Strange situation on family holiday :(

[LittleStar1985]

Hello, I wasn’t sure where to post this so hopefully it’s ok here. It’s a bit long, I apologise.

I have just returned from a family holiday to Greece with my husband and 2 young children. The holiday was an all inclusive and we were all so excited. I was slightly apprehensive as my husband likes a drink and on our previous all -inclusive he went a bit crazy with the free cocktails and had to keep going to bed at 8pm but he said he’d be better this time etc so anyway we went on holiday for 14 days and first few days all fine but then another English family arrived and my husband made friends with the dad who had brought a load of expensive whisky at the duty free so he invited my husband up to their room to taste some of this lush whisky and that’s kind of where it started, he was gone for 2 hours and was so drunk when he came back and then the rest of the holiday was a bit similar, he would start on the cocktails and tequilas at 11am and then then by 7pm he was falling asleep and so I had to take the kids to the evening entertainment on my own. I voiced my objections a number of times and he said he’d be better the next day but he never was so I just gave up.

So anyway, on day 7 or 8 of our holiday, I was sat watching the kids by the pool, my husband was in the room still sleeping at 1pm and one of the entertainment staff came up to me and said ‘would your husband like to play volleyball’ - you know the classic entertainment stuff and I said I’m sorry he is sick today in the room not sure he will be out just yet etc etc blah blah and the guy asked if he needs him to get the hotel doctor and I said no it’s fine, just a few too many tequilas but he’ll be fine and then he looked at me so kindly and asked if I wanted to move sunbeds nearer to the entertainment because then he said he and his team can entertain my kids and I can relax a bit, well with this I burst into tears, I was mortified at doing it but I couldn’t help it.
From that point on, this entertainment guy made it his mission to give my kids and I a brilliant holiday, he got us up and playing in the pool, he watched the kids whilst I went to the toilet or to get them drinks, he gave them pool toys and he made sure he chatted to me throughout the day. He was my age (35) and we had a few things in common here and there. I added him on Instagram as he asked permission to put a picture of my kids winning a trophy on the hotel Insta page and I said yes then he said he will add me too. Anyway, just a lovely man who never overstepped the line, didn’t talk about personal things, didn’t flirt at all etc and introduced himself to my husband and was so polite and discreet. On the day we left, he came to say goodbye to us all and literally out of nowhere I had this wave of utter sadness, I had to stop myself from getting teary and we said goodbye, he gave T-shirts to my kids, shook my hand and said we will keep in touch etc and hopefully we can come back one day.

A few days after returning home, he messaged me on Insta to ask if all was ok, did we get home ok and hoped we had a great holiday etc and I thought ‘I should just ignore this’ but classic me, I replied and now we are chatting quite a bit maybe 2 or 3 messages a day just random things or he will send me a funny meme etc but I feel like I can’t stop thinking about how lovely he was and how much he saved my holiday, the kids loved him and all the others- and I didn’t miss my husband once when he was off drinking it up in the room during the day and that is sad isn’t it because I love my husband so much.

i know that my marriage has some issues that need sorting and I should provably just ignore the messages of this dude but I can’t bring myself to do it. I know that lots of these foreign holiday types can just latch onto tourists with another agenda but I am
not naive and there is no sense of that here. He hasn’t said anything close to romantic or overly personal, just genuine kindness and interest in us.
I don’t suppose anyone else has ever been in a situation like this? I don’t know if I should just delete this person and move on…. I mean move on from what exactly!?? Arghhh. Confused as hell.

@DancingFerret that does not mean he is a full blown alcoholic (in my opinion/experience). I come from a family that ‘likes a drink’. Yours and my lived experiences and opinions can differ and that’s surely ok/doesn’t mean I’m wrong and you’re right or vice versa.

My point was, in my opinion, there is no reason to think OP can’t improve the situation for her family by sitting her husband down and having a serious talk with him/implementing boundaries along the lines of what she has updated. It sounds like he knows he has a problem and probably that he needs to address his grief/MH too. It also sounds (subjectively, to me) like she has probably been very forgiving up until now.

