Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fiancé no longer wants marriage.

162 replies

Avg101 · 02/08/2023 13:38

New to mumsnet but in need of some advice.
Me and my fiancé have been together for 11 years, engaged for 7 years and have 2 children and a house. I'm getting tired of not having any wedding plans so I found the perfect venue the other day, put kids to bed last night and told him all about it only to be told he doesn't want to make plans yet. To which I said its been 7 years, let's just book the venue for 2026 as that gives us enough time to save and do things slowly, but he said he we don't need to be married. Before having children he knew that what I wanted from the relationship was marriage which he said its what he wanted at the time which is why he proposed but doesn't feel like it's needed now. I can't even explain all the emotions I'm feeling, a wedding is a big thing to me, I've wanted it since I was little - I would of never chose to have children with someone who didn't want marriage. I just don't know what to do, because yes I love him but I can't help but feel like he's made this decision on his own. I've waited and waited and in that time all my grandparents have passed away - which I know isn't his fault. I've compromised this whole relationship, putting my career on hold to take care of children (which I wouldn't change for the world). I agreed on only having 2 children when I've always wanted 3. And now this. I love him and would want to be with him forever but I'm 29 not getting any younger and I want the lovely wedding, it's something I have always dreamed about. He said he still wants to be engaged and for me to wear the ring but I just think that's not fair at all when he doesn't want the full commitment. Am I being unreasonable in being this upset??

OP posts:
Fizzology · 02/08/2023 14:59

This situation is a disaster-in-waiting for you, for all the reasons listed by PP.

Step 1: Go fulltime at work. You need to do that immediately. You and DP will split the cost of childcare by % of income. So, if he earns more, he will pay a higher amount.

Step 2: Regardless of pay, your job is as important as his. Indeed, moreso, as you have lost out on promotions, training, wage increases, pension contributions. So you two make a plan for when dc are ill or childcare falls through. It will be evenly split between you.

Step 3: You working f/t has an obvious impact on housework, shopping, etc. Work out a plan to split this evenly between you.

Step 4: Work out the financial reality of leaving him. What can you afford in rent, or can you afford to buy? If so, where?

You don't have to leave him if you do not want to. (I mean, he's lied to you about the foundation of your relationship for years: I'd leave him.) But you must start living as though you are single. Because you are, financially.

I know that you wanted the life of a SAHM, at least for a while, which is a perfectly valid life to want. But he doesn't want to make the legal commitment that kind of life requires. I'm really sorry it didn't work out.

But you are young and you have an easy pathway to full employment. It might not be what you wanted, but you can make it wonderful.

CurlewKate · 02/08/2023 15:01

Have you made legal arrangements to protect yourself and your children in the event of a break up? Wills? If not- under no circumstances let things escalate until you have. And contraception. Every time.

MullerInk · 02/08/2023 15:01

I'm in the same situation OP but a bit older and we have been together 12 years. I have cried so many tears about it. I've said let's just have a tiny wedding etc though I would love to be a bride (as childish as that sounds). But there is always a reason why not. So many people I know have got together and got married since we've been together.

winelove · 02/08/2023 15:02

You need to go back to work full time.
You need to share the child care cost and children care time.
You need to put as much in your pension as he does.

You are setting yourself up for poverty in later life.
Do you have access to his savings, are are aware of his financials.....
You need to get tough

He has a house keeper, a nanny and someone to shag......

SquirrelSoShiny · 02/08/2023 15:05

I would 100% see a solicitor ASAP. If a split is on the cards you need to know what you're entitled to.

Men like this disgust me and they are ever-increasing. Only when women stop giving them what they want will they ever change.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 02/08/2023 15:06

Mutinyonthecrunchie · 02/08/2023 14:30

So many Mners are dismissive about marriage, it's a piece of paper, out of date etc but it is shown time and time again it gives you protection as a woman if you have kids and the weaker income.
You need to seriously consider your future, for your kids and yourself that probably doesn't include your partner.

I've said loads of times to people who say 'marriage is just a piece of paper' that that might be true, but when shit hits fan it's a very important piece of paper.

Deadringer · 02/08/2023 15:09

I would tell him if he doesn't want to marry then you are no longer engaged, that's how it works, and give him back the ring. I would also tell him that you are rethinking the relationship. You want marriage and a wedding and if that is not going to happen with him then you want to think about your options. Say all this, and make sure you mean it too. You have made compromises, if he really loves you it's time he makes some too. I suspect he will suddenly decide that marriage is exactly what he wants, if not then you really do need to consider your options.

PrideNails · 02/08/2023 15:13

I'm sorry OP this must be hard for you but to me it sounds like you just want a wedding, not a marriage. Also, why did you have children first if this was so important to you?

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 02/08/2023 15:14

I hate the phrase marriage is just a piece of paper. Your birth certificate is just a piece of paper, the mortgage deeds to your house are just a piece of paper. Still quite important though.

JFDIYOLO · 02/08/2023 15:27

@Hoppinggreen is right.

Choosing to believe the marriage mirage and going along with it, including having children with him, has made you and them very vulnerable and you've just realised the truth of your situation.

