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Original poster

New man used a prostitute once...

384 replies

namechangeforthisy · 02/08/2023 11:33

I'm in a new relationship and we've become really close had had lots of intimate conversations, especially to do with sex. I feel really safe, cared about and all those positive things about this man. There are no red flags in what I've seen in the time we've spent together or in the sex - which is amazing (5 weeks but multiple dates, few days at a time etc - maybe about 12ish actual separate occasions and spending a couple of days together at a time)

In one of our intimate conversations I asked him if he'd ever slept with a prostitute. He said no and then a few seconds later he said actually he didn't want to lie to me, he's never told anyone else about it but basically yes he has. He's answered all the questions I've asked. It was about 13 years ago (he's now 44) in the UK, after a really drunken night out at 1am and apparently his friend and he went on a website and ordered one, high end, cost around £200 each and they each slept with her (separately, in a separate room but one after the other). Even writing this down I feel like it's awful, disgusting etc.. Ugh..

We've spoken about it a bit and had really mature conversations about it. He is completely ashamed, for all the obvious reasons (and that was how he was telling the story to begin with to be clear - not after any reaction from me), understands that there will be a lot of women pushed into this, not freely doing it etc and just in general he says as soon as he sobered up he felt like it was awful and regretted it. He and the friend have not spoken about it since and nothing like that has ever happened again. He feels like it's one mistake in however many years of having sex and he's never repeated it again since. He seems completely genuine and I have no reason to believe he's lying but ofc it's totally thrown me off.

From his perspective, he massively regrets it but feels like it's one (big) mistake and he would never do it again, hasn't done it since etc. He understands if it's a dealbreaker for me but hopes we can move past it etc. I do feel like he's a genuine really lovely guy and I've got feelings for him and can really seeing it going somewhere. TBH I wish he'd lied to me!

Any thoughts/advice? I'm trying to think if there's anything else I might need to ask him to help clarify how I feel.. or if it's just a wait and see type situation. He had no reason to tell me and I'd never have found out so I do think it's good he wanted to be honest. I feel like I want to carry on seeing him and I guess just be careful and look out for any other red flags but is that foolish?

I guess the main thought I'm thinking in his favour is, if I believe it was a one off, do you believe that someone can do something bad but still be a good person/still deserve forgiveness? On the other hand, some people might just view it as perfectly acceptable between consenting adults..

OP posts:
Naunet · 03/08/2023 11:57

guineacup · 03/08/2023 11:15

@Naunet

You have no idea if he’s told the truth or not, he could still be booking prostitutes to share with his mates every other weekend. What he did is an indication of the sort of person he is.

He could be, but so could any man
Irrespective of their answer... How would you know if someone said "no, I've never slept with a prostitute' was telling the truth. You wouldn't!

Of course it doesn't make it right, but the fact he answered the way he did makes it far less likely that he's still regularly sharing prostitutes! A man who did that would almost certainly have just denied it flat out!

Are we ignoring the women who have posted here on this very thread to say that’s exactly what their partners did? They confessed to a one off when the truth was it was many times.

Holscgnmusch · 03/08/2023 12:23

TheoTheopolis23 · 03/08/2023 11:41

What?

Show quote history

Can you read?

idrinkandiknowthings · 03/08/2023 12:36

It wouldn't necessarily bother me, although I'd want him to be tested for STI's.

Most adults have a sexual past and this lady was simply providing a service.

QueefQueen80s · 03/08/2023 12:52

idrinkandiknowthings · 03/08/2023 12:36

It wouldn't necessarily bother me, although I'd want him to be tested for STI's.

Most adults have a sexual past and this lady was simply providing a service.

🤢

monsteramunch · 03/08/2023 13:16

idrinkandiknowthings · 03/08/2023 12:36

It wouldn't necessarily bother me, although I'd want him to be tested for STI's.

Most adults have a sexual past and this lady was simply providing a service.

But a punter can't know if the woman they're paying for sex is or isn't coerced, trafficked or abused. There's no way they can know for sure.

They're willing to take the risk on order to pay for sex on demand.

Whether or not you see it as a 'service' surely you can see how problematic it is that a man is willing to take that risk? What does it say about his attitude towards women? Towards vulnerable people in general?

Decent men don't take that risk.

