Page 12 | New man used a prostitute once...

namechangeforthisy · 2023-08-02T10:33:15+00:00

I'm in a new relationship and we've become really close had had lots of intimate conversations, especially to do with sex. I feel really safe, cared about and all those positive things about this man. There are no red flags in what I've seen in the time we've spent together or in the sex - which is amazing (5 weeks but multiple dates, few days at a time etc - maybe about 12ish actual separate occasions and spending a couple of days together at a time) In one of our intimate conversations I asked him if he'd ever slept with a prostitute. He said no and then a few seconds later he said actually he didn't want to lie to me, he's never told anyone else about it but basically yes he has. He's answered all the questions I've asked. It was about 13 years ago (he's now 44) in the UK, after a really drunken night out at 1am and apparently his friend and he went on a website and ordered one, high end, cost around £200 each and they each slept with her (separately, in a separate room but one after the other). Even writing this down I feel like it's awful, disgusting etc.. Ugh.. We've spoken about it a bit and had really mature conversations about it. He is completely ashamed, for all the obvious reasons (and that was how he was telling the story to begin with to be clear - not after any reaction from me), understands that there will be a lot of women pushed into this, not freely doing it etc and just in general he says as soon as he sobered up he felt like it was awful and regretted it. He and the friend have not spoken about it since and nothing like that has ever happened again. He feels like it's one mistake in however many years of having sex and he's never repeated it again since. He seems completely genuine and I have no reason to believe he's lying but ofc it's totally thrown me off. From his perspective, he massively regrets it but feels like it's one (big) mistake and he would never do it again, hasn't done it since etc. He understands if it's a dealbreaker for me but hopes we can move past it etc. I do feel like he's a genuine really lovely guy and I've got feelings for him and can really seeing it going somewhere. TBH I wish he'd lied to me! Any thoughts/advice? I'm trying to think if there's anything else I might need to ask him to help clarify how I feel.. or if it's just a wait and see type situation. He had no reason to tell me and I'd never have found out so I do think it's good he wanted to be honest. I feel like I want to carry on seeing him and I guess just be careful and look out for any other red flags but is that foolish? I guess the main thought I'm thinking in his favour is, if I believe it was a one off, do you believe that someone can do something bad but still be a good person/still deserve forgiveness? On the other hand, some people might just view it as perfectly acceptable between consenting adults..

Mycuprunnethover · 03/08/2023 18:00

Rainydays777 · 03/08/2023 17:02

I agree entirely. And yes I had C-PTSD as a result. As I said in an earlier post, most sex workers have suffered some form of sexual abuse and for me, selling sex is just a furtherance of that. I wish we had stricter laws about it and stopped glorifying sex work generally as a society.

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I hope you're feeling better now.

BestUseADifferentName · 03/08/2023 18:20

Yusay · 03/08/2023 13:33

Mumsnet will always, always vote for you to ditch your partner. “He left the loo seat up?! He has no respect for you, dump him now!!”

What matters here is how you feel about it. I haven’t slept with a prostitute, but I have mistakes in my much younger past that I’m ashamed of, and if someone in my life now knew of them and used them as a reason not to be with me, I’d think they were a right unforgiving judgemental dick 👀

My brother when young once slept with a prostitute, after then, he’s been happily and faithfully married for 20 years. My friend worked as a high end prostitute for a few years and made a shit load of money, I wouldn’t particularly think well of the men she slept with, but I don’t think they’re all doomed to be single forever either.

It’s your call but I hope you don’t let this thread upset you or spoil your relationship. It’s a very good sign for the future that he was this honest with you.

