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Original poster

Fiancé no longer wants marriage.

162 replies

Avg101 · 02/08/2023 13:38

New to mumsnet but in need of some advice.
Me and my fiancé have been together for 11 years, engaged for 7 years and have 2 children and a house. I'm getting tired of not having any wedding plans so I found the perfect venue the other day, put kids to bed last night and told him all about it only to be told he doesn't want to make plans yet. To which I said its been 7 years, let's just book the venue for 2026 as that gives us enough time to save and do things slowly, but he said he we don't need to be married. Before having children he knew that what I wanted from the relationship was marriage which he said its what he wanted at the time which is why he proposed but doesn't feel like it's needed now. I can't even explain all the emotions I'm feeling, a wedding is a big thing to me, I've wanted it since I was little - I would of never chose to have children with someone who didn't want marriage. I just don't know what to do, because yes I love him but I can't help but feel like he's made this decision on his own. I've waited and waited and in that time all my grandparents have passed away - which I know isn't his fault. I've compromised this whole relationship, putting my career on hold to take care of children (which I wouldn't change for the world). I agreed on only having 2 children when I've always wanted 3. And now this. I love him and would want to be with him forever but I'm 29 not getting any younger and I want the lovely wedding, it's something I have always dreamed about. He said he still wants to be engaged and for me to wear the ring but I just think that's not fair at all when he doesn't want the full commitment. Am I being unreasonable in being this upset??

OP posts:
greenthumb13 · 02/08/2023 20:59

CurlewKate · 02/08/2023 20:53

@greenthumb13 He's a sack of shit-but she should still marry him if the ultimatum works? Right.

Yeah I take it back. Don't marry him!!

WilkinsonM · 02/08/2023 21:08

Why didn't you get married before you had kids and cut down your income and earning potential 🤦🏼‍♀️
He isn't going to marry you. Why would he? He's got all the good stuff with no financial commitment.

Maiden2021 · 02/08/2023 21:25

MisschiefMaker · 02/08/2023 17:22

I can see why he doesn't want marriage. As it stands, he's saved on childcare and you have carried that cost. If you marry and divorce he would have to pay his way in a divorce settlement.

I can also see why he doesn't want marriage. For the reason you have quoted and many more.

OP, please have some perspective. No one to whom marriage is important gets 2 children before getting married. Unless to them marriage is important and it can be with anyone including (and hopefully) the father or one of the fathers of the kid/s.

Dacadactyl · 02/08/2023 21:29

CurlewKate · 02/08/2023 19:21

@SadieOlsen You miss my point. Those are not the "duties of a wife". You think if they were married those duties should rightfully fall to her, and she should go on "wife strike" until he "makes an honest woman of her"? The point here is that he made a commitment to her and is reneging on that commitment. It's nothing to do with cooking and cleaning. It's about honesty and wanting to do what makes her happy.

No they're not the "duties of a wife" per se, but OP says she "has put her career on hold to take care of children", so it's reasonable to assume that she's either not working or PT. In which case, those jobs are likely to fall to her in the main, aren't they?

So again, saying "stop acting like his wife" if he won't marry you is not harking back to the 50s, but common sense.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 03/08/2023 00:02

Wow. What an enormous betrayal.

2chocolateoranges · 03/08/2023 00:06

Avg101 · 02/08/2023 14:05

We have a joint mortgage together. Also I work 2 days a week but can go full time if I was ever needing to. We have life insurance together. We don't have a joint bank account as he does pay for all bills and I pay for anything the children or I need/want. It's something that has always worked for us.

He has everything he wants without having to get married, most men are the same. House, mortgage, children etc and they don’t feel the need to be married.

out of all the couples I know who had the house and children first only a tiny percent go on and get married.

You basically have done everything a wife does without the legalities therefore he sees no need to get married as everything is on his term.

Duckingella · 03/08/2023 00:10

Call his bluff.

He doesn't now want to get married now as he thinks you're fine as you are;fine.

Insist on a civil partnership then to get you and your children the same legal protection as a married couple/family.It'll tell you EVERYTHING you need to know about what he thinks of you by his reaction to that.

Greengrassohla · 03/08/2023 00:43

If you’re not getting married, you’re not engaged.

Mari9999 · 03/08/2023 01:12

@Avg101
You have the same Interest in the property that he has. Should you split , he will have to contribute to the support of his children.

I think when you live together for a long time as though you were married, you will run the risk that your spouse may be come weary and leery in the same way that married couples become weary . He has experienced the monotony and sameness ,and may be at the stage that many married couples reach of asking "if I had to do this over? "

You might find that he would be willing to commit to a ceremony at the registry or courthouse rather than having a formal wedding. You may have imagined a fancy format wedding as a child, but did that fantasy include having several children, a joint mortgage, and partner with whom you have lived for 10 years? He might be more amenable to becoming a husband if it did not involve being a groom in some relatively formal ceremony.

If you just suggest to him ," lets sneak off to the Registry next week and get married" , you might end up with a husband, but by pushing for some fantasy experience that involves long term planning and expenses ,you are not likely to end up with a groom.

SunRainStorm · 03/08/2023 01:12

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/08/2023 20:48

Go back to work full-time, stop being his domestic appliance, save up and leave.

He's a liar, who wants you to lie to the world. Take the ring off now. Flog it if it's worth anything.

This website needs a like button.

This this this, OP.

