I had DH arrested yesterday

[Neverimagined]

I'm just in utter shock. I was too ill to get out of bed, he was demanding I get up and look after the children. I begged him to let me rest and he threw a glass of water over me then dragged me out of bed and down the stairs. In front of my DD9 who was screaming at him to get off me.

I'm just in shock. I was starting to open my eyes and realise that some of his behaviour was controlling/coercive/gaslighting, but I never thought he'd be violent. Especially in front of the kids. He hasn't shown any remorse. Everything is always my fault because I'm crazy/unstable/hormonal according to him and he's been messaging my family trying to convince them as much.

I'm heartbroken. Running on adrenaline I think because I can't sleep or eat. I need to figure out the next steps in terms of the practicalities of divorce and the children but I can't think straight because I have 2 under 2 to look after. I'm on maternity leave at the moment so have no income of my own. I can't believe he's done this to us, to our family.

Might be good to think about the grubby behaviour English men get up to in Amsterdam if you ever start telling yourself he’s a good man or that you miss him. He’s not missing you as much as he says, is he?

Yes you are right, thank you. I'm grieving who I thought he was and what I thought our future would be. Family have been with me almost constantly, supporting me with the practical stuff and helping to care for the kids. I'm so lucky to have them, but I still feel so alone. Thank you to those people who are still replying, it really helps to write these things down.

I was a single mum when DD was little and I never thought I'd be back here again. Especially not with three children. It was him who really pushed for the babies, especially the youngest. I didn't really want to put myself through another pregnancy and c section recovery, and now I'm the one stuck wondering how on earth I'll provide for them while he plans a holiday.

But of course, in his mind I'm the bad guy and at fault.

@Neverimagined - about this point that you wrote "But of course, in his mind I'm the bad guy and at fault."

The way he sees it is that you were a cushy number, have a kid or two but he still gets to lead his (quite possibly very similar to) bachelor lifestyle. Now, because he's been stopped in his tracks by his own behaviour no less, that lifestyle has had to stop too.

With the help of your family, you need to gather as much information so that you and the kids are not short-changed in the divorce/separation process.

As Ivana Trump says in The First Wives Club movie "Don't get mad....get everything!"

Continued good luck being sent your way!

I'm trying really hard NOT to think about this actually because if I do I feel like I'm going to throw up. It definitely tells me a lot about who he is and where his head is at though. He doesn't know that I can see his internet search history.

Today he has sent a long letter to my brother basically minimising what he's done, saying that he doesn't understand why it is taking so long for him to be allowed contact with the babies and suggesting that I should drop the charges because my response to our 'falling out' has been 'disproportionate'. He also suggested again that I should leave the house. I am in disbelief. In the letter he also mentions needing his passport so that he can visit his terminally ill grandmother. Boak.

As heartbroken and devastated as I am, the fire is alight inside me, and every time I get a glimpse into his thought processes in the aftermath of this, the flame gets a little bit stronger. He's done the gaslighting (telling everyone I'm crazy), now he's minimising and trying to come across as the reasonable and sensible one. I've no doubt that when this tactic doesn't work, he will turn nasty.

I've told my brother to maintain a dignified silence while I get legal advice about the finances and children. In the meantime he (STBXH, not my brother) can focus his energy on gross lads holidays. At least I'm reassured that he doesn't know where the passports are either I suppose.

Pity you don't know where his passport is either. What a shame he needs to report it lost and get a new one.

It might not feel like it but you are doing well despite what's happened

Yes, he may have to cancel passport & get a new one, (it will take weeks) oh dear.

Yes I did get a tiny bit of pleasure from him not being able to find his passport. But mostly just relief that he doesn't have the others.

I keep flipping between 'I want this to end, I want to go back to how things were before, I want the man I loved and who I thought loved me back' and realisation that he's not the man I thought he was, he's someone who gets angry at me and hurts me for being ill, isn't sorry for his actions and plans to fuck off on a lads holiday when faced with the concequences of his actions. Both are equally painful. It's a rollercoaster.

I think tonight or tomorrow I'm going to sit and write him a letter. Not to send, just to get all of these emotions out and down on paper.

Look at how abusive he is acting now. Against you, with your own family.

No remorse at all. He will turn very nasty IMO.

You are doing brilliantly, see the lawyer asap.
Passport will take months, not weeks.

May I add a plus one to the 'grieving what you thought that you had' chain of comments?

