Strange situation on family holiday :(

[LittleStar1985]

Hello, I wasn’t sure where to post this so hopefully it’s ok here. It’s a bit long, I apologise.

I have just returned from a family holiday to Greece with my husband and 2 young children. The holiday was an all inclusive and we were all so excited. I was slightly apprehensive as my husband likes a drink and on our previous all -inclusive he went a bit crazy with the free cocktails and had to keep going to bed at 8pm but he said he’d be better this time etc so anyway we went on holiday for 14 days and first few days all fine but then another English family arrived and my husband made friends with the dad who had brought a load of expensive whisky at the duty free so he invited my husband up to their room to taste some of this lush whisky and that’s kind of where it started, he was gone for 2 hours and was so drunk when he came back and then the rest of the holiday was a bit similar, he would start on the cocktails and tequilas at 11am and then then by 7pm he was falling asleep and so I had to take the kids to the evening entertainment on my own. I voiced my objections a number of times and he said he’d be better the next day but he never was so I just gave up.

So anyway, on day 7 or 8 of our holiday, I was sat watching the kids by the pool, my husband was in the room still sleeping at 1pm and one of the entertainment staff came up to me and said ‘would your husband like to play volleyball’ - you know the classic entertainment stuff and I said I’m sorry he is sick today in the room not sure he will be out just yet etc etc blah blah and the guy asked if he needs him to get the hotel doctor and I said no it’s fine, just a few too many tequilas but he’ll be fine and then he looked at me so kindly and asked if I wanted to move sunbeds nearer to the entertainment because then he said he and his team can entertain my kids and I can relax a bit, well with this I burst into tears, I was mortified at doing it but I couldn’t help it.
From that point on, this entertainment guy made it his mission to give my kids and I a brilliant holiday, he got us up and playing in the pool, he watched the kids whilst I went to the toilet or to get them drinks, he gave them pool toys and he made sure he chatted to me throughout the day. He was my age (35) and we had a few things in common here and there. I added him on Instagram as he asked permission to put a picture of my kids winning a trophy on the hotel Insta page and I said yes then he said he will add me too. Anyway, just a lovely man who never overstepped the line, didn’t talk about personal things, didn’t flirt at all etc and introduced himself to my husband and was so polite and discreet. On the day we left, he came to say goodbye to us all and literally out of nowhere I had this wave of utter sadness, I had to stop myself from getting teary and we said goodbye, he gave T-shirts to my kids, shook my hand and said we will keep in touch etc and hopefully we can come back one day.

A few days after returning home, he messaged me on Insta to ask if all was ok, did we get home ok and hoped we had a great holiday etc and I thought ‘I should just ignore this’ but classic me, I replied and now we are chatting quite a bit maybe 2 or 3 messages a day just random things or he will send me a funny meme etc but I feel like I can’t stop thinking about how lovely he was and how much he saved my holiday, the kids loved him and all the others- and I didn’t miss my husband once when he was off drinking it up in the room during the day and that is sad isn’t it because I love my husband so much.

i know that my marriage has some issues that need sorting and I should provably just ignore the messages of this dude but I can’t bring myself to do it. I know that lots of these foreign holiday types can just latch onto tourists with another agenda but I am
not naive and there is no sense of that here. He hasn’t said anything close to romantic or overly personal, just genuine kindness and interest in us.
I don’t suppose anyone else has ever been in a situation like this? I don’t know if I should just delete this person and move on…. I mean move on from what exactly!?? Arghhh. Confused as hell.

Your husband is an alcoholic and sadly booze takes over their lives rendering you and your children completely unimportant because the drink has to come first.

The holiday chap helped you and your children have a lovely holiday.

There is a danger of you idolising him as the knight in shining armour come to save you and you may be overlooking his own thoughts.

Why is he being so friendly with a married woman you may ask yourself

His attentions have flattered you and perhaps you can now find the strength to decide whether to stay with your husband if he agrees to give up alcohol altogether or to leave.

It doesn't sound like he is going to want to give up the drink so really it's in your best interests and your children's to split up.

Do not overstep the line with the holiday man, in fact you are better off telling him you have a lot of things to sort out and won't be contactable for awhile.

Don't add a new man to the mix of what is already going to be a difficult situation whilst you split from your husband etc

When all the dust is settled and you still feel drawn to his man you can rethink about contacting him, mindful that a lot of holiday reps are quite gregarious with female holidaymakers and you may not be the only one he is overly friendly with.

I think you need to be more clear with your husband. He thinks you’ve talked and it’s fine. You need to tell him: We just went on holiday without you, you were not really there. What kind of man books a holiday with his family and fails to turn up every day? Shall I book the next holiday properly without you? I’d much rather do that than the kids see this as normal. I will absolutely not take our kids on another holiday like that ever ever again, and if that means the end of us then it means the end of us.

