Strange situation on family holiday :(

[LittleStar1985]

Hello, I wasn’t sure where to post this so hopefully it’s ok here. It’s a bit long, I apologise.

I have just returned from a family holiday to Greece with my husband and 2 young children. The holiday was an all inclusive and we were all so excited. I was slightly apprehensive as my husband likes a drink and on our previous all -inclusive he went a bit crazy with the free cocktails and had to keep going to bed at 8pm but he said he’d be better this time etc so anyway we went on holiday for 14 days and first few days all fine but then another English family arrived and my husband made friends with the dad who had brought a load of expensive whisky at the duty free so he invited my husband up to their room to taste some of this lush whisky and that’s kind of where it started, he was gone for 2 hours and was so drunk when he came back and then the rest of the holiday was a bit similar, he would start on the cocktails and tequilas at 11am and then then by 7pm he was falling asleep and so I had to take the kids to the evening entertainment on my own. I voiced my objections a number of times and he said he’d be better the next day but he never was so I just gave up.

So anyway, on day 7 or 8 of our holiday, I was sat watching the kids by the pool, my husband was in the room still sleeping at 1pm and one of the entertainment staff came up to me and said ‘would your husband like to play volleyball’ - you know the classic entertainment stuff and I said I’m sorry he is sick today in the room not sure he will be out just yet etc etc blah blah and the guy asked if he needs him to get the hotel doctor and I said no it’s fine, just a few too many tequilas but he’ll be fine and then he looked at me so kindly and asked if I wanted to move sunbeds nearer to the entertainment because then he said he and his team can entertain my kids and I can relax a bit, well with this I burst into tears, I was mortified at doing it but I couldn’t help it.
From that point on, this entertainment guy made it his mission to give my kids and I a brilliant holiday, he got us up and playing in the pool, he watched the kids whilst I went to the toilet or to get them drinks, he gave them pool toys and he made sure he chatted to me throughout the day. He was my age (35) and we had a few things in common here and there. I added him on Instagram as he asked permission to put a picture of my kids winning a trophy on the hotel Insta page and I said yes then he said he will add me too. Anyway, just a lovely man who never overstepped the line, didn’t talk about personal things, didn’t flirt at all etc and introduced himself to my husband and was so polite and discreet. On the day we left, he came to say goodbye to us all and literally out of nowhere I had this wave of utter sadness, I had to stop myself from getting teary and we said goodbye, he gave T-shirts to my kids, shook my hand and said we will keep in touch etc and hopefully we can come back one day.

A few days after returning home, he messaged me on Insta to ask if all was ok, did we get home ok and hoped we had a great holiday etc and I thought ‘I should just ignore this’ but classic me, I replied and now we are chatting quite a bit maybe 2 or 3 messages a day just random things or he will send me a funny meme etc but I feel like I can’t stop thinking about how lovely he was and how much he saved my holiday, the kids loved him and all the others- and I didn’t miss my husband once when he was off drinking it up in the room during the day and that is sad isn’t it because I love my husband so much.

i know that my marriage has some issues that need sorting and I should provably just ignore the messages of this dude but I can’t bring myself to do it. I know that lots of these foreign holiday types can just latch onto tourists with another agenda but I am
not naive and there is no sense of that here. He hasn’t said anything close to romantic or overly personal, just genuine kindness and interest in us.
I don’t suppose anyone else has ever been in a situation like this? I don’t know if I should just delete this person and move on…. I mean move on from what exactly!?? Arghhh. Confused as hell.

Ahh OP I do feel for you really.
And your DH was and is very very very wrong and his drinking needs addressing.

But I'd like to gently point out that this is on the very verge of an emotional affair.
Let's take the reason behind your behaviour out of the equation and just look at your behaviour. Do you think it is appropriate? Also, I would have my doubts about a man messaging a married woman with children. It is one thing to be of assistance as a staff member on holiday, but continuing to msg?

I think you know yourself what the answer is.

Let me reverse this for you.

My husband is messaging a girl he met on a cruise. I've confronted him about it, but he says it's nothing. She was apparently very helpful on the cruise and just kept in touch too see if we've returned safely. But they message every day?? I've seen a photo of her and she's very attractive, but my DH says he doesn't even see that. I'm not feeling like this is okay, but he says its just a nice memory of a good time

I know I need to address my husbands alcohol issues but I’m having these awful pangs of guilt

@LittleStar1985 it’s really not your responsibility. It’s his.

Your responsibility is to yourself and your DC. That’s where Al Anon is so good. It helps you detach from the maelstrom of feelings that your drinking DH puts you into.

You didn’t cause it (his drinking)
You can’t control it.
You can’t cure it.

Hardly! Greece is in the EU and therefore a better long term prospect than living in Britain. 😂😂

You’re married to an alcoholic. It’s that simple. And with that comes isolation, neglect, exclusion, sadness. And then someone was kind. Which you have understandably clung onto.

end your marriage. It’s not fair on your kids or you and trust me, they’re suffering.

Your DH sounds shit, I know he's had a terrible time with his DH but that doesn't excuse him behaving like that on a family holiday and leaving you to do it all.

Avoiding AI won't mean a decent holiday either .... if you're self catering I'm sure he'd stock up in duty free or the local supermarket. That sort isn't going to knock the drinking on the head just because it's free/on tap.

Go on your own next year if he hasn't dealt with his drinking problem.

AI is a disaster for alcoholics.

