I had DH arrested yesterday

[Neverimagined]

I'm just in utter shock. I was too ill to get out of bed, he was demanding I get up and look after the children. I begged him to let me rest and he threw a glass of water over me then dragged me out of bed and down the stairs. In front of my DD9 who was screaming at him to get off me.

I'm just in shock. I was starting to open my eyes and realise that some of his behaviour was controlling/coercive/gaslighting, but I never thought he'd be violent. Especially in front of the kids. He hasn't shown any remorse. Everything is always my fault because I'm crazy/unstable/hormonal according to him and he's been messaging my family trying to convince them as much.

I'm heartbroken. Running on adrenaline I think because I can't sleep or eat. I need to figure out the next steps in terms of the practicalities of divorce and the children but I can't think straight because I have 2 under 2 to look after. I'm on maternity leave at the moment so have no income of my own. I can't believe he's done this to us, to our family.

Just wanted to say well done for doing this

really really

This.

Believe it. You are amazing, and you are setting a great example for your daughter.

You're still standing. You are amazing. You've got this, one hour at a time if you must, but you've got this.

Dont worry about your daughter seeing you cry. Such things encourage empathy in children.

You've set an excellent example and left a bully. But you're allowed to hurt as you're at a hard point in life. There's nothing wrong with saying 'mummy's having a moment cause life is hard sometimes. Even when we know we're doing the right thing'.

I can't even imagine how you must be feeling but I just wanted to be another person to say you are so brave.

Like you said, one foot in front of the other. Don't look too far into the future for now and get through it an hour at a time.

A previous poster said about recording voice notes on your phone if you don't have time to write things down. This is a brilliant idea.

We're all with you.

Yes, this! Fabulous idea @Andthereyougo

You are a wonderful mother. I had a similar incident except I called the police two days later as I hated the idea of my 2 kids seeing their father arrested. Then I came to my senses that HE caused this, not me and it was important for my kids to see that his actions had repercussions. We are now divorced and living our own lives. You will get there. My teenaged kids had to have counselling immediately after as they witnessed it all. They will never forget but they have learned to deal with the flash backs, same with me. It has taken me three years to get into therapy, I was in denial how much it effected me but I’m now getting the help I need. You are so so brave and it will be an emotional rollercoaster but you can do this, I applaud you 💐

You did the right thing. My x was abusive but I had no proof. When I tried to explain later (to solicitor for example, or to his mother) the first question was always did you report it.

Nobody reports the first outburst of aggression so I'm guessing there have been many aggressive outbursts before you finally stood in your own corner.

This is true, i managed to leave and it was really hard. I felt so depressed and broken that when he promised to change blah blah blah, I went back. Well that was the mistake i knew it would be, deep down I knew it was a mistake but I was scared and broke. I just postponed the start of the next chapter of my life by a few years because he made it harder to leave him.

So if he does finally pull a sorry out of the bag, don't react to it. Just say ''right''. Because sorry doesn't mean it didn't happen.

Keep pushing through, these feelings are only temporary. Look up trauma bond. It's like you have to wean yourself off him like a hard drug. The brain loves familiarity, not change. You can do it. His anger is out of control, he is not safe to be around children or yourself.
I left my husband when my children were very young. It was frightening the thought of doing it alone, but l have never looked back. I respect myself so much for what l did, getting the police and Women's Aid involved, getting him out of my life and starting again with nothing but faith and hope that l could make a go of it. My family and friends respect me too, so do my children who are now young adults. He would have totally messed them up had l gone back to him thinking it would be the easier route. I brought them up in a calm loving environment, and we thrived.
Stay strong, keep moving forward, it will all work out. People will want to help, your not on your own. Good luck.

xPeaceXx I am glad you found the courage to leave.

Situations like this leave us doubting our sanity, the word sorry is meaning less unless backed up by a change in behaviour.

In my case my (6'4" well built ) oh would be annoyed at me after a violent incident.
"Look what you made me do "
" You have turned me into a monster"
"This is your fault for making me angry"
" You have made me a wife beater"

And sometimes I would even apologise to him- even though I was the one nursing a burst lip or a black eye.
Such are the crazy dynamics in an abusive relationship.

Great plans for Monday, you’re doing brilliantly.
He can spout all the crap he wants ( my ex did) but you know the truth. One step at a time you’ll get there.

Thank you everyone. Today, and tonight especially, has been really difficult again. I've had a nice day out with the kids, but it just doesn't stop going round in my brain on a loop. I keep getting really dizzy too, whether that's anxiety or because I'm not eating much I don't know. His family got in touch with my dad today to ask if he could contact the kids. My dad gave them a very hard no.

I miss him so much it hurts tonight. I just want my life back. Obviously he seems like a total monster from what I've written here, but it wasn't all bad. We had really good times in between the bad stuff and could be really happy together. I was starting to realise that things were only good as long as they were on his terms, but I honestly was just hoping that we were going through a rough patch and that things would get better once the babies got older. Now it's all gone.