TheoTheopolis23 · 03/08/2023 13:27

Holscgnmusch · 03/08/2023 12:23

Can you read?

Show quote history

I'm pretty sure, with a degree and 2 hnd:s, that I probably can .... I mean, I think so, duuuh

I'm just wondering what the fuck the relevance of your post was ... When you quoted mine.

TheoTheopolis23 · 03/08/2023 13:29

Most adults have a sexual past

Yes but most adults' sexual past doesn't include prostitutes they tag teamed with their mate.

Yusay · 03/08/2023 13:33

Mumsnet will always, always vote for you to ditch your partner. “He left the loo seat up?! He has no respect for you, dump him now!!”

What matters here is how you feel about it. I haven’t slept with a prostitute, but I have mistakes in my much younger past that I’m ashamed of, and if someone in my life now knew of them and used them as a reason not to be with me, I’d think they were a right unforgiving judgemental dick 👀

My brother when young once slept with a prostitute, after then, he’s been happily and faithfully married for 20 years. My friend worked as a high end prostitute for a few years and made a shit load of money, I wouldn’t particularly think well of the men she slept with, but I don’t think they’re all doomed to be single forever either.

It’s your call but I hope you don’t let this thread upset you or spoil your relationship. It’s a very good sign for the future that he was this honest with you.

TheoTheopolis23 · 03/08/2023 13:36

I think I'd actually be happier someone who fucked his way around Europe, did BDSM, and had a bi fling, went to swinging clubs, participated in orgies, whatever......as long as everyone was a fully and freely consenting adult with no money involved.

Paid consent is not consent. Viewing others and their bodies as commodities to be bought & used, does not speak well of the character of a man. Viewing sex as a consumable - same.

And the indifference/willingness to take a risk in the circumstances of the prostitute (an industry soaked in exploitation, criminal gangs, drug use, women with deprived and abusive backgrounds, sometimes outright trafficked women) ..... That's another line.

Naunet · 03/08/2023 14:26

idrinkandiknowthings · 03/08/2023 12:36

It wouldn't necessarily bother me, although I'd want him to be tested for STI's.

Most adults have a sexual past and this lady was simply providing a service.

Oh look, another mind reader who seems to know this woman wasn’t trafficked and was joyfully providing a service. Amazing skills 🙄

Naunet · 03/08/2023 14:27

Yusay · 03/08/2023 13:33

Mumsnet will always, always vote for you to ditch your partner. “He left the loo seat up?! He has no respect for you, dump him now!!”

What matters here is how you feel about it. I haven’t slept with a prostitute, but I have mistakes in my much younger past that I’m ashamed of, and if someone in my life now knew of them and used them as a reason not to be with me, I’d think they were a right unforgiving judgemental dick 👀

My brother when young once slept with a prostitute, after then, he’s been happily and faithfully married for 20 years. My friend worked as a high end prostitute for a few years and made a shit load of money, I wouldn’t particularly think well of the men she slept with, but I don’t think they’re all doomed to be single forever either.

It’s your call but I hope you don’t let this thread upset you or spoil your relationship. It’s a very good sign for the future that he was this honest with you.

I love the suggestion that you’d definitely know if your brother ever cheated on his wife 😂

Namechangedforthis25 · 03/08/2023 14:31

Even if he was stupid whilst young and didn’t think about the poor woman possibly being trafficked etc

What makes this super seedy for me js that he ordered it with his friend and they both “used” her one after the other. That is disgusting, sleazy, slimy - just yuk. That in itself shows a complete lack of regard or this woman as a person - she was literally an object

and I don’t think a disgusting person (especially one who is already in his 30s) can change

Holscgnmusch · 03/08/2023 15:13

TheoTheopolis23 · 03/08/2023 13:27

I'm pretty sure, with a degree and 2 hnd:s, that I probably can .... I mean, I think so, duuuh

I'm just wondering what the fuck the relevance of your post was ... When you quoted mine.

Show quote history

Ok, here goes. If you click on ‘Show quote history’, the thread unravels and you can see what the poster is responding to. Hope that helps.

Good for you that you are so excited about having a degree ☺️👏

Rathouse · 03/08/2023 15:42

@Yusay absolutely agree. Even porn is a taboo on here. Poor OP I can't see how this thread will help although if she's not new these responses were to be expected...