I love my husband so much

Why? He sounds fucking awful.

I love that this guy was there to ensure that you and your kids had such a lovely holiday. If he hadn't done so, your holiday might have been ruined. The bursting into tears means that you were holding so much in and coping on your own and his kindness meant that you could release all that pent up feeling.

Your husband, as you know, is a problem drinker. That's not entirely his fault. I imagine it's awful to be in the grip of something like that, but it's not your fault either, and you don't have to put up with it. You really need to address this with your husband. Be thankful that this guy was there to support you when you needed it, but the holiday is now over and you can set him aside and deal with what's in front of you.

If your husband doesn't get help for his problem and you end up leaving him, then I am sure that you will attract other nice men.

Very well said. Hahaha.

Nope. UK is not I'm the EU though so it's a difficult for a Greek person to move to the UK as it is for a British person to move to Greece

I think your first move should be to put that selfish, booze-addled twat you’re married to, in the bin.

Without wanting to stereotype or anything, Greek people are soooooo friendly and lovely. They genuinely will carry on these conversations, remember you when you go back, care about you and how you're doing. They're "good people" in my experience. The best you can get. So, his actions aren't unusual from my point of view. If you're worried, because of your own feelings, then reduce the contact but I wouldn't necessarily cut off a genuine friendship if it is innocent.

The issue with your marriage is not because of this person at the end of the day. That needs dealing with on its own and maybe you can look at counselling or a joint workbook that helps identify what you're missing and what to do about it. The contact with this other person will likely naturally reduce anyway.

he possibly just wants to know you are okay, you could just let messages tail off, and text him merry Xmas in a few months

he would start on the cocktails and tequilas at 11am and then then by 7pm he was falling asleep and so I had to take the kids to the evening entertainment on my own.

You are focusing on completing the wrong thing.

Your DH thinks it’s acceptable to treat you like a single parent.

What would happen to your kids if you wanted to get drunk or sleep in one morning?
Why are you the default parent?

Your DH has no respect for you or his kids and I’d honestly end the relationship over his selfish behaviour.

You say he’s lovely and you’re blaming the drink, which you’re just using as an excuse.

If he was really so lovely then you wouldn’t have felt such a connection to this other man who was being nice.

he was kind to you op.

I am so sorry to read this. These things are so sad but they are also sadly very, very common. You are not alone, OP. As you have realised, it was the feeling of being supported by someone who cares that has given you this dilemma. The root problem is that your husband has a severe alcohol issue and by the sounds of it a a very difficult history which as you've suggested is probably the cause. I do think guiding him towards some sort of professional help would be best, but you also need to think of yourself. You don't deserve to put up with this forever and if it doesn't improve with help, you need to do what's best for you and your life.

OP you poor thing.

I feel like your OH needs some therapy and addiction treatment. Using alcohol to self medicate isn’t normal and he probably has a lot of feelings about his dad that he hasn’t processed.

I feel sorry for you, maybe one night for a piss up would be good, but not every day!!!

Well done OP, for realising this can't continue.

Your husband has clearly suffered a shocking bereavement.

However, that doesn't give him the right to destroy his childrens lives with this path of self destruction.

Your children desperately need you to step up and tell him this is a deal breaker for you.

He needs to hear that and get it.

It will not be easy.

I suspect he is already an alcoholic whom may need treatment.

Reach out for support for yourself.

You need it.

Imagine he was a woman and behaved in exactly the same way and said exactly the same things. Would you feel you had to cut her off? I suspect not. This is friendship. Let it be what it is and no more. I’m glad you had a guardian angel on your family holiday. It sounds like you needed one.

If I'm correct in thinking the hotel worker is now in contact with you via SM (skin read), that's pretty inappropriate & unprofessional.

Helping you while you were there as a guest, yes - contacting and chatting with you after you are no longer a guest, no. Maybe ok if you were both single and both pursuing it, but you're not single. And I don't know about them.

Your h id a selfish dickhead and you should focus on that problem, rather than get into a potential emotional affair with a hotel entertainment worker you met (who is overstepping the boundaries of professionalism behaviour).

*skim read

This is what I think. Those entertainment reps notice everything (I used to be one).
He saw this lovely woman and her children and realised the horrible, selfish alcoholic man who was getting drunk or sleeping was her husband. He noticed and decided to make as best of the holiday for you as he possibly could. That is above and beyond, bless him.

I'm afraid your husband will only get worse. He has no self-control when the right buttons are pushed. How nasty to go on a family holiday and behave like that to your wife and little children - truly - you are not appreciated.

The rep guy thought the same. In this one particular case I personally would keep in touch with him. Your marriage is not going to last and you need all the good-hearted people around you you can get - and they are few and far between in life.

He is one of them.

What a shit husband and shit father. Your kids shouldn’t grow up thinking this is normal. Start considering your exit strategy.

I do think the fact your H's dad killed himself on your H's birthday counts for an awful awful lot. How was your H before this happened? Not excusing your H's at all. As a survivor of a parent killing themselves it is very different to other deaths. It really is. That doesn't mean you have to tolerate his behaviour or live with it - but it does mean that he needs a different kind of help. I am sorry for all of you having to go through this. I fear it will get worse before it gets better and you need to decide where your line in the sand is and protect your children.
There are online groups for people affected by suicide - he might not be ready for it but it could help you

You've been overwhelmed by the kindness of a stranger.