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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband won’t tell me secrets due to confidentiality

325 replies

SophieD1987 · 03/08/2023 19:35

Hi everyone,

How open are you with each other as a couple?

Hubby is the trustee for a tiny charity and the head of the charity had apparently had a terrible day yesterday due to an issue that ‘involved some people in the charity’ being unkind/creating an issue.

We both know all the members of this organisation.

My husband said we should get her and her husband a gift to help her feel better as she seemed very down.

However, he wouldn’t tell me anything about what the situation was.

I find this odd as my parents would tell each other absolutely everything and wouldn’t keep any secrets between them.

Am I wrong to feel hurt by this from my husband?

OP posts:
Honeychickpea · 03/08/2023 23:25

Womencanlift · 03/08/2023 23:22

If the drama is about the gift to cheer the colleague up, would people still have an issue if OPs DH had taken her out for a drink or lunch to cheer her up? Still money being spent if that’s what the issue is

Because I have had male colleagues take me out if I have had a tough day and I have taken male colleagues out for the same reason. For me only reason I would mention it to DP is if it changed our plans eg I was going to be late home. My DP has done similar and I haven’t asked for the juicy details when he got home

On Mumsnet that would lead directly to accusations of an affair, and demands that the OP LTB.

Tg2023 · 03/08/2023 23:28

Tell him to get her/them a gift! Wtf should you? Like others are saying not your business so he can get the gift.

MysteryBelle · 03/08/2023 23:30

PrinnyPree · 03/08/2023 22:36

Why is it odd? She's been dogpiled by a bunch of hollier than thou morons whilst asking advice about her husband buying a gift for a female colleague who had a bad day without a crumb of context. I'd have fucked this thread off too.

Show quote history

This exactly. Morons indeed, yes.

ItJustFellOutLikeWordVomit · 03/08/2023 23:31

putting my hard hat on…..but I disagree with the majority and that you should know nothing when asking to buy a gift and just go with it. For me without going into detail “the head of the charity has had shit going on with family so I think we should send them flowers” would be enough for my to feel happy to send the gift and not dig or give away any detail but I would expect a high level overview before sending joint support x

ItJustFellOutLikeWordVomit · 03/08/2023 23:32

Should not know nothing*

Hawkins009 · 03/08/2023 23:32

CapEBarra · 03/08/2023 23:22

My DP has signed the Official Secrets Act so, as far as his job is concerned, he tells me very little. Even if he does tell about work it’s about the cost of a sandwich in the canteen or something like that.

What are the sandwich prices please on average ?

user1471447924 · 03/08/2023 23:34

You’re a nosy parker, he’s an honourable board member. How embarrassing for you.

Honeychickpea · 03/08/2023 23:37

tachetastic · 03/08/2023 23:14

All that said, I'm fascinated by what was said that they need to get a gift not only for the head of the charity but also for her husband.

Did someone insult the stone cladding on their bungalow?

I took that to mean that he saw a personal gift from him to the charity head might be inappropriate. But kudos for noticing the husband was included, rather than joining those casting suspicion that there was some kind of inappropriate relationship between OP's husband and the head of the charity.

Womencanlift · 03/08/2023 23:40

Honeychickpea · 03/08/2023 23:25

On Mumsnet that would lead directly to accusations of an affair, and demands that the OP LTB.

Show quote history

😂 very true!!!

Womencanlift · 03/08/2023 23:42

Tg2023 · 03/08/2023 23:28

Tell him to get her/them a gift! Wtf should you? Like others are saying not your business so he can get the gift.

The OPs post doesn’t say anything about the DH expecting the OP to go shopping for the gift

Tg2023 · 03/08/2023 23:47

@Womencanlift I didn't say anything about shopping for it.
The Op says he said they should get a gift implying op goes half in money wise. Why should she? It's nothing to do with her.

anon1888 · 03/08/2023 23:54

EmmaEmerald · 03/08/2023 22:33

OP I am horrified by your post. How can anyone think that confidentiality should be broken?

Op's husband telling her that there's a private issue that entails a present being bought for someone she knows.

MysteryBelle · 03/08/2023 23:59

anon1888 · 03/08/2023 23:54

Op's husband telling her that there's a private issue that entails a present being bought for someone she knows.

Show quote history

Careful now, using logic is something alien to some.

Rightsraptor · 04/08/2023 00:03

It's not your DH's secret though, is it? It's someone else's personal stuff and your DH is quite right not to tell you.

Harrysarseinthedogbowl · 04/08/2023 02:41

Sharing confidential information with a third party is like taking something which does not belong to you so that you can give it as a gift to the third party.

Kazzyhoward · 04/08/2023 08:02

pimplebum · 03/08/2023 20:12

He should respect his policies and work practices

However getting you to agree to buy a woman a present when you don't know situation is a bit odd
Why a cheer up present ? Why not flowers and card,
why involve you ?
Why can't he just get her a nice cupcake as a cheer up gift? is he having an affair and this is sneaky way he can buy her a birthday gift ???

