Strange situation on family holiday :(

[LittleStar1985]

Hello, I wasn’t sure where to post this so hopefully it’s ok here. It’s a bit long, I apologise.

I have just returned from a family holiday to Greece with my husband and 2 young children. The holiday was an all inclusive and we were all so excited. I was slightly apprehensive as my husband likes a drink and on our previous all -inclusive he went a bit crazy with the free cocktails and had to keep going to bed at 8pm but he said he’d be better this time etc so anyway we went on holiday for 14 days and first few days all fine but then another English family arrived and my husband made friends with the dad who had brought a load of expensive whisky at the duty free so he invited my husband up to their room to taste some of this lush whisky and that’s kind of where it started, he was gone for 2 hours and was so drunk when he came back and then the rest of the holiday was a bit similar, he would start on the cocktails and tequilas at 11am and then then by 7pm he was falling asleep and so I had to take the kids to the evening entertainment on my own. I voiced my objections a number of times and he said he’d be better the next day but he never was so I just gave up.

So anyway, on day 7 or 8 of our holiday, I was sat watching the kids by the pool, my husband was in the room still sleeping at 1pm and one of the entertainment staff came up to me and said ‘would your husband like to play volleyball’ - you know the classic entertainment stuff and I said I’m sorry he is sick today in the room not sure he will be out just yet etc etc blah blah and the guy asked if he needs him to get the hotel doctor and I said no it’s fine, just a few too many tequilas but he’ll be fine and then he looked at me so kindly and asked if I wanted to move sunbeds nearer to the entertainment because then he said he and his team can entertain my kids and I can relax a bit, well with this I burst into tears, I was mortified at doing it but I couldn’t help it.
From that point on, this entertainment guy made it his mission to give my kids and I a brilliant holiday, he got us up and playing in the pool, he watched the kids whilst I went to the toilet or to get them drinks, he gave them pool toys and he made sure he chatted to me throughout the day. He was my age (35) and we had a few things in common here and there. I added him on Instagram as he asked permission to put a picture of my kids winning a trophy on the hotel Insta page and I said yes then he said he will add me too. Anyway, just a lovely man who never overstepped the line, didn’t talk about personal things, didn’t flirt at all etc and introduced himself to my husband and was so polite and discreet. On the day we left, he came to say goodbye to us all and literally out of nowhere I had this wave of utter sadness, I had to stop myself from getting teary and we said goodbye, he gave T-shirts to my kids, shook my hand and said we will keep in touch etc and hopefully we can come back one day.

A few days after returning home, he messaged me on Insta to ask if all was ok, did we get home ok and hoped we had a great holiday etc and I thought ‘I should just ignore this’ but classic me, I replied and now we are chatting quite a bit maybe 2 or 3 messages a day just random things or he will send me a funny meme etc but I feel like I can’t stop thinking about how lovely he was and how much he saved my holiday, the kids loved him and all the others- and I didn’t miss my husband once when he was off drinking it up in the room during the day and that is sad isn’t it because I love my husband so much.

i know that my marriage has some issues that need sorting and I should provably just ignore the messages of this dude but I can’t bring myself to do it. I know that lots of these foreign holiday types can just latch onto tourists with another agenda but I am
not naive and there is no sense of that here. He hasn’t said anything close to romantic or overly personal, just genuine kindness and interest in us.
I don’t suppose anyone else has ever been in a situation like this? I don’t know if I should just delete this person and move on…. I mean move on from what exactly!?? Arghhh. Confused as hell.

Very interesting

Sounds like he saw the situation for what it is. He saw your husband has an alcohol problem and he felt sorry for you and your children.

You should consider going to Al anon.

I can understand this; he’s giving you something nice in your life when your husband has disappointed you and not given you what you need. Essentially this is a distraction though from sorting out the problem with your husband. I don’t really see the messages going anywhere good so it really would be best to stop and speak to your husband instead and tell him that it was the entertainment people who made your holiday good and not him.

Have you spoken to your husband about his drinking? Tell him what the kids will remember about the holiday. I would be angry as hell for my kids and a bit humiliated
for myself. This guy sounds nice but he probably does fancy you.

Ps you sound like a lovely person and a good mum. I would have felt tearful too.

This is how affairs start.

You're slightly invested in him because there's something missing in your marriage right now. I'd suggest stopping all contact and work on your marriage for now

Yes he must see this all the time. AI is not good for a lot of people. Maybe his father was an alcoholic too. Very depressing all round. I think I would having the chat with h and would be looking at exiting the marriage. His drinking is not OK.

I would thank the kind man and stop messaging now. It was nice that he felt sorry for you and could so easily assess that your dh is an alcoholic and you needed help. Get angry that this even needed to happen.

Lastly, live is never enough. It doesn't matter how much you love him, it's not OK or a reason to stay. Your poor kids. And surely this isn't the only happy occasion he's ruined?

He is acting like a lovely ‘friend’ but what’s in it for him? I would think he wants more.

Stop messaging the pool guy and message a solicitor.

I can't understand how this could have happened on a 14 day holiday with a husband you love 'so much'. I can't visualise it at all.

Did your DH just do what he wanted every day?

Yes you are right. I’ll never see this person again and he showed me kindness when I needed it but it’s exactly as you say, I need to concentrate on my actual issues. Thank you! Sometimes you just need to hear someone else say it! x

She’s married to someone with a significant drink problem, which I think changes things. She can’t ‘work on her marriage’ without her husband addressing his alcohol-dependency.

