I had DH arrested yesterday

[Neverimagined]

I'm just in utter shock. I was too ill to get out of bed, he was demanding I get up and look after the children. I begged him to let me rest and he threw a glass of water over me then dragged me out of bed and down the stairs. In front of my DD9 who was screaming at him to get off me.

I'm just in shock. I was starting to open my eyes and realise that some of his behaviour was controlling/coercive/gaslighting, but I never thought he'd be violent. Especially in front of the kids. He hasn't shown any remorse. Everything is always my fault because I'm crazy/unstable/hormonal according to him and he's been messaging my family trying to convince them as much.

I'm heartbroken. Running on adrenaline I think because I can't sleep or eat. I need to figure out the next steps in terms of the practicalities of divorce and the children but I can't think straight because I have 2 under 2 to look after. I'm on maternity leave at the moment so have no income of my own. I can't believe he's done this to us, to our family.

I just wanted to add my voice to those giving you a huge pay on the back. I have been through a similar situation and despite knowing I needed to stay away from him cried myself to sleep for months. It's partly the trauma bond of being in a relationship with an abuser which makes you crave them but also grief for the family and future you wanted and expected. Be kind to yourself and buckle in for a bumpy ride of divorcing an abuser. I would urge you to look at obtaining an occupation order and non molestation order especially once his bail conditions end.

The Dd slapped him to stop him hurting her mum .

So?

So OPs daughter was not slapped, at least not according to what was shared in this thread. Still doesn't excuse any of the man's actions, or impact on OP or her children.

Starlightstarbright2 is just clarifying he didn't slap the child when he attacked her mother.

i agree with pp you need a non molestation order-i dont think the nrsery can stop a parent from taking their child without something in place

Op I'm so glad you sound so clear headed

It’s totally normal to want your old life back — we’re very good at picking out the good bits and minimising that bad times. As we’re nice people we expect others, and especially our partners, to be as nice, kind, reasonable as we are. We assume that because we can try hard at making a relationship work, and we’re willing to, we assume he will as well.
But they’re not like that, they have a different agenda. Think of it like trying to mix oil and water.
Keep talking, writing down how you feel. There’s a process you have to go, similar in a lot of ways to grief, and you can’t skirt round it. A very wise widow friend told me to wade through it cos otherwise it comes back to bite you on the bum.

My bad, I completely misread the OP's post.

(He is still an utter shit though).

Yes, sorry if I wasn't clear, DD hit DH as he was dragging me down the stairs, to try to get him to get off me. I'm so worried about her, even though she seems fine so far. Thankfully she's away with her dad's side of the family for another few days now hopefully having a lovely time and not thinking about any of this.

Thank you to everyone who has posted, I'm finding this thread really helpful in the evenings when I'm alone and I'm grateful to everyone who has commented or shared their experiences. It really helps knowing I'm not the only one who has been through this and it also helps to focus on the reasons I'm doing this and not get too carried away feeling sad and missing him. Although that comes in waves all day long.

I had a really productive day today and spoke to my GP, nursery, a solicitor, Women's Aid and the police about the passports. They're going to look into whether him contacting my family is breaching his bail as well.

I feel a little bit more at peace for having been productive. My appetite has come back a bit so tonight I ordered myself a chinese takeaway and watched tv with the cat. I'm still holding the grief back really. I don't think I'm ready yet. I'm going through the motions looking after the kids and sorting out all of the stuff that needs to be done now, but I'm finding it all so difficult to accept, the idea that my marriage is over and the future I thought we would have is gone. The idea that I was in an abusive relationship. It's all so difficult to get my head around. And most of all I miss him.

@TheAverageJoanne My dad set my hair alight for being cheeky. I was very young, in primary school at the time.

😧😧😧 Jesus H Christ on a bike...

It’s a tricky one but people will see through him. With him accusing you of being mentally ill, there is a grain of truth in that although stemming from the abuse from him if that makes sense? As in shock/depression vs everything he’s tried to diagnose you with.

Ultimately, your mental health is likely to be something he continues to bring up to discredit you. It’s a hard one because in time, it will be clear to your family that you are the victim of his abusive ways vs the myriad of diagnoses he’s thrown your way being true. But for now it’s please do stay strong. He’ll put pressure on you, but it’s illogical to get back with him and will play into the story he’s written about you. Don’t let him do that. What he did was egregious - he will try and downplay and blame you.

Remember that the “nice” version of him doesn’t exist. The violent version of him is the same person. If anything, him being nice to you was a facade because he is the type of person to drag you down the stairs when you are unwell. How can he be a nice person?

Try (and I cannot imagine how difficult it will be to do this) but stop saying that you miss him. I think what you are missing and you feel you are missing is a life companion.
Someone who drags you by the hair is not that. They are an abuser.

You, in time will start to miss your abuser being around and again in time May find friendships with others and who is to say that one of those friendships won't be a lifelong relationship?

Take each day as you can. You're stronger than you believe!

Absolutely he is

You miss the person that he could pretend to be. Not the real man underneath. And that's normal.

You will find light again, you're in the darkest hour still but you're doing brilliantly.

