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Original poster

New man used a prostitute once...

384 replies

namechangeforthisy · 02/08/2023 11:33

I'm in a new relationship and we've become really close had had lots of intimate conversations, especially to do with sex. I feel really safe, cared about and all those positive things about this man. There are no red flags in what I've seen in the time we've spent together or in the sex - which is amazing (5 weeks but multiple dates, few days at a time etc - maybe about 12ish actual separate occasions and spending a couple of days together at a time)

In one of our intimate conversations I asked him if he'd ever slept with a prostitute. He said no and then a few seconds later he said actually he didn't want to lie to me, he's never told anyone else about it but basically yes he has. He's answered all the questions I've asked. It was about 13 years ago (he's now 44) in the UK, after a really drunken night out at 1am and apparently his friend and he went on a website and ordered one, high end, cost around £200 each and they each slept with her (separately, in a separate room but one after the other). Even writing this down I feel like it's awful, disgusting etc.. Ugh..

We've spoken about it a bit and had really mature conversations about it. He is completely ashamed, for all the obvious reasons (and that was how he was telling the story to begin with to be clear - not after any reaction from me), understands that there will be a lot of women pushed into this, not freely doing it etc and just in general he says as soon as he sobered up he felt like it was awful and regretted it. He and the friend have not spoken about it since and nothing like that has ever happened again. He feels like it's one mistake in however many years of having sex and he's never repeated it again since. He seems completely genuine and I have no reason to believe he's lying but ofc it's totally thrown me off.

From his perspective, he massively regrets it but feels like it's one (big) mistake and he would never do it again, hasn't done it since etc. He understands if it's a dealbreaker for me but hopes we can move past it etc. I do feel like he's a genuine really lovely guy and I've got feelings for him and can really seeing it going somewhere. TBH I wish he'd lied to me!

Any thoughts/advice? I'm trying to think if there's anything else I might need to ask him to help clarify how I feel.. or if it's just a wait and see type situation. He had no reason to tell me and I'd never have found out so I do think it's good he wanted to be honest. I feel like I want to carry on seeing him and I guess just be careful and look out for any other red flags but is that foolish?

I guess the main thought I'm thinking in his favour is, if I believe it was a one off, do you believe that someone can do something bad but still be a good person/still deserve forgiveness? On the other hand, some people might just view it as perfectly acceptable between consenting adults..

OP posts:
Deathbyfluffy · 04/08/2023 09:29

It was a mistake, 13 years ago and I bet a good chunk of those chiming in with the ‘ew, it’s disgusting’ have cheated on a partner or otherwise made some pretty big fuck ups.

It’s all well and good being high and mighty, but it was quite literally over a decade ago. People do bad things, but it doesn’t always mean they’re bad people.

Not something I’d ever do personally, but I’d let it go given how long ago it was.
Willing to get an awful lot of posters have terrible things they’ve done in the closet and not disclosed - at least he was honest!

TheoTheopolis23 · 04/08/2023 09:36

Comparing cheating with
using prostitutes is a false analogy.

Rainydays777 · 04/08/2023 09:36

Deathbyfluffy · 04/08/2023 09:29

It was a mistake, 13 years ago and I bet a good chunk of those chiming in with the ‘ew, it’s disgusting’ have cheated on a partner or otherwise made some pretty big fuck ups.

It’s all well and good being high and mighty, but it was quite literally over a decade ago. People do bad things, but it doesn’t always mean they’re bad people.

Not something I’d ever do personally, but I’d let it go given how long ago it was.
Willing to get an awful lot of posters have terrible things they’ve done in the closet and not disclosed - at least he was honest!

Paying to use a woman for sex isn’t really the same as cheating. I think the issue is really whether it belies an underlying misogynistic view of women, which IMO it does. Him and his friend used this poor woman, one after the other. I don’t actually think I could get past that.

but I suspect OP, who hasn’t come back here for a while, will continue to see him.

TheoTheopolis23 · 04/08/2023 09:38

It’s all well and good being high and mighty

It's not high and mighty to be turned off, physically and emotionally by a man who ordered a prostitute like a pizza,(whose circumstances noone can be sure of) and tag teamed her like an appliance with his mate.

That's not high and mighty; that's healthy distaste.

Loopylooni · 04/08/2023 09:54

@CollagenQueen in my post, i said it wasnt for me but my friend and her husband seem like any normal couple and they are happy. Im just putting a different spin on things as had it been me, id have walked at the start if i found this out, but different people do different things.

Masterofhappydays · 04/08/2023 10:10

Loopylooni · 04/08/2023 09:54

@CollagenQueen in my post, i said it wasnt for me but my friend and her husband seem like any normal couple and they are happy. Im just putting a different spin on things as had it been me, id have walked at the start if i found this out, but different people do different things.

Does your friend’s husband still work abroad?
Do they have any daughters?

Loopylooni · 04/08/2023 10:32

@Masterofhappydays no, they havent worked abroad for years. And yes, they have girls and boys both. I can see what you are getting at, and i would also think its weird but i know them both and for them, it was his past.

