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Original poster

Fiancé no longer wants marriage.

162 replies

Avg101 · 02/08/2023 13:38

New to mumsnet but in need of some advice.
Me and my fiancé have been together for 11 years, engaged for 7 years and have 2 children and a house. I'm getting tired of not having any wedding plans so I found the perfect venue the other day, put kids to bed last night and told him all about it only to be told he doesn't want to make plans yet. To which I said its been 7 years, let's just book the venue for 2026 as that gives us enough time to save and do things slowly, but he said he we don't need to be married. Before having children he knew that what I wanted from the relationship was marriage which he said its what he wanted at the time which is why he proposed but doesn't feel like it's needed now. I can't even explain all the emotions I'm feeling, a wedding is a big thing to me, I've wanted it since I was little - I would of never chose to have children with someone who didn't want marriage. I just don't know what to do, because yes I love him but I can't help but feel like he's made this decision on his own. I've waited and waited and in that time all my grandparents have passed away - which I know isn't his fault. I've compromised this whole relationship, putting my career on hold to take care of children (which I wouldn't change for the world). I agreed on only having 2 children when I've always wanted 3. And now this. I love him and would want to be with him forever but I'm 29 not getting any younger and I want the lovely wedding, it's something I have always dreamed about. He said he still wants to be engaged and for me to wear the ring but I just think that's not fair at all when he doesn't want the full commitment. Am I being unreasonable in being this upset??

OP posts:
Sittingonabench · 02/08/2023 17:32

I would take this step by step. He has changed his mind and no longer wants what you want. But withholding something you want and need because he doesn’t think it necessary is a big indicator of how reliable he is. I would take the ring off - he has broken the engagement - there is no longer a promise of marriage. Whether your relationship survives it will take a bit of soul searching on your part but I would start being less available to him and set expectations around him looking after the kids now

Fizzology · 02/08/2023 17:35

OP, your life will change because of his decision not to marry. But his life will change, too. (So will dc's lives.) He will be picking up 50% of household chores and school runs and childcare on mornings, evenings and weekends. He will be paying for childcare during work hours.

You will do less unpaid work and more paid work.

I suspect that your overall workload will decrease somewhat. His will increase. And if it doesn't, if he doesn't do the washing and shopping and picking up from the childminder - what is the point of him?

He is not going to like financially equal, unmarried life. I suspect he may leave the relationship rather than accept the consequences. Just be prepared.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/08/2023 17:40

winelove · 02/08/2023 15:02

You need to go back to work full time.
You need to share the child care cost and children care time.
You need to put as much in your pension as he does.

You are setting yourself up for poverty in later life.
Do you have access to his savings, are are aware of his financials.....
You need to get tough

He has a house keeper, a nanny and someone to shag......

Yep. And he'll trade in for a younger model at some point.

I just don't understand having children without the protection afforded by marriage.

Start maximizing your income ASAP.

Katrinawaves · 02/08/2023 17:41

My DS was in a cohabiting relationship for 15 years before she died. The whole family loved her partner and he was absolutely treated as one of the family. Until she got ill and died without a will. Then the family (not including me) cut him off completely- he was not allowed any involvement in planning her funeral, not mentioned on her headstone, not given any share in her estate or life insurance policies and the expectation was their house should be sold and he hand over half the proceeds to then - fortunately when they bought the house she had a poor credit record so he was the sole owner and had paid all the mortgage payments so he was not left homeless.

The point being, you can trust no one to do the right thing however well you think you know them. If you want the protection of marriage, he either needs to get married or he needs to provide financially for you in the same way as marriage would now, including a power of attorney, a will ans making you executor for medical decisions.

BettyRoodBoy · 02/08/2023 17:43

You've literally spent your entire adult life with him and he doesn't want what you want. You were a teen when you you together - zero judgment, I was too with my dh - but have you experienced adult life as "you"?

You've compromised everything. If this isn't what you want from life, you can change it. Start to value actions not words. Good luck x

WrongNameMummy · 02/08/2023 17:47

He said he still wants to be engaged and for me to wear the ring but I just think that's not fair at all when he doesn't want the full commitment. Am I being unreasonable in being this upset??

would you be able to say “Why the hell would you think I am prepared to give you the engagement, when you won’t give me the marriage, you dozy fuck?”

Not unreasonable for you to be absolutely raging.

Spanky123 · 02/08/2023 17:49

40% of marriages end in divorce, im sorry to say that's the reality today. Who would want that as an ending?

Fizzology · 02/08/2023 18:09

Spanky123 · 02/08/2023 17:49

40% of marriages end in divorce, im sorry to say that's the reality today. Who would want that as an ending?

I think there's a point you've spectacularly missed.

Needmorelego · 02/08/2023 18:12

@Avg101 would he consider a Civil Partnership instead?

Goldencup · 02/08/2023 18:15

Avg101 · 02/08/2023 14:05

We have a joint mortgage together. Also I work 2 days a week but can go full time if I was ever needing to. We have life insurance together. We don't have a joint bank account as he does pay for all bills and I pay for anything the children or I need/want. It's something that has always worked for us.

This isn't working for you. There is no paper trail suggesting you are paying towards the house. It is by no means certain you would get 50% in the event of a split.

Goldencup · 02/08/2023 18:15

Avg101 · 02/08/2023 14:05

We have a joint mortgage together. Also I work 2 days a week but can go full time if I was ever needing to. We have life insurance together. We don't have a joint bank account as he does pay for all bills and I pay for anything the children or I need/want. It's something that has always worked for us.