About missing "Him".....
OP, My H had a stroke in November & has had 9 months of bad & worsening health ever since. Currently still in hospital.
It was not a happy marriage, he, I discover as there are now words to put upon his behaviour, was an abusvise gas lighting bastard.
I should have left, that's a very long thread, but I didn't & here we are.
I have had 9 months of living alone with the dogs, in one was it's bliss, however I am lonely, being alone is something I have never experienced, (for more than a day or two) ever.
The routine is gone, the sound of another human, the vague disinterested question.
You need to ask yourself, are you missing Him, or simply having somebody else, adult around ...

This is why it's important to go to the GP and report the problems you're experiencing, report exactly what happened to them and then get them to refer you to someone like Refuge. This is what I did. The "you're crazy" is a typical retort from abusers and they will milk it for all it's worth.
The irony of it is you do end up mentally ill due to the abuse - it is the old boiled frog analogy unfortunately. Once you are over the worst and start adjusting to life alone you will probably realise how flipping nuts it was and how much better you feel. That has certainly been the case for me even though I do miss him some days which is also normal apparently.

Non-molestation order is definitely something you should do because that solves the issue of him coming back to the house.

You're all right about it rationally not being him that I miss. Rationally I can see it all for what it is. That doesn't make the grief or the pain or the heartbreak any easier though.

I've been trying to sort out some money stuff today and emotionally feel at absolute rock bottom. I've never felt this low in all my life. He owns a couple of properties which he rents out, and has always dealt with all our finances. I have no access to any of the money or details, and no idea how I'm going to feed or house my children after the end of the month. Meanwhile I can see from his Google search history that he's planning a holiday to Amsterdam. Lovely.

If I didn't have the kids to keep getting up and trying to be normal for, I don't know what I'd do.

Big hugs OP.

This isn’t the end of the road for you but a new beginning and it’s terrifying but in time you will see it as positive. The grief will fade as you will feel more positive as you reclaim yourself and your life. You miss having a ‘DH’ that’s normal. Remind yourself of his planning his holidays whilst you are left picking up the pieces and use the anger from that and his assault on you and various other misdeeds to spur you on.

Anger can be a healthy and protective emotion in the early days of a trauma like this to give you energy and focus to keep going so use it internally where you can.

Well done for being so productive. Now is the time to ask for and accept help. This time in your life will show you who your true friends are - and the most unlikely people can surprise you in positive ways…

Keep posting on here so you have somewhere else to vent xx

Omg he is vile good you got that male arrested

Thank you both. Today has been another really low day emotionally. I don't even have the energy to go into the details. I just can't believe that the person I thought loved me most in the world could do this to me. I can't believe this is my life. I don't know how to feel better. How do I stop loving and missing him?

Well, you could do what I did and many women who suffer domestic violence do, and wait ten years and then REALLY hate him. You DCs could chose to live with you at that point. They would hate him too.

What do you think might be best?

I do know you're right. I know I've done the right thing. That doesn't make any of this any easier though. I'm just so sad.

I think it's quite normal to feel this way in your situation, Neverimagined. You have been through such a dramatic change in your life and all the strength needed to stand up to him and call the police is a bit like being an athlete at the end of a race. it will take time to get used to the difference. Upthread, someone suggested writing down (or recording) how you felt at the time to help remind you why you did what you did so you have something to read back when you start feeling a bit overwhelmed.

I'm not surprised you are feeling low emotionally and in disbelief. May be very little comfort but you are absolutely not alone in feeling this way . I'm not out yet but I feel like I've spent the last year-18 months (and especially the last 5-6 ) grieving in total shock and disbelief at the husband I thought I had who seems to have been replaced with someone (emotionally mainly other than some physical grabbing of things/storming out) that I just don't recognise , and has been cruel/ contemptuous in words and actions beyond what I ever imagined anyone would be capable of - let alone the person who is supposed to be the safest ....

It's gut wrenching .... and it's a trauma.... and your brain is trying to make sense of that ... and in lots of ways that's a bit of an impossible task as those things are very hard to fit/reconcile together.

I'm not out yet (but planning it ) , and it's exhausting...

Some practical suggestions ...which may or may not be helpful right now. Any friends/family who could help with the kids so you can have just an hour or 2 of thinking time? Can you make a list of next steps (whether that's a plan for the day ...making contact with solicitor/ women's aid, planning a coffee with a friend) . I've been trying (some days I succeed more than others) to connect with others in my life that I know love me and challenge the narrative I absorb a lot of the time at home (that I'm selfish/ over-dramatic/ the way things are are my fault and the feeling of walking on eggshells ) , and trying to find even 10 mins of something nice in the day ...or even 1 thing ... sometimes it's really silly things like a message from a friend , the fact it's sunny and not raining... ice cream (drove the dogs for a walk yesterday and they had a pop up stall) ... reminding myself this is not all I am/ all life is...

I know it's horribly hard right now .
Keep talking and reaching out

It might help to think that you're likely not grieving for the loss of him - but the loss of what you once believed the relationship could have been. The loss of a dream can hurt just as much.