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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Lack of Intimacy is Killing Me

169 replies

Angela1973 · 06/08/2023 08:02

I’m a 49 year old woman, turning 50 soon. My partner of nearly 2 years is almost 64. He looks good, in great shape. We are compatible in many areas with similar interests, views, lifestyles. He’s a good conversationalist. Knows what he wants in life and very practical.
We fell in love surprisingly quick and had both been single a while.
My issue is that for a while he’s been less affectionate both in words and physically. He used to kiss and hug me often, sit holding hands, lots of caresses. His words were loving and caring and had pet names for me. He loved to cuddle in bed and enjoyed sexual intimacy.
Then he started changing and became increasingly distant physically in the bedroom and just generally. Even the way he speaks to me changed and he has become distant. I feel very rejected and it’s like I’m in a purely platonic relationship and I’m dying inside because I need and miss that physical closeness. I have spoken to him often about this and asked what is wrong and if I have done anything wrong. I even asked if he has someone else he’s seeing on the side because why does a man suddenly lose interest. When I raise the subject he dismisses it and even gets annoyed. He claims he loves me and wants me in his life, yet it’s at the stage mostly where I feel like his roommate. It’s not just about lack of sex which only happens occasionally when he desires, but all the other signs of affection and loving words are almost extinct.
Maybe I’m being too sensitive but I don’t want to carry on feeling this kind of rejection and not knowing if the spark is going to come back his side.
Do I hang in there or give up?

OP posts:
TheAverageJoanne · 06/08/2023 16:08

determinedtomakethiswork · 06/08/2023 12:53

Get out while you can! He is far too old for you, and basically his retirement, in his mind, consists of him sitting there wanking. Why on earth would you put yourself through that?

The images this conjures up are ghastly.

Oatycookies · 06/08/2023 16:41

TheAverageJoanne · 06/08/2023 16:08

The images this conjures up are ghastly.

I know 🤢

OP, glad you’ve made the decision to move on. All the best with that.

Angela1973 · 06/08/2023 22:05

I appreciate all the input. I’m glad I’ve asked for opinions and advice because I have felt like I’m im going nowhere slowly in this relationship and it’s soul destroying feeling almost invisible and begging for affection. I get told I’m smothering him so I know now that if I don’t leave, this is what I’m settling for

OP posts:
EmmaEmerald · 06/08/2023 22:36

I'm glad for you OP
go free and enjoy!

feelingfree17 · 06/08/2023 23:01

What exactly is there to stay for? Leave the sad old bastard to his porn.

QueenBitch666 · 06/08/2023 23:12

Daily porn and no sex other than with his hand would have me heading for the hills. He's checked out. Have some self respect and bin him

Angela1973 · 06/08/2023 23:14

Like I said I’m previous posts, he was really lovely and my perfect partner and then started changing. He still has moments where he is his former self but overall he’s a different character now

OP posts:
NoWayNarc · 06/08/2023 23:19

I’m probably being harsh OP but geeze you’re 49 get a grip, you can’t force someone to behave the way you want them to, love you etc. it’s a 2 year relationship, tbh to me sounds like elements of love bombing and subsequent withdrawal of affection, which leaves you confused and desperate, it’s controlling. Leave.

NoWayNarc · 06/08/2023 23:21

Also sounds like elements of gaslighting too, look up “narcissistic behaviour / NPD” I’m not saying he has NPD, but people can exhibit traits and be generally toxic, which is how your partner sounds tbh. Save yourself the mental abuse..

Angela1973 · 06/08/2023 23:42

Maybe there are narcissistic traits as he does not seem to care about anything that upsets me and will say I’m simply being dramatic and my behaviour and demands will push him away

OP posts:
Laiku · 07/08/2023 04:26

2 years?
forget it.
I am your age and single, I would rather die than live like this. There is a big world out there, don't limit your options, and don't fall for that claptrap that women our age have no currency. We have power, and we get to choose. You don't waste precious time wallowing over distant men. You would not feel this low if everything was ok, so trust your own judgment.

Forget what he 'was and used to be' and forget 'what he used to do'.
He isn't doing it any more and pushes your concerns away. This is bad communication and it won't improve. He is already palming you off with bullshit, it is immature and and a waste of your energy to pursue it.
This is a bad sign after only 2 years so cut your losses and walk.

Weatherwax13 · 07/08/2023 04:30

Porn addiction. I've been exactly where you are. Leave him before he destroys your self esteem entirely. Seriously.

