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Original poster

New man used a prostitute once...

384 replies

namechangeforthisy · 02/08/2023 11:33

I'm in a new relationship and we've become really close had had lots of intimate conversations, especially to do with sex. I feel really safe, cared about and all those positive things about this man. There are no red flags in what I've seen in the time we've spent together or in the sex - which is amazing (5 weeks but multiple dates, few days at a time etc - maybe about 12ish actual separate occasions and spending a couple of days together at a time)

In one of our intimate conversations I asked him if he'd ever slept with a prostitute. He said no and then a few seconds later he said actually he didn't want to lie to me, he's never told anyone else about it but basically yes he has. He's answered all the questions I've asked. It was about 13 years ago (he's now 44) in the UK, after a really drunken night out at 1am and apparently his friend and he went on a website and ordered one, high end, cost around £200 each and they each slept with her (separately, in a separate room but one after the other). Even writing this down I feel like it's awful, disgusting etc.. Ugh..

We've spoken about it a bit and had really mature conversations about it. He is completely ashamed, for all the obvious reasons (and that was how he was telling the story to begin with to be clear - not after any reaction from me), understands that there will be a lot of women pushed into this, not freely doing it etc and just in general he says as soon as he sobered up he felt like it was awful and regretted it. He and the friend have not spoken about it since and nothing like that has ever happened again. He feels like it's one mistake in however many years of having sex and he's never repeated it again since. He seems completely genuine and I have no reason to believe he's lying but ofc it's totally thrown me off.

From his perspective, he massively regrets it but feels like it's one (big) mistake and he would never do it again, hasn't done it since etc. He understands if it's a dealbreaker for me but hopes we can move past it etc. I do feel like he's a genuine really lovely guy and I've got feelings for him and can really seeing it going somewhere. TBH I wish he'd lied to me!

Any thoughts/advice? I'm trying to think if there's anything else I might need to ask him to help clarify how I feel.. or if it's just a wait and see type situation. He had no reason to tell me and I'd never have found out so I do think it's good he wanted to be honest. I feel like I want to carry on seeing him and I guess just be careful and look out for any other red flags but is that foolish?

I guess the main thought I'm thinking in his favour is, if I believe it was a one off, do you believe that someone can do something bad but still be a good person/still deserve forgiveness? On the other hand, some people might just view it as perfectly acceptable between consenting adults..

OP posts:
Loubielou1 · 04/08/2023 14:42

JaukiVexnoydi · 04/08/2023 14:33

I would love it if women could just decide collectively that from now on, no misogynist arseholes, losers and emotionally unavailable pricks would get laid, at all, no matter how good looking they are nor how good in bed. It would do wonders for the ongoing health of the next generation but obviously would mean that quite a lot of us didn't get laid either as presumably the remainder of decent men wouldn't particularly want to be in polygamous relationships.

Show quote history

This is so true!! Haha 😄

Rathouse · 04/08/2023 14:47

Deathbyfluffy · 04/08/2023 09:29

It was a mistake, 13 years ago and I bet a good chunk of those chiming in with the ‘ew, it’s disgusting’ have cheated on a partner or otherwise made some pretty big fuck ups.

It’s all well and good being high and mighty, but it was quite literally over a decade ago. People do bad things, but it doesn’t always mean they’re bad people.

Not something I’d ever do personally, but I’d let it go given how long ago it was.
Willing to get an awful lot of posters have terrible things they’ve done in the closet and not disclosed - at least he was honest!

They would rather be high and mighty...

YouAreNotBatman · 04/08/2023 15:18

JaukiVexnoydi · 04/08/2023 14:33

I would love it if women could just decide collectively that from now on, no misogynist arseholes, losers and emotionally unavailable pricks would get laid, at all, no matter how good looking they are nor how good in bed. It would do wonders for the ongoing health of the next generation but obviously would mean that quite a lot of us didn't get laid either as presumably the remainder of decent men wouldn't particularly want to be in polygamous relationships.

Show quote history

I fully support this idea, but it won’t happen.
Because it would me only a tiny, tiny number of women themselves then would ever be in a relationship.
Good men are so fucking rare.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 04/08/2023 15:22

JaukiVexnoydi
🤣🤣🤣

so true

Siouxiesiouxiesioux · 04/08/2023 20:11

I have never come across the idea of prostitution as transactional rape. Surely many women choose to sell sex? Do any of you remember the English Collective of prostitutes (ECP) a feminist group who campaigned for the decriminalisation of prostitution. I don’t think they would have seen it that way.

*I have just googled ECP and they still exist.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 04/08/2023 20:16

Siouxiesiouxiesioux

erm yeah but
sex trafficking ?
not all prostitution is the same

monsteramunch · 04/08/2023 21:13

Siouxiesiouxiesioux · 04/08/2023 20:11

I have never come across the idea of prostitution as transactional rape. Surely many women choose to sell sex? Do any of you remember the English Collective of prostitutes (ECP) a feminist group who campaigned for the decriminalisation of prostitution. I don’t think they would have seen it that way.