You should stop messaging the Greek guy because it’s only stroking both your egos rn and distracting from the issue.

You need to decide if your H is really the man you need him to be.

I think I'd send something like this: "I'm going to say goodbye to you now, Dimitri (insert real name of Greek bloke). Thank you so much for all your kindness and especially your help with my children. I need to concentrate on family matters now. Best wishes, LittleStar.

Then, get your DH some help with his mental health/drinking.

OP you sound so lovely and your latest update has me tearing up. You’re exactly where you need to be. I have been affected by suicide in the family and what happened to your husband must have been devastating. Stay strong for your family and help him get the help he needs. 💐

Op, I am a functioning alcoholic. I only drink at night at home, but on holiday, I start at about 10am, with a beer at the pool. I manage to take care and pace myself, so I am present for my DH until the very end of the day, like midnight. DH also drinks. My children are grown up, but if I had grandchildren on holiday with me, I could easily not drink until night time, when the day was winding down anyway. So I think your DH has a huge problem. He drinks even when he knows he is responsible for children, I wouldn't do that. On a positive note, I had no alcohol yesterday at all, and I am now giving up.

The feelings that you describe, I know exactly, as I had them myself at your age. My then H had let me down by cheating on me, and a few other things, and I craved "a different man", and I truly felt it in my soul. And indeed, another man, just like your entertainment guy, was the catalyst for me to exit my marriage.

Personally, I'd keep talking to your new friend. If your DH finds out and doesn't like it, I'd simply say "of course we are friends, he was there for me and the children on holiday, when you were blacked out" It might give him something to think about.

I think you need to really open up a conversation about your husband's disgraceful behaviour. Apologies and promises to do better next time are meaningless. Hes said that once and what happened? He is just kicking the issue into the long grass.

Ask him the difficult questions such as why did he lie each and every day of that trip that he intended to drink less? If he couldn't stop his behaviour does he realise this is addiction? What would he have changed about the holiday? Why did he avoid his kids for 2 weeks to drink and nurse a hangover and hugely- where was his regard for you in all this? What about your holiday?

The resort chap isn't the issue as you are well aware.

He was good to you, saw the situation clearly and acted professionally to ensure you had a good trip. Maybe you could remain friends and if he's a single guy he perhaps will start to flirt but please don't let this become the focus of your thoughts.

You don't need a romantic fantasy or a bit of intrigue/ forbidden texting to angst over. You need real change in your real life.

No need to block or make a big decision about the guy, just thank him for his kindness then text less frequently. Don't focus on whether his compliments were meaningful or his looks or whatever.

See the reality. You were left alone by your drunk husband to manage the kids abroad. A nice man working at the resort did his job and stepped up. That should never have had to happen. It isn't romantic or anything. It is akin to reading Mills and Boon to distract from your husband's shitty behaviour. You deserve a lot more.

Remember that this Greek guy meets dozens of attractive women and is either genuinely very kind or just enjoys harmless flirting. I hope you do speak to your Dh, he has effectively abandoned you to do all the parenting for the majority of the time. I’d be furious.

I’ve done this too, my partner isn’t nice

Its because they show you that life isn’t all the mud and crap you seem to be in 24/7 with whatever’s going on in your home life
I wouldn’t continue messaging him as it’s all too easy to use him and your conversations as an escape from what’s actually going on in your marriage and address those issues first

xxx

I think you are right that this is absolutely nothing more than someone who showed kindness to you and your children when you needed it. My hunch, just from what you said, is that he may have seen something in your family dynamics that he himself experienced and he saw a chance to step in and try to make the best of a difficult situation for you. Perhaps it was quite cathartic for him. I'd thank him for his kindness and say you'll definitely be in touch if you're back at the hotel in the future and he still works there - but don't let him follow you and have access to your personal information as you don't really know him (even though all seems perfectly above board).

And yes, as you say, your husband needs to address his drinking problem. I am a (now sober) alcoholic and at the end, I was drinking 3 bottles of wine a day, every day. But I never missed out on holiday time with my kids (I may not have been fully present, as you can't be when you're drinking), but I was never in bed at 7pm, or out late partying with randoms, or not getting up in the morning to spend time with my family. He's missing out on so much, and your dc are missing out on him too.

I really feel for both you and your husband. How terrible for him to lose his dad that way and on his birthday 😞
I hope DH listens to you. You might need to be really firm with him. I know you say what a lovely DH he is but people with drink dependency or alcoholism are very selfish. It's a drug after all.

Firstly get your DH to go to AA, secondly never book another all inclusive holiday

I was slightly apprehensive as my husband likes a drink and on our previous all -inclusive he went a bit crazy with the free cocktails and had to keep going to bed at 8pm but he said he’d be better this time etc

You up go on holiday. Same thing happens and then

Yes we have spoken about it since being home and he apologised and said it won’t ever happen again

Maybe call your dh out on the lies and what makes him believe you will go on holiday with him again.

