Strange situation on family holiday :(

[LittleStar1985]

Hello, I wasn’t sure where to post this so hopefully it’s ok here. It’s a bit long, I apologise.

I have just returned from a family holiday to Greece with my husband and 2 young children. The holiday was an all inclusive and we were all so excited. I was slightly apprehensive as my husband likes a drink and on our previous all -inclusive he went a bit crazy with the free cocktails and had to keep going to bed at 8pm but he said he’d be better this time etc so anyway we went on holiday for 14 days and first few days all fine but then another English family arrived and my husband made friends with the dad who had brought a load of expensive whisky at the duty free so he invited my husband up to their room to taste some of this lush whisky and that’s kind of where it started, he was gone for 2 hours and was so drunk when he came back and then the rest of the holiday was a bit similar, he would start on the cocktails and tequilas at 11am and then then by 7pm he was falling asleep and so I had to take the kids to the evening entertainment on my own. I voiced my objections a number of times and he said he’d be better the next day but he never was so I just gave up.

So anyway, on day 7 or 8 of our holiday, I was sat watching the kids by the pool, my husband was in the room still sleeping at 1pm and one of the entertainment staff came up to me and said ‘would your husband like to play volleyball’ - you know the classic entertainment stuff and I said I’m sorry he is sick today in the room not sure he will be out just yet etc etc blah blah and the guy asked if he needs him to get the hotel doctor and I said no it’s fine, just a few too many tequilas but he’ll be fine and then he looked at me so kindly and asked if I wanted to move sunbeds nearer to the entertainment because then he said he and his team can entertain my kids and I can relax a bit, well with this I burst into tears, I was mortified at doing it but I couldn’t help it.
From that point on, this entertainment guy made it his mission to give my kids and I a brilliant holiday, he got us up and playing in the pool, he watched the kids whilst I went to the toilet or to get them drinks, he gave them pool toys and he made sure he chatted to me throughout the day. He was my age (35) and we had a few things in common here and there. I added him on Instagram as he asked permission to put a picture of my kids winning a trophy on the hotel Insta page and I said yes then he said he will add me too. Anyway, just a lovely man who never overstepped the line, didn’t talk about personal things, didn’t flirt at all etc and introduced himself to my husband and was so polite and discreet. On the day we left, he came to say goodbye to us all and literally out of nowhere I had this wave of utter sadness, I had to stop myself from getting teary and we said goodbye, he gave T-shirts to my kids, shook my hand and said we will keep in touch etc and hopefully we can come back one day.

A few days after returning home, he messaged me on Insta to ask if all was ok, did we get home ok and hoped we had a great holiday etc and I thought ‘I should just ignore this’ but classic me, I replied and now we are chatting quite a bit maybe 2 or 3 messages a day just random things or he will send me a funny meme etc but I feel like I can’t stop thinking about how lovely he was and how much he saved my holiday, the kids loved him and all the others- and I didn’t miss my husband once when he was off drinking it up in the room during the day and that is sad isn’t it because I love my husband so much.

i know that my marriage has some issues that need sorting and I should provably just ignore the messages of this dude but I can’t bring myself to do it. I know that lots of these foreign holiday types can just latch onto tourists with another agenda but I am
not naive and there is no sense of that here. He hasn’t said anything close to romantic or overly personal, just genuine kindness and interest in us.
I don’t suppose anyone else has ever been in a situation like this? I don’t know if I should just delete this person and move on…. I mean move on from what exactly!?? Arghhh. Confused as hell.

@TheoTheopolis23 The rep is not a doctor or a teacher. Why shouldn't he make friends with guests?

Not all Greeks seem to agree.

‘There were approximately 73 thousand Greek nationals residing in the United Kingdom in 2021, an increase from the 26 thousand Greek nationals residing in the United Kingdom in 2008. The highest number of Greek nationals residing in the United Kingdom was in 2016 and 2018 with 74 thousand nationals.’

in 2023 , there are 17230 British Nationals living in Greece.

I can only say thank you again to all the people that have given advice, thank you so so much.