*I have just googled ECP and they still exist.

How can a man know for sure whether the woman he pays for sex is doing so genuinely of her own free will, without any abuse, coercion or trafficking involved?

He can't. So a man who pays for sex is willing to risk contributing to the abuse, coercion, trafficking and rape of women.

Decent men wouldn't take such a risk just to have sex on demand.

TheoTheopolis23 · 04/08/2023 22:40

monsteramunch · 04/08/2023 21:13

How can a man know for sure whether the woman he pays for sex is doing so genuinely of her own free will, without any abuse, coercion or trafficking involved?

He can't. So a man who pays for sex is willing to risk contributing to the abuse, coercion, trafficking and rape of women.

Decent men wouldn't take such a risk just to have sex on demand.

Show quote history

It's really obvious from UK punting reviews to they know pimps and gangs are involved, and that the prostitutes have an "attitude", are clock watching and don't want to do sex acts their booker booked them to do/put on their profile.

In some cases they refer to drug use as well.

They refer to the a punt of English they speak.

These women who don't speak or write English well and are being run by gangs ... Are of course completely free to go and take other work, and not disadvantaged in the UK at all. And when they say to their gang member pimps that they think theyll go work in Tesco, the gang member pimps open the door for them and wish them.all the best, while losing their income stream m.

TheoTheopolis23 · 04/08/2023 22:40

*amount of English

TheoTheopolis23 · 04/08/2023 22:43

The regular punters are well aware of it. Just like punters who become sex tourists by travelling to Thailand are well aware of why there's an endless supply of lovely young women being prostituted. These are men who pride themselves on being shrewd and knowing the score in every other aspect of life; but they somehow have a naivety blond spot in one area only?? Nah.

TheoTheopolis23 · 04/08/2023 22:45

Autocorrect that keeps changing blind to blond wtf

monsteramunch · 04/08/2023 22:57

@TheoTheopolis23

Oh completely, I agree!

I just think it's always worth pointing out to the 'well some sex workers love what they do' commenters that even if that's the case, punters can't know for sure whether it's true for the sex worker they are paying each particular time.

They simply don't care enough about the fact they could be contributing to abuse, coercion, trafficking and rape. And no decent man would take the risk of doing that. So there are no decent men who are punters IMO. And I know in yours too - we are on the same page.

QueefQueen80s · 04/08/2023 23:04

monsteramunch · 04/08/2023 22:57

@TheoTheopolis23

Oh completely, I agree!

I just think it's always worth pointing out to the 'well some sex workers love what they do' commenters that even if that's the case, punters can't know for sure whether it's true for the sex worker they are paying each particular time.

They simply don't care enough about the fact they could be contributing to abuse, coercion, trafficking and rape. And no decent man would take the risk of doing that. So there are no decent men who are punters IMO. And I know in yours too - we are on the same page.

Absofuckinglutely.

newwings · 04/08/2023 23:06

High end? So all the other women on street corners are low end pieces of shit? Sex work is sex work? He was honest, he didn't have to be, most wouldn't.

Siouxiesiouxiesioux · 04/08/2023 23:24

monsteramunch · 04/08/2023 22:57

@TheoTheopolis23

Oh completely, I agree!

I just think it's always worth pointing out to the 'well some sex workers love what they do' commenters that even if that's the case, punters can't know for sure whether it's true for the sex worker they are paying each particular time.

They simply don't care enough about the fact they could be contributing to abuse, coercion, trafficking and rape. And no decent man would take the risk of doing that. So there are no decent men who are punters IMO. And I know in yours too - we are on the same page.

Can you link me to the post where a woman says they love what they do as I haven’t seen any.

Rainydays777 · 04/08/2023 23:53

Siouxiesiouxiesioux · 04/08/2023 23:24

Can you link me to the post where a woman says they love what they do as I haven’t seen any.

Show quote history

Any woman that says they love sex work is deeply in denial.

It is soul destroying.

AgentJohnson · 05/08/2023 06:04

I don’t care how much ‘remorse’ or how ‘drunk’ he was, taking turns renting an orifice is grim beyond words. I bet he’s banking on you thinking his honesty and remorse makes him better, not worse in your eyes.

Newbeginnings90 · 05/08/2023 23:29

No from me.

