Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fiancé no longer wants marriage.

162 replies

Avg101 · 02/08/2023 13:38

New to mumsnet but in need of some advice.
Me and my fiancé have been together for 11 years, engaged for 7 years and have 2 children and a house. I'm getting tired of not having any wedding plans so I found the perfect venue the other day, put kids to bed last night and told him all about it only to be told he doesn't want to make plans yet. To which I said its been 7 years, let's just book the venue for 2026 as that gives us enough time to save and do things slowly, but he said he we don't need to be married. Before having children he knew that what I wanted from the relationship was marriage which he said its what he wanted at the time which is why he proposed but doesn't feel like it's needed now. I can't even explain all the emotions I'm feeling, a wedding is a big thing to me, I've wanted it since I was little - I would of never chose to have children with someone who didn't want marriage. I just don't know what to do, because yes I love him but I can't help but feel like he's made this decision on his own. I've waited and waited and in that time all my grandparents have passed away - which I know isn't his fault. I've compromised this whole relationship, putting my career on hold to take care of children (which I wouldn't change for the world). I agreed on only having 2 children when I've always wanted 3. And now this. I love him and would want to be with him forever but I'm 29 not getting any younger and I want the lovely wedding, it's something I have always dreamed about. He said he still wants to be engaged and for me to wear the ring but I just think that's not fair at all when he doesn't want the full commitment. Am I being unreasonable in being this upset??

OP posts:
Rewis · 02/08/2023 14:07

Get a job asap. You're in a very vulnerable position with not working and relying on him financially. Do you own a house together in both your names? Do you have access to money? Does he pay into your personal savings account and pension?

Why doesn't he want to get married? Just doesn't want the wedding? Doesn't want the commitment cause he's not committed and keeps his options open? Doesn't want to share his finances in case you break up?

As for the ring. Does he wear ab engagement ring to show his commitment? Or is it just something he wants you to do?

You're only 29. If you're happy to continue the relationship without marriage make sure your name is in everything and remember it is ok for this to be a dealbreaker.

hollyblueivy · 02/08/2023 14:08

ArcticSkewer · 02/08/2023 13:55

You are only 29. Time to start over.

Imagine you are 50. Savings are in his name. Yes, house is joint. You worked part time for 30 years, or not at all, and didn't have enough for additional pension payments. He worked full time throughout.

You split up. Probably because he is 50 and meets someone a bit younger. Nice.

What do you get? Half a house. You can't vet a mortgage to buy him out so you spend it on rent instead. No decent pension. No savings.

He gets the house (the bank would lend to him). His savings - you can't claim them and after all, he earned the money so he could save. His pension.

Never mind 'the lovely wedding '. You lost a lot more by staying for the next 20 years.

This above all else is the exact reason you should get married - far and beyond the romance.

And probably is the exact reason he has had a change of heart.

ZekeZeke · 02/08/2023 14:10

Avg101 · 02/08/2023 14:05

We have a joint mortgage together. Also I work 2 days a week but can go full time if I was ever needing to. We have life insurance together. We don't have a joint bank account as he does pay for all bills and I pay for anything the children or I need/want. It's something that has always worked for us.

That's good.
What about pensions?

ClementWeatherToday · 02/08/2023 14:10

He wants literally EVERYTHING his way, doesn't he - right down to you wearing an engagement ring without expecting to get married!!! Does he even understand that he is engaged to be married to you!?

Cosmosforbreakfast · 02/08/2023 14:11

You want to be married, it's important to you. You tell him that you want to book a date within a 6 months to get married, registry office/venue you love/wherever, that both you and your children have to have that commitment and legal protection. If he still refuses, off to a solicitor, find out where you stand regarding property, finances, child maintenance etc. Have all your ducks in a row before you end the relationship.

You've basically made yourself 'a wife' without him having to commit so he is not going to make any effort to get married while he already has a home, children and you staying home to look after them.