A couple of people asked what my husband is like normally and he is mostly ok, he drinks once a week either at the pub or if he can’t get to the pub he drinks at home and he will drink until he is very drunk and either fall asleep on the sofa or sometimes he will stay at his mates house after the pub if he is too bad.
He used to drink every night, not to the state of getting really drunk but tipsy and then he would have a foggy head and forget things at work and at home so we agreed once a week. My children love him, he is a great dad most of the time, he is definitely not a classic alcoholic but when he does get the opportunity to drink without limit, he will take advantage, it’s like he cannot control himself. I’ve probably enabled him a lot and for that I have so much regret but I’d never really been around sometime who loved alcohol so much (or relied on it so much) . I think sometimes he does ‘more’ than alcohol if you get my meaning and that I do not agree with at all but he tends to have a group of friends that are all single or divorced men in their 40s/ 50s so I think he forgets that he isn’t like them and has a family at home to answer to. It’s really irresponsible and when I type it out like this I’m embarrassed.

He works very hard, 12-14 hour days so he isn’t this lazy type man that can’t function normally, he can, which makes it all the more hurtful when he doesn’t and when he lets me and our children down after saying he won’t.

The man on holiday was so kind and I think I will do as others have suggested and just keep it very few and far between, he hasn’t messaged me today and I haven’t messaged him so it may just phase out like others have said but I’ll never forget him as long as I live I don’t think.

My husband is home from work in an hour and I intend to have a big talk with him once the children are in bed, I’ve written a list of things to say because I get forgetful when I’m talking and he always has this way of making me forget my point trying to be funny or play things down but I’ll not let him this time. Cold Turkey with help and therapy is the best thing I think, he can get access to a therapist through his work so there’s no excuses.

Thank you all again from the bottom of my heart, I feel so encouraged.

I'm so glad you've taken strength from this and realised that you don't have to and won't live like this or let the children live with it.

I expect once you start thinking about it, booze has a disproportionate role in your family. I'm so sorry for you. My friend is married to a similar man and although I would suspect that most of her friends can see he is an alcoholic (e.g. if you go round for a social occasion he drinks A LOT and pressures everyone else to do so, it's like it's his favourite thing and he usually drinks every day albeit not so much) I don't think she lets herself admit it.

When you're talking to him, just remember the 3 C's. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. This is on him to fix, not you, so don't even attempt to. He has to be the one to find and get on board with helping himself. Don't fall into the trap of wanting to help "fix" him because you can't. You can support him, but he has to do this of his own accord for it to work.

Lay out your boundaries, stick to them, and be very well prepared for what happens if he goes over them

he is definitely not a classic alcoholic but when he does get the opportunity to drink without limit, he will take advantage, it’s like he cannot control himself

Ummm, sorry @LittleStar1985 but that IS “classic alcoholic.”

I think that’s probably an extreme binge drinker @FarEast

Agree with earlier pp - it isn't YOUR job to work on, or concentrate on your marriage. It's your husbands job - and you can't trust him, he's confirmed that repeatedly.
The man at the hotel gave you a snapshot of the possibility of positive attention, consideration & kindess. So no, it's not really about him per se (even if he WAS attractive) - it's about you seeing other possibilities that don't involve a selfish, thoughtless uninvolved husband who has serious alcohol issues who prioritises whisky over family time and fails to be there for the family.

I think pool guy is a keeper and your alcoholic husband is not. He likes you, is caring, doesn’t mind you have children. Keep in touch with him, good men are so hard to find.

I think the biggest kindness this guy may have given is showing you that you cannot continue in your marriage the way it is. Send him a nice message, saying you really appreciated him, but then delete and block. Because he’s only ever going to be a distraction from sorting out the problem.

Sounds like there’s a lot behind your husbands drinking. Just remember impact on you and the kids is just as important as his intent. You can walk away because someone acts awfully, even though you understand why they act that way. Whatever you do, don’t continue like this.

if he is willing to seek help, my husband finds ‘1 year no beer’ really useful. He had a one-to-one with someone from there and gets daily emails with motivational quotes and little journalling prompts and tips and advice.

It’s really kept him on the straight and narrow and he’s found the structure of it really helpful.

https://www.oneyearnobeer.com/

Your dh is not a lovely man
He didnt care about you or dc
But only he can decide to fix it

How can OP work on her marriage? She's not making her h drink; he's choosing to do that!! He should be working on himself instead!

Going to bed at 7pm because he is so drunk and then sleeping all morning???? WTAF!!