StopStartStop · 07/08/2023 05:03

His opinion is that if sex is such a big deal then leave.
It is, so do that.
Stop looking for love and/or sex with this man who doesn't want to give it.
Move out, enjoy your life.

Angela1973 · 07/08/2023 05:45

I appreciate the comments from you women who are empowering me and are confident in yourselves and what you want and don’t want in life

OP posts:
RuthTopp · 07/08/2023 09:06

@Angela1973

The only person who can make that change is you. In you post ( about 3 ago )
you say he was a perfect , a lovely person etc.
please realise he never was that person , he acted that way to draw you in.
The man you see now is the real him, he kept up his pretence to lure you in , the kind words , the hugs , the sex , all a lie , an act to get you in his house .

Angela1973 · 07/08/2023 09:10

That would make more sense than me driving myself insane trying to understand why he’s changed and trying to win the former him back and feeling like a failure.
I know I have faults, we all do and I admit to them. But if he’s not in love with me then he should say goodbye instead of keeping me dangling by a thread

OP posts:
NoWayNarc · 07/08/2023 09:29

Angela1973 · 07/08/2023 09:10

That would make more sense than me driving myself insane trying to understand why he’s changed and trying to win the former him back and feeling like a failure.
I know I have faults, we all do and I admit to them. But if he’s not in love with me then he should say goodbye instead of keeping me dangling by a thread

because it’s not about love OP and probably never was, you provide something useful to him, and he’s keeping you either until something else he wants comes along, or indefinitely because he enjoys you as a source of whatever it is he needs. People like this don’t think and act accordingly to sparing someone else’s life and feelings, you are more akin to an object than a person to them, they will drag you through years and years of abuse because they DO NOT CARE, they care only for themselves. You were presented with a false persona, but this is who he is, otherwise he wouldn’t be behaving this way, but they have to make you feel like you’ve brought it upon yourself, and you have no idea what you’ve done (nothing very likely) - they’ll never tell you or if they do they’ll be inventing something that you have to work on to “win” them back. Don’t bother, this isn’t working through a few bumps in the relationship, this is abuse, and it does not stop.

mildlydispeptic · 07/08/2023 09:31

he constantly comments over and looks at pretty or sexy women whether on a screen or elsewhere

Maybe it's a personal thing but actually this for me would be the biggest deal breaker. It just feels like casual cruelty and contempt. In addition to being tacky AF.

Angela1973 · 07/08/2023 09:34

He goes on about high school girls and says it’s just a fantasy, he wouldn’t act on it (no because that’s being a pedophile) and that it’s most men’s fantasy. It makes me very uncomfortable

OP posts:
NoWayNarc · 07/08/2023 09:35

mildlydispeptic · 07/08/2023 09:31

he constantly comments over and looks at pretty or sexy women whether on a screen or elsewhere

Maybe it's a personal thing but actually this for me would be the biggest deal breaker. It just feels like casual cruelty and contempt. In addition to being tacky AF.

Yup, tactics to break down self esteem, the entirety of this guy just sounds -boke- what a waste of space

NoWayNarc · 07/08/2023 09:36

Angela1973 · 07/08/2023 09:34

He goes on about high school girls and says it’s just a fantasy, he wouldn’t act on it (no because that’s being a pedophile) and that it’s most men’s fantasy. It makes me very uncomfortable

not sure if you’re just trolling now OP 😂sounds like every awful guy rolled into one

Angela1973 · 07/08/2023 09:37

I just hope I don’t fall for this same type of person if and when I’m ready to find someone else. It’s incredible how easy it is to fall for a man’s charms and believe it’s the real deal and be on cloud 9. I thought I was so lucky finding a great man for the first time since my divorce. I’m sure there are many women (and men) in the same boat and it really sucks :(

OP posts:
Angela1973 · 07/08/2023 09:38

Not trolling. Unfortunately every single thing I’ve said is true and I wouldn’t get online and lie. It’s not a game to me

OP posts:
RuthTopp · 07/08/2023 09:41

Omg , from your last post , I'd be leaving asap , perhaps you are his ' river's for his dirty secret and having a woman at home makes him feel he looks normal to the outside world.
Picture this , a 60s+ man , spending every day wanking over teen porn . Upthread you said you love this man ? How ?

RuthTopp · 07/08/2023 09:42

Not rivers typo, should read ' cover '