I think the opposite. He's not having an affair, and has asked the OP to get the gift so that it's all in the open. Can you imagine how the wife would feel if she found out her husband had bought a gift for someone that he hadn't told her about - it screams an affair, and the husband wouldn't be able to explain himself properly. I think he's doing exactly the right thing and trying to be as open as his confidentiality clause allows him to be.

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/08/2023 08:09

HeadNorth · 03/08/2023 23:05

I think the OP is not being unreasonable, so there you are. As I have posted up thread, DH & I will share confidential things with each other because we absolutely trust each other. I think this is pretty normal in long marriages- as the OP witnessed with her parent’s marriage.

Show quote history

@HeadNorth

i don’t think you should be telling your husband confidential work details tbh

HeadNorth · 04/08/2023 08:13

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/08/2023 08:09

@HeadNorth

i don’t think you should be telling your husband confidential work details tbh

Show quote history

Well, people do different things and the world keeps turning. How long have you been married for, before I take your advice?

C8H10N4O2 · 04/08/2023 08:23

Longleggedgiraffe · 03/08/2023 22:29

But that doesn't mean he should compound the error by telling her everything. Two wrongs can't make a right. If what you say is true, then it's damage limitation time.

Show quote history

Oh sure, but the OP is being pilloried here and the DH canonised for "respecting confidentiality" when he was the one who initiated the conversation and involved the OP in whatever was going on.

We don't even know if its business confidential - simply he wouldn't tell her the details about something involving a mutual friend who happens to be at his place of work. It might be work related or it could be that the upset person discovered her partner was shagging someone else.

A lot of assumptions being made on this thread.

saraclara · 04/08/2023 08:29

HeadNorth · 04/08/2023 08:13

Well, people do different things and the world keeps turning. How long have you been married for, before I take your advice?

Show quote history

I can't speak for the person you're quoting, but my DH and I were married for 35 years before his untimely death. And it would be 45 if he was still here, and I STILL wouldn't be telling him anything that I'd been told in confidence. Because we respected the fact that though we trusted each other, the person asking for confidentiality had not chosen to tell him/me the information.

Telling one person a confidence does not come with 'but of course you can tell your spouse' as standard.

HeadNorth · 04/08/2023 08:35

saraclara · 04/08/2023 08:29

I can't speak for the person you're quoting, but my DH and I were married for 35 years before his untimely death. And it would be 45 if he was still here, and I STILL wouldn't be telling him anything that I'd been told in confidence. Because we respected the fact that though we trusted each other, the person asking for confidentiality had not chosen to tell him/me the information.

Telling one person a confidence does not come with 'but of course you can tell your spouse' as standard.

Show quote history

I am very sorry about your husband's death, that must have been very hard for you.

The OP doesn't actually say anything about the person involved asking for confidentiality by the way, a lot of people are reading things that aren't written.

In any case, as I said earlier, we can all do things differently and the world keeps turning. The OP is getting an absolute pile on and I don't feel she has done anything to deserve it, so I wanted to point out that my DH & I do things more like the OP's parents and that is what works for us.

WandaWonder · 04/08/2023 08:37

HeadNorth · 03/08/2023 23:05

I think the OP is not being unreasonable, so there you are. As I have posted up thread, DH & I will share confidential things with each other because we absolutely trust each other. I think this is pretty normal in long marriages- as the OP witnessed with her parent’s marriage.

Show quote history

I am long term married and no way my husband and I tell other peoples 'secrets' (I word young kids probably use best), I wouldn't respect him of he did

How do you know your husband is not keeping anything from you - unless you both go through everything every single day people would know everything?

Wotchaz · 04/08/2023 08:39

I agree it’s not unreasonable for your husband to keep this to himself, but it’s totally unreasonable to “tease” you with it by telling you half the story. If he thinks his co-worker needed a present, he should have sorted it himself and left you completely unaware, not outsourced the “wife work” that he didn’t fancy dealing with.

gannett · 04/08/2023 08:46

Wotchaz · 04/08/2023 08:39

I agree it’s not unreasonable for your husband to keep this to himself, but it’s totally unreasonable to “tease” you with it by telling you half the story. If he thinks his co-worker needed a present, he should have sorted it himself and left you completely unaware, not outsourced the “wife work” that he didn’t fancy dealing with.

Saying "we should get her a gift" is not outsourcing wife work. OP hasn't said that he's asked her to do anything at all, merely that he's made her aware of the context of why a gift will be given (presumably "from" both of them as they both know the woman in question). Neither is that "teasing"!

Lots of projecting and speculating on this thread but what it boils down to is that the OP's husband is reasonable both to let his wife know that he's buying a gift for a mutual friend AND for him not to give precise details if they're conventional. I am not sure why she would get in her feelings about that. Is it not enough to just know that someone's going through a tough time? Do you actually need all the gory details?

PaintedEgg · 04/08/2023 09:00

i think he cannot tell you specifically because you know these people - if it somehow came out that you knew the details, his breach of confidentiality would become known.

besides, do you actually need to know? other than being a bit too curious is there a reason why you have to know the details?