Strange situation on family holiday :(

[LittleStar1985]

Hello, I wasn’t sure where to post this so hopefully it’s ok here. It’s a bit long, I apologise.

I have just returned from a family holiday to Greece with my husband and 2 young children. The holiday was an all inclusive and we were all so excited. I was slightly apprehensive as my husband likes a drink and on our previous all -inclusive he went a bit crazy with the free cocktails and had to keep going to bed at 8pm but he said he’d be better this time etc so anyway we went on holiday for 14 days and first few days all fine but then another English family arrived and my husband made friends with the dad who had brought a load of expensive whisky at the duty free so he invited my husband up to their room to taste some of this lush whisky and that’s kind of where it started, he was gone for 2 hours and was so drunk when he came back and then the rest of the holiday was a bit similar, he would start on the cocktails and tequilas at 11am and then then by 7pm he was falling asleep and so I had to take the kids to the evening entertainment on my own. I voiced my objections a number of times and he said he’d be better the next day but he never was so I just gave up.

So anyway, on day 7 or 8 of our holiday, I was sat watching the kids by the pool, my husband was in the room still sleeping at 1pm and one of the entertainment staff came up to me and said ‘would your husband like to play volleyball’ - you know the classic entertainment stuff and I said I’m sorry he is sick today in the room not sure he will be out just yet etc etc blah blah and the guy asked if he needs him to get the hotel doctor and I said no it’s fine, just a few too many tequilas but he’ll be fine and then he looked at me so kindly and asked if I wanted to move sunbeds nearer to the entertainment because then he said he and his team can entertain my kids and I can relax a bit, well with this I burst into tears, I was mortified at doing it but I couldn’t help it.
From that point on, this entertainment guy made it his mission to give my kids and I a brilliant holiday, he got us up and playing in the pool, he watched the kids whilst I went to the toilet or to get them drinks, he gave them pool toys and he made sure he chatted to me throughout the day. He was my age (35) and we had a few things in common here and there. I added him on Instagram as he asked permission to put a picture of my kids winning a trophy on the hotel Insta page and I said yes then he said he will add me too. Anyway, just a lovely man who never overstepped the line, didn’t talk about personal things, didn’t flirt at all etc and introduced himself to my husband and was so polite and discreet. On the day we left, he came to say goodbye to us all and literally out of nowhere I had this wave of utter sadness, I had to stop myself from getting teary and we said goodbye, he gave T-shirts to my kids, shook my hand and said we will keep in touch etc and hopefully we can come back one day.

A few days after returning home, he messaged me on Insta to ask if all was ok, did we get home ok and hoped we had a great holiday etc and I thought ‘I should just ignore this’ but classic me, I replied and now we are chatting quite a bit maybe 2 or 3 messages a day just random things or he will send me a funny meme etc but I feel like I can’t stop thinking about how lovely he was and how much he saved my holiday, the kids loved him and all the others- and I didn’t miss my husband once when he was off drinking it up in the room during the day and that is sad isn’t it because I love my husband so much.

i know that my marriage has some issues that need sorting and I should provably just ignore the messages of this dude but I can’t bring myself to do it. I know that lots of these foreign holiday types can just latch onto tourists with another agenda but I am
not naive and there is no sense of that here. He hasn’t said anything close to romantic or overly personal, just genuine kindness and interest in us.
I don’t suppose anyone else has ever been in a situation like this? I don’t know if I should just delete this person and move on…. I mean move on from what exactly!?? Arghhh. Confused as hell.

The entertainment guy just sounds like someone that offered kindness and support for for OP when the person that should be supporting her and the children was clearly absent. Not sure why some are calling him a creep for showing empathy and clearly lifting the spirits of OP when she needed it.

The husband clearly has issues and his behaviour on holiday was appalling. He now needs to fully atone for this and really demonstrate that he can control his drinking, but also his behaviour in general. It does sound though that there may be an alcohol dependency here, as others have highlighted.

So did he manage to do the month sober OP?

