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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out H is cheating

419 replies

SensetheTone · 01/08/2023 22:30

Long-term poster but name changed for this.

To cut a long story short - we’re on holiday with our two DC and I have just found out my husband of ten years has been cheating with a work colleague for the past three months. I had to catch him out (via messages on phone), he didn’t confess. I am all over the place, and also dealing with two very confused children, one of whom has grasped what is going on and is really upset. I don’t know what to do next and was hoping for a handhold and maybe some tips on moving forward. I don’t think I want to carry on as I can’t see how I can ever trust him again but am just overwhelmed by the idea of splitting up - we’ve been together for half of my life.

OP posts:
Silvers11 · 06/08/2023 09:46

Thinking of you @SensetheTone . It will be hard, but he sounds like a complete A**e and you can get through this. So sorry this has happened to you

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 06/08/2023 09:56

Jesus he really has a brass neck doesn't he?

Get rid!

Crikeyalmighty · 06/08/2023 10:21

@SensetheTone -- ooh that's very familiar. My H after 6 weeks asked how long he had to wear a hair shirt for and said 'if you keep thinking about it etc, etc and at one point said- you want me to grovel don't you.

We did stay married but I do struggle to understand this idea that you can just sweep it under the carpet and miraculously then feel 100% about them again- they are bloody deluded

Dixiechickonhols · 06/08/2023 10:36

What a deluded idiot. It’s all on him. Your children were there so he knows you couldn’t say anything back.
Stick to your plans, talk to friends and family now you are home. Good luck with the legal advice.
Don’t let him minimise this. It sounds like he’s going down the it was just sex it didn’t mean anything you chose to break up our happy family narrative. It’s so pathetic.
I was driving in a motorway yesterday and thought somewhere there a woman going through one of the most difficult journeys of her life, but you’ve done it and you will come out other side in a better place.

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 06/08/2023 10:40

Op when I filed for divorce I didn't tell dh for 2 weeks. Gave me a chance to get my head together and sort out some financial help. I knew he would have taken everything otherwise.. See a solicitor and give an official date of separation.. Dh doesn't have to know or agree to that. Ask for a financial separation order. If he racks up debt it won't be yours...

Dixiechickonhols · 06/08/2023 10:41

I’m so angry for you. The sheer brass neck. The children he was ignoring to message her on holiday. He could have still seen his children on holiday too - he had a car, no offer to take them out for a day. That would have been too difficult, thinking of something to do, caring for them and responding to their emotions and possible questions.

Good he’s moving out.

Beaverbridge · 06/08/2023 10:48

Who does he think he is?!. Cheeky bastard, he sets off a grenade under your marriage and family and dares to call you miserable. Very best of luck tomo with solicitor. We, re all rooting for you.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 06/08/2023 10:49

and he said things like “if you keep going over it in your head it will make it worse for you”

Oh yes. The 'we can't move on if you keep thinking about this' script. Note how it's being subtly reframed as all your responsibility to deal with this in the manner he deems best.

billy1966 · 06/08/2023 10:53

He is truly awful.

No surprise.

Keep your cards close to your chest.

Do NOT expect decency from him.

He really will be no loss to you and I think increasingly you will realise it.

Good legal representation is priceless in this situation.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 06/08/2023 10:58

OT but learning about DARVO from this site was very useful at work, as well. I could actually see it in operation with my manager when I raised an issue.

With ex mine was 'Well you brought it on yourself!' one of those moments when you look at someone and think 'I've just spent two years of pain and anguish on you and after that now all I feel is contempt.'

InSpainTheRain · 06/08/2023 11:12

I'm so sorry OP, that conversation you updated on (re being in the car) is awful on his part. Saying you are "miserable" when he's the one who has cheated is honestly outrageous. I am pleased for you that he's moving out, I think it may be easier for you to get used to the new normal with him going. Don't be bullied into accepting this - everything that is happening is the result of HIS stupid actions, not your. Over the next week I'd be getting paperwork together and seeing a solicitor for a divorce. Stay strong for yourself and you kids.

Oldwobblechops77 · 06/08/2023 11:16

Crikey op. Singing along to the radio
in such circumstances is so disrespectful and crass. You would think that he’d have the decency to feel even slightly ashamed about his behaviour and splitting up his family but no… he really is full of his own entitled and arrogant delusions … how horrible for you.

I think his words are quite revealing actually and helpful for you because you now know:

  • he is definitely no longer your friend
  • he is already framing this in his own mind that you are keeping him from his dc
  • he is blaming you for wanting to “go over it”
  • he is feeling confident and boosted up by his own apparent attractiveness

All of that means that you need to be as icy and cold and ruthless in your response as possible. Even if that is not in your nature. You will really need to fight for your side of things as he doesn’t have the capacity for decency. I am so glad that you have the solicitor’s appointment.

BlastedPimples · 06/08/2023 11:20

@op, yes. Watch out for DARVO. It is very effective. Very tricky to manoevre against it. If he pulls that shit, don't engage with it.