Masterofhappydays · 04/08/2023 10:37

Loopylooni · 04/08/2023 10:32

@Masterofhappydays no, they havent worked abroad for years. And yes, they have girls and boys both. I can see what you are getting at, and i would also think its weird but i know them both and for them, it was his past.

I wonder how he’d feel if their daughter became a sex worker for men working abroad to have “fun” with. Knowing men purchased her for a duration of time to stick their dicks in her.

I am with you. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t have respect for a man who didn’t have any respect for women. But at least your mate is happy eh

porridgeisbae · 04/08/2023 10:39

I guess the main thought I'm thinking in his favour is, if I believe it was a one off, do you believe that someone can do something bad but still be a good person/still deserve forgiveness?

Of course. I still would have qualms about dating him, though.

billy1966 · 04/08/2023 10:46

category12 · 02/08/2023 18:13

It's not just the exploitation angle, it's grim that he took turns with his friend.

This.

It would change utterly how I viewed him, not just morally.

Many men lead happy fulfilled lives without paying for sex.

Whatever about his honesty, the whole tale is just so grim, I wouldn't be attracted to a man who would behave like that with a friend.....in his 30's!

Jamtartforme · 04/08/2023 10:48

It’s a no from me. Even if just for the ick factor, I don’t want to be with someone who has paid a woman to have sex with him. You won’t be able to forget about it so just bin him

CollagenQueen · 04/08/2023 10:55

How did the one who went 2nd even get aroused, knowing that his mates dick had literally just been there?

Loubielou1 · 04/08/2023 13:01

Loopylooni · 04/08/2023 09:54

@CollagenQueen in my post, i said it wasnt for me but my friend and her husband seem like any normal couple and they are happy. Im just putting a different spin on things as had it been me, id have walked at the start if i found this out, but different people do different things.

The general consensus seems to be that every man whose ever used a prostitute is a deviant who should be outcast from society and forced to be single forever. I had an ex who had lost his virginity to a prostitute. I've also dated someone who went to Amsterdam on a lads weekend and they all went to the brothel. Neither of them were misogynistic abusers who treated me without respect.

I get that OP is in a new relationship and still sussing him out but I wonder how many women have got no idea that their husbands and boyfriends have used prostitutes in the past. Would these women seriously end their relationships if they found out?

BestUseADifferentName · 04/08/2023 13:07

Deathbyfluffy · 04/08/2023 09:29

It was a mistake, 13 years ago and I bet a good chunk of those chiming in with the ‘ew, it’s disgusting’ have cheated on a partner or otherwise made some pretty big fuck ups.

It’s all well and good being high and mighty, but it was quite literally over a decade ago. People do bad things, but it doesn’t always mean they’re bad people.

Not something I’d ever do personally, but I’d let it go given how long ago it was.
Willing to get an awful lot of posters have terrible things they’ve done in the closet and not disclosed - at least he was honest!

She has no idea if it was a mistake or if he is being honest. She barely knows him.

Jamtartforme · 04/08/2023 13:13

Loubielou1 · 04/08/2023 13:01

The general consensus seems to be that every man whose ever used a prostitute is a deviant who should be outcast from society and forced to be single forever. I had an ex who had lost his virginity to a prostitute. I've also dated someone who went to Amsterdam on a lads weekend and they all went to the brothel. Neither of them were misogynistic abusers who treated me without respect.

I get that OP is in a new relationship and still sussing him out but I wonder how many women have got no idea that their husbands and boyfriends have used prostitutes in the past. Would these women seriously end their relationships if they found out?

Show quote history

Yes I would. Not just due to the exploitation issue but the ick factor. Who wants to be with someone so desperate they pay for sex?

Loubielou1 · 04/08/2023 13:20

Jamtartforme · 04/08/2023 13:13

Yes I would. Not just due to the exploitation issue but the ick factor. Who wants to be with someone so desperate they pay for sex?

Show quote history

Really? Even f you had been with a parter for say 10 years and you found out that they had used a prostitute before you met them? You would disregard everything and completely change your view of them?

BestUseADifferentName · 04/08/2023 13:25

Loubielou1 · 04/08/2023 13:20

Really? Even f you had been with a parter for say 10 years and you found out that they had used a prostitute before you met them? You would disregard everything and completely change your view of them?

Show quote history

I found this out after being with my in partner for over ten years and let it go and carried on as usual. Only to find out a year or so later that it was bullshit and he had been sleeping with prostitutes for years at the time he 'confessed' to the thing when he was young.

These men aren't good, upstanding members of the community.

monsteramunch · 04/08/2023 13:39

@Loubielou1

Really? Even f you had been with a parter for say 10 years and you found out that they had used a prostitute before you met them? You would disregard everything and completely change your view of them?

Yes. Because it is so at odds with my moral framework and everything I believe in that it would mean he was fundamentally no longer a suitable or healthy partner for me.

Men are not entitled to relationships from women. You position women who say this is a dealbreaker as saying the men they would dump or reject should be 'outcast from society or forced to be single forever'. That's hyperbolic nonsense and doesn't reflect what people have actually said.