Had an open mind at one stage because he was very convincing, committed to him, BIG MISTAKE.

lookingforhomemum · 06/08/2023 20:08

namechangeforthisy · 02/08/2023 11:33

I'm in a new relationship and we've become really close had had lots of intimate conversations, especially to do with sex. I feel really safe, cared about and all those positive things about this man. There are no red flags in what I've seen in the time we've spent together or in the sex - which is amazing (5 weeks but multiple dates, few days at a time etc - maybe about 12ish actual separate occasions and spending a couple of days together at a time)

In one of our intimate conversations I asked him if he'd ever slept with a prostitute. He said no and then a few seconds later he said actually he didn't want to lie to me, he's never told anyone else about it but basically yes he has. He's answered all the questions I've asked. It was about 13 years ago (he's now 44) in the UK, after a really drunken night out at 1am and apparently his friend and he went on a website and ordered one, high end, cost around £200 each and they each slept with her (separately, in a separate room but one after the other). Even writing this down I feel like it's awful, disgusting etc.. Ugh..

We've spoken about it a bit and had really mature conversations about it. He is completely ashamed, for all the obvious reasons (and that was how he was telling the story to begin with to be clear - not after any reaction from me), understands that there will be a lot of women pushed into this, not freely doing it etc and just in general he says as soon as he sobered up he felt like it was awful and regretted it. He and the friend have not spoken about it since and nothing like that has ever happened again. He feels like it's one mistake in however many years of having sex and he's never repeated it again since. He seems completely genuine and I have no reason to believe he's lying but ofc it's totally thrown me off.

From his perspective, he massively regrets it but feels like it's one (big) mistake and he would never do it again, hasn't done it since etc. He understands if it's a dealbreaker for me but hopes we can move past it etc. I do feel like he's a genuine really lovely guy and I've got feelings for him and can really seeing it going somewhere. TBH I wish he'd lied to me!

Any thoughts/advice? I'm trying to think if there's anything else I might need to ask him to help clarify how I feel.. or if it's just a wait and see type situation. He had no reason to tell me and I'd never have found out so I do think it's good he wanted to be honest. I feel like I want to carry on seeing him and I guess just be careful and look out for any other red flags but is that foolish?

I guess the main thought I'm thinking in his favour is, if I believe it was a one off, do you believe that someone can do something bad but still be a good person/still deserve forgiveness? On the other hand, some people might just view it as perfectly acceptable between consenting adults..

He wasn't that old when he "ordered" a prostitute with this friend, who he then shared (even more gross). It would be a no from me. I mean, I dumped a guy after he admitted that he went to a strip club once when he was at uni, I was not impressed at all. And, if I'm honest, I think you should get yourself tested for sexually transmitted infections, because he may be lying about how often he actually "ordered" a prostitute. Good luck. x

Laiku · 07/08/2023 04:42

In one of our intimate conversations I asked him if he'd ever slept with a prostitute.
In all my long years I have never even thought to ask anyone this. What the heck made you ask? Even asking this spells disaster, I can't even imagine what you must have felt and thought to even get to that question.

Rathouse · 07/08/2023 05:55

Laiku · 07/08/2023 04:42

In one of our intimate conversations I asked him if he'd ever slept with a prostitute.
In all my long years I have never even thought to ask anyone this. What the heck made you ask? Even asking this spells disaster, I can't even imagine what you must have felt and thought to even get to that question.

Exactly. I'd be shocked if anybody was to ask if I have ever worked as a prostitute WTAF.

IhaveanewTVnow · 07/08/2023 08:37

I’ve never asked anyone that question. I would imagine most people don’t ask that question. Even those on here saying it’s a red flag……have you actually asked that question. As someone above said it’s like asking me if I’ve ever worked as a prostitute?? I would be so insulted.

Monkeylimas · 07/08/2023 10:23

Its easy to bring up in conversation. You don’t directly ask but there’s enough films/tv/literature/popular culture references/people visiting Amsterdam/news articles to cover it in conversation. You have to not shut it down with ‘that’s disgusting’ but be genuinely curious in conversation.

Monkeylimas · 07/08/2023 10:31

But yes I have also asked that question. I’ve never been dumped for asking either 😆. It’s not the same as asking if you have worked as a prostitute. Didn’t someone say 1 in 5 men have used as a prostitute? Even if it’s say 1 in 20 that’s very common. If it’s 1 in 5 it’s likely that most Women have dated a user at some point.

I doubt 1 in 5 or even 1 in 1000 women have worked as a prostitute.

Shesheadingonin · 07/08/2023 10:48

Bet you wish you hadn’t posted now, I feel for you. You probably asked the question not expecting him to say yes. If we don’t ask questions, how are we going to learn about the person we are with? It’s a really tough one because connections are incredibly hard to find, but it is also very early stages for you both so you have time to get to know him even more and see if any other red flags are present. Don’t think too far into the future and just enjoy his company now and keep talking. Sounds like you really don’t want to throw away something which is potentially good so bide your time and see where it leads. Keep talking about it with him if you need to. He has honesty in his favour as so many men would have denied it. It doesn’t matter what other people think, it’s your boundaries not ours.