I also look at my ex and now don't recognise the man who meant so much to me, and who I championed for so long.

A word of warning, following my break up I jumped at the first steady man who fluttered his eyelashes at me, then tried to make the new relationship work when it was obvious that I wasn't over the long-term one. New man liked the strong independent woman I had been, and was unprepared for this needy creature that I turned into for a while.

A brave friend pointed out to me that I didn't want 'him', I just wanted 'somebody'. They were right.

I've had to learn to like myself, and not exist as an add-on to a man! Bloody hell, it's hard! I'm getting there though. And so will you. Even braver, even stronger, even more independent and able to live on your terms. You have absolutely got this, and we are here for you to offload on. So do.

Thank you everyone. I'm so lucky to have so much support, everyone in RL and on here has been brilliant. I've never really been heartbroken before and I've never experienced emotional pain like it before. Even though logically I know what everyone is saying is right, my heart just wants to go back in time and for everything to be ok. And my goodness it's hard work looking after the kids and house completely by myself. I'm so so tired. Physically and emotionally.

The fatigue goes. It really does. It's part of the shock reaction and it really does wear off. Been there, done that. Until it does, take every life shortcut you can find, drop standards, eat comfort food and look after yourself. Everything you are feeling is completely normal and part of the process of emotionally, physically and ultimately legally detaching yourself from this man. Every now and then, look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you have done the right thing - for yourself and for all your children. And mean it.

What do I do about the loneliness? How do I stop equating comfort and love with him? I don't want to be alone forever but I can't imagine moving on. I can't imagine trusting another man ever again. But I'm only 35. This can't be it forever.

He was either super affectionate and loving or stone cold and dismissive depending on his mood, there was no in between. I'm quite a needy person naturally and him being like that just made me worse. I needed constant reassurance from him, and that's one of the things he'd use to call me crazy.

I think the first thing you do is the Freedom Programme - this will boost your self esteem and your ability to recognise the red flags when you start dating again. Look at your current social circle - which connections can you build on so that you have a social life? Are there any hobbies that you enjoy or things you have always wanted to do? You may also need counselling to rebuild your self esteem.

The first thing I would recommend is that you learn to be comfortable with being single, so while developing hobbies and friendships is good, leaping into dating probably isn't. You recognise yourself as being needy - is that something you're comfortable with, or something you would like to be different? You have been strong and capable throughout this entire situation, so clearly you do not need constant reassurance; you just want it. If you can transform that need for reassurance to a need for companionship, a sounding board, an equal with whom you share mutual support, that's the kind of relationship you deserve.

Well done @Neverimagined you are doing so well!

The loneliness is part of the grief reaction to losing the dream of what you thought you had and it will get easier. You will need to remind yourself your life is not over, just different to how you imagined. One day in the future you will likely say ‘That was an awful time but it was worth it to be free of him and to have the wonderful life I have now’.

Part of it getting easier is actually to accept those feelings for what they are (ie grief, trauma, the loss of your previous dreams) and just be aware of them and sit with them (at a time when you can, ie when the kids are in bed and you can read these posts for example) rather than fighting them which can make them seem all the worse.

You may find the book Constructive Wallowing: How to beat bad feelings by letting yourself have them by Tina Gilbertson helpful (there is an ebook version). I found it incredibly useful for dealing with a family trauma.

I definitely agree with all above posters who have recommended the Freedom Programme and putting a hold on dating whilst you find your feet again.

Keep posting, we are all willing you on xx

Thank you both. That's such good advice and I'll definitely take it on board. Mumsnet is full of so many wise women. I think the problem is I can't imagine a future without him right now and I still love him so much, even whilst recognising all the red flags in our relationship and even after what he's done. I keep thinking he'll walk through the door and everything will be normal.

I think what has happened has finally hit DD. She's been really emotional and keeps complaining of tummy ache and saying she feels all sad and weird. I feel so bad for her. She goes away again tomorrow (for the 3rd time!) but tonight we're going to share a bed because neither of us wants to sleep alone.

Calling this a 'disproportionate response to a falling out' tells you everything about this man. Minimising, patronising, taking zero accountability for his criminal behaviour. This is someone that will never be a decent partner. Well done for moving on even if it feels so hard now.