SunRainStorm · 03/08/2023 01:17

Spanky123 · 02/08/2023 17:49

40% of marriages end in divorce, im sorry to say that's the reality today. Who would want that as an ending?

Is this OP's partner?

Missing the point entirely.

OP has given a decade of her life to him either way. At least in a divorce her contribution to his ability to earn an income would be recognised in the settlement.

As it stands, she has provided him with a free nanny, housekeeper, chef for years, enabling him to build up equity and savings for HIMSELF.

She will have nothing to show for a decade of her life in terms of finances and security.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 03/08/2023 01:27

He's had all the benefits of marriage without the ceremony
Take the ring off, as it's a sign of intention to marry.
If he won't set a date I would consider leaving the relationship
He's gone back on his word and doesn't care what you think
I'm sorry

JeandeServiette · 03/08/2023 01:35

Before having children he knew that what I wanted from the relationship was marriage which he said its what he wanted at the time which is why he proposed but doesn't feel like it's needed now.

Well of course he doesn't. The time to insist is before having children.

I would get out and start over. He doesn't respect you.

Ladyj84 · 03/08/2023 01:40

Awww cmon all those years engaged it wasn't exactly rocket science to work out the no marriage thing. I will never understand these long engagements they don't make sense. Marriage usually followed engagement fairly quickly and nowadays it's just another tag oh I'm engaged..I'm not even old and it boggles me

Someoneonlyyouknow · 03/08/2023 02:03

I do struggle to work out why people think engagement, baby, wedding is a natural progression of commitment. Unmarried cohabitees simply do not have the same financial and legal protections and this leaves the children unprotected as well.

I think the OP started this thread because she wants a wedding but most people are telling her what she needs is a marriage or a dramatic change to how she arranges her finances and I hope she takes heed. It's not easy to say we need to get married in case we get divorced but that's the truth. One friend of mine said they got married "so we have the right to switch off each other's life support"!

caringcarer · 03/08/2023 02:05

SunRainStorm · 02/08/2023 13:41

I'd be furious.

He's sold you a lemon.

He's had everything his own way.

You gave up work to raise children- with none of the protection that marriage offers. And he refuses to give that to you.

I'd be considering leaving TBH. I'd find it hard to feel loved or respected by a man who would do this to me.

This. I doubt he ever had any intention of marrying you. He wanted kids and knew if he didn't propose you'd delay having them. He is totally selfish and cares not a jot about your wishes or security. I'd refuse to wear the engagement ring as now it must be meaningless. I might sell it to make my point. I'd be leaving him. There is still loads of time to find someone who does love you, and wants to marry you.

hotchocandtwosmokybacon · 03/08/2023 04:57

If you seriously want to leave him (totally understandable if this is your wakeup call), you don't need to do it immediately. Tell him you don't consider yourself engaged or in a relationship any more. Stop sleeping in the same room and start preparing your exit. Let him know you will start dating someone else too. Obviously he does not care what you need to keep the relationship, so why would you want to be bound by that. 29 is still young, you need to decide for yourself what you want out of this relationship.

Backstreets · 03/08/2023 05:31

When you’re no longer new to mumsnet you will have read a ton of threads about women who are just like you except 10-20 years in the future, who find themselves financially decimated after a breakup.

The day he no longer wants you you’re screwed. He’s aligned everything in his favour. You’re only 29, which is young enough to undo the damage. 49 genuinely is not.

SilentNightDancer · 03/08/2023 05:45

Years ago I read on a forum that you're only really engaged "when you have a ring and a date for the wedding".

Whoever said it was roundly criticised by other posters at the time - however, the older I get, the more I have come to agree with the sentiment.

That said, I tend to believe the date is more important than the ring, except perhaps in the first month or so following the proposal.

intherough · 03/08/2023 06:23

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Tsk

TheAverageJoanne · 03/08/2023 06:42

Someoneonlyyouknow · 03/08/2023 02:03

I do struggle to work out why people think engagement, baby, wedding is a natural progression of commitment. Unmarried cohabitees simply do not have the same financial and legal protections and this leaves the children unprotected as well.

I think the OP started this thread because she wants a wedding but most people are telling her what she needs is a marriage or a dramatic change to how she arranges her finances and I hope she takes heed. It's not easy to say we need to get married in case we get divorced but that's the truth. One friend of mine said they got married "so we have the right to switch off each other's life support"!

Usually it's babies first then engagement and sometimes a wedding. I'm in my 30s and it's arse about face to me.

gerispringer · 03/08/2023 07:26

Perhaps a civil partnership where you just go and sign a form but have the protection of a marriage would be acceptable? Doesn’t get the wedding and party though which it seems the OP would like. Nothing wrong with that - a lot of people want to celebrate with friends and family, but it seems like the OPs partner doesn’t. Perhaps issue an ultimatum and be prepared to carry it through. Take the ring off as you aren’t engaged if you aren’t getting married, as an engagement is a commitment to marriage surely?

thelast5years · 03/08/2023 08:07

Market1 · 02/08/2023 13:54

I don't understand. Do you want wedding or a marriage?

You're allowed to want both. You aren't proving the point you think you are.

thelast5years · 03/08/2023 08:08

End it op. He's told you he isn't committed, believe him.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 03/08/2023 08:18

Op he's said he doesn't think you need to get married.

What was his response when you said that actually you very much do think you need a marriage?

Why is he ignoring your desire for one when it's not that he's against marriage he just doesn't think it's important?

Surely as you DO think it's important to you he would aquiese to the person with the stronger feeling about it?