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Original poster

Fiancé no longer wants marriage.

162 replies

Avg101 · 02/08/2023 13:38

New to mumsnet but in need of some advice.
Me and my fiancé have been together for 11 years, engaged for 7 years and have 2 children and a house. I'm getting tired of not having any wedding plans so I found the perfect venue the other day, put kids to bed last night and told him all about it only to be told he doesn't want to make plans yet. To which I said its been 7 years, let's just book the venue for 2026 as that gives us enough time to save and do things slowly, but he said he we don't need to be married. Before having children he knew that what I wanted from the relationship was marriage which he said its what he wanted at the time which is why he proposed but doesn't feel like it's needed now. I can't even explain all the emotions I'm feeling, a wedding is a big thing to me, I've wanted it since I was little - I would of never chose to have children with someone who didn't want marriage. I just don't know what to do, because yes I love him but I can't help but feel like he's made this decision on his own. I've waited and waited and in that time all my grandparents have passed away - which I know isn't his fault. I've compromised this whole relationship, putting my career on hold to take care of children (which I wouldn't change for the world). I agreed on only having 2 children when I've always wanted 3. And now this. I love him and would want to be with him forever but I'm 29 not getting any younger and I want the lovely wedding, it's something I have always dreamed about. He said he still wants to be engaged and for me to wear the ring but I just think that's not fair at all when he doesn't want the full commitment. Am I being unreasonable in being this upset??

OP posts:
SunRainStorm · 02/08/2023 13:41

I'd be furious.

He's sold you a lemon.

He's had everything his own way.

You gave up work to raise children- with none of the protection that marriage offers. And he refuses to give that to you.

I'd be considering leaving TBH. I'd find it hard to feel loved or respected by a man who would do this to me.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/08/2023 13:42

I would also make plans to leave this man, a man who never intended to marry you. He strung you along this whole time.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/08/2023 13:43

Where to begin? You're not unreasonable to be upset, but you also chose to have two children with a man before marriage when getting married was apparently so important to you. What motivation does a man like your partner have for getting married when he already has everything he wants? With no financial commitment to you, I might add. How convenient for him.

This man will never marry you, so you need to either accept it or leave him. Those are your only two choices.

OhComeOnFFS · 02/08/2023 13:43

I agree with the others. This man has strung you along. It's appalling.

QuintessentiallyScottish · 02/08/2023 13:46

He said he still wants to be engaged and for me to wear the ring

To show that you belong to him by any chance?

It's time to start making decisions for yourself @Avg101 Flowers

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/08/2023 13:46

I presume your children have his surname rather than your own. If this is so that is more power in this relationship you all too readily gave him.

SayNoToDoorToDoor · 02/08/2023 13:47

Oh dear you’re in a precarious position. Is the house in both names or just his? Does money come into a joint account or does he transfer money for bills. YANBU for being upset.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 02/08/2023 13:47

You leave him. Me and DP aren't married. We agreed very early in the relationship that it wasn't for us, and it's worked for us for 16 years.

Your situation is not the same, he's lied to you and strung you along since the beginning. So you tell him that either you marry now or your ending the relationship. Don't let him take you for a fool any longer.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/08/2023 13:48

OhComeOnFFS · 02/08/2023 13:43

I agree with the others. This man has strung you along. It's appalling.

Good grief, you respond as though op has no agency over her own life. Her partner has been stringing her along, but she chose to go along with it. No one forced her to have children with this man before they were married. She gambled and it didn't turn out the way she hoped.

ZekeZeke · 02/08/2023 13:48

Do you work?
Do you own your own home? Mortgage in joint names?
Pension?
If no thr the above you are in a very precarious financial situation.

UnsungShero · 02/08/2023 13:49

You’ve allowed this man to make a complete fool of you, and you’ve put yourself into a stupidly vulnerable position.

I’d leave.

Floppyelf · 02/08/2023 13:50

UnsungShero · 02/08/2023 13:49

You’ve allowed this man to make a complete fool of you, and you’ve put yourself into a stupidly vulnerable position.

I’d leave.

This

Creepyrosemary · 02/08/2023 13:51

I couldn't get over the deceit, but in the end this is your choice: either accept it or move on.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 02/08/2023 13:52

Withdraw his (non) conjugal rights.