She barely knows him. She has no idea if he was honest with her.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/08/2023 18:52

As someone who found out their "D"H had been doing this for decades my obvious instinct is to say get rid, for all the reasons PPs have stated

The only reason I'd hesitate is because he was honest when he didn't even have to be, but then there's the question of whether he said it to test your boundaries, as in "I fully intend to go right on doing it and now she can't say she didn't know"

So really it has to be a "gut instinct" decision for you, probably best made - one way or the other - before you get too involved

BestUseADifferentName · 03/08/2023 20:01

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/08/2023 18:52

As someone who found out their "D"H had been doing this for decades my obvious instinct is to say get rid, for all the reasons PPs have stated

The only reason I'd hesitate is because he was honest when he didn't even have to be, but then there's the question of whether he said it to test your boundaries, as in "I fully intend to go right on doing it and now she can't say she didn't know"

So really it has to be a "gut instinct" decision for you, probably best made - one way or the other - before you get too involved

My ex H told me about a year before we split up that he had slept with a prostitue when he was young, he was in a bad place, regretted it etc. It turned out to be rubbish and he was and had been sleeping with them for years at the time he told me that. He didn't have to volunteer that information at all. There is nothing to say that the OP's guy is being honest.

I think my ex H felt that was some way of confessing without confessing.

TheoTheopolis23 · 03/08/2023 21:17

Holscgnmusch · 03/08/2023 15:13

Ok, here goes. If you click on ‘Show quote history’, the thread unravels and you can see what the poster is responding to. Hope that helps.

Good for you that you are so excited about having a degree ☺️👏

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I'm not excited about having a degree, where did get that impression?

You asked if I could read .... I answered that if seemed unlikely I'd have gotten a degree to 2 hnds without being able to read. Where's the excitement in that?

I'm not doing that btw - you are not worth the slightest effort. Goodbye.

dinoice · 03/08/2023 21:33

I don't know. I'm a great believer in following your instincts.

it was,if to be believed, once, nearly 15 years ago, and he was honest.

What's his job, family life, does he have children, do you, is he worth you?

user21413 · 03/08/2023 21:58

Personally, I couldn't be with someone like that.

Objectively, he sounds remorseful and almost embarrassed he did it, hence why he never speaks of it with his friend. Without knowing more information, I would say there isn't much to indicate he will ever do it again in the future. But that's a risk that is always there if he's done it once.

Although 13 years ago was a long time ago, he was also 31, which isn't exactly the "young and foolish" age. That's the age of my peer group, and I couldn't imagine any of them doing something like that as we're all mature and respectful.

Ultimately, it's about how YOU feel. It doesn't really matter what any of us feel because we don't know him well enough to make that judgement call. Do YOU feel like you can trust him? Does it make you uncomfortable? Is this always going to be in the back of your mind in the years to come every time he goes out or doesn't pick up the phone? Is this going to be the topic of discussion that gets thrown into every argument?

If you want to make this work, you need to be confident that you can let all this go otherwise it will just eat you up.

sausagepastapot · 03/08/2023 22:10

An easy deal breaker for me. I would never, ever stay with someone knowing this information. For so many reasons.

SirVixofVixHall · 04/08/2023 00:05

JMSA · 03/08/2023 16:57

Oh, come on. It's a 'no' from me as well, but honestly, the histrionics on this site at times.
It is not the same.

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Well it is having sex with someone who does not want to have sex with you. Paid for rape, essentially.

Loopylooni · 04/08/2023 04:32

I often see these types of threads and find it interesting how people feel so strongly. A friend is married to someone who had only ever been with escorts prior to her. He had a job abroad in the midst of nowhere which meant their whole work group saw escorts regularly for fun. My friend is a professional and they have children now and are happy. I remember her asking me what I thought and I said it would put me off. But she went ahead anyway and tbf he's a great husband/dad and they are happy.

Ladyj84 · 04/08/2023 04:43

No no no from me.If that's what you want to do when drunk you have a filthy mind and a very weird friend to share is disgusting

JaukiVexnoydi · 04/08/2023 04:47

You might be interested to read through this recent thread

My view is that sex without consent is rape and consent bought with money is not valid. There are a wide range of other views.

Be aware that the version of events that he relayed to you as a new gf in the context you were in will have been absolutely the best, kindest and most forgivable construction of events. The truth is likely to be somewhat murkier as there are always a range of ways to tell the same story.

Masterofhappydays · 04/08/2023 04:49

Loopylooni · 04/08/2023 04:32

I often see these types of threads and find it interesting how people feel so strongly. A friend is married to someone who had only ever been with escorts prior to her. He had a job abroad in the midst of nowhere which meant their whole work group saw escorts regularly for fun. My friend is a professional and they have children now and are happy. I remember her asking me what I thought and I said it would put me off. But she went ahead anyway and tbf he's a great husband/dad and they are happy.