I don’t have any strong feelings either way about continuing contact with the other guy.
I think your last post about sorting things out with your DH is sensible, he is not a good husband or father, your kids will see that and he will be teaching them that’s how you act as a father and to your partner.

i'm with some of the other PPs, in that i suspect the holiday rep's motives aren't entirely pure.

and because of that, it's probably best to phase out the chat with him.

however, that's not to say you've done anything wrong.

but you do need to have some very honest conversations with your DH about his relationship with alcohol.

Her husband deserves this to be honest. The op has done nothing wrong. She doesn't need to work on her marriage. Her dh needs to stop drinking and treat his wife better.

you seem to be feeling very sad and confused about your husband’s behaviour

Personally - I don’t see the problem with messaging someone who’s shown care and friendship towards you, as long as you’re careful about the tone. People support people when they’re going through a hard time. If they didn’t- life would be pretty grim

There's coming from a family that likes a drink and there's this.

If you did have a next holiday, assuming that your DH does take steps to quit drinking, I think it would be a disaster to book AI.

Ah, OP. You are a nice woman. Pool Guy is a nice man. Anything could be prompting his behaviour - maybe he's religious or humanitarian and just wants to help a fellow human being, maybe he grew up in a family with a neglectful father, perhaps he really likes you, maybe he's playing the long game to get his leg-over. The latter doesn't seem likely as you're now home and unavailable. So, maybe he is that nice person, for whatever reason.

Making him your Harry Styles (have you read that thread? 😁) won't help. He isn't around to be your knight in shining armour. Get a counsellor/therapist and talk, talk, talk about what you want from your marriage and/or your life and how you're going to get it, how you're going to know it when you see it. Do not take couple's counselling - your husband has already shown his lack of investment in your relationship and in family life. Alcohol is more important. Yes, as someone suggested, see the support group for the families of alcoholics.

Practically, when your mind drifts to Pool Guy, switch it back to yourself. Any feelings for him, return them to yourself. Every time. Love yourself. That is productive. You'll end up stronger and less confused.

It's not bad to message someone you're never going to see again, just keep it in the boundaries of friendship. He sounds lovely.

But please stop minimising your DH's drinking. Your kids are taking this on board and accepting it for normal and it isn't. How dare he spend their holiday pissed and sleeping. Where was your break? It speaks volumes that this guy noticed and not your so called life partner.

Please protect your DC from the impact of a binge drinking Dad.

Draw a line under it. Think about it this way: this hotel employee was a very kind and compassionate employee who was doing his job. He enjoyed doing his job and clearly got a lot of satisfaction from it. He helped a fellow human being at a time when she needed help.

And that is all.

Think about it as if he were a nurse or a doctor or a hairdresser - someone whose job is to care for others and use their skills to help them. Health care professionals generally enjoy healing people; hairdressers generally enjoy making people look beautiful.

Separate out the hotel employee’s actions from your views and feelings about your DH.

And get to Al Anon. It’s an organisation set up for friends and families of alcoholic. It supports YOU and helps you detach from the alcoholic behaviour.

This.

Your husband isn't lovely, he's awful. Your poor kids.

Don't delete your new friend! You wouldn't do that if he was a woman would you?

Do you want to stay with your husband? He doesn't sound great.

Cross posted with your post about his dad. That's awful, he does need therapy.

In future no more all inclusive holidays, they're too much temptation.

Yes we have spoken about it since being home and he apologised and said it won’t ever happen again but I’m a bit dubious if I’m honest.

Because that's what he said the last time! I am not one of those MN posters who think if you have more than one drink you have an alcohol problem but seriously, getting smashed in the morning on tequila and cocktails is SO far from normal behaviour. You need to address this OP as he will not change without help- it's going to take more than him thinking he won't do it again. And yes, your kids will remember a holiday with mum and the kind man from the entertainment crew, while dad was sleeping off yet another boozing session.

