Lack of Intimacy is Killing Me

[Angela1973]

I’m a 49 year old woman, turning 50 soon. My partner of nearly 2 years is almost 64. He looks good, in great shape. We are compatible in many areas with similar interests, views, lifestyles. He’s a good conversationalist. Knows what he wants in life and very practical.
We fell in love surprisingly quick and had both been single a while.
My issue is that for a while he’s been less affectionate both in words and physically. He used to kiss and hug me often, sit holding hands, lots of caresses. His words were loving and caring and had pet names for me. He loved to cuddle in bed and enjoyed sexual intimacy.
Then he started changing and became increasingly distant physically in the bedroom and just generally. Even the way he speaks to me changed and he has become distant. I feel very rejected and it’s like I’m in a purely platonic relationship and I’m dying inside because I need and miss that physical closeness. I have spoken to him often about this and asked what is wrong and if I have done anything wrong. I even asked if he has someone else he’s seeing on the side because why does a man suddenly lose interest. When I raise the subject he dismisses it and even gets annoyed. He claims he loves me and wants me in his life, yet it’s at the stage mostly where I feel like his roommate. It’s not just about lack of sex which only happens occasionally when he desires, but all the other signs of affection and loving words are almost extinct.
Maybe I’m being too sensitive but I don’t want to carry on feeling this kind of rejection and not knowing if the spark is going to come back his side.
Do I hang in there or give up?

Fgs it’s obvious you need to dump this porn addicted and cold man. He’s ogling younger women and being blatant about it? This relationship is a painful waste of your time.

I’m not sure if you’re listening but accept it’s over. He won’t go back to how he was. It was working for you and making you happy but now it’s not. It’s ok to admit that, to have self respect and high standards and leave.

As pathetic as this sounds, I even get envious of his dogs because they lie on his lap and he gives them so much attention and they curl up by him on the bed to the extent I can’t even get close to him some nights.

Where did you live before? Did you sell a property to move in with a chap you'd been seeing for only 8 months?

He is too old for you and has no real interest in being a true, loving partner.

End it now and stop wasting your time with this man. You deserve better.

I’ve been seeing him 2 years basically. I had a rental. My furniture is in storage

Sorry I misread.

He’s not very wealthy but he has enough money and assets to retire comfortably and no, I’m not getting anything financial off him. I have 2 sons who are adult and living their lives. My bf has 3 children and a couple of grandchildren

If I were one of your sons I'd be heartbroken to know my mum was being treated like this.

You say he doesn't cheat on you but I'd take a dim view of my dh watching videos of other naked women (that's without even considering how exploitative the industry is etc). It's gross and unattractive.

Honestly think how much fun you could be having with a hot blooded man in his late 40s.

I do feel like porn is a type of cheating especially when it takes precedence to me. He obviously does not agree because he’s not the one feeling rejected and he has things going his way

I don’t have enough to buy a house but can support myself

Weird question maybe but I've never lived with anyone. How do you know he uses porn daily?

Yes. His guard has slipped to reveal his actual personality and has no intentions of trying to hide it.

OP forgive me if I’m wrong but are you the poster who lives in your partner’s home and will be expected to look after his home and animals after he retires and fucks off travelling?

?? This is my first post on MN

He admits to it because he says it’s normal, nothing wrong with it

I think you are getting the wrong comments due to his age .
I think his age has nothing to do with the way he’s treating you .
As for the porn updates . Don’t ask yourself anymore questions about him wanting you .
You deserve better .
Focus your time on leaving just up and walk one day and tell him why.
You deserve better and he can stay home alone masturbating like some saddo .

He is dis respecting you .

This. He’s sorted out a carer and housemaid for his old age. Maybe not deliberately, maybe he really fell in love with you, but part of what he fell in love with was the idea of having a much younger woman around the house looking after him as he ages.

You’ve only invested two years into this, you aren’t physically or emotionally satisfied, if you stay you have 2-3 decades of being his carer but if you leave you have a chance of meeting someone else who will be more if a partner to you. You need to look at this logically.

This relationship is already hurting you. You’ve tried to fix it but he isn’t interested in changing.

I don’t see any happiness for you if you stay with him.

Give up now. I was told by a counseller once that it takes up to two years for someone to show their true colours, so not to commit before then.

Your DP has shown you already what your future is if you stay with him. He won’t change again ( although he might seem to if you leave him and he doesn’t want it to end, but that would be short-lived anyway)

Exactly. And the fact he gets annoyed when you’re communicating your needs and how you feel is a red flag. Sounds like he was doing a charm offensive before and now he’s comfortable the true character is shining through. The age is also a factor too. I’m in my late 30s and I don’t date anyone more than 7 years older than me.

You only live once.

You love him despite him showing you clearly that he doesn't care one jot about your unhappiness.

Instead of doing what a loving, caring and thoughtful partner would do and be concerned about your sexual and other affectionate needs, he gets angry and shuts you down.

Not only that, but you pay half all costs and the full amount of your stuff in storage.

You are miserable and he doesn't care but you want to stay and turn him back into the fake version of himself you thought was true.

Op please wise up and wake up.

Move on.

The sooner you admit it's over the sooner you can leave, brush yourself off, lick your wounds, the better.