You find it interesting that a majority of women feel strongly about being viewed as sex objects and commodities? Because any man who has ever bought sex will have that view. The view that women can be purchased and they’re nothing more than a product for a man’s desire. Doesn’t matter how long ago it was or how many times it happened, he has seen women as nothing more than something that can be bought for him to stick his cock in.

You find it interesting that the majority of women feel strongly about not wanting to be with a man who has those views, who feels he can purchase access to another person’s body. Purchase consent?

Your lovely friend may be happy. Great for her. I hope they don’t have any daughters
:(

I don’t find it interesting that the majority of people on here have those views though. I find it natural. I’d rather be single forever than be with a ‘man’ like your friend’s husband. Like, what must he think of her?

Masterofhappydays · 04/08/2023 04:51

JaukiVexnoydi · 04/08/2023 04:47

You might be interested to read through this recent thread

My view is that sex without consent is rape and consent bought with money is not valid. There are a wide range of other views.

Be aware that the version of events that he relayed to you as a new gf in the context you were in will have been absolutely the best, kindest and most forgivable construction of events. The truth is likely to be somewhat murkier as there are always a range of ways to tell the same story.

Yes. This! Consent cannot be purchased. It is transactional rape. Why can’t people see it for what it is? The men doing this are paying to rape someone.

Catsmere · 04/08/2023 06:40

"Ordered one" like she's a thing.

That was rape, OP. Prostitution is. There's no free, enthusiastic consent when a woman has to do it for money.

tuvamoodyson · 04/08/2023 07:10

He went online and ‘ordered’ a prostitution that he shared with his friend?? Ugh!! And you believe this only happened once? 🤮

Mousehoel · 04/08/2023 07:26

Mumsnet will always, always vote for you to ditch your partner. “He left the loo seat up?! He has no respect for you, dump him now!!”

Bullshit.
Something some posters on MN are good at is spotting red flags and patterns, because so many have learnt the hard way.

What is weird is how many women will dismiss them as being hysterical, when there are glaring red flags like this.

baileys6904 · 04/08/2023 08:24

TheoTheopolis23 · 03/08/2023 21:17

I'm not excited about having a degree, where did get that impression?

You asked if I could read .... I answered that if seemed unlikely I'd have gotten a degree to 2 hnds without being able to read. Where's the excitement in that?

I'm not doing that btw - you are not worth the slightest effort. Goodbye.

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Rude and offensive and an extremely damaging opinion to be posging around the Internet.

Of course it is more than possible to gain a degree, including Masters and Phds without being able to read. Think of all those people with dyslexia, or visual difficulties, or just need a bit of support to do so.

Your statement could literally write off the aspirations of many and it's incorrect

CollagenQueen · 04/08/2023 08:43

He's trying to say that he was "drunk", and use that as some kind of excuse.

But he wasn't really that drunk, was he?

I mean, I get really drunk after 2 bottles of wine. I start seeing two of everything and if I try to do something with my phone, I can't focus on the text, even if I do ugly squinting. I stumble up to bed and collapse and go to sleep.

If you asked me when I was in this state, whether I could open my laptop, google search for prostitutes, find those in my area, scroll through and choose one, make the order, get the cash together, wait for maybe an hour until she came, then (if I was a man) get a decent erection, see the deed through, then wait until my mate had had seconds, then let her out of the property at the end....the answer would be "fuck no, I'm too drunk".

He also had a lot of time to think things through whilst they waited for her, and think, shit, we shouldn't be doing this.

Also, even he if he was blind drunk (which he wasn't), people don't do things when they are drunk that they vehemently disagree with when sober.

I could be blind drunk, but I still wouldn't stab a puppy or punch a toddler. Because I don't have those inclinations when I'm sober.

Any decent man would have recoiled in horror when his mate suggested buying a woman, but he went along with it, as if it was no big deal.

Everything in your posts indicates to me, that you are going to look past this. And that's your call, but he now knows that him buying prostitutes is not a deal breaker for you. So other misdemeanours would be fair game, I would have thought.

