Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband won’t tell me secrets due to confidentiality

325 replies

SophieD1987 · 03/08/2023 19:35

Hi everyone,

How open are you with each other as a couple?

Hubby is the trustee for a tiny charity and the head of the charity had apparently had a terrible day yesterday due to an issue that ‘involved some people in the charity’ being unkind/creating an issue.

We both know all the members of this organisation.

My husband said we should get her and her husband a gift to help her feel better as she seemed very down.

However, he wouldn’t tell me anything about what the situation was.

I find this odd as my parents would tell each other absolutely everything and wouldn’t keep any secrets between them.

Am I wrong to feel hurt by this from my husband?

OP posts:
Katiesaidthat · 04/08/2023 09:03

I am cringing for you. I like your husband.

WandaWonder · 04/08/2023 09:15

Wotchaz · 04/08/2023 08:39

I agree it’s not unreasonable for your husband to keep this to himself, but it’s totally unreasonable to “tease” you with it by telling you half the story. If he thinks his co-worker needed a present, he should have sorted it himself and left you completely unaware, not outsourced the “wife work” that he didn’t fancy dealing with.

My Husband and I get help off each other for something without knowing the full story, nothing to do with some weird man vd women competition teasing thing we just help each other when we need too

I really think some people love drama and thrive off it

SoupDragon · 04/08/2023 09:16

DH & I will share confidential things with each other because we absolutely trust each other

so, basically you are both people who can't be trusted to keep things confidential

TwoPots13Pans · 04/08/2023 10:32

Womencanlift · 03/08/2023 23:22

If the drama is about the gift to cheer the colleague up, would people still have an issue if OPs DH had taken her out for a drink or lunch to cheer her up? Still money being spent if that’s what the issue is

Because I have had male colleagues take me out if I have had a tough day and I have taken male colleagues out for the same reason. For me only reason I would mention it to DP is if it changed our plans eg I was going to be late home. My DP has done similar and I haven’t asked for the juicy details when he got home

It's not about the money.
Spending time with someone to cheer them up is what good friends/colleagues do, preferably spur of the moment. I.e. during/end of the same working day you all go out and colleague pays. No issue, plus you get to take your mind off it.

Not going home... ooh-ing and aaah-ing about getting a gift that you can then just hand over. The moment has passed!

Do you genuinely not see the difference?

It would be like your colleagues taking you out the NEXT day, or even a few days later. Because you were upset on one day.

TwoPots13Pans · 04/08/2023 10:35

Kazzyhoward · 04/08/2023 08:02

I think the opposite. He's not having an affair, and has asked the OP to get the gift so that it's all in the open. Can you imagine how the wife would feel if she found out her husband had bought a gift for someone that he hadn't told her about - it screams an affair, and the husband wouldn't be able to explain himself properly. I think he's doing exactly the right thing and trying to be as open as his confidentiality clause allows him to be.

Show quote history

Respectfully, this is bonkers.
Nothing is out in the 'open'. OP is buying a random gift for a reason that she doesn't know. All it does is create confusion and worse still, the OP might be 'endorsing' something completely wrong. What if, say the other members accused the boss of favouritism? Buying a gift just cements it.

I'm surprised that you've missed the obvious points - if it's that much of a faff with 'confidentiality' etc just don't buy a blooming gift! Simple. It's not a life or death scenario. Chrissakes.

GreyCarpet · 04/08/2023 10:49

SoupDragon · 04/08/2023 09:16

DH & I will share confidential things with each other because we absolutely trust each other

so, basically you are both people who can't be trusted to keep things confidential

Exactly.

People known that, if they tell me something, it goes in the vault never to he repeated to anyone. Natter how close I am to someone else, no matter how many years down the line amd natter whether I even see the person who confided in me anymore or not.

There's a huge difference between keeping another person's confidences and keeping secrets from your partner!

Pertinentowl · 04/08/2023 13:32

He’s great, you not so much. You don’t get to have a power trip just because he has integrity

Kittycat37uk · 04/08/2023 13:34

I think you're not being unreasonable. My partner tells me everything we don't have any secrets at all he will tell me stuff that's happened at work but as a grown adult I know not to repeat to anyone what he has told me so there's no reason for hubby not to tell you because I bet you won't be shouting it from the rooftops no one would ever know what partner has discussed or told me so his works would never know same as your situation I assume u won't repeat to anyone so how will anyone know he has told you?

These ppl saying u are bu must have lots of secrets from their partner or summat but each to their own I know i couldn't live like that.

yummyscummymummy01 · 04/08/2023 13:36

I think him feeling sorry for someone, deciding to be discreet about the issue and buying them a gift to cheer them up is fine. Telling you half the story then getting you to buy the present (which is I presume why you know) is annoying. Why bother saying anything at all?!

GreyCarpet · 04/08/2023 14:12

These ppl saying u are bu must have lots of secrets from their partner or summat but each to their own I know i couldn't live like that.

Can you understand the difference between keeping a secret from your partner and keeping someone else's confidence (ie their secret) or maintaining confidentiality in a professional sense?

There are things I know about mutual friends of mine and my partner's (the mutual friendships predate the relationship) and I wouldn't dream of telling him something someone else had told me in confidence either from now or before the relationship began!

hoophoophooray · 04/08/2023 14:19

I have to keep work stuff confidential from my husband, no different to that surely? Some because it is absolutely not public domain, and some because it's grim and I don't want to talk about it

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 04/08/2023 14:19

GreyCarpet · 04/08/2023 14:12

These ppl saying u are bu must have lots of secrets from their partner or summat but each to their own I know i couldn't live like that.

Can you understand the difference between keeping a secret from your partner and keeping someone else's confidence (ie their secret) or maintaining confidentiality in a professional sense?