Women and men alike are perfectly allowed to have dealbreakers. This is an unmovable line in the sand for many women because of the fact that men cannot know for sure if a sex worker is coerced, abused or trafficked. Some men are willing to take that risk in order to get sex on demand. Others couldn't take that risk as it is as odds with their moral framework and they prioritise not even potentially harming others if they can help it.

You're fine with people having done it in the past. You're welcome to date them, it's your choice. But you seem shocked that it would be an absolute dealbreaker for many of us even in long term relationships. I'm sure you have dealbreakers / things you simply couldn't get past even with a long term partner, perhaps just different ones.

SirVixofVixHall · 04/08/2023 13:40

BestUseADifferentName · 04/08/2023 13:07

She has no idea if it was a mistake or if he is being honest. She barely knows him.

Show quote history

Also we all have lines somewhere, eg you almost certainly wouldn’t be saying “oh he shared images of the sexual abuse of children, but hey, it was over a decade ago and we all make mistakes…”
For many of us, buying women is that line.

Loubielou1 · 04/08/2023 13:50

BestUseADifferentName · 04/08/2023 13:25

I found this out after being with my in partner for over ten years and let it go and carried on as usual. Only to find out a year or so later that it was bullshit and he had been sleeping with prostitutes for years at the time he 'confessed' to the thing when he was young.

These men aren't good, upstanding members of the community.

Show quote history

We cant know how much he is or isnt telling OP and I'm honestly not defending men who do this but its like anything. Not everyone who does it once keeps on doing it. Both men I know are good members of society.

BestUseADifferentName · 04/08/2023 13:58

Loubielou1 · 04/08/2023 13:50

We cant know how much he is or isnt telling OP and I'm honestly not defending men who do this but its like anything. Not everyone who does it once keeps on doing it. Both men I know are good members of society.

Show quote history

It depends on what you mean by good members of society I suppose. My ex is a very good hands on dad. He works and supports me and our child financially and in parenting and other stuff, still despite us being divorced four years.

I wouldn't trust him in the slightest with regards to matters of the heart/treating women well in a relationship though.

Loubielou1 · 04/08/2023 14:07

monsteramunch · 04/08/2023 13:39

@Loubielou1

Really? Even f you had been with a parter for say 10 years and you found out that they had used a prostitute before you met them? You would disregard everything and completely change your view of them?

Yes. Because it is so at odds with my moral framework and everything I believe in that it would mean he was fundamentally no longer a suitable or healthy partner for me.

Men are not entitled to relationships from women. You position women who say this is a dealbreaker as saying the men they would dump or reject should be 'outcast from society or forced to be single forever'. That's hyperbolic nonsense and doesn't reflect what people have actually said.

Women and men alike are perfectly allowed to have dealbreakers. This is an unmovable line in the sand for many women because of the fact that men cannot know for sure if a sex worker is coerced, abused or trafficked. Some men are willing to take that risk in order to get sex on demand. Others couldn't take that risk as it is as odds with their moral framework and they prioritise not even potentially harming others if they can help it.

You're fine with people having done it in the past. You're welcome to date them, it's your choice. But you seem shocked that it would be an absolute dealbreaker for many of us even in long term relationships. I'm sure you have dealbreakers / things you simply couldn't get past even with a long term partner, perhaps just different ones.

That's not what some posters are saying though. Yes, some are saying the same as you - I wouldn't go there but you make your own mind up and that's fine. Some seem to think he's a bad person and that nobody should entertain him. In which case he is being thought of as an outcast and he would be single forever.

Loubielou1 · 04/08/2023 14:22

SirVixofVixHall · 04/08/2023 13:40

Also we all have lines somewhere, eg you almost certainly wouldn’t be saying “oh he shared images of the sexual abuse of children, but hey, it was over a decade ago and we all make mistakes…”
For many of us, buying women is that line.

Show quote history

Its not that I dont understand your point of view its more that I don't agree with it.

JaukiVexnoydi · 04/08/2023 14:33

Loubielou1 · 04/08/2023 14:07

That's not what some posters are saying though. Yes, some are saying the same as you - I wouldn't go there but you make your own mind up and that's fine. Some seem to think he's a bad person and that nobody should entertain him. In which case he is being thought of as an outcast and he would be single forever.

Show quote history

I would love it if women could just decide collectively that from now on, no misogynist arseholes, losers and emotionally unavailable pricks would get laid, at all, no matter how good looking they are nor how good in bed. It would do wonders for the ongoing health of the next generation but obviously would mean that quite a lot of us didn't get laid either as presumably the remainder of decent men wouldn't particularly want to be in polygamous relationships.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 04/08/2023 14:40

This thread has been busy

it’s a tricky one as I’ve worked in the sector (not for sexual work though ) , my sibling did something once also when young

so I find it hard to judge a youthful misguided error , if that’s what it was
op can assess this herself

im not minimising it but how I feel about it at my generation x age (and with learning )

is far more developed and nuanced than when i was in my in my teens and 20s