Priority: Get a full time job.
Get an income.
Get some savings in.
Get a pension.

So you can survive if the worst happens and he buggers off.

Then one good thing about not being married is he doesn't co-own all that. But you don't co-own his income, savings, property or pension.

The difference is you stepped away from career and income to be a parent. He didn't.

Equalise your status.

Build your confidence and financial security for the future.

That ring? It's meaningless. I'd sell it and start the savings account.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 02/08/2023 15:38

Make sure he pays into a pension for you to make up for the loss of yours whilst you raise the dc

Aquamarine1029 · 02/08/2023 15:44

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 02/08/2023 15:38

Make sure he pays into a pension for you to make up for the loss of yours whilst you raise the dc

I'd bet my house there's no way he'd agree to this.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/08/2023 16:00

"Make sure he pays into a pension for you to make up for the loss of yours whilst you raise the dc"

I do not think he will at all, let alone willingly do this either.

applesandmares · 02/08/2023 16:10

How old are the children? If you want to stay in the relationship without marriage you need to start looking after yourself as he could leave at any time. You're only 29, don't sacrifice your career anymore, get back to full time work and ensure your financial independence, pension and NI contributions.

Take the ring off. If he has no intention of marriage you aren't really engaged and the only reason I can think that he wants that ring on, is so other people think you are.

Consider whether you want to waste any more time convincing this man to marry you! Either stay and accept that you won't marry, or leave and find someone else.

frozendaisy · 02/08/2023 16:13

No marriage = no little wife at home

I presume the kids have his surname as well? You were led to believe you would all be "a real family with the same surname one day" line?

As everyone is saying, legally, financially you are effectively single. You need to start thinking this way. You have enough time to catch up your career and pension, would have been nice to have been told his change of heart before now, but you are where you are.

At least you know. He has done you a huge favour.

Take the ring off. It's engaged to be married not some cheap token to get you to stay at home washing his socks and not earning any money so he can be super earner.

It has all been "what he wants". Your kids need you with a backbone OP. Time for what you need.

BadNomad · 02/08/2023 16:20

You're not engaged. You're back to being just his girlfriend. I'd be disappointed too. The relationship has changed. You are very much allowed to reconsider if this relationship is working for you anymore.

momtoboys · 02/08/2023 16:26

If you truly want to be married, you need to move on. He is never going to marry you. Oh, and he is a liar.

C1N1C · 02/08/2023 16:47

YABU.
I get the broken 'promise', but I don't see the big deal, and I'm going to be shouted down for this, but I find many of the above posts ridiculous.

You've been with him for 11 years and have children... yet are upset that he's not wasting a sh!tload of money on a party and a bit of paper.

He's shown his commitment and his seriousness to you, and you'd throw all of that away for literally one completely unnecessary day.

It's been 11 years. You have a nice life. Finances are fine and fair. You clearly love him because you WANT to get married to him.

Replace "everything you've ever wanted, minus a wedding"
with
"MAYBE finding man and a life that is comparable... with a broken family... and one ticky-box day"

As someone who has had a wedding, and forgotten most of it a few years later, it's so not worth it. Plus, if you look up the older MN posts on whether others actually thought it was worth it, half of MN have agreed!

Would you accept a registry office thing, or is it the event you want?

Annaishere · 02/08/2023 17:01

He probably thinks you’re as good as married anyway having a house and kids

CurlewKate · 02/08/2023 17:04

I don't want to be married either. But I wouldn't tell someone I did then change my mind.

Original poster
Avg101 · 02/08/2023 17:11

Some people want marriage - its not asif i have hid that from him. And for the last bit yes I would 100% just go to the registry office and I have also said that to him but same response.

OP posts:
TheCatterall · 02/08/2023 17:15

@Avg101 massive squishes. I can only imagine how devastating this is for you.

most posters have already printed out the reasons why the marriage contract is important.

Is like to add something else. He’s paying all the household bills etc.

So it’s showing him on his credit report as being a safe bet. It’s building his score.

what’s your credit score like. If you don’t have utilities and payments towards such things then you are in a weaker financial position already.

Regardless of what else happens. If you continue to cohabit I would suggest that you rearrange the bills and children’s costs.

Who has access to the savings? Whose name are they in?

Does he understand why marriage (not just a wedding) is so important to the future safety of you and your children?

MisschiefMaker · 02/08/2023 17:22

I can see why he doesn't want marriage. As it stands, he's saved on childcare and you have carried that cost. If you marry and divorce he would have to pay his way in a divorce settlement.

TeaMistress · 02/08/2023 17:22

So he has shown his true colours. Hes strung you along by dangling marriage and commitment to a future together in front of you and then he's decided to change the goalposts. He never intended marriage or commitment did he...you urgently need to think about whether he is someone you want to waste a second more on. You will need to go back to work and he will need to pay half of the childcare. Take the ring off and sell it. You need to start thinking of securing your future and your children's future.

RandomMess · 02/08/2023 17:27

Well I would be taking of the ring and telling people the engagement is off.

Longer term I would weigh what I wanted, staying with someone with no financial legal protection or ending the relationship.

I would certainly be rearranging finances to ensure my pension and savings were equal to his and equal leisure time.