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Original poster

Fiancé no longer wants marriage.

162 replies

Avg101 · 02/08/2023 13:38

New to mumsnet but in need of some advice.
Me and my fiancé have been together for 11 years, engaged for 7 years and have 2 children and a house. I'm getting tired of not having any wedding plans so I found the perfect venue the other day, put kids to bed last night and told him all about it only to be told he doesn't want to make plans yet. To which I said its been 7 years, let's just book the venue for 2026 as that gives us enough time to save and do things slowly, but he said he we don't need to be married. Before having children he knew that what I wanted from the relationship was marriage which he said its what he wanted at the time which is why he proposed but doesn't feel like it's needed now. I can't even explain all the emotions I'm feeling, a wedding is a big thing to me, I've wanted it since I was little - I would of never chose to have children with someone who didn't want marriage. I just don't know what to do, because yes I love him but I can't help but feel like he's made this decision on his own. I've waited and waited and in that time all my grandparents have passed away - which I know isn't his fault. I've compromised this whole relationship, putting my career on hold to take care of children (which I wouldn't change for the world). I agreed on only having 2 children when I've always wanted 3. And now this. I love him and would want to be with him forever but I'm 29 not getting any younger and I want the lovely wedding, it's something I have always dreamed about. He said he still wants to be engaged and for me to wear the ring but I just think that's not fair at all when he doesn't want the full commitment. Am I being unreasonable in being this upset??

OP posts:
AndyMcFlurry · 02/08/2023 18:57

Avg101 · 02/08/2023 14:05

We have a joint mortgage together. Also I work 2 days a week but can go full time if I was ever needing to. We have life insurance together. We don't have a joint bank account as he does pay for all bills and I pay for anything the children or I need/want. It's something that has always worked for us.

Well it’s not working for you now.

Go back full time and get him to share all the housework and childcare.

Set up a joint account to pay for all joint bills. Stop right now letting him pay house bills ( towards an asset that increases in value ) while you pay for revenue costs ( the kids etc ).

Pay A LOT into your pension to make up for the time you have taken off on family / maternity leave / working part time.

SadieOlsen · 02/08/2023 18:59

CurlewKate · 02/08/2023 18:40

@Dacadactyl "
No sex, no cooking, no cleaning, no nothing. If he wants the perks of being married, he needs to shape up."
The 1959s called-you need to get back and start cooking.....

Regarding your sarky comment at the end about 1950s women - you have no fucking idea. No woman in the 1950s (60s or 70s for that matter) would have moved in with a man, acted like his wife and borne his children on a meaningless extended "engagement". Women then knew that men do what they can get away with and women also had the self-respect not to be treated like utter shit.

OhcantthInkofaname · 02/08/2023 19:01

Avg101 · 02/08/2023 13:38

New to mumsnet but in need of some advice.
Me and my fiancé have been together for 11 years, engaged for 7 years and have 2 children and a house. I'm getting tired of not having any wedding plans so I found the perfect venue the other day, put kids to bed last night and told him all about it only to be told he doesn't want to make plans yet. To which I said its been 7 years, let's just book the venue for 2026 as that gives us enough time to save and do things slowly, but he said he we don't need to be married. Before having children he knew that what I wanted from the relationship was marriage which he said its what he wanted at the time which is why he proposed but doesn't feel like it's needed now. I can't even explain all the emotions I'm feeling, a wedding is a big thing to me, I've wanted it since I was little - I would of never chose to have children with someone who didn't want marriage. I just don't know what to do, because yes I love him but I can't help but feel like he's made this decision on his own. I've waited and waited and in that time all my grandparents have passed away - which I know isn't his fault. I've compromised this whole relationship, putting my career on hold to take care of children (which I wouldn't change for the world). I agreed on only having 2 children when I've always wanted 3. And now this. I love him and would want to be with him forever but I'm 29 not getting any younger and I want the lovely wedding, it's something I have always dreamed about. He said he still wants to be engaged and for me to wear the ring but I just think that's not fair at all when he doesn't want the full commitment. Am I being unreasonable in being this upset??

My advice is to tell people that you are no longer engaged. Engagement means in preparation of marriage. Take off the ring.

ihadamarveloustime · 02/08/2023 19:03

I hope you're making plans to leave him. He's lied to you about something fundamental in your relationship, something that provides you with legal protections and rights. All especially important as you've been a SAHM for a significant period of time in your relationship.

Get legal advice. Figure out what you'll be entitled to if you go it alone. And make copies of everything.

CurlewKate · 02/08/2023 19:21

@SadieOlsen You miss my point. Those are not the "duties of a wife". You think if they were married those duties should rightfully fall to her, and she should go on "wife strike" until he "makes an honest woman of her"? The point here is that he made a commitment to her and is reneging on that commitment. It's nothing to do with cooking and cleaning. It's about honesty and wanting to do what makes her happy.

andHelenknowsimmiserablenow · 02/08/2023 19:21

Thats awful of him, OP.
Make plans to go full time, ensure all mortgage, childcare and utility bills are paid out of the same account, and your 50 percent contribution exactly is paid into that account. Save as much as what is left over and pay any missing state pension contributions as soon as you can.
Start taking DC out on your own at weekends and on holiday.
When he asks you what is going on, just give him the engagement ring back.

SpainToday · 02/08/2023 19:38

I agree with the poster who suggested you take off your engagement ring.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 02/08/2023 19:39

Ah OP i am sorry, sadly this is a very familiar story on MN. PP have given lots of good advice about what you need to do to safeguard you and the DC.You have to decide whether this is a deal breaker for you or not.

he’s not the honest person you thought he was & I think that will always nag away at you

also sod just taking the ring off - I’d sell it and use it to start a “just in case I need to leave” fund

SunflowerTed · 02/08/2023 19:53

Market1 · 02/08/2023 13:54

I don't understand. Do you want wedding or a marriage?

