Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband won’t tell me secrets due to confidentiality

325 replies

SophieD1987 · 03/08/2023 19:35

Hi everyone,

How open are you with each other as a couple?

Hubby is the trustee for a tiny charity and the head of the charity had apparently had a terrible day yesterday due to an issue that ‘involved some people in the charity’ being unkind/creating an issue.

We both know all the members of this organisation.

My husband said we should get her and her husband a gift to help her feel better as she seemed very down.

However, he wouldn’t tell me anything about what the situation was.

I find this odd as my parents would tell each other absolutely everything and wouldn’t keep any secrets between them.

Am I wrong to feel hurt by this from my husband?

OP posts:
kikigen · 03/08/2023 22:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Quichetiger · 03/08/2023 22:05

yabu. My dh and I ‘tell each other everything’ but he has a similar position and I completely understand there are some things he can’t tell me. He’s had meetings at home I keep out of and keep the kids out of the way, I’ve had people thank me for his time and help and I know nothing about it, which is as it should be. I wouldn’t call these things ‘secrets’ they’re not his to tell and he is professional and respectful about his role.

WandaWonder · 03/08/2023 22:05

100% husband is right

Sittingonasale · 03/08/2023 22:10

Nope. I work in school. Should I tell my partner confidential information about a safeguarding issue perhaps?

Absolutely not.

C8H10N4O2 · 03/08/2023 22:10

laveritable · 03/08/2023 21:52

YABU
MYOB
Your DH is a man of honour!

so honourable that he has involved his wife in the issue by telling her something is going on and wanting a present bought for the people involved (who she knows)?

If its an issue covered by confidentiality he should never have opened his mouth. If its not covered by confidentiality he has already involved her by telling her something is happening.

Stravaig · 03/08/2023 22:10

Your husband is not hiding secrets from you, he is keeping the confidences of others private, as he should. Your husband has an entire life beyond you, and numerous interactions and intimacies with other people that are none of your business. You do not own him.

I do not respect or trust people who blab everything to their current partner, or best friend, or family member. I take care not to tell them anything, in either a personal or professional capacity. Your husband should not have mentioned anything at all. Which would have the added benefit of not unsettling you with vague allusions.

Like pps, what is said to me goes no further. I safely hold all manner of confidences private, secret, sacred. I tell no-one, ever.

I am told this has been a source of frustration to gossips in my vicinity, as I am essentially a dead end for information flow :)

CombatBarbie · 03/08/2023 22:11

I work for a village charity..... Honestly, GPDR etc etc.... Just take his word. I don't tell my husband anything!!

2023usernameNew · 03/08/2023 22:13

Remember what happened when the lawyer that told his wife about JK Rowling writing under a different name?

I think you should be glad your husband has integrity.

tachetastic · 03/08/2023 22:13

There is a world of difference between confidentiality (which concerns limiting access to information to only those that have a right to know it) and secrecy (which concerns limiting access to information even to those that have a right to know it).

Keeping secrets in a relationship is never a good thing. Respecting confidentiality however is someting that should be applauded.

Loubielou1 · 03/08/2023 22:17

He is right not to tell you because he's a trustee and it is confidential. Why is it so important for you to know these other people's business anyway?

TwoPots13Pans · 03/08/2023 22:20

tachetastic · 03/08/2023 22:13

There is a world of difference between confidentiality (which concerns limiting access to information to only those that have a right to know it) and secrecy (which concerns limiting access to information even to those that have a right to know it).

Keeping secrets in a relationship is never a good thing. Respecting confidentiality however is someting that should be applauded.

I do think people are going a bit overboard with GDPR etc.
Say that X disclosed confidential information about a client Y - that is a breach of confidentiality.
Saying that X said blah blah blah (not in a confidential meeting) about Y - that is not necessarily confidential information. Of course, it is something which would not be great if it got out, but it isn't , legally speaking, strictly confidential. To repeat it would be spreading gossip, but nobody can be sued for spreading it.

We don't know what was said here, so we can't guess. But I think PP are ignoring all the mixing of relationships already happening here. This is OP's social circle, DH is talking about the feelings of another woman- one that he cares so much about, he wants to buy her a gift!

THAT is probably the crucial bit and OP's real question. Everyone seems to have jumped on her last sentence though regarding telling each other everything. Unusual for 'LTB he's cheating' MN.

