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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I had DH arrested yesterday

280 replies

Neverimagined · 03/08/2023 23:41

I'm just in utter shock. I was too ill to get out of bed, he was demanding I get up and look after the children. I begged him to let me rest and he threw a glass of water over me then dragged me out of bed and down the stairs. In front of my DD9 who was screaming at him to get off me.

I'm just in shock. I was starting to open my eyes and realise that some of his behaviour was controlling/coercive/gaslighting, but I never thought he'd be violent. Especially in front of the kids. He hasn't shown any remorse. Everything is always my fault because I'm crazy/unstable/hormonal according to him and he's been messaging my family trying to convince them as much.

I'm heartbroken. Running on adrenaline I think because I can't sleep or eat. I need to figure out the next steps in terms of the practicalities of divorce and the children but I can't think straight because I have 2 under 2 to look after. I'm on maternity leave at the moment so have no income of my own. I can't believe he's done this to us, to our family.

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 05/08/2023 12:53

i would cancel the passports as hes a definite flight risk with the kids

keep going one day at a time

ButtonMoonLoon · 05/08/2023 13:16

Whether you find the passports or not I would keep nursery informed of what’s going on.
Assuming he has PR they are unlikely to be able to prevent him picking up your son if he tried to so if you’re concerned he might try and get him from there you may want to consider alternative childcare for now.

Original poster
Neverimagined · 05/08/2023 20:56

I've really struggled today. I think the shock and adrenaline are wearing off and I'm starting to feel really traumatised. I keep having flashbacks and I've really struggled to keep it together for the kids. Taking them all out by myself is so exhausting and I keep thinking this is it, this is my life forever now. Struggling by myself. And I didn't choose this.

Most pathetic/confusingly of all, I miss him so fucking much.

Sleep would help but my mind just won't switch off. My body feels like it's vibrating.

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 05/08/2023 21:08

I am so sorry you are feeling like this. Please contact your GP as a matter of urgency. Can you speak to Women's Aid and see if they can refer you anywhere? Victim Support via the Police?

Of course you miss him. You miss the old him. You miss the person you thought he was. You need to grieve that loss, the loss of your hopes and your dreams. It's okay to do that. But please don't confuse that with missing the person he actually is.

I wish you the strength to not let him back in Flowers

BertieBotts · 05/08/2023 21:27

It is such a vulnerable time. What you're feeling is completely normal so please don't add shame or beating yourself up on top.

It's a really good time to gather any support around you that you possibly can. Do you have a good relationship with your family? Any friends that you trust? Any friends you've lost touch with that you could send a message asking for a catch up?

In the absence of anything else I used to put on films to distract me. I know it feels hopeless now but it definitely definitely definitely gets better. I would not recognise me now if I could have seen into the future back then.

BertieBotts · 05/08/2023 21:28

And you can talk to us

AlfietheSchnauzer · 05/08/2023 21:48

Omg this triggered a flashback to when my Dad did this to me after stripping me naked (dragged me downstairs & outside by my hair) and left me outside in the freezing cold. I'd suppressed that memory completely until this moment...
Let me tell you - well done! Because it WOULD have get worse. Trust me. It always escalates. Well done 🙏

I really hope you're ok and that your 9yr old is ok too. As a mother myself to an 8yr old, I can imagine that in that moment, your worst fear was likely not what what he'd do to you but how it was affecting her 💜
Sending strength & gin Gin

ThreeLocusts · 05/08/2023 22:32

OP daughter of abusive man here. I'm so glad for your daughter that you got out of that situation. My mum was very much the boiled frog too, I think it's true that you are lucky in a way he showed you so clearly who he is.

It was bloody hard what my mother did. She's a hero to me. All the best Flowers

Andthereyougo · 05/08/2023 22:39

Just want to send you a hug.
If writing everything down is too time consuming can you voice record things you want to remember on your phone?

redastherose · 05/08/2023 23:06

@Neverimagined it sure if this will help you sleep but i found that if you have any audio books particularly one that you've heard before then it can help to put it on quietly and leave it playing when you go to bed. Then you can listen to the book rather than thinking about things and you may find you can drift off to sleep. Listening to a book you know well is best because your mind knows what is going to happen so you don't stay awake wanting to hear it.

EmeraldDuck · 05/08/2023 23:08

So sorry OP. Just want to repeat what everyone else said and also add re passports you can report them as stolen and then if he has taken them, he won’t be able to use them, as the border authorities won’t accept them as they’ll have been cancelled.

You can also contact the UK embassy of your husband’s country to put a flag on the children’s file that no new passports can be issued to those children by his home country.

NoPrivateSpy · 05/08/2023 23:16

AlfietheSchnauzer · 05/08/2023 21:48

Omg this triggered a flashback to when my Dad did this to me after stripping me naked (dragged me downstairs & outside by my hair) and left me outside in the freezing cold. I'd suppressed that memory completely until this moment...
Let me tell you - well done! Because it WOULD have get worse. Trust me. It always escalates. Well done 🙏

I really hope you're ok and that your 9yr old is ok too. As a mother myself to an 8yr old, I can imagine that in that moment, your worst fear was likely not what what he'd do to you but how it was affecting her 💜
Sending strength & gin Gin

Alfie, that is truly beyond awful and terrible. What a horrific specimen of a human. I really hope you are ok.

