about this and asked what is wrong and if I have done anything wrong. I even asked if he has someone else he’s seeing on the side because why does a man suddenly lose interest. When I raise the subject he dismisses it and even gets annoyed. He claims he loves me and wants me in his life, yet it’s at the stage mostly where I feel like his roommate. It’s not just about lack of sex which only happens occasionally when he desires, but all the other signs of affection and loving words are almost extinct.
Maybe I’m being too sensitive but I don’t want to carry on feeling this kind of rejection and not knowing if the spark is going to come back his side.
Do I hang in there or give up?

This relationship has run its course, and it'll
only get worse. I personally don’t understand why people get involved in such large age gap relationships.

Not geographically but relationally yes.

When you’re compatible and having a good time and love and respect each other, age isn’t a problem. The issue here now is me not feeling truly loved or respected

@Angela1973 - Did his behaviour change when you moved in?

Frankly, I think the "he's getting older; it's normal" is missing the point. Yes, libido wanes as we get older generally. But he has become cooler, less affectionate, and that doesn't wane.

I'm wondering whether this ties in with your starting to live with him, because that is a common problem, and its cause is psychological. If so, then there is really nothing you can do, primarily because of his age.

You deserve more. Time to cut your losses and find someone who appreciates you, as inconvenient as that may be and as much time and effort as you have put in so far. He will not change.

Background information. And to see if anyone has a similar experience with an age gap in that it’s normal behaviour at his age

He sees you as staff op. And an up and coming nursemaid.. Ditch him.. Honestly your life isn't over if you leave.

I’m so sorry you are in this no-man’s-land of indecision.
I can’t see your situation improving and albeit the lack of sex, the porn habit and lack of affection and consideration for your expressed unhappiness would be enough to drive me away. He does not deserve you.

Theres a lot of detail in this thread so I’ve not had time to read every response but I get the feeling you just want us to give you reasons to stay in his “lovely home.”

Im going to be brutal & indeed would also say this to you in real life if you were a friend or sister , “grow a backbone woman and get out.”

Do you enjoy sharing a bed with his dogs?

I've seen all this before. He attracted you, moved you in and has now got everything he wants. Having achieved his aim, the mask has slipped as he cant keep up the pretence any more. This is truly how he is. As PP have said, he's been like this a while. Your relationship only sounded good for approx 12 months. He cant keep up the effort required. Hes not the man he made out to be. Move on asap

Ok, plenty of people have offered advice and say leave. So there it is. Up to you now to make your own decision. You're continued posts seem to be ignoring what people have said and continue questioning

This, I’m afraid. Sorry, op. Sounds like you are slowly but surely being filed in nurse/carer category. I’d get out now.

That was a poster called Claire. She binned him.

It has been less than 3 hours since the OP posted. Give her a chance to really absorb what we are saying.

I think we sometimes forget on MN that this is someone’s reality. What seems obvious to the rest of us in theoretical terms will take a lot more time for the OP to process.

I hope you are listening OP. I agree with everyone else here but I know it’s hard to read. I also suspect that you are going to find the strength and independence to do what you need to do.

I’ve been questioning my relationship for a while but not reached out to anyone for advice. I can easily find a place to rent, get my belongings out storage and be self sufficient. I’m someone who tries to see positives and potential in everything and not give up easily, so I’ve been waiting and hoping for something to shift in my relationship and become good again. You know life’s valleys and mountaintops. Hoping it was just a stage.
I do agree with posts that he’s showing his true colours and not interested in making any changes or efforts. Whatever magic was there has gone and I feel I’m hitting my head against a brick wall. Time to quit.

Sounds to me like things went well when you dated, it was new and fresh and the infatuation was there which is what the first year usually consists of!

Then you moved in and expected the level of sex and intimacy to stay the same while he expected to settle into a cohabiting arrangement. He stopped making so much effort because now you live together and the honeymoon phase settled into LTR territory. He also can’t hide any foibles and habits that may not have been apparent when you were not living together.

Youve responded quite understandably wanting to discuss and to find out what happened - the fact he’s responding with ‘isnt this enough’ while also looking at other women and the porn etc seeks to me like he now has you in a ‘boring wife type live in person’ box vs ‘new and interesting sexual interest’.

Basically the excitement stage has worn off for him sexually and he’s replaced that with fresh sexual energy elsewhere. When you try to get closer it only pushes him further away - the more the cling and try to recapture the earlier energy the more he’ll resist because essentially he doesn’t see you as a new sexual energy anymore but a domestic partner who he feels ought to be satisfied with sharing his home.

Of course many people would address this by realising the initial sexual rush does change when you move in with someone and explore new ways to build intimacy. doesn’t look like he will though.

Good, don't waste any more time on him. He's not worth it. And don't allow him to worm his way back either.

@KatherineSwynford1403 Thank you for updating me - that’s good news!

OP my apologies, your thread reminded me of another. The advice was much the same to another lovely woman with a man who wasn’t right for her.

She sounds like someone I could exchange notes with.

That's what my abusive ex said and I believed as a young woman. I now know not all men use porn and I would not want to be with another man who uses it.

It’s not something I’ve ever watched. Doesn’t appeal to me. Ex husband would look at it from time to time but it never impacted on our intimacy

Well yeah, I'm sure many men are in the occasional category... I just know it's not something I would tolerate now. It ran deeper with exh and impacted on how he abused me, and I do not see it as harmless anymore.

I do wish you strength to move on. You'll be so much happier. I've become very conscious of time after a recent bereavement. Don't waste it. Go and be happy even if it's on your own.

I could have written your post word for word OP. I fully know how crap it is, particularly the porn use. I feel trapped as I have a young DD with him and although I work, it would be financial suicide for me to leave. It's truly death by a thousand cuts and whittles away all feelings of self esteem and worth. As you have said, it's not the lack of sex per se but rather the utter indifference to your feelings and needs. My partner also gets angry when I bring it up so I don't anymore. I do realise it's emotional abuse and he's essentially conditioned me to not provoke him. I've posted about it on here before (under a different username) and got the same advice as you. I'm lining my ducks up by taking overtime at work and distancing myself from him emotionally. I've also started a journal of all the crappy things he does to strengthen my self resolve when it's time to go. I were you, I'd definitely leave. You deserve so much better