Obviously your dh can control his drinking at home as if he had so much to drink and couldn’t get up in the morning he wouldn’t have a job

I wonder if your dh has a trigger E.g. the other couple who despite going to an AI hotel still brought their own booze. I suggest they were alcoholics and wanted a drinking buddy so they could deflect and show that there were others who drank as much as them and it didn’t make them look like the “alcoholic couple”.
They recognised a fellow drinker and separated him from you by making out they were different from the masses, massaged his ego to think drinking better quality booze made them and him feel superior to their fellow holiday makers. Not getting involved with the “lame” entertainment

You can’t make him stop drinking but maybe for his own benefit going forward whether you leave or stay he needs to recognise the script that people like those he met on holiday come out with and what those words trigger in him that blinds him to not see the red flags people like this couple display

Fundamentally even if he wanted to give up drinking and was successful, without addressing the triggers it will just take another person to come along and deliver the script and he will be back to square one.

Life once you've left an alcoholic is so wonderful. I hope you can get out, fast. Xx

Sadly, unless an alcoholic accepts there is a problem and actively seeks help no amount of family support will help them. Eventually, their life runs on a drinking timetable, e.g., 6pm is G&T time, it's Sunday lunchtime and time for a beer at the pub, and one way or the other they will ensure their timetable is closely followed.

Alcoholism either stops because the alcoholic wants to stop, or gets worse over time no matter how much help is available to them.
Incidentally, taking over tasks which they start to neglect because of their drinking is called enabling - but the pain of bills not being paid and appointments being missed falls on the non-drinking partner, and that's often the reason alcoholics can continue drinking without consequences - because someone else is holding their life together and keeping the home running.

''Drinking'' is not just that. It does cause strokes - I've known two people who ''drank'' and had strokes in their 50s and one died from it. Also someone else who died quickly from oesophagus cancer cause by daily drinking probably.

I think that man was being really kind which is lovely, he probably knew straight off what was going on. With regards the private messages I would stop them. Either when a natural lul comes in the conversation don't reply. Or tell him it's been lovely talking to him but you are taking a break from SM for a while and don't message anymore.

Your husband on the other hand. I would be seriously seriously pissed off with him. That sort of behaviour is not on basically leaving you and the kids to have a holiday alone. I would be talking to him again.

@DancingFerret i don’t get the impression from the OP that he is like this all the time/at home. I know lots of people with similarly complicated relationships with alcohol who aren’t actually alcoholics.

He sounds like he was great at his job as a holiday rep/ entertainer but would he have behaved as he did and kept in touch via Instagram if you were a 70 year old grandmother rather than 30 something with a "good body"? I think the answer is no, and there will be more behind this, and I think the best thing is to let this go and focus on your life at home. If it was a man doing this, there would be a lot less people saying be kind to yourself and stay in touch. Your husband doesn't sound great, but this "friendship" isn't the answer.

The OP stated, "I was slightly apprehensive as my husband likes a drink" before she described what happened on their holiday.

I interpret that as the OP's husband having form for inappropriate drinking.

Please don’t let your kids be raised in an alcoholic household, they (and you) deserve better. You need to give your husband an ultimatum, his family, or alcohol. Yes, it’s devastating about his dad, but your children knowing that drink comes before them is even more devastating.
I wouldn’t end the friendship with the Greek guy, no lines have been crossed, and you enjoy chatting with him.

If you're still together next year, go self catering, no free drinks to mess your holiday up...........

Your partner needs to get help for his alcoholism. Call up AAnon to see how best to get help. You too are living with alcohol blighting yours and your kids lives. The holiday rep sounds like a concerned person. He sounds worried for you.

I've just had horrible flashbacks to holidays with my ex husband. I know exactly how you feel as my exh did exactly the same, every holiday. He spent all of it drinking, drunk or asleep. Leaving me to look after the kids. I also remember one holiday where DS made friends with another boy and I got chatting to the boys mum. She was telling me how amazing she thought I was for bringing the kids on holiday by myself. I didn't, h was upstairs in the room, drunk. He also promised it would never happen again (spoiler alert - it did! It got worse too).
The holiday guy showed you kindness when you needed it. It's not about him, it's about what you needed and aren't getting from your H.
Al-anon are great and have helped me understand my exh's addiction and that I can't control it. I'm really sorry you're going through this. Don't be hard on yourself. Stop contact with the holiday guy and Channel your energy into getting the support from other sources to help you move forward. I'm now happily divorced and wish I had done it sooner. You may not feel ready for that yet, and I completely understand, I didn't feel ready either. It's a long and heart breaking road.

You feel strange and sad because it has highlighted what is missing in your marriage and the realisation that life could be better if you had that same level of support from your husband.