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Relationships

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Original poster

Fiancé no longer wants marriage.

162 replies

Avg101 · 02/08/2023 13:38

New to mumsnet but in need of some advice.
Me and my fiancé have been together for 11 years, engaged for 7 years and have 2 children and a house. I'm getting tired of not having any wedding plans so I found the perfect venue the other day, put kids to bed last night and told him all about it only to be told he doesn't want to make plans yet. To which I said its been 7 years, let's just book the venue for 2026 as that gives us enough time to save and do things slowly, but he said he we don't need to be married. Before having children he knew that what I wanted from the relationship was marriage which he said its what he wanted at the time which is why he proposed but doesn't feel like it's needed now. I can't even explain all the emotions I'm feeling, a wedding is a big thing to me, I've wanted it since I was little - I would of never chose to have children with someone who didn't want marriage. I just don't know what to do, because yes I love him but I can't help but feel like he's made this decision on his own. I've waited and waited and in that time all my grandparents have passed away - which I know isn't his fault. I've compromised this whole relationship, putting my career on hold to take care of children (which I wouldn't change for the world). I agreed on only having 2 children when I've always wanted 3. And now this. I love him and would want to be with him forever but I'm 29 not getting any younger and I want the lovely wedding, it's something I have always dreamed about. He said he still wants to be engaged and for me to wear the ring but I just think that's not fair at all when he doesn't want the full commitment. Am I being unreasonable in being this upset??

OP posts:

Titicacacandle · 03/08/2023 08:28

If you force him to marry you through an ultimatum you will be married always knowing he didn't want to marry you and you had to make him. Fuck that, that's an absolute recipe for an insecure and unhappy marriage.

He doesn't love you enough to marry you or to have been honest with you re marriage in the first place. It's that simple. What are you going to do with this new information?

camtsaywho · 03/08/2023 08:52

How many times does it need to be said ?
Marriage is a legal contract that provides financial protection to the primary carer of any children who is normally the economically disadvantaged party.
Why would any sane woman without a financial advantage above their partner willingly agree to have children without marriage. ?

My granny's expression was rather crude but the sentiment is spot on.

'Why would the farmer buy the cow when the calves came for free'

JFDIYOLO · 03/08/2023 08:52

OP - how old is your partner? Is he older than you are?

Incidentally I'd stop referring to him as your fiance.

Spanky123 · 03/08/2023 17:34

SunRainStorm · 03/08/2023 01:17

Is this OP's partner?

Missing the point entirely.

OP has given a decade of her life to him either way. At least in a divorce her contribution to his ability to earn an income would be recognised in the settlement.

As it stands, she has provided him with a free nanny, housekeeper, chef for years, enabling him to build up equity and savings for HIMSELF.

She will have nothing to show for a decade of her life in terms of finances and security.

Show quote history

It seems from posts on this thread it's all about the financial benefit of divorce, as opposed to anything else and the love associated with marriage. Why not work full time regardless and share childcare and take the same approach with everything else etc?!

andHelenknowsimmiserablenow · 03/08/2023 20:11

It's the same on all similar threads. Some women are capable of earning as much, or more, than their partners, and sharing childcare. They don't need to get married for financial security.

Dacadactyl · 03/08/2023 22:08

@andHelenknowsimmiserablenow yes some women are capable of earning as much, if not more and sharing childcare with their other half.

But thats not OPs situation. She's given up a career to look after their kids. The least he can do is bloody marry her.

Velvian · 03/08/2023 22:17

@Avg101 , do the DC have his last name? I would get the ball rolling to get your name added to their names if they don't already have it.

I would also make clear that you do want want marriage and if it is not going to be him you need to move on.

He has been future faking.

billy1966 · 03/08/2023 23:40

RandomMess · 02/08/2023 17:27

Well I would be taking of the ring and telling people the engagement is off.

Longer term I would weigh what I wanted, staying with someone with no financial legal protection or ending the relationship.

I would certainly be rearranging finances to ensure my pension and savings were equal to his and equal leisure time.

This.

Goodness but he has really sold you a pup.

All the sacrifices you have made financially whilst he builds his credit rating.

You have made every compromise here.

Not a chance he is going to marry you now that you have compromised on everything.

I'm so sorry OP but he saw you coming.

Think long and hard about your future and for goodness sake get back to work full-time and stop subsidising him with your career.

PinkCherryBlossoms · 04/08/2023 08:59

Dacadactyl · 03/08/2023 22:08

@andHelenknowsimmiserablenow yes some women are capable of earning as much, if not more and sharing childcare with their other half.

But thats not OPs situation. She's given up a career to look after their kids. The least he can do is bloody marry her.

Absolutely. There are some threads on which it's relevant to point out that some women, albeit a minority, are disadvantaged by marriage. This isn't one of them.

FOJN · 04/08/2023 09:30

Sparklfairy · 02/08/2023 13:56

He's not going to marry you, why would he? He got everything he wanted, with no commitment from his end. He said it himself, 'we don't need to be married'.

You've pitched it in your OP like it was a dealbreaker, but you didn't make a deal. You handed over everything HE wanted based on a pipe dream he promised and has now reneged on, because now he has all the leverage.

All of this.

You say you wouldn't have had children with someone who didn't want marriage and then had the children before marriage. Insisting on the marriage before children would have made him prove that he was committed to a future with you.

Who initiated the discussion about starting a family? Was it him or you? Did you think that if you had children you would take on the sacred mantle of "mother of his children" and he would then follow through on marriage.

He may have changed his mind rather than lying to you because quite honestly from his point of view there is no advantage to marriage now. He has a family and a committed partner who has made all the sacrifices and he doesn't have any financial liability beyond providing for the children.

If you intend to continue the relationship then you need to get back into full time employment and start improving your financial situation. I think you need to arrange finances differently so that you are not paying for everything child related, he needs to know how much children cost and you don't want to be saddled with 100% of the childcare bill if you go back to work full time.

You can walk away and start again if marriage is really important to you, 29 is no age at all.

Lots of people will tell you he's strung you along and you are the victim here but as the PP said you gave him everything he wanted and he now has all of the leverage. My post is more for women living with their partners who want marriage and a family and are undecided about which to do first. If having children will financially disadvantage you then you should get married before children.

suburbophobe · 04/08/2023 09:37

I would of never chose to have children with someone who didn't want marriage.

But you did though.

So you have to look at your own choices here.

Penguinmouse · 07/12/2023 17:48

What does he mean he doesn’t want the commitment anymore? You have two kids together! What an arsehole.

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