There are things I know about mutual friends of mine and my partner's (the mutual friendships predate the relationship) and I wouldn't dream of telling him something someone else had told me in confidence either from now or before the relationship began!

The pp clearly isn't capable of understanding the distinction that you highlight.

She presumably thinks it's a strength of the relationship that she and her partner are happy to breach the confidences of others to share everything with each other.

I see it as a significant weakness when partners insist on knowing things that are really none of their business instead of respecting the confidentiality of others. It suggests a deep insecurity and lack of trust in the relationship when you can't simply accept that your partner is keeping things to themselves out of respect for others' privacy and/or because of adhering to professional standards. I couldn't be with anyone who didn't understand that there was certain information to which they have no right to access.

GreyCarpet · 04/08/2023 14:28

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 04/08/2023 14:19

The pp clearly isn't capable of understanding the distinction that you highlight.

She presumably thinks it's a strength of the relationship that she and her partner are happy to breach the confidences of others to share everything with each other.

I see it as a significant weakness when partners insist on knowing things that are really none of their business instead of respecting the confidentiality of others. It suggests a deep insecurity and lack of trust in the relationship when you can't simply accept that your partner is keeping things to themselves out of respect for others' privacy and/or because of adhering to professional standards. I couldn't be with anyone who didn't understand that there was certain information to which they have no right to access.

Show quote history

Completely agree

ManateeFair · 04/08/2023 15:37

YABU. Just because you're married to someone, that doesn't give you a right to poke your nose into the private business of everyone he knows. Of course he shouldn't tell you confidential information relating to people who work for a charity where he happens to be a trustee, just because you're his wife.

UsingChangeofName · 04/08/2023 15:56

Couldn't agree more with @GreyCarpet and @MrsBennetsPoorNerves

AlfietheSchnauzer · 04/08/2023 16:56

Seriously?! What if your DH was a doctor and you happened to know one of his patients and that they’d seen him today for example, would you be accusing him of ‘keeping secrets’ by adhering to patient confidentiality?!?! (Despite the fact that he would be struck off & fired for it!)

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 04/08/2023 16:58

yummyscummymummy01 · 04/08/2023 13:36

I think him feeling sorry for someone, deciding to be discreet about the issue and buying them a gift to cheer them up is fine. Telling you half the story then getting you to buy the present (which is I presume why you know) is annoying. Why bother saying anything at all?!

Can you imagine OP's reaction of she found out from a different source that he had bought a gift and not told her? Especially if his explanation would've still been half a story.

AlfietheSchnauzer · 04/08/2023 17:08

I would never, ever put a partner in a position where they felt they had no choice but to breach someone’s confidence in them, just to placate my own insecurities

Doone21 · 04/08/2023 17:32

You're so funny! Do you not know confidentiality is a LEGAL duty not just a ethical decision.

CallieG · 04/08/2023 17:33

Other people being unkind is not anything to be secretive about. It’s not like it’s national security, what on earth would a tiny charity have to be so secretive about, the only thing they have would be financial records & even then, as a charity All financial Records are a matter of public record, there are no Secrets where charities are involved.
buying a couple a gift because the wife is feeling down? Does he buy You gifts if you’ve had a bad day? Sounds a bit sus to me.

Friendshipissue · 04/08/2023 17:37

It was my first massive green flag when I met DH. He absolutely wouldn't tell me anything confidential even in those first few dates when our brains didn't work properly with young love and I was delighted. It's a matter of integrity and respect to others and in fact I wouldn't want to be with someone who told other people's secrets etc.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 04/08/2023 17:39

CallieG · 04/08/2023 17:33

Other people being unkind is not anything to be secretive about. It’s not like it’s national security, what on earth would a tiny charity have to be so secretive about, the only thing they have would be financial records & even then, as a charity All financial Records are a matter of public record, there are no Secrets where charities are involved.
buying a couple a gift because the wife is feeling down? Does he buy You gifts if you’ve had a bad day? Sounds a bit sus to me.

Wow, some people really post without any idea of what they're talking about, don't they? You honestly can't imagine why a charity might want to keep things like HR issues confidential?

Please don't ever volunteer your services as a charity trustee. It sounds like you would do more damage than good!

mandlerparr · 04/08/2023 18:08

He did tell you what was going on. He said she was hurt by the words or actions of others in the group and that she feels bad, and he would like to send her a gift to make her feel better.

saraclara · 04/08/2023 18:13

CallieG · 04/08/2023 17:33

Other people being unkind is not anything to be secretive about. It’s not like it’s national security, what on earth would a tiny charity have to be so secretive about, the only thing they have would be financial records & even then, as a charity All financial Records are a matter of public record, there are no Secrets where charities are involved.
buying a couple a gift because the wife is feeling down? Does he buy You gifts if you’ve had a bad day? Sounds a bit sus to me.

I am a volunteer and trustee of a charity. Not only do our staff deserve confidentiality, but the very many users of our services absolutely do.

My work is very interesting. The stories of our service uses are often dramatic and heart-rending. But I never share them without permission because they're not my stories to tell. The very first thing that we tell the people we support, is that anything they share with us is treated confidentially, unless we think they could be a danger to themselves or others.

Sometimes they want their stories told, which is obviously fine. Sometimes, if I've got to know someone well, I'll ask then if they would like their situation to be known (without their name), maybe for campaigning purposes. But without their permission? No. I keep my word, as does everyone who works for us, paid or unpaid.

So in short, small charities absolutely have reason to keep things confidential. Often more so than a for profit company.

CantFindMyMarbles · 04/08/2023 18:42

You’re being unreasonable. End of. He’s explained and now you’re being bratty about it.