AbraKedavra · 03/08/2023 15:44

ClaraBourne · 03/08/2023 02:58

Big differnce putting you hand in soil /down a loo to a penis in your vagina or mouth.

What a despicable comment. I don't see women being trafficked to be gardeners.

I have done lots of piad work doing cleaning but none of them involved sex work against my will.

I despair.

You have completely missed the point, as have some other posters.

The claim was that if you only agree aka consent to do something, you are not actually consenting. Especially if the thing you're doing is unpleasant.

To that I made the point that all services are done by a person with their body, who is only doing it because they're getting paid. Very often it's quite unpleasant work (unblocking sewers). Many times the only two options the worker has are either work or starve and be made homeless.

Yet we don't see that as an issue. As a society we accept as long as the transaction is mutually agreed upon by both parties, and each ones boundaries and prices are respected, we consider it consensual and ethical.

Now while the actual work of serving in a café is quite different to getting someone off, they still have the shared inherent attribute of being a mutually agreed upon transaction.

My argument is essentially that in every other are of our lives consent can indeed be bought.

BTW I also pointed out that everyday consensual sex often has a certain transactional element to it. How many times does a woman cosy up to her partner or go the extra mile because she wants something in return? Yet we still consider that consensual.

In fact nobody would accuse a rich, kind overweight man of rape, when he has sex with his younger, slimmer and more beautiful wife. Even if part of the reason she is with him is for his money.

Rainydays777 · 03/08/2023 16:14

AbraKedavra · 03/08/2023 15:44

You have completely missed the point, as have some other posters.

The claim was that if you only agree aka consent to do something, you are not actually consenting. Especially if the thing you're doing is unpleasant.

To that I made the point that all services are done by a person with their body, who is only doing it because they're getting paid. Very often it's quite unpleasant work (unblocking sewers). Many times the only two options the worker has are either work or starve and be made homeless.

Yet we don't see that as an issue. As a society we accept as long as the transaction is mutually agreed upon by both parties, and each ones boundaries and prices are respected, we consider it consensual and ethical.

Now while the actual work of serving in a café is quite different to getting someone off, they still have the shared inherent attribute of being a mutually agreed upon transaction.

My argument is essentially that in every other are of our lives consent can indeed be bought.

BTW I also pointed out that everyday consensual sex often has a certain transactional element to it. How many times does a woman cosy up to her partner or go the extra mile because she wants something in return? Yet we still consider that consensual.

In fact nobody would accuse a rich, kind overweight man of rape, when he has sex with his younger, slimmer and more beautiful wife. Even if part of the reason she is with him is for his money.

Show quote history

So woefully misinformed. I’ve worked as a sex worker and I can assure you, it’s NOT the same as other unpleasant jobs. And it’s not the same as normal relationships even if there is arguably a ‘transactional’ element. Having a stranger literally invade your body is not the same as unblocking a drain. Sorry.

the other point is this is almost exclusively an issue for women, who make up the majority of sex workers. Personally I don’t think having men use your body as a sex toy should be something people feel they have to do to survive.

Rainydays777 · 03/08/2023 16:23

And further to the above, if there was no male demand, or men who thought it was acceptable to buy women’s bodies, there would be no supply - no women thinking it was their only viable option, maybe they’d actually be seen and start seeing themselves as more valuable than their respective body parts.

QueefQueen80s · 03/08/2023 16:28

@AbraKedavra Your attitude is horrific and so very depressing. Please don't listen to this anyone!

Mycuprunnethover · 03/08/2023 16:42

Rainydays777 · 03/08/2023 16:14

So woefully misinformed. I’ve worked as a sex worker and I can assure you, it’s NOT the same as other unpleasant jobs. And it’s not the same as normal relationships even if there is arguably a ‘transactional’ element. Having a stranger literally invade your body is not the same as unblocking a drain. Sorry.

the other point is this is almost exclusively an issue for women, who make up the majority of sex workers. Personally I don’t think having men use your body as a sex toy should be something people feel they have to do to survive.

