Strange situation on family holiday :(

[LittleStar1985]

Hello, I wasn’t sure where to post this so hopefully it’s ok here. It’s a bit long, I apologise.

I have just returned from a family holiday to Greece with my husband and 2 young children. The holiday was an all inclusive and we were all so excited. I was slightly apprehensive as my husband likes a drink and on our previous all -inclusive he went a bit crazy with the free cocktails and had to keep going to bed at 8pm but he said he’d be better this time etc so anyway we went on holiday for 14 days and first few days all fine but then another English family arrived and my husband made friends with the dad who had brought a load of expensive whisky at the duty free so he invited my husband up to their room to taste some of this lush whisky and that’s kind of where it started, he was gone for 2 hours and was so drunk when he came back and then the rest of the holiday was a bit similar, he would start on the cocktails and tequilas at 11am and then then by 7pm he was falling asleep and so I had to take the kids to the evening entertainment on my own. I voiced my objections a number of times and he said he’d be better the next day but he never was so I just gave up.

So anyway, on day 7 or 8 of our holiday, I was sat watching the kids by the pool, my husband was in the room still sleeping at 1pm and one of the entertainment staff came up to me and said ‘would your husband like to play volleyball’ - you know the classic entertainment stuff and I said I’m sorry he is sick today in the room not sure he will be out just yet etc etc blah blah and the guy asked if he needs him to get the hotel doctor and I said no it’s fine, just a few too many tequilas but he’ll be fine and then he looked at me so kindly and asked if I wanted to move sunbeds nearer to the entertainment because then he said he and his team can entertain my kids and I can relax a bit, well with this I burst into tears, I was mortified at doing it but I couldn’t help it.
From that point on, this entertainment guy made it his mission to give my kids and I a brilliant holiday, he got us up and playing in the pool, he watched the kids whilst I went to the toilet or to get them drinks, he gave them pool toys and he made sure he chatted to me throughout the day. He was my age (35) and we had a few things in common here and there. I added him on Instagram as he asked permission to put a picture of my kids winning a trophy on the hotel Insta page and I said yes then he said he will add me too. Anyway, just a lovely man who never overstepped the line, didn’t talk about personal things, didn’t flirt at all etc and introduced himself to my husband and was so polite and discreet. On the day we left, he came to say goodbye to us all and literally out of nowhere I had this wave of utter sadness, I had to stop myself from getting teary and we said goodbye, he gave T-shirts to my kids, shook my hand and said we will keep in touch etc and hopefully we can come back one day.

A few days after returning home, he messaged me on Insta to ask if all was ok, did we get home ok and hoped we had a great holiday etc and I thought ‘I should just ignore this’ but classic me, I replied and now we are chatting quite a bit maybe 2 or 3 messages a day just random things or he will send me a funny meme etc but I feel like I can’t stop thinking about how lovely he was and how much he saved my holiday, the kids loved him and all the others- and I didn’t miss my husband once when he was off drinking it up in the room during the day and that is sad isn’t it because I love my husband so much.

i know that my marriage has some issues that need sorting and I should provably just ignore the messages of this dude but I can’t bring myself to do it. I know that lots of these foreign holiday types can just latch onto tourists with another agenda but I am
not naive and there is no sense of that here. He hasn’t said anything close to romantic or overly personal, just genuine kindness and interest in us.
I don’t suppose anyone else has ever been in a situation like this? I don’t know if I should just delete this person and move on…. I mean move on from what exactly!?? Arghhh. Confused as hell.

The hotel guy clearly has a crush on you, what he said about your body. And also seems a nice guy. Yes this is how affairs start, emotional ones too. I wouldn’t beat yourself up about it. Sometimes these things work as a catalyst to help you to try to change your own situation. Of course your DH’s drinking is his issue and hard for YOU to change that but if it carries on you might wish to make some changes of your own. Ie LTB! If he doesn’t do anything to change.

Btw I wouldn’t feel guilty about messaging someone like this.
The way you describe it is more like some sort of friendship.

Where you dint want it to go is for that guy to become your emotional crutch. Or for mistaking the feelings of being cared for for love.
I would step back if you think it’s has the potential of becoming unhealthy for you. But please also remember that, sometimes, it’s those chance encounters that show us that we are worth more. A mirror that shows how others can see us too. Not just mum, not just a married woman. But one that is badly treated and is still worthy of attention, care and love.

How much and how often does your H drink at home (that you know about)?
How often does he back out of things with the kids?

Your husband needs help because although you love him he loves alcohol more and you've now seen that a nice guy can give you feelings.
You and your children deserve more and deep down you know this x

I'd message him back. He sounds nice. As he's in another country it's unlikely to lead to anything much other than a friendship.

Your marriage to a functioning alcoholic sounds sad and empty.

Yes, this. Best wishes, OP.