You are reacting to someone who treated you and your children as you should be treated. Your husbands holiday consisted of "getting value for money" from early in the morning until his early bed time instead of spending time with his family and then having a drink when your children were in bed, or just having a glass with meals
Does your DH drink a lot when not on holiday ? Is his drinking affecting your day to day life (early nights , hangover days , inability to participate in family activities ?)I think if the answer to 1 or more of those is yes then you need to accept that he has a problem. Then you need to decide what to do because if he continues to drink it will continue to impact on you and , increasingly on your children.
I have been through similar behaviour, it's why I have never been on an AI holiday.2 of my 3 children said they resented it and that I failed to do anything about it. I thought I had been compensating by not touching a drop and not drawing attention to it. I was wrong. Someone else suggested Al anon, I second that and suggest you consider taking a break from him/separation because until he stops drinking things will only get worse. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Thank you for your reply.

I realised I never came back on here to update, not that anyone is probably that bothered lol but thought I should.

I carried on speaking to the man I met on holiday, more and more and I realised after a few weeks that I was in what can only be described as a full blown emotional affair. I just can’t believe it happened to be honest, I’ve never even so much as looked at another man in my whole marriage but I was messaging this man every day and we were speaking about personal things, our lives and it became 100% romantic in nature. He told me that he was starting to love me and then I said that this was inappropriate but I definitely felt the same. This went on for almost 2 months. I felt so happy at times that I had met this great person who was kind and listening to me and seemed to always look forward to talking with me, but then other times I felt horrendous guilt, like a kick in the stomach, I still feel that now.
The last week I have been trying very hard to end all contact with this man but I’m finding it terribly hard, every time I try, he tells me he loves me a lot and says he will miss me very much, never angry, always just kind and it absolutely breaks my heart. I know I’m being ridiculous and nothing can happen/ no future for us at all and that I absolutely must end contact out of respect for my husband, I just feel like I’m letting this person down because I said I’d always be a good friend to him and then ill be completely going back on what I said and blocking him. I’ll also really miss talking to him but I know it will get easier and I know that the whole reason this was even able to start / materialise into anything was because I felt so let down and lonely on holiday and felt resentment with regards my husband. Its just been a really weird 3 months but I do love my husband very much and I’m committed to sorting our issues , well, helping my husband with his issues and also addressing my own because I clearly have them.
My husband has been drinking a lot less and has been so much better in the last couple of months, I wonder if he sensed I was really unhappy and that he might lose me and it spurred him into action.

Anyway, thanks so much again to everyone for all the answers and advice. It really helped.

Thank you for updating. It was really kind if you. I do hope you get into therapy, if that is possible, because you clearly need a safe “third space” to process what is going on in your life. Ok this relationship with holiday man was inappropriate and an emotional affair but it could just as easily arisen within a same sex relationship with a female worker, nanny, or another female tourist. You needed support and you want a confidante. Because your dh is frustrating you and avoiding true intimacy.

Dont let a fantasy that he has changed because he is “drinking less” blind you to the reality—he is an alcoholic and that doesn’t get better. Read up on it, join AlAnon and do some work on yourself. Because without your DH deciding to commit to family life/you and sobriety he is going to continue to abandon you and the kids for himself and the bottle.

Thank you.

yes you are very right, I can’t just assume everything is fine now because he is drinking less. I just don’t come from a ‘drinking’ type family like he does so I never really understand the need to be drunk all the time on holiday or at events, I mean, tipsy so you can loosen up is one thing but absolutely ‘gone’ where you can barely string a sentence together is something very different. It’s not attractive and it’s awful for the kids.
In one of our conversations the Greek guy told me his dad was an alcoholic and used to walk around their little village bottle in hand shouting at 5am because he’d been up all night drinking and he said it was so embarrassing growing up but he did manage to calm down a bit with age, he said maybe my husband will do the same, get to a point where he’s had enough and naturally stop. You can’t rely on that happening though can you. I really want to book a holiday for next year somewhere different but I just don’t know if I can face it! 🤦🏻‍♀️
My family have been good, they have seen this side to my husband many times and think he definitely needs help but it’s hard for them to say anything because they feel it should come from me.
Anyway, thanks so much again for taking the time to message today x

Take care! Really take care! No ine has to live your life but you so no one else’s thoughts about it matter but yours. So don’t be influenced by his “family culture” or your family culture. None of that matters. What does matter is “your one wild and precious life” —don’t wait in hooe that drunken man comes to his senses late in life. They only stop when they are forced to stop, and by that time they have wasted your life and your children’s life.