@JFDIYOLO but how does one respond effectively to DARVO? The article says it's really difficult to counter it. And it is.

For example, My stbexh assaulted me and verbally abused the dcs - all recorded - then when the recordings were revealed, he took, or says he took a load of ibuprofen, claimed he'd tried to commit suicide and 💥, all his abuse was forgotten.

Dixiechickonhols · 06/08/2023 11:35

It might be worth writing in a journal then if you are tempted to think is it me or react to it look back at all the crap he’s said.
I think the he’s not your friend and he’s definitely not on your side is what to keep in mind.
You wouldn’t treat anyone like he’s treated you.
If you’d been shagging Dave from accounts while he juggled the two children and all their activities/school stuff and bought clothes and packed for hols then when called out swanned off for 4 days to a nice hotel leaving him to care for two little children in a foreign country with no car there’s no way he’d be smiling and chatting away when he saw you. He’s minimising and totally deluded.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 06/08/2023 11:42

He’s minimising and totally deluded

It's talking the little woman around and convincing her that it wasn't so bad really and if it was it's probably because of her reaction. The idea is to head off any daft ideas she might have about divorce so he can carry on with his nice life as if nothing happened.

Whiskeypowers · 06/08/2023 11:46

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 06/08/2023 10:49

and he said things like “if you keep going over it in your head it will make it worse for you”

Oh yes. The 'we can't move on if you keep thinking about this' script. Note how it's being subtly reframed as all your responsibility to deal with this in the manner he deems best.

Spot on

@SensetheTone he is a desperate scumbag. He’s going into self preservation / status quo preservation and part of that is attack is the best form of defence. Ignore all his deluded righteous indignation. He is all talk: he’s well and truly proved who he is already. Game over.

you are doing really well.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 06/08/2023 11:50

you are doing really well

Indeed you are. You've reached the place it took me two years to arrive at.

Peachy2005 · 06/08/2023 12:05

Stay strong @SensetheTone !

The problem is if he convinces you to stay together or give it one more try “for the sake of the kids”, you will be expected to completely forgive and forget and any mention by you of his infidelity will be used as a stick to beat you with (as PPs have mentioned). He gets to completely frame any future marriage breakdown then as your fault to everyone he knows. You will also be expected to resume marital sex as if nothing happened.

I know a few friends who stayed together in your situation because the kids were young. It was a huge mistake because the men expect a completely clean slate with no hard feelings and the women bear the burden of trying to swallow their resentment and usually wish they had just made the break when it was undeniably ending the marriage due to the betrayal of the affair - as opposed to ending the marriage because “she can’t forgive the affair she said she would forgive and keeps beating me round the head with it….poor me!!” I know both are valid reasons to end things but the women seem to feel a lot more trapped and unable to end things in the second scenario.

i hope you make the best choice for you and your kids xx

larkstar · 06/08/2023 12:15

Perhaps it's worth changing any passwords that he might know of ones that are stored in any browser you may have you used to prevent him from seeing any conversations you might be having - emails, messaging - about any plans or actions you might be making or taking.

It seems he just doesn't "get it" at all. He's a lost cause already isn't he?

Sorry to hear you are going through this - you can make a much better life for yourself and your kids - my mother made the mistake of staying but with three kids under the age of 13 and a low paid (part-time) job I think I understand why. He only ever cared about himself.

JFDIYOLO · 06/08/2023 12:41

This article contains practical advice on dealing with it:

Learn as much about it as possible so you recognise it instantly and can describe it confidently to others

Stay cool and avoid arguing - avoid giving any 'you're crazy/abusive' ammunition

Be firm but brief - restate what he did in a calm controlled way and refuse to be pulled down into arguing

Gather and keep evidence - texts, social media, letters, what's app, record phone calls - help you resist gaslighting and counter accusations it was all your fault

Maintain your reputation - do the right thing, behave better, when he goes low, you go high. Resist temptation to slag off, undermine, influence your children. Be the better person.

https://www.marriage.com/advice/domestic-violence-and-abuse/darvo-relationship/

What Is DARVO Relationship and how Can It Be Resisted?

As awareness of narcissism spreads, people are also calling attention to the DARVO relationship. Learn all about this relationship type here.

https://www.marriage.com/advice/domestic-violence-and-abuse/darvo-relationship

Andywarholswig · 06/08/2023 13:53

God what an absolute knob - he is just deluded. You are doing so well OP to keep your cool
and not rise to his extreme selfishness.

ANON1780 · 06/08/2023 14:03

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nonmerci99 · 06/08/2023 14:11

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Uh, this is a bizarre and needless contribution to this thread.

badhappenings · 06/08/2023 15:26

He should be on his knees grovelling.

I'm sorry, but it seems evident the self-centered and arrogant man doesn't seem to care much let alone treasure you or your DC's.

It will be his loss in the very end