You're only 29 OP, you have plenty of time to start over and find a man who will want to marry you not just make you a live in baby mama.

Hoppinggreen · 02/08/2023 14:11

How’s your pension?
I am assuming the amount of money he puts in is only possible because your provide childcare.
If you split his pensions are all his.
Just one example of how it’s usually better to be married

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 02/08/2023 14:12

I'm always deeply suspicious of men who do not want to give their partners and children (people you'd hope they love very much and want to protect) the legal protections that marriage affords.

@ArcticSkewer has skewered the reasons why he might not want to, OP.

Silvered · 02/08/2023 14:13

Keep the ring (sell it) and ditch the idiot.

Of course he doesn't want to marry now. He's got the house and the kids and you working part time so has zero to gain. I bet they have his last name as well. You're carrying all of the risk - the hit to your earnings and financial future.

Tell him you're going back to work FT so he'll need to sort out childcare for the days that he has them. Get living accommodation sorted out and a claim in for CMS. And tell him that you'll be adding your surname to the kids and that if he doesn't give permission you'll take it to court.

Genevieva · 02/08/2023 14:15

So he can’t give you a reason for legalising the arrangement that you currently have? You live as a married couple, but he doesn’t want to provide you with the financial security that, if one if you got hit by a bus, everything you own in common would pass to the other free of inheritance tax? He would rather your joint assets were taxed at 40%, potentially forcing the surviving parent to move house.

Hayliebells · 02/08/2023 14:15

I'd be making my plans to leave him, it's disgraceful behaviour. MN should have a pinned post warning about this situation, it's so so common!

Verv · 02/08/2023 14:15

Silvered · 02/08/2023 14:13

Keep the ring (sell it) and ditch the idiot.

Of course he doesn't want to marry now. He's got the house and the kids and you working part time so has zero to gain. I bet they have his last name as well. You're carrying all of the risk - the hit to your earnings and financial future.

Tell him you're going back to work FT so he'll need to sort out childcare for the days that he has them. Get living accommodation sorted out and a claim in for CMS. And tell him that you'll be adding your surname to the kids and that if he doesn't give permission you'll take it to court.

^ this.

He's got the ideal situation of all the benefits with zero responsibility.
So cushy in fact that he no longer feels the need to do what he's been promising for years to keep you on the hook.

SunRainStorm · 02/08/2023 14:15

Avg101 · 02/08/2023 14:05

We have a joint mortgage together. Also I work 2 days a week but can go full time if I was ever needing to. We have life insurance together. We don't have a joint bank account as he does pay for all bills and I pay for anything the children or I need/want. It's something that has always worked for us.

Jesus Christ, how have you convinced yourself that this 'works for us'

It works for him. He gets his full time income, complete control over the majority of family money. YOU on two days pay for yourself and the children.

You have no joint account. Does he pay into your pension? Give you money for your own savings?

Take off your engagement ring immediately. You don't belong to him.

He can marry you or you are single.

He doesn't get to have his cake and eat it.

You're 29, you're young! Don't waste another minute. You have time to meet someone better, get married, have the third child you long for and be with someone who treats you well.

I would throw the ring in his fucking face at this point.

Wake up.

Workawayxx · 02/08/2023 14:16

So he wants all the benefits of a marriage (which he promised you) on his side without actually having to get married and give you any of the benefits of marriage. If it was me, I'd calmly adjust my life accordingly - go full time at work and pay into your pension and your own savings, he steps up to do 50/50 housework and childcare. You stop wearing your ring and tell family and friends you're no longer engaged as he doesn't wish to marry. That's what cohabitation without the protection of marriage needs to look like for you.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 02/08/2023 14:18

Measureformeasure · 02/08/2023 13:54

Honestly I'd take the ring off and tell him you no longer consider yourself to be "engaged" as it means nothing if you are not getting married.