OP, be kind to yourself. It’s hardly surprising that you responded to someone who stepped in and essentially co-parented your children on holiday.

Yes we have spoken about it since being home and he apologised and said it won’t ever happen again but I’m a bit dubious if I’m honest. He works long hours and works so hard so I know he wants to let his hair down, I get it, he comes from a family that do like a drink whereas my family just drink when we are out or on special occasions etc so we are a bit different there.
The only thing the guy ever said was that I have a good body for having two kids when I was joking that I couldn’t get my arse into the wetsuit lol. But that’s the only personal thing he said really. I mean, he was attractive in a classic Greek way I guess but my husband is also attractive so it wasn’t really a physical thing for me, more mental I think.

He was in bed every day because he got pissed every night. What a lovely family holiday.

@LittleStar1985 your husband said he won't do it again? He's done it before. He'll do it again. What a horrible holiday and massive waste of money.

Thank you Glokamorra for your kind words. I think I’m just feeling emotional about it all today. I know I need to address my husbands alcohol issues but I’m having these awful pangs of guilt for being friends and messaging this other person. My husband is a really lovely man, he just can’t say no to a drink and he is a big guy, he is 6 foot 3 and can take A LOT of booze before he is drunk. The days would start out lovely but as soon as that bar was open he was sat there chatting to the barman and might get in the pool with the kids for ten minutes here and there but I was the parent. He missed over half of the evehing shows as he was too tired and said they are ‘more yours and the kids thing’ lol …. great stuff.
Anyway thank you so much again for reply. I’m actually so thankful the kids and I had a great holiday in the end.

:(

you’re right x

Honestly, your husband behaved appallingly on holiday and seems to have form for doing so. I can see why you were taken in by this kind man but I'd reduce the contact with him now.

Thank you, you are right in everything you say. It’s just hard to delete and ignore someone who has had such a lovely impact on your life in such a short time. But maybe I will explain things and politely say goodbye. X

OP you don't need to work on your marriage, ignore that. Your marriage can't be worked on until your H understands he has a problem and addresses that, and if he doesn't do that, then HE is to blame for your marriage failing.

Your H couldn't even prioritise his wife and kids on a once a year family holiday, and drinking still came ahead of you all.

I would ignore the advice to go to Al Anon, I was in a similar situation with my ExH a few years back who sounds exactly like yours, and Al Anon was just women who had stayed with their alcoholic partners and were never going to leave them, but just wanted people to talk to about it. I went once and it was all women 30+ years older than me bemoaning their sad unhappy lives and I wanted to shake them and be like "leave him! Leave him! Why did you stay so long?" and then I realised I would become one of those women if I didn't leave my husband, and most likely my daughter would repeat the pattern and marry a man like him, and my son would become a man like him.

So I left him. I had a 3yr old, a 2yr old and I was pregnant, and I left. Honestly, best thing I ever did. It was like a weight off my shoulders and I no longer had to walk on eggshells wondering if he was going to come home from the pub on a Friday night, or if all his wages would be gone when he got back and I wouldn't be able to pay our bills that week.

The holiday rep is nothing to you. He's just a man who showed you kindness when you haven't been shown any in so long. It feels like someone has offered you a torch after living in the dark. It's not "him" you're attracted to, just the feeling of someone showing you kindness. My advice would be to stop messaging him, it muddies the waters. If your H finds out, it will become an issue that YOU are the problem in your marriage etc etc. Stop messaging him, and start writing down every time your H has done something that upsets you after you have made your feelings clear. One day, that list will be so long that you'll look at it and be like "I deserve better than this", and you'll be ready to leave him. Come back to Mumsnet when you are - the advice and support you get here is great. You've got this. <unmumsnetty hug>

I think you are reacting to the kindness of someone. Your DH behaved appallingly and ket you down. And this guy just saw it and went a tiny bit further than you would expect to make your stay nice and enjoyable.
He basically did the minimum that your DH should have done, him a stranger.

No wonder you were sad and burst into tears!!

Now the risk is to conflate the nice feeling that being looked after creates for something more. It isn’t. It’s only a reflection on badly your DH let you down.

fwiw yes I’m sure he works hard. But so do you!
You say he is working long hours etc… shouldn’t he then want to spend time with his family on the two weeks in the year he can do that? It’s not just you who didn’t see him. But his dcs too…. And he CHOOSE to not spend his time with his own children and his wife over someone he had just met.
You have Bigger issues going in because I’m sure that choosing himself/others over you is something that happens often. Not just related to alcohol.

So I’d lean in that feeling of sadness. Look at what’s going on in your marriage from an outsider look. The way the entertainer saw things. And re evaluate what’s going on, what you are accepting that isn’t acceptable/you don’t want to accept.

He sounds like the friend you needed on holiday. I'm glad he was there for you and your children.

Closer to home you need to decide what to do with your marriage. Your husband behaved appallingly again.
Will this be every family holiday for you and the kids? He needs to get help for his drinking.

Block and delete now op. Before your marriage to an alcoholic goes belly up and the blames mistakenly lands at your door....

Next year save yourself the bother. Just book a few weeks off, buy loads of cheap Retsina, and let him get smashed at home.