Lack of Intimacy is Killing Me

[Angela1973]

I’m a 49 year old woman, turning 50 soon. My partner of nearly 2 years is almost 64. He looks good, in great shape. We are compatible in many areas with similar interests, views, lifestyles. He’s a good conversationalist. Knows what he wants in life and very practical.
We fell in love surprisingly quick and had both been single a while.
My issue is that for a while he’s been less affectionate both in words and physically. He used to kiss and hug me often, sit holding hands, lots of caresses. His words were loving and caring and had pet names for me. He loved to cuddle in bed and enjoyed sexual intimacy.
Then he started changing and became increasingly distant physically in the bedroom and just generally. Even the way he speaks to me changed and he has become distant. I feel very rejected and it’s like I’m in a purely platonic relationship and I’m dying inside because I need and miss that physical closeness. I have spoken to him often about this and asked what is wrong and if I have done anything wrong. I even asked if he has someone else he’s seeing on the side because why does a man suddenly lose interest. When I raise the subject he dismisses it and even gets annoyed. He claims he loves me and wants me in his life, yet it’s at the stage mostly where I feel like his roommate. It’s not just about lack of sex which only happens occasionally when he desires, but all the other signs of affection and loving words are almost extinct.
Maybe I’m being too sensitive but I don’t want to carry on feeling this kind of rejection and not knowing if the spark is going to come back his side.
Do I hang in there or give up?

I second this like why do you even want to have sex with this guy (or even just be in his vicinity). Makes me feel nauseous just reading about it.

I’d rather be single forever.

I actulay feel sick with the last post !
omg honestly he’s a dirty creep I wouldn’t want him near me or any of my family .
what are you thinking being with a scummy man like that.

run as fast as you can .

Dear god, this man is gross. He watches porn daily, pervs over underage school girls (🤮) and thinks you should be happy because he doesn’t beat you - that’s how low he expects women’s bar to be. He tried to charm you until he had you installed in his house and now he thinks you won’t leave so he can show his true colours. Next will be expecting you to do more around the house etc, as well as paying him for the privilege of course, and then care for him as he ages, because he thinks that’s a woman’s job. He’s disgusting.

He sounds disgusting. Stop putting yourself through hell over someone like him. Its not going to get better. LTB

I have had hardly any relationships in my life and if a man is repeatedly telling me things are normal … that voice overrides my internal voice at times

I’d suggest you get some therapy for this and find confidence in your own mind and opinions. It will help you going forward.

A dick doesn’t give a man wisdom, if anything it does the reverse.

The dopamine has worn off. He never bonded (likely lifelong issues with empathy, intimacy plus previous partner who has tolerated this).

He isn't interested in growing as a person, in evolving, in emotions and relationships.

It is very hard not to be taken in by a man's charms. Honestly you can only recognise it in hindsight so don't beat yourself up.

He lacks depth and insight. He is a closet misogynist really viewing women as weak, dependent, manipulable, overly emotional, needy and sex objects.

The longer you stay the clearer this will become but also the more pressure you'll feel to take the responsibility onto yourself.

It will only get worse though I think you can expect a flourish of charm when he realises you are leaving.

Nope sorry , that excuse ain't wearing with me ! I'm around your age , was married , been with my oh now a good while , so I've had sex with two men in my lifetime.
I'd definitely set my bar higher than him !
My last advice to you ( I've posted on here a few times ) and keep repeating , leave , leave , leave, .
Everyone is suggesting you do , but you are still in here saying , but he was so nice , was perfect , etc . No he is not , but you are choosing to ignore the advice.
I think the crux of the situation is , you are afraid of moving out and being alone so you are prepared to stay with a shit bag and put up with it.
Do you really think a man like him would pick a strong , independent woman ? I know the answer is no.
Like I said , move out , and maybe as someone else has suggested work on your self esteem . Nothing wrong in being single for a while.

I hear what you’re saying and I have stated in previous posts I am going to move out, get my belongings out storage and stay single a while so I don’t get into another bad relationship like this. I’ve already looked at some rentals and I have enough money to move out as soon as I secure a place.

Good for you , asap by the sounds of it. Don't be dragged down to his level.

I won’t. The mental and emotional roller coaster is not worth it

@Angela1973

But if he’s not in love with me then he should say goodbye instead of keeping me dangling by a thread

He's not going to do this OP. Not whilst you're still of practical use to him and until he's lined up your replacement. Sorry, I know this is tough to read.

I'm glad you are already planning for an alternative future without him in a timeline which suits you, rather than him. You are worth far more than he is offering. 🌹

I value everyone’s input and for those who have been through bad experiences in relationships and come out on top - I respect you all

It's only two years - you have no reason to stay and no entangled history. He is showing you who he is - who he was earlier is not who he is now or will be in the future. Either he has narcissistic tendencies or the new relationship energy has run out.

We have had similar periods of disconnect but this is in a 30 year marriage and mainly caused by stress, work, children etc. My DH would never dismiss me or blame me when I raise issues like that. We may not solve everything, but we agree on the need to make changes. Life can keep getting in the way but in your case, it doesn't sound like that is what is happening.

Don't live unhappy. You are young enough to find someone better (maybe that's the case at any age actually) and from my perspective, time is defintely on your side!

Use the experience (should you want another relationship) to be more aware of red flags and signs that not all is well. Did he love bomb you? It sounds like it from your description of falling in love quickly. You're not a teenager - mature adults will be rightly wary of new partners and need time to check out who they really are.

@Onelifeonly

with respect , quite a few posts up Angela has already decided to leave , and if you've not read the whole post she also knows he spends some of each day wanking over teenage porn , so hardly just the ups and downs of a relationship.

He did not wine and dine me or lavish me with gifts in the beginning but he was very affectionate, caring, attentive. He laughed a lot, sense of humour, said nice and positive things and made me feel valued and important to him.

Someone I know (the divorced father of a woman from a hobby group) did this. He moved in with a divorcee about his own age and looked like a normal couple. Until the police got wind of what was on his laptop and memory stick. The fallout was awful. I'm not saying this bloke is doing the same, but it starts somewhere.

To be honest I have no idea what he looks at exactly because I refuse to watch any porn, but he could very well be into dark things. I’d rather not know and just get away from it all

Op
He has bailed his colours to the mast fairly clearly that this is how it is going to be from now on. You can't force him to tell you why he has changed but you need to decide if you can live with this new reality or now
I'd have some sympathy for the sex waiting at his age if it wasn't for the trat of it.