I feel really really sorry for both you and your children. you booked a lovely expensive holiday and basically your H checked out for 2 weeks from all of you. No wonder you responded as you have done to someone who was kind and noticed both you and the children. Your H isnt a lovely man. Lovely men dont do this. One or two nights maybe in 14 but not all the time. what do you think your kids will remember about this holiday? I guarantee you that they will remember that there dad was absent and that is really sad. Personally this would be a deal breaker for me. he is selfish and an alcoholic and I guarantee he isnt only drinking heavily when on holiday. time for a talk about expectations and whether or not this relationship continues because its just not fair on either you or the children.

The reason you are feeling like this is because you are so used to your haha being a Dick that you are kind of immune to it. You may love him but he doesn't love you or your children. But this stranger, he saw a sadness in you because you and your children are not having your needs met. And he stepped up a little bit to give you some support and help. And now you are clinging to that. Your "DH" is a vacuum, taking liberties and leaving you and your children on the lowest rung for having your needs met, while your DH is at the very top, prioritising himself. And this man's actions have shown you a little tiny snippet of what you are missing. A total stranger prioritised you and your children when their own father couldn't be arsed to put his drink down at 11am. And he didn't do it just once, but repeatedly.

I agree that this is totally how affairs start. Happy well balanced relationships are very rarely affected by affairs, by default they are healthy partnerships. But when the balance is off is easy to sell what you are missing elsewhere. In your shoes, I would say your marriage is over. He is not going to change. I would expect 100% T total for me to even try, but I very much doubt he could do that. So get rid. Start again and find a person that would do this for you all the time, and make a stronger team.

I also know a few people that have very successful relationships where they met on holiday/were reps/animation etc. so I also wouldn't discount the man.... but he is also likely to be messaging multiple women.

I think when you are being treated badly in a relationship, it's very easy to connect to someone who is treating you well,youre only human and he was giving you emotionally what your are desperately craving from your husband.

I'm sorry OP but your husband has a drink problem and after essentially putting alcohol before you and your kids you need to put your foot down. He's promised to do better over and over again but has he actually?

He could be the most amazing person in the world outside of this but this is still a massive issue.

You are saying there are issues in the marriage that you need to address but is he actually addressing the same? A marriage will only work if you are both committed to the work. You could spend the next 2 years going round in circles with you trying everything and him putting in effort for a few days and then reverting to his old ways.

You should stop talking to this man yes, but ultimately your husband needs to stop drinking and if he doesn't then honestly it should be game over.

You are married to an alcoholic and the entertainer guy saw that all too clearly so decided to cheer both you and the kids up. All your words are those that a spouse writes about their alcoholic and like so many posts of this type it’s mainly about the alcoholic.

Talking to him about his drinking is about as effective as peeing in the ocean do so not bother. Save your own self and your kids from this current life you have with your drunk because it’s no life at all.

Does his drinking affect you at home?

I just wanted to say that I’ve been married to an alcoholic for 17 years, been together 27.

he sounds very much like your husband.

I begged and begged for him to stop drinking on so many occasions. His family are big drinkers, mine are not. He’s a lovely man and very sociable. He can’t say no to a drink.

our stories are so similar.

anyway, he drank when I was pregnant, he almost missed the birth of one of his children because of drinking, he fell off bar stools, was mugged several times, fell asleep on the last train, fell down ditches, fell down stairs, blacked out many many times.

he promised to stop atleast 10 times and managed short sober periods multiple times.

about 8 months ago, he blacked out in the garden and my 10yo had to put him in the recovery position.

I videoed it and showed him the next day.

He’s not been drunk since. He didn’t touch alcohol for over 6m and has had 2 alcoholic drinks since Nov.

I am a completely different person. The stress has lifted from our household. I no longer live in fear of the drinking and he is happier, healthier and full of life. He has a new job and we are a happy family again.

I just wanted to give you hope that things can change but that the change must come from the drinker.

you can’t love someone sober.

I would recommend taking photos and videos of him when he’s wasted. My husband couldn’t remember anything and thought I was massively exaggerating or making stuff up.

seeing my 10yo trying to carry him into the house gave his head a massive wobble and changed everything.

Good luck!

Your husband is an alcoholic OP, so there’s no “working on my marriage” until he addresses that.

Liking a drink is one thing, being unable to control your drinking is an alcoholic.

Regarding the Greek guy, I don’t see a massive issue in staying friends if there has been no lines crossed and no flirting etc. I mean you’ll never see him again and he has access to a stream of women - he doesn’t really need to pursue a romantic connection that can only ever go as far as messages does he? However, messaging several times, every day is a lot, it seems to have strayed out of general friendly zone so realistically you do need to nip it in the bud.

Sometimes people come into our lives when we need them, it doesn’t mean they are going to be a permanent fixture, he was very kind to you and has done you a massive favour in showing you just how big this problem with your husband is.
Take a natural step back from
messaging and communication with this guy and perhaps look into Al anon as others have said. The drinking won’t resolve itself, your husband is going to need to admit the issue and get help - and if he won’t, then you’ll have to seriously consider next steps

Simplyreadhed - what brilliant advice. videoing someone when they are drunk to show them what they are like and what others have to deal with may work for others too. and you cant love someone sober, that is so very true.