Being married to an alcoholic is really lonely so I can totally understand how you fell for an understanding man.
Your husband needs help on different levels. Bereavement by suicide is a different type of bereavement and needs specialist therapy. Without this the grief will come back to bite him on the bum — a phrase from a bereavement counsellor I know. He also needs support to stop drinking, bereavement counselling will bring up lots of issues and alcohol is his crutch so it’s essential he gets the right therapy in the right order.
For you: https://al-anonuk.org.uk/getting-help/helpline/#:~:text=Call%20our%20confidential%20Helpline%20on,affected%20by%20someone%20else%27s%20drinking.

For your husband: https://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/
https://uksobs.org/
https://supportaftersuicide.org.uk/

Hope you’re ok @LittleStar1985

Hi @Whatishedoing

Thank you so much for asking after me.
oh my god it has been a horrendous month, the Greek man turned out to be an absolute arsehole, honestly, he accepted we couldn’t speak any more but wormed his way back into my life but continuing to message me, sending me pics of himself , telling me loved me etc etc, I felt bad for him and he told me his phone broke, I said I’ve got an old iPhone 7 (absolute piece of rubbish) that he is welcome to have, sent it to him, he told me he had to pay £40 to have it released from customs and I felt bad so I paid it. Which he was so thankful for, then he sent me a message that I think was meant for another woman because it made no sense and he was saying how he couldn’t wait for her to arrive etc and thanks for the gifts and I thought oh shit, I’ve been absolutely used here. I gave him a piece of mind, he texted a couple of times apologising and then literally ghosted me. So I blocked and deleted, this was about 2 weeks ago and it’s been shit but I told my husband about it all and bless him, he was so kind and so understanding, told me it’s ok as I was obviously in a really bad place and feeling sad and vulnerable. He has been to his therapist twice now and it’s early days but he is much better. Honestly, I’ve realised that I needed to be present for my husband and children and all the while I was in La La land. But I guess it’s what I needed at the time maybe!? Who knows but I’ll never contact or be contacted by that creep again and I feel like I can start to help my husband heal and sort out the issues.
What a strange thing to happen in my life, I’ve been all over the place since July, I thought I was going insane trying to battle with so many conflicting emotions.
Thank you so so much all of you for the kindness and support x

He sounds lovely and kind and he’s shown you there is a life out there beyond your alcoholic husband

that said focusing energy on him
might detract from the task in hand which is addressing the fact you are sadly married to an alcoholic

in the medium term you should try and get some support and a better understanding of this issue

a long distance crush on someone kind won’t help this issue

Sorry totally missed your update

so kind man turned into a creep
and your husbands getting some help ?

"Delete this person"

Delete the husband

Yeah the problem with your DH is still there.

Just cause random hol guy turned out to be a common garden shagger/user (which several of us highlighted the possibility of and were accused of all sorts of daring to say) and your DH has been sympathetic;.. doesn't mean your DH is any better than he was before.

Yes, that’s correct @Thisisworsethananticpated

basically, Greek guy was a creep, but I’ve realised that I think it was meant to happen and kind of jolt me into some kind of strange situation where I was forced to address my husbands issues (and probably some of my own). Even if the kindness he showed was all for the show, it did kind of show to me how a decent person/ man ‘would’ act on holiday.
Seeing how my husband has reacted to it all has been so eye-opening too. He didn’t get upset or angry, he felt sad for me and said that he feels he made me this vulnerable mess because usually he knows this kind of charm would never work on me, I would see straight through it.
my only issue is that we have booked already to go back to this hotel next year but I’m fairly sure the staff at these places change every year so we should be ok. I asked LOVEholiday if we can change they said we will lose our flights and our deposit so we have to go back, my husband said he will not do or say anything if this person is still there and I trust him, we will just go to another area because there are 9 pools and a water park so we can easily keep our distance, however, I very much doubt the person will still be there . I’m praying anyway because that would be the cringiest thing imaginable.