I'm so sorry you are finding things tough. I hope you can hang on to the things that matter - he attacked you, he was violent and there is zero guarantee that he wouldn't do it again if you took him back. It's normal, healthy and natural to grieve for the life you thought you were going to have and you should absolutely allow yourself to do that. However, do also try to think about the life you will have with your DC without the shadow of a violent man hanging over it. You have protected your DC from so much horror by doing what you did and doing it so decisively. Keep posting here, we all have your back.

I am so sorry you have to go through this. You are doing the right thing. For you and your children. Just remember this when you have weak moments. It will get better.

Of course there were good times, it's part of how they justify to themselves that they aren't the bad guy.

No-one actively sets out to have a relationship with an abuser. The abusers have to be on good behaviour at least at the beginning to reel you in, and there's always going to be elements of the good times still there otherwise it would be much easier for their victims to make the decision to leave.

Thank you. I know I'm doing the right thing and I will 100% stay strong but it hurts so, so much. He was such a kind, gentle, loving guy when I met him. Everyone adored him and I honestly have never had such an instant connection with or loved anyone so much. I thought I'd finally found and chosen a really good man. Even when things were difficult between us or he was being horrible to me I still adored him. I need a counsellor to help me unpack all of this.

DD told me tonight that she slapped him as he was dragging me down the stairs to try to get him to stop. That made me feel so proud of her but also made my blood run cold, the fact that she felt she had to protect me like that.

I'm sorry to keep posting, it feels good to get my thoughts and feelings out and I'm worried I'm starting to bore all of my friends.

I would honestly read threads on here about crap, useless, abusive husbands and think 'thank god mine isn't like that.' What happened???

I'm glad your DD is sharing with you - though I can only imagine how difficult that felt to hear. I hope you can speak further with GP / Women's Aid/ Nursery etc.. once they open tomorrow.

I understand the questioning "what happened? " I'm there too.... though not as far along as you are..

For what it's worth I think a couple of answers spring to mind

1. It's NOTHING to do with you (I know I need to take my own advice on this- though it's so much easier to see when seeing other people's situation in black and white) and
2. probably nothing that would make sense to you even if they were able to "explain" it ...

The "what happened" from the point of view of my "DH" is so skewed it's verging on irrational (however much I reflect on "there are 2 of us in this relationship, maybe I did / didn't do x,y,z ) . It's just so hard to hang onto when in the midst of it , and when it's all tied up with love, family , home, and who they "were" ( or "appeared" to be - or "Both) ....

Keep posting

Eteiene x

Please don't apologise for posting. This is your safe place where you can say what you need to, get it all out and get advice.

I know where you're coming from in terms of seeing the man you married turn into someone you don't recognise. Mine did. For a while I thought it was just because he turned to alcohol, but it's always much more complex than that. There was the way he was raised, there was the 20 years in the US Air Force, there was his own deep lack of self esteem, there was his rigid view of how the world 'should' be as compared to how the world really was - and all of that was compounded by the loss of his parents (they didn't die young, but it hit him hard). He became someone I absolutely didn't recognise, only his abuse wasn't physical so it took me years to do anything about it.

You've had a massive, massive shock and you have so much to come to terms with. Allow yourself time to do it, take this as your safe place to vent if you need to.

His family got in touch with my dad today to ask if he could contact the kids.

DD told me tonight that she slapped him as he was dragging me down the stairs to try to get him to stop

My god, he's a cold cold person. Do his family know he dragged you down the stairs? Do they know the children witnessed it? Do they know DD physically attacked him to make him stop? He's a very dangerous man and I hope he never gets unsupervised contact.

You are probably feeling dizzy for a multitude of reasons. Dehydration, lack of food, lack of sleep, stress, shock, high anxiety, but also did you bump your head at all?

Good luck for tomorrow

A few things . You may be eligible for funding for the two year old now you are a single parent - do look into that.

I left my ex - one thing that sticks with me from that time . I felt my ex had crossed a line ( though previously strangling wasn’t that line ) but I felt I had lost hope we could be a proper family - it took time to know how long I stayed it wasn’t going to work because he is abusive . It took time to confidentially do things he didn’t allow . My first thing was watching hospital dramas- it sounds so ridiculous I am an intelligent , university educated adult who allowed someone to tell me what I could watch on Tv - but it was quite symbolic if my freedom .

Don’t expect the road to be always challenging , some things will be harder than others .

you are doing amazing and your children are a great distraction … hope you get some sleep

He wasn't a good man, he wore a good mask.

Soethig I have done and works for me, but not for everyone, is to set aside a time to worry.
Set aside 15 mins to let that loop play over and go through the what ifs? After that stop worrying.

When a thought enters your head push it away and save it for tomorrow's 'worry time'.

Keep posting OP.

It gets worse, doesn’t it . He is an awful, awful man to do what he did to you, but to slap your daughter too. That's hideous.

Keep going. You have done a brave thing - definitely the right thing.

You should be reporting that slap to the police. Hitting a child in the face tells you everything about him all over again.

Get rid of him and get a very good solicitor. One that will get money out of him now as you divorce. Interim maintenance they call it and then you will be some control.