You do realise he has a massive drink problem, right?
It is not even remotely "normal" to spend every day - family holiday or any day - drinking to oblivion.

The fact you call this "liking a drink" suggests you need someone to point out that this is hugely damaging behaviour, and needs to be addressed asap.

You have my sympathy, his behaviour is vile. Forget the other guy - this is the issue. Your poor kids as well, I'd be livid at anyone who treated then as your DH does.

Your husband may have a stressful job, as so lots of people, but he is using alcohol as a crutch.

Of course you felt emotional when someone else was kind to you and your children while their dad starts drinking at 11am and is falling asleep at 7pm - how sad for them that this is how they will remember their family holidays. You were essentially a single parent on this holiday. I'm sure you know by know his promise that it won't happen again is meaningless as he has already made, and broken, such a promise. This is what you have to look forward to when you go on holiday again.

I'm sure your husband is a lovely man in many ways however he is neither a great husband nor a great dad while he is so dependant on alcohol.

I think he is just being nice and because you're feeling a bit vulnerable you are having a holiday crush on him.

I would not be with your DH if he lacks so much respect for his family on a family holiday.

Everyone has a bender every now and again but he ruined a precious family time consistently

OP, you sound so lovely and I can well imagine the comfort of a bit of help and kindness while away.

There are no words to describe how appallingly your husband has behaved again.

He's a functioning alcoholic and that comes far ahead of you and your children.

Do not for one second think that these memories will stay with your children and will become crystal clear as they grow.

Their father's primary relationship is with alcohol.

No matter what he will always find the other heavy drinker at a party, wedding, funeral and holiday.

Alcohol will be the 5th member of your family and your children will know this.

Let this contact go with the kind holiday rep and start focusing on your husbands drinking ruined another holiday.

I certainly would never expose your children to this again.

Look for family support for alcoholism and give some thought to the future you want.

He is well on his way to significant health problems if he continues.

Your H is making just enough of the right noises to make you be quiet, same as he did when on holiday. He's not going to change, he had the opportunity every damn day on holiday to change.

The guy at the travel company sounds lovely but you're projecting onto him what your husband should be.

You know full well that you need to delete and block the travel company guy for your own good, and focus on the real problem: your husband and his alcohol problem.

Not that you can fix his alcohol problem - only he can. All you can do is decide what you will do about the fact that your husband does have an alcohol problem, and a stranger was a better husband and father to you and your children for 2 weeks on holiday when it should have been him, but he prioritised alcohol over his wife and children every damn day.

You know your husband's promises not to drink are absolutely meaningless. Talk to him about getting treatment or joining AA.

I’d be booking a last minute deal out to the same place again, before schools go back, see if he can help wrangle a last minute thing. Take the kids, shag him senseless, have some fun, for a week, come back and ask your alcoholic husband and shit father to move out. He sounds awful. I would tell him the instigator was him missing the entire family holiday because he was pissed and the holiday rep guy asking if you were ok and treating you like some battered wife.

I think this.

BUT… now is the time to allow it to go to dots.

you don’t need to reply to all messages or immediately so delay replying longer and longer and phase it out.

in the meantime you might like to look at Al Anon

And it would be so obvious to everyone that he’s got a massive drink problem and that your holiday would have been utterly shit

do something now before your kids remember this shit

Your husband needs to permanently stop drinking and from what you say he will need proper treatment to do so rather than just trying to go cold turkey himself.

If he does not stop drinking then he needs to leave. You cannot let your children grow up and think this kind of behaviour is normal or ok.

Holiday guy sounds nice and concerned for you and your kids. He gave you a good holiday but it is time to leave him there. He is only a distraction from your problem with your DH.

oh my goodness, I am just reading all of these replies and I’m so overwhelmed by you all finding time to reply and give advice - thank you so much. It means so much to me to have a place where I could write this down and get it out of my head but to have others help is so kind, I am so grateful.

I have realised that so many replies are correct, it’s not about this particular man, it’s about what’s lacking in my own life and that it could have been anyone showing me kindness, I just got a rare glimpse at what it’s like to have someone supporting me a bit.
My husband certainly uses alcohol to self medicate, I feel sorry for him because it started 4 years ago on his 37th birthday when his dad committed suicide, for it to happen on his birthday it was just so traumatising and I was pregnant at the time about to have our second child and it was just a terrible time. I thought he had worked through his feelings but now I feel he is going down a similar path to his dad (depression eased with alcohol) I always think these holidays will be a breath of fresh air for him and a chance for him to unwind but he takes it to the extreme and I work 3 days a week too in a very intense, emotional role so I also need the break - which I actually feel like I had this time due to the man from the hotel which is why I think so much of him and don’t want to let him go I think.

My husband needs help and maybe even some therapy, I am going to sit down with him tonight and make a huge plan and tell him that he has to do this or he will lose his family, no ifs or buts, stop drinking straight away and get help straight away.

I will treat the other person as nothing more than a holiday friend.

thank you all again, I’ve been in tears reading these I am beyond grateful.