My previous comment was not realising the guy was foreign. I mistakenly thought he was a British holiday rep.

No, if he's Greek, it's unlikely to be genuine and he is seeing a woman who may be able to help him come to the U.K. in the future.

I think that what you should take out of this situation is that you and the kids can have an awesome holiday without their dad around.

You went in the pool, had a lovely time, took them to the evening ents, chatted to other people, genuinely enjoyed yourself. That wasn’t down to this other guy- he just made you recognise that it was possible. How much better would it have been without sadness about your husband’s behaviour?

Next year take them away on your own.

A family member of mine is like this when they go AI. I have been with them a couple of times they just think that's what they've paid for it's on tap so they're having it. They would say they're going to get a drink before we go back to our room. Ask us what we wanted we would say just water. They would return with vodka and lemonade. We no longer go AI when going with them.

Its not him, he's just shown you what is missing. Thank him, then block him. Work on where your marriage is going and sort that out.

Pleased you ended up having a good holiday and know that there are good people out there.

I've been the holiday worker - if you see people having a shit holiday you want them to have a nice time. Especially if you can see they have a layabout partner who is leaving them to it and not treating them well, which I'm afraid IS the case with your husband. He was entirely relying on you to be the responsible adult - imagine if you had taken the same approach to the holiday as he did, where would the kids have been then? When you have tourists you're hosting it's a short but intense friendship sometimes and occasionally it is hard to say goodbye. As you have rightly realised, that doesn't mean there's more to it. I would certainly cut or minimise contact so this is no longer messing with your head.

On the other hand I've also been the person who met a caring hotel worker (actually he turned out to be a bit of a douche but was kind on the day I needed it) and it opened my eyes to how crap my current partner was. Nothing happened with the hotel guy and I wouldn't have wanted it to at all, but it was immediately clear that it was so refreshing and attractive having someone ask about my work day, make me laugh, reassure me about something I was worrying about. I broke up with my partner a few weeks later.

When a stranger is offering you more basic kindness and consideration than your partner, that is obviously going to give you serious pause for thought. Your eyes are open now and your husband has one chance to be a decent partner or it's over.

The thing is, even when we're in committed relationships, we're still humans and capable of having connections with other humans. I'm not trying to be hippy dippy here, and I'm not equating this with actually cheating, but OP, you haven't done anything wrong in feeling appreciative, cared for by and fond of this man. You're quite right to think carefully about where your feelings might lead to eventually and what you want to do about them, but don't beat yourself up for having felt a connection with someone. You haven't cheated, you just met someone who looked out for you, and especially with you feeling so alone and crap, it meant a lot to you. That's fine. You're ok.

Your update says it all. I’m glad you realise that he’s a struggling alcoholic and that you’ve reached a crossroads in your relationship.

Hopefully, your husband will listen to you and acknowledge that he has a problem with alcohol that is already affecting family life and seek professional treatment.

Obviously, now you’ve seen how it’s affecting the children too, you can’t afford to keep giving him second chances. They only get ONE childhood.

Seek support from Al Anon (for families of alcoholics) and Good luck!

Didn't you read the OP?

I don't think nice men message married women they have met at work just to check up on them.

The meat of the issue is in the updates—the DH’s father was an alcoholic who committed suicide on dh’s birthday and the serious slide into addiction started then (4 years ago). The pool boy is neither here nor there. OZp’s husband is recapitulating his father’s life and needs treatment and support so he avoids his father’s death. This is an all hands on deck moment. OP can’t just wait to see how this plays out. It ends in misery.

The holiday rep was kind and stepped in to help you enjoy your holiday when he saw what your husband was like
Your husband clearly prioritised alcohol over you and the DC, which is not acceptable
I would thank the rep for making your holiday a lovely time for your DC and say goodbye
Your DH will do this again, even progress to drinking at home
Personally I'd find it impossible to stay It will affect you and DC
You can't make him get help until he sees a reason to change
I wouldn't wait around to see if he does