Next, I'd be getting legal advice. You need to get everything nailed down if you want to stay in this relationship and he needs to be involved in giving you some financial security. Your name need to be on the deeds (as tenants in common), you need Wills and Lasting Powers of Attorney and maybe even a co-habitation agreement. All these documents are needed if you don't get married, to protect you and you financial security. It may focus his mind a little and show him that you are not a fool he is taking you for. If he says no then he is telling you he knows full well that you are extremely vulnerable and he does not care. There may not be a "point" to marriage for him but aside for the romantic side there really is a point for you.

Absolutely this advice.

Whattodowithit88 · 02/08/2023 14:19

So the mortgage comes out of his sole account and not a joint one? That’s nice!

This happened to me when I was 36, but mine strung me along for longer. I left, put the house up for sale and moved far away as I needed to stand on my own two feet being as he wasn’t willing anymore to commit to me and secure our finances. He ended up moving with me in the end and we got married 4 months later.

youre young enough to start again and be with a man who WANTS to marry you.

Miajk · 02/08/2023 14:21

If marriage was so important to you why did you have kids before it?

He's a twat but not sure why you put yourself in this position

ImNotReallySpartacus · 02/08/2023 14:23

'Being engaged' is not really a thing unless both parties intend to marry. You are cohabiting. You need to decide whether you are willing to settle for cohabitation. As has been pointed out, it is not usually a good deal for the economically weaker partner.

Mutinyonthecrunchie · 02/08/2023 14:30

So many Mners are dismissive about marriage, it's a piece of paper, out of date etc but it is shown time and time again it gives you protection as a woman if you have kids and the weaker income.
You need to seriously consider your future, for your kids and yourself that probably doesn't include your partner.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/08/2023 14:33

If the mortgage is coming out of his sole named account then he is the sole one paying for it; a sneaky move on his part. He does not want to share anything with you. He sees you as good enough to live with till someone else comes along.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what do you think they are learning here from you two?. Would you want them to be in this position too as adults, no you would want better for them. Insist on better for yourself too, this will involve you leaving him. I'd also sell the ring as it is meaningless; your seven year engagement was a huge red flag that you did not recognise in him either.

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 02/08/2023 14:41

Weddings are not important. Marriages are.

The marriage contract protects you, and you need it. You need to take the sound advice given above and get your ducks in a row.

And take off the ring (hide it so he can’t try and taken it back). You’re not engaged to be married. You’re just labelled with a shiny rock.

ASoapImpressionOfHisWifeWhichHeAte · 02/08/2023 14:43

Echo the advice to ditch the ring and seek legal advice.

Cruisingthewave · 02/08/2023 14:44

He has lied this entire time. Prepare to leave, he has totally screwed you over.

Serenity45 · 02/08/2023 14:48

SunRainStorm · 02/08/2023 13:41

I'd be furious.

He's sold you a lemon.

He's had everything his own way.

You gave up work to raise children- with none of the protection that marriage offers. And he refuses to give that to you.

I'd be considering leaving TBH. I'd find it hard to feel loved or respected by a man who would do this to me.

All of this, in a nutshell. I'm sorry you're going through this OP

SallySunrise · 02/08/2023 14:50

ArcticSkewer · 02/08/2023 13:55

You are only 29. Time to start over.

Imagine you are 50. Savings are in his name. Yes, house is joint. You worked part time for 30 years, or not at all, and didn't have enough for additional pension payments. He worked full time throughout.

You split up. Probably because he is 50 and meets someone a bit younger. Nice.

What do you get? Half a house. You can't vet a mortgage to buy him out so you spend it on rent instead. No decent pension. No savings.

He gets the house (the bank would lend to him). His savings - you can't claim them and after all, he earned the money so he could save. His pension.

Never mind 'the lovely wedding '. You lost a lot more by staying for the next 20 years.

I was going to reply properly but this sums it up.

Also definitely stop wearing the ring. You're not engaged if there's no prospect of marriage.

Meeting · 02/08/2023 14:57

It's ultimatum time..