Watch Heidi priebe's older video about limerence. It doesn't have to a crush on a guy at the gym. If your private thoughts about the "potential" of the relationship give you some comfort but the reality of making it work as he is now doesn't bring you anything but pain and drama, then that can also be limerence. It's not love when you're being g treated very badly and you know it. It's a trauma bond, and your "love life" is private imaginings of how things could be, but he is not on board.

Sorry you're pining OP, it will get easier, but your disappointment is real, and its normal to be blindsided by this violence

I think part of the problem is that we women are still brought up with a "model" of how our lives should look, mummy,daddy,kids,home, all wrapped marshmallow. But the reality is women (mainly) no longer accept being 2nd best, cheated on, beaten, financially screwed over, controlled, dominated and unhappy. So at least half of all marriages are fatally flawed or fail.
Women are no longer obliged to watch their philandering bully husbands drinking brandy in the library with the other "chiefs".
But the "princess" fallacy has been deeply ingrained, & we still want a nuclear family, it's comfortable, easier with 2 participating parents & cheaper to run..... but for that to work, men need to want to treat us well.
Sadly, it seems that most don't give a damn & still think they can behave like gorillas.
Children should be taught that men are around, they can be OK, but dont expect any long term respect or fidelity
They come & go, & bring more strife than they are worth.

@Neverimagined - you are only 35. Give yourself the time to grieve over the relationship that has broken beyond repair. That will take time. Use this time to (and I can't believe I'm going to type the next bit because it is so terribly cheesy) but use the time to find yourself, your strength, your likes and dislikes, new friendship groups, new hobbies, new skills.
It might feel like the end of the world to you right now but it's actually the beginning of a new one for you and your children.
A world where Mum is flipping FANTASTIC!!! Where Mum knows things that even you, at one point, wouldn't have imagined (think DIY or Home financial stuff or whatever this gobshite would have been your go-to person for).
You will make it through this and you will emerge as a butterfly. Think of this as the time you need to build your cocoon and 'hibernate' to learn new life skills.

Try to find the positive in the situation. It's hard but it is there. Your kids are doing great through this too.

At the end of each day (or the start of the next) try to find something that you're thankful for and jot it into a diary. Try to find something different each day. By the end of the week you will have 7 new things to be thankful for. Would something like that help right now for you?

Lerting go of a dream is painful. Even if we have to because it turned into a nightmare.

But we let old dreams go so that we can make space for new ones to grow.

Right now there is heartache and heaviness. But that will lift in time. And new jobs and passions and dreams will take that space.

Hi OP. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.
Was just thinking re the houses he owns and rents out. You can register a legal interest in them, because you are his legal spouse and they are matrimonial assets - it will stop him from being able to sell them without your knowledge.

Did you get anything in place to stop him collecting the kids from nursery? That is a priority if not. I'd be tempted to remove the dc from nursery and place them elsewhere and not tell him. Also not have him listed as a contact with the new nursery, to make things harder for him to just collect them.

When he contacted your brother with his (fictitious) version of events, he was attempting to gather “Flying Monkeys.” These are people who can be used to get into your head when he has no access to it. Your brother’s silence is shutting that down.

Would it be a bad idea for me to write to him? In terms of the potential court case etc? I keep thinking if I can write everything down, let him know exactly what this has done to me physically and mentally, and to the kids, I might be able to get some closure and work on accepting reality.

Right now he has no idea that I was genuinely ill, no idea how much he physically injured me (I was covered in bruises and my arm and shoulder are still hurting) and no idea how much emotional pain I'm in right now. I'm crying all day long, I've lost loads of weight and I'm struggling to breastfeed my baby because my milk is drying up. I want him to know what he's done to me.

I need to delete his google account from my phone too. As useful as it is to see his physical whereabouts, I'm torturing myself looking at it constantly and wondering what's going on in his mind. I think I'm hoping to see some sign that he's still a decent person and still cares about me but it's not working. In fact it's doing the opposite. I've convinced myself that he's been sleeping with someone else after something I saw him googling at 4am. It's not healthy.

The only valid reason to write it all down is for you to keep it and read it back. There is no point sending it to him because he knows. What he says to others and what he knows are different things. He knows what he did and he does not care. The sooner you accept this as true, the sooner you can begin to recover.

When I asked my late husband to accept that he was an alcoholic, he said that he did and that he was fine with it - and that therefore I should be too. You cannot change your husband's mind any more than I could mine.

It would be an EXTREMELY BAD IDEA to write to him.

It would be idiotic.

Sorry to be blunt, but it would. (Again, been there, done that.)