OP, you and your beautiful babies deserve so much better. You have totally done the right thing. Wishing you so much strength and love Flowers

AlfietheSchnauzer · 06/08/2023 00:22

@NoPrivateSpy Thank you. He changed completely in his later years and became a brilliant Dad to me until he died in 2010 but yeah, his actions towards my mum & I were horrendous. I was only small. It made for one very, very confused mind when he passed away

TheAverageJoanne · 06/08/2023 00:36

AlfietheSchnauzer · 06/08/2023 00:22

@NoPrivateSpy Thank you. He changed completely in his later years and became a brilliant Dad to me until he died in 2010 but yeah, his actions towards my mum & I were horrendous. I was only small. It made for one very, very confused mind when he passed away

My dad set my hair alight for being cheeky. I was very young, in primary school at the time.

retiringinthedeepend · 06/08/2023 00:41

Please please cancel the passports!

Nat6999 · 06/08/2023 03:13

Tonight, once your dc are in bed, could you have a soak in the bath? Find some bubbles & relax, take a book or put a podcast or music on your phone. When I was first on my own I had the radio playing if I was in on my own just to take away the silence. Have you changed the bed? Find yourself clean bedding & remake the bed, crisp clean sheets will make going to bed feel better, or if the bedroom feels wrong could you get a friend to help you swap bedrooms with one of your dc? Make the room your own, plan in your head how you want to decorate it, look on Pinterest, anything to keep your brain busy, read trashy magazines or books. Would someone bag up all his stuff & put it somewhere out of sight so you don't have to look at it? On Monday, speak to the council & ask if they have a sanctuary scheme, they fit extra security if you are a victim of domestic violence, this would at least make you feel safe in your home.

Rainbowqueeen · 06/08/2023 03:48

I believe you can email womens aid instead of calling them. Maybe try that?

Your feelings are all normal and expected. Please try the GP on Monday

Sending strength and warm wishes

Original poster
Neverimagined · 06/08/2023 06:56

Thank you everyone, some more excellent advice and suggestions. I managed to speak to Women's Aid yesterday, and they have assessed me to see if I'm eligible for a support worker to help with everything. It's mainly that I don't have the time or headspace to sit down and get started on it all when I'm running around after the babies all day.

I've started feeling really anxious/panicky/paranoid so my plan of action for Monday is to speak to my GP, have a meeting with nursery to see if they can prevent him from picking DS1 up, and if they can, I'm going to ask if they can take DS2 as well for a few ad hoc days over the next couple of weeks just to give me a bit of breathing space. DD goes away with her dad's side of the family again tomorrow, so I know she'll be happy and looked after for the next few days. She saw me cry yesterday and I hate myself for that.

As well as the GP and nursery, Women's Aid gave me the numbers of some family law solicitors to contact, so that's also on my list for Monday. In the meantime I guess I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I'm driving myself mad thinking about all the awful things he must be saying about me to his friends and family in his home town where he's staying. It just feels like an extra kick in the teeth after hurting me, traumatising me and turning my entire life upside down. How dare he.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 06/08/2023 07:00

It's OK for her to see you cry. You are processing something huge and crying is a healthy reaction.

This all sounds really proactive and yes exactly, just one day at a time for now.

whatchagonnado · 06/08/2023 07:19

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katmarie · 06/08/2023 07:36

He can say what he likes about you, but it doesn't change what he did to you. You, and the people who matter to you, know the truth. Anyone who takes his word for it over yours is not someone you need in your life.

Sadly things like this tend to highlight who your real friends are. You might need to prepare yourself for that.

theyarereallytakingthepissnow · 06/08/2023 07:47

You sound amazing. It's so hard but keep on going. One day at a time. One 'job'/thing to do at a time.

You'll get there and the sun literally and figuratively will shine again for you and your little ones.

mycatcontrolsmewith5g · 06/08/2023 07:57

SunRainStorm · 04/08/2023 01:23

@Neverimagined

Good on you OP.

A small thing- your post says 'I had DH arrested'. I encourage you to reframe this in your mind to 'DH's criminal behaviour towards me led to his arrest.'

His choices brought you here. Not yours.

Absolutely. It's the perpetrators behaviour, not the responses to it.

Original poster
Neverimagined · 06/08/2023 08:01

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If you think I'm troll @whatchagonnado feel free to report me. I hope you find something more productive to do with your Sunday than trollhunting on Mumsnet.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 06/08/2023 08:53

ParisP · 04/08/2023 00:14

You’re doing all the right things.

a good man wouldn’t have done that to you. A good man would have ensured you rested and made you cups of tea and chicken soup to drink in bed.

This. Exactly this. If I tell DH I'm not feeling well he tells me to stay in bed and deals with everything, brings me tea in bed. Even pops out to get me 🌺. I've been married to this good man for 18 years. You sadly have picked a bad man but you at least spotted that now. He acted abominately towards you dragging you down the stairs. You have got an astute friend to help you so speak to Woman's Aid and you can get legal aid for your divorce. Make sure you speak to Child Support to and make him pay for his kids. You'll probably find he grovels to try to get you back but stand firm. He knew what he was doing was wrong and cruel but did it anyway.