That was my thought too

MrsMarzetti · 02/08/2023 19:58

He doesn't need to get married, he already has what he wants, children, house and a partner. Time for you to decide what you want to do now.

supercali77 · 02/08/2023 20:07

@C1N1C 'A bit of paper'. It's a legal document which entitles the OP to half of all assets should the relationship fall apart.

nobodysdaughternow · 02/08/2023 20:18

I think you can't afford to trust him op.

Are you it's a joint mortgage - have you seen the paperwork? Likewise the deeds of the house.

He pays the mortgage from his sole account. That raises all sorts of alarm bells. If you split up now you have absolutely no evidence that you have contributed to the house financially.

User0224 · 02/08/2023 20:29

Spanky123 · 02/08/2023 17:49

40% of marriages end in divorce, im sorry to say that's the reality today. Who would want that as an ending?

You say that like those 40% of people have failed. They’ve still benefitted from the legal protections of a marital contract. I’d rather be married and divorced 5 times then made broke by not protecting myself.

Rainbowqueeen · 02/08/2023 20:39

I’m so sorry OP. it must be devastating to know that he has lied to you and is taking advantage of you to get what he wants while denying you what you want

What an awful man he is. He knows exactly what he is doing too.

please take the advice to change your circumstances. If you don’t want to leave him now you do need to behave as if you were single because legally that’s what you are. Increase your work hours and change how finances are arranged so your income is going towards the mortgage, you have savings and are paying into a pension. He can take over buying for the DC and all the mental load that goes with that. You can improve your credit rating by paying towards bills. Otherwise if you split it will be harder for you to get a rental or a mortgage.

StopStartStop · 02/08/2023 20:41

OP, he's had everything he wants from you. You gave it away for free, along with eleven years of your life. I'm sorry. Still, you've gained valuable life experience. Now extricate yourself (and your children) from this situation. At 29 you have time to restart your life and value yourself more highly. Get back to work full time and start making a secure future for you and your children.

No woman in the 1950s (60s or 70s for that matter) would have moved in with a man, acted like his wife and borne his children on a meaningless extended "engagement" (thank you @SadieOlsen )
Oh, they would, and did, but they kept it very quiet, probably bought a ring, called themselves 'Mrs'. But you are right, PP, that no woman with options would have done that. A little family support, a little standing in the community, perhaps if you had a job, and you wouldn't take the risk of shame. I don't think all the changes in society have been helpful to women. Thinking that you should embark upon motherhood on the strength of a man's words... risky in the extreme.

monsteramunch · 02/08/2023 20:44

The nerve of him still wanting you to wear the ring 🙄

Engaged means 'engaged to be married'.

He doesn't want to marry you.

So he has called the engagement off.

You need to make that distinction clear by taking the ring off and no longer referring to him as your fiancé, or you're just allowing him to further make a mug of you.

Don't be a mug. I'm sure you're a brilliant mum and a great person. Don't spend your life chasing after some dickhead who sold you a lie and is so arrogant he expects you to wear a ring signifying a commitment he isn't willing to offer you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/08/2023 20:48

Go back to work full-time, stop being his domestic appliance, save up and leave.

He's a liar, who wants you to lie to the world. Take the ring off now. Flog it if it's worth anything.

StrawberryWasp · 02/08/2023 20:48

Oh for the love of God why have young women believed that children with the promise of marriage was a good idea??

Please anyone reading this who wants marriage and children: get married first.

I'm sorry OP that doesn't help you now.

I'd advise take the ring off, you are no longer engaged and decide how you want to live as cohabitees long term with the needs of the children paramount.

Your dream wedding has gone which is sad but your children need to come first now.

greenthumb13 · 02/08/2023 20:50

Seven years engagement??? This guy is a sack of shit. Sorry but he doesn't want to give you any money if he feels like leaving someday. Sorry you have wasted so much of your life on him already. I'd put up an ultimatum and if no wedding in the next few months I'd leave.

CurlewKate · 02/08/2023 20:52

It's also important to remember that you can choose not to be married and put in place legal protections for yourself and your children. Marriage isn't for everyone. Legal protections are.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/08/2023 20:53

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/08/2023 20:48

Go back to work full-time, stop being his domestic appliance, save up and leave.

He's a liar, who wants you to lie to the world. Take the ring off now. Flog it if it's worth anything.

This x1000.

CurlewKate · 02/08/2023 20:53

@greenthumb13 He's a sack of shit-but she should still marry him if the ultimatum works? Right.

hollyblueivy · 02/08/2023 20:55

Op - have the conversation with you husband about when you go on maternity, then what happens with the bills when you're not on full pay. What if you end up with no pay during maternity, then how will the sharing of money work?

What about when you buy all the baby stuff, how will the money be split then?

What about when it's school holidays and holiday club needs to be paid for or you're expected to use your holiday to support childcare?

What about when you go back to work, perhaps part time and your income reduced. Then what happens with the bills?

If he is this tight now - surely this will be worse once you're trapped with a child?

hollyblueivy · 02/08/2023 20:56

Sorry wrong post!!!

Maray1967 · 02/08/2023 20:56

MintJulia · 02/08/2023 13:57

What, you wear his ring and 'belong to him' until he finds someone better !!

So he has lied and strung you along for years. Where is your self respect?

Tell him that doesn't work for you and is not what you want. Take his ring off and lock it away. Move into the spare room if you have one. Stop washing his clothes. Go back to work full time.

Return the favour and stop showing him any respect.

This.
You have put yourself in a difficult position by having DC before marriage. You need to make it clear that this is non negotiable now and be prepared to end it.