I believe that wives cook much better than fiancés, as well.

Measureformeasure · 02/08/2023 13:54

Honestly I'd take the ring off and tell him you no longer consider yourself to be "engaged" as it means nothing if you are not getting married.

Next, I'd be getting legal advice. You need to get everything nailed down if you want to stay in this relationship and he needs to be involved in giving you some financial security. Your name need to be on the deeds (as tenants in common), you need Wills and Lasting Powers of Attorney and maybe even a co-habitation agreement. All these documents are needed if you don't get married, to protect you and you financial security. It may focus his mind a little and show him that you are not a fool he is taking you for. If he says no then he is telling you he knows full well that you are extremely vulnerable and he does not care. There may not be a "point" to marriage for him but aside for the romantic side there really is a point for you.

Market1 · 02/08/2023 13:54

I don't understand. Do you want wedding or a marriage?

trulyunruly01 · 02/08/2023 13:55

As much as it will pain you, I think you have to begin seeing yourself as a separate entity. The first thing I'd be doing would be resuming a career - financial independence is key for an unmarried woman with children. Your own income, your own bank, your own savings. You pay your share of the housekeeping into a joint account and so does he.
Then I'd be looking at the house - are you joint tenants? That means he would automatically inherit your half if you died and then your children's inheritance is at the whim of his future will (which may involve future children, wife etc). I'd be changing that to tenants in common.
Then I'd have my own Will which left my half of the house directly to my children.
He may be a good father, he may be a great lover - but he's not a provider so you have to be ready and able to provide for yourself.
You may find that the above actions provoke a sudden change in him and he suddenly wants marriage - well, you can judge then if it's for the right reasons or whether it's time to strike out on your own.

ArcticSkewer · 02/08/2023 13:55

You are only 29. Time to start over.

Imagine you are 50. Savings are in his name. Yes, house is joint. You worked part time for 30 years, or not at all, and didn't have enough for additional pension payments. He worked full time throughout.

You split up. Probably because he is 50 and meets someone a bit younger. Nice.

What do you get? Half a house. You can't vet a mortgage to buy him out so you spend it on rent instead. No decent pension. No savings.

He gets the house (the bank would lend to him). His savings - you can't claim them and after all, he earned the money so he could save. His pension.

Never mind 'the lovely wedding '. You lost a lot more by staying for the next 20 years.

Sparklfairy · 02/08/2023 13:56

He's not going to marry you, why would he? He got everything he wanted, with no commitment from his end. He said it himself, 'we don't need to be married'.

You've pitched it in your OP like it was a dealbreaker, but you didn't make a deal. You handed over everything HE wanted based on a pipe dream he promised and has now reneged on, because now he has all the leverage.

MintJulia · 02/08/2023 13:57

What, you wear his ring and 'belong to him' until he finds someone better !!

So he has lied and strung you along for years. Where is your self respect?

Tell him that doesn't work for you and is not what you want. Take his ring off and lock it away. Move into the spare room if you have one. Stop washing his clothes. Go back to work full time.

Return the favour and stop showing him any respect.

AgathaMillersGoneMissing · 02/08/2023 13:58

I'd ask him to get married in a civil ceremony to give you the security of a commitment and have a proper wedding later. If he can't do that, you need to sort your financial position sharpish.

What's your financial situation like? Do you rent or own your home, are you on the deeds?

trulyunruly01 · 02/08/2023 13:59

Flog the ring and use the proceeds to start your own savings account! He's telling you the ring meant nothing, only a few £. Make it work for you.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 02/08/2023 14:00

I’d leave him and keep the ring. He’s future faked you.

Original poster
Avg101 · 02/08/2023 14:05

We have a joint mortgage together. Also I work 2 days a week but can go full time if I was ever needing to. We have life insurance together. We don't have a joint bank account as he does pay for all bills and I pay for anything the children or I need/want. It's something that has always worked for us.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 02/08/2023 14:05

He might not “need” to be married but if you are financially dependent on him at all you do.
Its a legal contract that can help protect people who are in a weaker financial position for child rearing reasons or similar. It’s not a dress and a lovely party