Page 9 | Husband won’t tell me secrets due to confidentiality

TwoPots13Pans · 03/08/2023 22:37

PrinnyPree · 03/08/2023 22:36

Why is it odd? She's been dogpiled by a bunch of hollier than thou morons whilst asking advice about her husband buying a gift for a female colleague who had a bad day without a crumb of context. I'd have fucked this thread off too.

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Yeah exactly.
Come back OP we're not all raring to have a go at strangers on a rainy Thursday night.... :)

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 03/08/2023 22:39

So you are upset because your husband abides by the basic principles of confidentiality? He would have no right to serve as a trustee if he didn't.

You sound ridiculous tbh. Why would you assume that confidentiality wouldn't apply just because you're married?

I wish more people thought like your DH does.

AmazingSnakeHead · 03/08/2023 22:42

I know a couple where one of them has some fancy government job that they can't talk about. Unless they are putting on a front, their partner genuinely has very little idea about what they actually do. As it should be.

firestarter2023 · 03/08/2023 22:45

He's right not to. You'd probably post it on MN 🙄

FrangipaniBlue · 03/08/2023 22:48

openthecurtainsagain · 03/08/2023 20:10

I work in an area which has a lot of 'secrets' and if it were me after a long day, I'd definitely want to talk about it with my other half so I could process/get it out of my system. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Maybe your DH just doesn't need to process things in the same way?

If he's working for a small charity and not MI5, personally I'd find it a bit nuts if he wouldn't tell me what it was all about.

It is people like you who make my job harder than it needs to be.

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/08/2023 23:00

I genuinely cannot see how ANYONE could think YANBU
I really can’t

YABU OP
HTH

saraclara · 03/08/2023 23:01

FrangipaniBlue · 03/08/2023 22:48

It is people like you who make my job harder than it needs to be.

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Yep.

I'm still absolutely appalled by that post. How the hell someone can work in a job that involves a high degree of confidentiailty and have absolutely no understanding of that that means, boggles my mind.

Sothisiit · 03/08/2023 23:02

You are married to a man with integrity, he is right to keep confidential matters to himself.
You are only looking for gossip so get over you hurt and by proud of him, his friends will respect him.

lookingforhomemum · 03/08/2023 23:04

SophieD1987 · 03/08/2023 19:35

Hi everyone,

How open are you with each other as a couple?

Hubby is the trustee for a tiny charity and the head of the charity had apparently had a terrible day yesterday due to an issue that ‘involved some people in the charity’ being unkind/creating an issue.

We both know all the members of this organisation.

My husband said we should get her and her husband a gift to help her feel better as she seemed very down.

However, he wouldn’t tell me anything about what the situation was.

I find this odd as my parents would tell each other absolutely everything and wouldn’t keep any secrets between them.

Am I wrong to feel hurt by this from my husband?

I think if it's confidential, he can't tell you and you would have to respect that. But the gift should come from him and you could just tell him that from your perspective, since you all know each other, you'll be the only one who doesn't know what's happened. Personally, I wouldn't get involved and just enjoy life and ignore the drama :)

HeadNorth · 03/08/2023 23:05

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/08/2023 23:00

I genuinely cannot see how ANYONE could think YANBU
I really can’t

YABU OP
HTH

I think the OP is not being unreasonable, so there you are. As I have posted up thread, DH & I will share confidential things with each other because we absolutely trust each other. I think this is pretty normal in long marriages- as the OP witnessed with her parent’s marriage.

continentallentil · 03/08/2023 23:08

Yes YABU

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 03/08/2023 23:11

OP - if you shared some confidential information with a friend, would you expect her to tell her husband ? As I certainly wouldn't . I would be upset and angry if someone had broken my trust like that.

I work with confidential information . My husband does not know any of the people involved but I still don't gossip to him about it .

WisherWood · 03/08/2023 23:11

HeadNorth · 03/08/2023 23:05

I think the OP is not being unreasonable, so there you are. As I have posted up thread, DH & I will share confidential things with each other because we absolutely trust each other. I think this is pretty normal in long marriages- as the OP witnessed with her parent’s marriage.

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It's not about whether you trust each other. It's about whether the other party concerned is aware that this information is being shared and whether they would want you to know.

If you went to a doctor with a medical issue that you wanted to be kept confidential, would you want their spouse to know about it? Would you just think oh well it's fine, the doctor trusts them?

UsingChangeofName · 03/08/2023 23:11

So you are upset because your husband abides by the basic principles of confidentiality? He would have no right to serve as a trustee if he didn't.