Masterofhappydays · 04/08/2023 08:51

CollagenQueen · 04/08/2023 08:43

He's trying to say that he was "drunk", and use that as some kind of excuse.

But he wasn't really that drunk, was he?

I mean, I get really drunk after 2 bottles of wine. I start seeing two of everything and if I try to do something with my phone, I can't focus on the text, even if I do ugly squinting. I stumble up to bed and collapse and go to sleep.

If you asked me when I was in this state, whether I could open my laptop, google search for prostitutes, find those in my area, scroll through and choose one, make the order, get the cash together, wait for maybe an hour until she came, then (if I was a man) get a decent erection, see the deed through, then wait until my mate had had seconds, then let her out of the property at the end....the answer would be "fuck no, I'm too drunk".

He also had a lot of time to think things through whilst they waited for her, and think, shit, we shouldn't be doing this.

Also, even he if he was blind drunk (which he wasn't), people don't do things when they are drunk that they vehemently disagree with when sober.

I could be blind drunk, but I still wouldn't stab a puppy or punch a toddler. Because I don't have those inclinations when I'm sober.

Any decent man would have recoiled in horror when his mate suggested buying a woman, but he went along with it, as if it was no big deal.

Everything in your posts indicates to me, that you are going to look past this. And that's your call, but he now knows that him buying prostitutes is not a deal breaker for you. So other misdemeanours would be fair game, I would have thought.

Your comment reminded me of 2011. I had this amazing idea once while completely sloshed, that I’d make some lavender scented bags and sell them to raise money for a local nursing home. I opened up my laptop, went on eBay and ordered some dried lavender.

Less than one week later, a 25kg sack of dried lavender was delivered.

I think OP has gone anyway. I do agree though, maybe he’s one of those lucky men who can get blind drunk and still get an erection…

CollagenQueen · 04/08/2023 08:51

Loopylooni · 04/08/2023 04:32

I often see these types of threads and find it interesting how people feel so strongly. A friend is married to someone who had only ever been with escorts prior to her. He had a job abroad in the midst of nowhere which meant their whole work group saw escorts regularly for fun. My friend is a professional and they have children now and are happy. I remember her asking me what I thought and I said it would put me off. But she went ahead anyway and tbf he's a great husband/dad and they are happy.

Fucking hell, I've heard it all now.

What a jovial spin, on an utterly grim situation.

"My friend is married to a man who had abused hundreds of women before they met, but they lived happily ever after"

TheoTheopolis23 · 04/08/2023 08:54

Most attached punters aren't getting caught, just sayin.

IfYouDontAsk · 04/08/2023 08:55

There are no red flags in what I've seen in the time we've spent together…

he went on a website and ordered one, high end, cost around £200 each and they each slept with her (separately, in a separate room but one after the other).

🤔

CollagenQueen · 04/08/2023 08:58

Masterofhappydays · 04/08/2023 08:51

Your comment reminded me of 2011. I had this amazing idea once while completely sloshed, that I’d make some lavender scented bags and sell them to raise money for a local nursing home. I opened up my laptop, went on eBay and ordered some dried lavender.

Less than one week later, a 25kg sack of dried lavender was delivered.

I think OP has gone anyway. I do agree though, maybe he’s one of those lucky men who can get blind drunk and still get an erection…

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Ha ha, that's so funny!

When I was about 18, I went to a grocers shop for onions. I needed one or two. The grocer asked me what I wanted in weight, and rather than admit I didn't have a clue, I just asked for a random weight. He proceeded to give me a huge carrier bag of onions and said "have you got vampires love?" Being embarrassed and naive I paid for all the onions and left with the bag. Why didn't I just say I only wanted two?? 😆

Masterofhappydays · 04/08/2023 09:24

CollagenQueen · 04/08/2023 08:58

Ha ha, that's so funny!

When I was about 18, I went to a grocers shop for onions. I needed one or two. The grocer asked me what I wanted in weight, and rather than admit I didn't have a clue, I just asked for a random weight. He proceeded to give me a huge carrier bag of onions and said "have you got vampires love?" Being embarrassed and naive I paid for all the onions and left with the bag. Why didn't I just say I only wanted two?? 😆

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😂