This isn't working for you. There is no paper trail suggesting you are paying towards the house. It is by no means certain you would get 50% in the event of a split.

TomatoSandwiches · 02/08/2023 18:27

Avg101 · 02/08/2023 14:05

We have a joint mortgage together. Also I work 2 days a week but can go full time if I was ever needing to. We have life insurance together. We don't have a joint bank account as he does pay for all bills and I pay for anything the children or I need/want. It's something that has always worked for us.

Anything that happens in this relationship works for him and him alone.
You need to better your financial and working position, you are not protected as an unmarried mother.

Usedtobecool · 02/08/2023 18:28

My husband never really wanted marriage, but I was always open about the fact that I did. I really wasn't bothered about a wedding preferred registry office with minimal fuss.

We bought a house together on the understanding that we'd one day get married but for a few years after that he was still avoiding the subject. Ended up having a "big talk" I laid out why it was important to me, he agreed that those were valid reasons, and the best he could come up with against marriage was that he didn't think we needed to. We both agreed that sounded a bit feeble and wasn't really a reason not to. We had the low key wedding, 7 years later still happy and I think the only thing he regrets is making a big deal about not wanting to do it.

Have the big talk, do a pro/con list, if he's still adamant he doesn't want to then I would question his motives for leading you on.

Dacadactyl · 02/08/2023 18:30

Stop acting like his wife then.

No sex, no cooking, no cleaning, no nothing. If he wants the perks of being married, he needs to shape up.

Hoppinggreen · 02/08/2023 18:32

Spanky123 · 02/08/2023 17:49

40% of marriages end in divorce, im sorry to say that's the reality today. Who would want that as an ending?

Yes, and when people get divorced there is legal protection for them.
Completely missing the point

80sMum · 02/08/2023 18:37

Aquamarine1029 · 02/08/2023 13:43

Where to begin? You're not unreasonable to be upset, but you also chose to have two children with a man before marriage when getting married was apparently so important to you. What motivation does a man like your partner have for getting married when he already has everything he wants? With no financial commitment to you, I might add. How convenient for him.

This man will never marry you, so you need to either accept it or leave him. Those are your only two choices.

I'm sorry OP, but I think what Aquamarine says is absolutely correct. I'm afraid that the time to have pushed for marriage was before you had children and before you bought a house together.

The two options listed are the reality now, sadly.

MoonLion · 02/08/2023 18:39

I would be upset about this. His proposal was just a lie to keep you happy Sad

CurlewKate · 02/08/2023 18:40

@Dacadactyl "
No sex, no cooking, no cleaning, no nothing. If he wants the perks of being married, he needs to shape up."
The 1959s called-you need to get back and start cooking.....

gamerchick · 02/08/2023 18:46

Well then you have a choice to make. Only you know whether this is a deal breaker or not OP. For the minute though, give him the ring back and take steps to become financially independent. He could drop you in the shit at any time.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/08/2023 18:49

He's got all the perks of marriage without any of the liabilities, so why from his POV would it make sense?

The time to use leverage was before the kids, cohabitation, etc. but that ship has sailed. You need to laser focus on your own livelihood, future and financial security because trust me, it's not on his radar screen.

CurlewKate · 02/08/2023 18:49

@Avg101 I am someone who under no circumstances want to be married. But he agreed and understood how important marriage is to you. So either he comes up with a reason not to you can live with. In which case you stay together but take off the ring and you're no longer engaged. Or you get married. Or you leave him. Those are the stark choices. But you have to have a frank and honest discussion before you come to any decisions. If you decide to stay together unmarried, head straight to a solicitor on your own and make sure your and your children's future is secure. Oh, and whatever you do, don't get pregnant again until you are absolutely sure what happens next.

Dacadactyl · 02/08/2023 18:51

CurlewKate · 02/08/2023 18:40

@Dacadactyl "
No sex, no cooking, no cleaning, no nothing. If he wants the perks of being married, he needs to shape up."
The 1959s called-you need to get back and start cooking.....

I would bet my house that OP is having sex with him, cleaning for him and cooking for him. If he's doing anything like 50/50 I would be staggered and amazed. Perhaps OP can clarify...does he do loads of childcare and help run the household?

If not, I wouldn't be so quick to act like his wife from here on in. Why continue to compromise when he's getting everything his way, without having to compromise at all?

SpainToday · 02/08/2023 18:54

You've basically made yourself 'a wife' without him having to commit so he is not going to make any effort to get married while he already has a home, children and you staying home to look after them.

This. When you had the children you gave away all your bargaining chips OP.

I’m not a great fan of ultimatums but if you said ‘marry me or I’m off’ how would he react?

Newgirls · 02/08/2023 18:56

He won’t believe you if you say you’ll leave as basically you’ve been a push over this far. You’re only 29 and now you know where you stand. It’s time to protect yourself get proper legal advice for what happens if he walks away. As you are responsible for 2 kids you need to know. You might then decide to stay with him but you will have all the facts to decide.

LawnmowerBlues · 02/08/2023 18:57

Take off the ring and put it away somewhere safe.

Just do that one thing.

You are not engaged and he needs to understand that he can't consider you engaged to him. He can't have it both ways.

I know the rest would be much harder - it's easy for us to tell you to leave him, but that's a huge and scary decision and only you know if that's right. I'm so sorry. Maybe it will work out.

But one clear and obvious thing you can do right now is take off the ring.