Where is your anger at his awful behaviour on holiday??

He has managed to lower your expectations to a microscopic level. This is not normal or acceptable but somehow you have normalised it.

Lots of male tourist industry staff pay attention to, are charming to, flirt with, sleep with etc. tourists on a revolving basis. They see it as constant supply/turnover of potential sexual partners. Many are themselves attached but not forthcoming about that.

Some are willing to put in a little bit of effort on SM etc. if they think the tourist will return to their region.

I wouldn't ever jump to the conclusion that they are thinking on terms of a relationship, happy to take on step children etc. Not all attention is LTR- intended attention.

Because men rarely make "friends" with women to only be friends.
Sad but true.

If he was in my employ, I wouldn't want him hitting on the guests and potentially causing situations (at best letting guests get too emotionally involved with them, at worst cheating with attached guests (and you don't know for absolutely certain that he's not attached himself). It is not professional. It is taking advantage of a familiarity, sort of dependance (in this case) and trust established through my business, as a function of my business. I would think it's appropriate that they help the guest when there are keep it professional and neutral, I would not think it appropriate that they swap SM details and start messaging them when they leave.

If things go awry, it's "my" business that the reviews might become very critical of. It's also just not a professional way of doing business to have your male staff forming "friendships" with female guests.
It's not a friendship, he doesn't know her at all. And attempting to get to know her via distance while she's still married is not feasible or really appropriate. If it was a female hotel worker or rep messaging your husband on SM after you'd left and there was no need to have any further contact, I don't think most of you'd be thinking "aww, how sweet, she's just being friendly, and he's just being friendly by reciprocating", you'd be suspecting you had a little bidding emotional affair on your hands.

Also op was clearly vulnerable on that holiday; it's fine that he helped her while there in his employment capacity, but that should be where it's left by him.

*budding

but I’ll never forget him as long as I live I don’t think.

(And this quite extreme reaction to a worker showing some observation, consideration & kindness, part of which is their job, part maybe their personality; is why I described op as vulnerable on that holiday and in general).

And other posters are away off on "oh, pool guy, he sounds amazing, he doesn't mind you having kids" flights of fancy on top of that.

You don't know if this guy is even single, you don't know how often he forms "special connections" with female guests, you don't know how often he swaps SM details and contacts them, you have no idea how he thinks about the interaction.

You can't work on your husband's alcohol addiction. Only he can.

You need to remove yourself & your kids from this marriage. Your OH won't change as you are still there. He has done this on 2 holidays. He will do it again.

Don't make excuses for him. He seeks treatment, joins AA & stays 100% sober or that's it.

Tbh. The entertainment guy was a lovely distraction. And made your kids holiday. Thank goodness someone did. Your OH was disrespectful & humiliated you. He didn't give a shit about you or the kids. This is alcohol addiction. It wasn't the all inclusive holiday that was the issue. It is and always will be his addiction to alcohol that is.

Stop contact with the Greek guy.
Consult a solicitor
Join an alcoholic family support group.
Ultimatum your OH

Good luck.

Yes. This.

Yes. So easy to be overwhelmed by the kindness of strangers when your OH fails you & your kids so badly on a lovely holiday.

Great family holiday. Id bd livid with him. Sounds like you have an extra child to look after 24/7. Its like youre constantly reining him in with his drinking. Id be so worried a downward spiral was in the future. Your poor children living with this. I imagine there have been a lot of other occasions hes ruined too with his inability to say no to drink. And occasional drugs? Fgs youre ok with that? Get rid and tell him to grow up! Hes 40s for christ sake

@LittleStar1985 I hope your talk with your DH has been constructive. It can’t have been an easy one.

I do think you need to realise your DH is an alcoholic though. Drinking once a week the way he is is binge drinking and IS one way to be an alcoholic.
There is also such a thing as a functioning alcoholic. Some who can’t stop drinking, relies on alcohol to keep them going but the are so used to it that it doesn’t look like they have drunk at all.
Last but not least, your DH can drink huge amount of alcohol before looking drunk because he is used to alcohol/is an alcoholic, not because of his size 😢😢

Ots hard. It’s very hard to realise the person you love is struggling so much.
And I get what has been the trigger for that.

But you can’t let all of that means you and the dcs become collateral damage to his struggles.

Wise words

How did it go?