If he had said ohh Derek was upset and I went out for drinks with him OP would probably have thought nothing about it. I highly doubt that OP's husband buys her gifts when she's upset.

HeadNorth · 03/08/2023 22:20

HappyBinosaur · 03/08/2023 20:42

@HeadNorth

DH & I share everything, including confidential work stuff. We absolutely and utterly trust each other. We’d never share with anyone else, but no secrets between us. We’ve been together over 30 years.

why though? And what do you mean by ‘everything’? If one of you was a doctor or therapist would you share every appointment of the day? Or just the interesting ones? I don’t understand what purpose there would be in divulging other people’s personal details to your spouse.

Just the interesting ones, obviously- who shares the tedious day to day trivia of their job? But yup, anything tricky, unusual or interesting we’d probably discuss - we value each other’s opinions and insights, apart from anything else.

PrinnyPree · 03/08/2023 22:23

TBF to the OP some might be a bit curious why their husband was buying a female member of staff a gift for her "and her husband" to cheer her up. What sort of gift OP?

Sorry you're getting dogpiled, my husband does tell me everything though so I would raise an eyebrow if he didn't give me a crumb of context if he we were buying her a gift. Xx

cherry2727 · 03/08/2023 22:25

100% husband is right

100% wrong!!! Keeping quiet about the issue and not naming who would have made him 100% right! I am gobsmacked at people concluding that the op's husband has integrity!
All those citing data breach should really look at the dh as the first offender - he should have never mentioned this to op or even name who was involved! Very poor of him!!!

cherry2727 · 03/08/2023 22:26

He even went as far as stating what the issue was - he just couldn't say what was specifically said!

Integrity my foot!!

Longleggedgiraffe · 03/08/2023 22:27

YABVVU Why do you think you are entitled to know something that is absolutely none of your business? Your husband is bound by the laws of confidentiality. Why is that so difficult to understand?

tachetastic · 03/08/2023 22:27

Quoting @TwoPots13Pans "I highly doubt that OP's husband buys her gifts when she's upset."

Bstrd!

sassyduck · 03/08/2023 22:28

YABU.

Longleggedgiraffe · 03/08/2023 22:29

C8H10N4O2 · 03/08/2023 22:10

so honourable that he has involved his wife in the issue by telling her something is going on and wanting a present bought for the people involved (who she knows)?

If its an issue covered by confidentiality he should never have opened his mouth. If its not covered by confidentiality he has already involved her by telling her something is happening.

Show quote history

But that doesn't mean he should compound the error by telling her everything. Two wrongs can't make a right. If what you say is true, then it's damage limitation time.

mintbiscuit · 03/08/2023 22:30

Oh how odd?! OP hasn’t been back…

Longleggedgiraffe · 03/08/2023 22:32

Echio · 03/08/2023 21:28

This!! It's quite normal to share confidential things but context, connections, relationships, etc are all at play as to whether or not it's okay.

Show quote history

It shouldn't be okay to share confidential stuff, regardless of any context. WTF is wrong with people when it's considered normal and okay to break a confidence, especially in a professional environment?

EmmaEmerald · 03/08/2023 22:33

OP I am horrified by your post. How can anyone think that confidentiality should be broken?

tachetastic · 03/08/2023 22:35

mintbiscuit · 03/08/2023 22:30

Oh how odd?! OP hasn’t been back…

Probably panicking that she has just cost DH his job!

PrinnyPree · 03/08/2023 22:36

mintbiscuit · 03/08/2023 22:30

Oh how odd?! OP hasn’t been back…

Why is it odd? She's been dogpiled by a bunch of hollier than thou morons whilst asking advice about her husband buying a gift for a female colleague who had a bad day without a crumb of context. I'd have fucked this thread off too.

TwoPots13Pans · 03/08/2023 22:37

Longleggedgiraffe · 03/08/2023 22:32

It shouldn't be okay to share confidential stuff, regardless of any context. WTF is wrong with people when it's considered normal and okay to break a confidence, especially in a professional environment?

Show quote history

Huh.
Like in someone's example
'JK Rowling' real name is blah2' = not ok.
'Some famous writers use pen names', no mention of anyone specific = ok.
'Issue with famous writer using pen name + identifying details, like she's got a 7 book fantasy contract'= NOT OK.

I mean there's a lot of gray here.