Wow I’m sorry to hear that @LittleStar1985 onwards and upwards for you and your family now I hope x

Did your dh manage to do 1 month sober

What does drinking a lot less mean as he was only drinking once per week before

Alcoholism is more about behaviour around alcohol.
Even if your dh was only drinking just once per week doesn’t make him less of an alcoholic than the man staggering around at 11am every morning already on his 4th can of Diamond White
It is the way your dh drinks that makes him an alcoholic

I note that whilst he has cut down, probably because he sees his marriage and safety net is in trouble he is only cutting down not stopping
The question is can he stop.

Why has he only been to a therapist twice in 3.5 months Why isn’t he going to AA. Why aren’t you going to Al Anon

Lots of questions as these updates are at odds with your original posts

No doubt this situation, though painful, has made it easier for your husband as you are now both “sinners” and he can always pity you rather than be ashamed of himself. But if it serves as a wakeup call for him that is all to the good. Don’t go back to that hotel. It is ridiculous to put yourself back near the scammer and those like him—especially given your dh’s untreated alcoholism. The whole Point of drinking the way your dh does is not to be responsible for his own actions or the safety and happiness of his family.

Imagine that his behavior was not die to his own drinking but to being poisoned by some new food? If you woke up after a binge during which you had behaved badly, lost time, put your wife and children through hell you would do everything you could not to repeat the experience. But your husband chooses his poison, as it were, again and again. Your dh will choose to repeat the experience as soon as he is on holiday. And you will be right back where you started.

It's so kind of you to have given your husband a way to make his drinking alpha-male bullshit your fault.

Succinctly put, Hellssmells.

Mhmm. Very convenient for him.

You started posting about the issues in your marriage.
Those issues are still there but somehow the focus now is on your “wrongdoing”
Why can’t you face booking a different holiday

Why put yourself in a position of anxiety
There is a whole world of holidays and resorts to go to why not book somewhere different

I suspect you have booked the holiday because then you have to stay together for another year

Honestly, I’ve realised that I needed to be present for my husband and children and all the while I was in La La land

Why are you making you the problem.

I think if anything you are living in La La Land now and thinking that it is up to you to put more effort in and then your dh won’t need to drink and everything will be lovely and ignoring the reasons this all occurred in the first place because those are things you can’t fix as they are your dh’s responsibility and he is only doing the bare minimum

Your dh doesn’t feels like he needs to change and with you blaming yourself for everything there isn’t any reason for him to change.

What came first, your dh’s drinking or the scammer from holiday. One led you to the other.

I wish you luck but all you are doing is dragging this all out for another year.

Thank you so much for the replies to my update.
I felt ok but then I’m reading these replies and I feel like an absolute idiot again :(
I feel like I’m the one that needs the therapy here because I obviously can’t stop blaming myself for my husbands issues.
His drinking is his issue, I know this, I know I didn’t cause it, I know I probably enabled it by laughing it off or just accepting it for so long so I do have to shoulder some of the blame but you’re right, I’m making this about my own guilt and not focusing on the wrong-doing of my husband.
I guess we felt like we can have a do-over of the holiday because it Was so crap, I don’t know if that makes any sense but they say you should go back to the places you have bad memories and make new ones!?
The holiday we have booked is only full board, not AI this time, the therapist said that if you have to pay for drinks then a physical transaction has to take place and it will allow my husband to pause before he gets a drink. He said that there is alcohol everywhere and there will always been social gatherings and pubs etc so the CBT is not taking away the temptation completely, it’s about re-training the mind to see the temptation differently, or something like that. My husband has to be able to sit in a pub for a pub lunch and be able to ‘not’ need to have 6 pints. Not that he does that all the time (he’s been on bitter lemon whenever we have been out the last few months and he enjoys it).
Anyway I don’t really know what I’m trying to say here, I’ve forgotten my point but I feel a bit stupid. I feel stupid for putting trust in a complete stranger, stupid for feeling guilty about it all too because it’s not entirely my fault.

Agree with @Yalta.

You are still badly stuck if you insist on continuing to OWN your husbands alcohol problem.

You need to understand why his addiction is your responsibility and your burden?

You will never move forward until you fully detach from this.

You sound so lovely.
It is such a shame to read how you burden yourself with a guilt that is not yours.

Are you having therapy for yourself?