This.
I mean, you have even answered your own question in your title.
the clue is in the word "confidentiality"

continentallentil · 03/08/2023 23:12

HeadNorth · 03/08/2023 23:05

I think the OP is not being unreasonable, so there you are. As I have posted up thread, DH & I will share confidential things with each other because we absolutely trust each other. I think this is pretty normal in long marriages- as the OP witnessed with her parent’s marriage.

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It’s a tiny charity where the OP knows everyone - it would be really unethical and poor if her husband told her. It’s not about the trust between them, it’s about people’s right to privacy.

If he had some corporate job where she knew no one that would be somewhat different - he could change a few names and details. He still shouldn’t technically do it, but it would probably be harmless.

PrinnyPree · 03/08/2023 23:13

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/08/2023 23:00

I genuinely cannot see how ANYONE could think YANBU
I really can’t

YABU OP
HTH

You think it's unreasonable for a wife to question her husband buying a gift for a female colleague who's had a bad day without any context? (Especially if said husband doesn't routinely buy her gifts for having a bad day)

I mean he's already Involved the OP and alluded to some drama going on at work, but she's the unreasonable one to be like "so why do you actually need to buy this women a gift exactly?"

🙄Mumsnet kills me sometimes.... 😅

Echio · 03/08/2023 23:14

Longleggedgiraffe · 03/08/2023 22:32

It shouldn't be okay to share confidential stuff, regardless of any context. WTF is wrong with people when it's considered normal and okay to break a confidence, especially in a professional environment?

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Because context does make a difference- you've even said so yourself by saying 'especially in a professional environment'.

Eg, a company restructure during covid - I knew who was getting made redundant well ahead of the announcements, it was a hugely stressful experience, and I spoke to my mum about it. She'd met a couple of the people, but wouldn't know their surnames or have anything to do with them directly, would have no interest in passing that information on in any way - wouldn't know how - and telling her was clearly not going to make any material difference to anyone affected by the situation. She'd know it was sensitive, and that I was only talking about it to help me process it, her interest would only really be with me.
And - because context is important - I hope it's obvious I never talked about those redundancies openly in the work environment, because in that context the betrayal of confidential information would be appalling and rightly sackable.
Talking to my mum, though, was honestly fine.

tachetastic · 03/08/2023 23:14

All that said, I'm fascinated by what was said that they need to get a gift not only for the head of the charity but also for her husband.

Did someone insult the stone cladding on their bungalow?

SoupDragon · 03/08/2023 23:15

When someone says "oh we tell each other everything!" what they are really saying is "I love to gossip so don't tell me anything in confidence because I won't ever keep it."

greyhairnomore · 03/08/2023 23:17

Why do you think he should break confidentiality so you can be nosey?

Hawkins009 · 03/08/2023 23:19

SophieD1987 · 03/08/2023 19:35

Hi everyone,

How open are you with each other as a couple?

Hubby is the trustee for a tiny charity and the head of the charity had apparently had a terrible day yesterday due to an issue that ‘involved some people in the charity’ being unkind/creating an issue.

We both know all the members of this organisation.

My husband said we should get her and her husband a gift to help her feel better as she seemed very down.

However, he wouldn’t tell me anything about what the situation was.

I find this odd as my parents would tell each other absolutely everything and wouldn’t keep any secrets between them.

Am I wrong to feel hurt by this from my husband?

Loose lips sink battleships, plus the usual I'll tell you only if you keep x a secret.

Then how long before yourself is talking to a friend and it's well I know x but you cannot discuss with anyone etc.

Bottom line, the only thing that can be trusted is the kettle.

Sorry op your other half is correct.

CapEBarra · 03/08/2023 23:22

My DP has signed the Official Secrets Act so, as far as his job is concerned, he tells me very little. Even if he does tell about work it’s about the cost of a sandwich in the canteen or something like that.

Womencanlift · 03/08/2023 23:22

If the drama is about the gift to cheer the colleague up, would people still have an issue if OPs DH had taken her out for a drink or lunch to cheer her up? Still money being spent if that’s what the issue is

Because I have had male colleagues take me out if I have had a tough day and I have taken male colleagues out for the same reason. For me only reason I would mention it to DP is if it changed our plans eg I was going to be late home. My DP has done similar and I haven’t asked for the juicy details when he got home

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 03/08/2023 23:24

mintbiscuit · 03/08/2023 22:30

Oh how odd?! OP hasn’t been back…

They never do ! You'd think someone going to the effort to create the post would at least have some interest in the topic - I don't get it .

Sometimeswinning · 03/08/2023 23:25

In the minority but I'd tell dh and he'd tell me. I can't imagine not talking to him about something which had upset or moved me to buy a person a gift. Yes its gossip but everyone does it. (Apart from some people on here apparently which I find very hard to believe if im honest! )