Show quote history

Yes. Plus I doubt unblocking sewers, working in McDonald's, or gardening leads to quite the same rates of PTSD that prostitution does. They're very high, because it isn’t a job like any other.
I also doubt these other unpleasant jobs increase the likelihood of being raped, murdered or developing a drug addiction in quite the way prostitution does.
There are plenty of areas where we don't allow consent to be paid for in this country. You can't sell a kidney. You can't pay a woman to act as a surrogate for you. Selling sex ought to be the same.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 03/08/2023 16:51

i've always felt sex is the most intimate you can be with another human being, and should be 100% consentual between two people who love eachother. I have a dim view of men who shagged about on one night stands, never mind paying a total stranger! It's only been 5 weeks, walk (run!) away now, before there are real deep feelings there. It's not a "mistake" just beca heuse regrets how its affected his ability to keep women since, and drunk isn't an excuse, and to the PP yes, i do think he deserves for no self respecting woman to ever want to touch him sexually because he paid a prostitute for sex just "once".

SirVixofVixHall · 03/08/2023 16:53

namechangeforthisy · 02/08/2023 17:13

I'm confused by the comments about how weird it is that I asked when the strong consensus seems to be to get rid of him? Why is it bad that I asked then, if it results in finding out something important that might make me want to end the relationship?

And why is is unhealthy to ask? I asked because we were having an open conversation about sex, porn, etc and it came up. I think I have asked some partners before.. not sure if all of them...

I don’t think it is unhealthy to ask, I was just curious as to why you asked ? To me that suggests you had a feeling as to what the answer would be. Also asking tells me that it is something you would be unhappy about, therefore now wanting reassurance that it is ok actually, seems strange.
I have never felt the need to ask DH this for instance.
In answer to your other question, as to whether it is something forgivable or not, personally I could not come to terms with it. Perhaps if he had been very young and influenced by someone older, but even then I think it would be really difficult to get over. Something like that tells you a lot about a person, their attitudes, what they are capable of.
I do believe that as we all make mistakes, then forgiveness is important when someone is truly sorry, but there are some things that I don’t think I could ever get out of my mind , and this is that sort of thing. Along with violence generally against a woman, child or animal, or cruelty.
It sounds as though you are falling in love with him and very much want to frame this as a much regretted misdemeanour. I would say that you need to think about how you will feel about this over time.

JMSA · 03/08/2023 16:55

Strangely, I might be ok if it was an absolute one-off with just him doing it. But I cannot get my head around the friend thing. That is truly gross, even if it was one after the other. Honestly, just the pits. Sorry OP, I appreciate that isn't what you want to hear Flowers

JMSA · 03/08/2023 16:57

Theimpossiblegirl · 02/08/2023 12:12

If he admitted to rape in the past would you continue to be involved with him?
For me, it's the same.

Oh, come on. It's a 'no' from me as well, but honestly, the histrionics on this site at times.
It is not the same.

guineacup · 03/08/2023 17:00

@Naunet

Are we ignoring the women who have posted here on this very thread to say that’s exactly what their partners did? They confessed to a one off when the truth was it was many times.

And are you ignoring those posters who found out their partners were having sex with prostitutes etc. when their partners hadn't previously confessed to anything?

My point is he could be lying, or not telling the whole truth, but so could any man be lying, however he answered the question "have you ever paid for sex with anyone?"

If someone asked me that question, I'd say "no, I've never done that, ever". Would you say in response: "well, how do you know. He might be lying - men lie a lot! He could be having sex with prostitutes all the time for all you know! Therefore because you don't know if he's being honest, you need to ditch him!"

Rainydays777 · 03/08/2023 17:02

Mycuprunnethover · 03/08/2023 16:42

Yes. Plus I doubt unblocking sewers, working in McDonald's, or gardening leads to quite the same rates of PTSD that prostitution does. They're very high, because it isn’t a job like any other.
I also doubt these other unpleasant jobs increase the likelihood of being raped, murdered or developing a drug addiction in quite the way prostitution does.
There are plenty of areas where we don't allow consent to be paid for in this country. You can't sell a kidney. You can't pay a woman to act as a surrogate for you. Selling sex ought to be the same.

Show quote history

I agree entirely. And yes I had C-PTSD as a result. As I said in an earlier post, most sex workers have suffered some form of sexual abuse and for me, selling sex is just a furtherance of that. I wish we had stricter laws about it and stopped glorifying sex work generally as a society.