Page 13 | Just found out H is cheating

SensetheTone · 2023-08-01T21:30:33+00:00

Long-term poster but name changed for this. To cut a long story short - we’re on holiday with our two DC and I have just found out my husband of ten years has been cheating with a work colleague for the past three months. I had to catch him out (via messages on phone), he didn’t confess. I am all over the place, and also dealing with two very confused children, one of whom has grasped what is going on and is really upset. I don’t know what to do next and was hoping for a handhold and maybe some tips on moving forward. I don’t think I want to carry on as I can’t see how I can ever trust him again but am just overwhelmed by the idea of splitting up - we’ve been together for half of my life.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/08/2023 14:47

I have been non-committal to H and told him he needs to go away and think about what he is prepared to do and what he thinks is necessary to rebuild the trust he has shattered. Meanwhile I have my solicitor’s appointment on Monday which will arm me with more information about my options

FWIW OP I believe you're doing exactly the right thing, both in getting proper professional advice and especially asking what he's prepared to do in any attempt to rebuild things

Obviously nothing he suggests commits you to anything, but a mistake many of us make is to think "Why wasn't I good enough?" and to focus on what we can do to repair a relationship, when actually the main responsibility is his to accept (or not as the case may be)

And not to put too fine a point on it, it really does sound as if he picked the wrong woman to mess with

Dixiechickonhols · 04/08/2023 14:49

You honestly sound like you’ll be absolutely fine on other side.
Is he expecting to go back to your shared home on Saturday then back to work (and her) Monday 🤢
I can understand curiosity to find him even if you don’t contact him. Have you tried looking at her LinkedIn?

CaveMum · 04/08/2023 14:52

If your H wants to be open and honest and “do whatever it takes to win you back” (excuse me while I scoff!), ask to see his call log and messages/WhatsApps/emails over that 48 hour period. If he refuses it will tell you everything you need to know.

Dixiechickonhols · 04/08/2023 15:16

It could also be via teams or whatever internal system they use as they are colleagues so I wouldn’t take no messages via phone to mean no contact.

Original poster

SensetheTone · 04/08/2023 15:52

Dixiechickonhols · 04/08/2023 15:16

It could also be via teams or whatever internal system they use as they are colleagues so I wouldn’t take no messages via phone to mean no contact.

I don’t think he would risk that given the relationships at work policy breach situation (too likely to get found out), so any contact is likely to be from his private phone. I agree asking for the phone so I can see messages etc., when we’re face-to-face and he can’t refuse / delete stuff, is a good idea. I will keep that in mind.

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BlastedPimples · 04/08/2023 16:01

Op, I get you might be a bit relieved that he's now saying he's a snake, hates himself etc.

This stage is very common.

I too reckon he spent time trying to persuade ow to leave without success.

No man leaves without someone else waiting in the wings. Now he has nobody when 24 hours ago, he thought he had ow.

You are not second best. You and your dcs are a prize.

Keep strong. Do not reconcile with him. And if you decide you want to, keep him waiting, working hard, not complacent.

And tell whoever you want about it all. It shouldn't be kept secret to spare his blushes and shame.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 04/08/2023 16:28

It’ll be suicide threats next.

Number of men on here I’ve seen threaten suicide there should be a population imbalance by now but they never do it.

If he makes threats like that ring the police for a welfare check.

Dixiechickonhols · 04/08/2023 16:54

He may never had any intention of leaving you or her leaving her H, it was their fun on the side and you finding our has put spanner in works at least for now.
I wouldn’t assume he’d be sensible enough not to use work messenger I’ve seen it at law firms I’ve worked at..so called educated professionals, all common sense seems to go out of window.

rainbowlou · 04/08/2023 17:12

I know exactly what you mean about wishing he said she was the love of his life.
when my husband cheated the worst thing he could say was that it meant nothing and she was nothing to him.
So wtf did that make me, he didn’t get it when I said how shitty you’ll throw away your marriage for something so meaningless.
You sound strong, stronger than I was and I took him back. I’ve never been the same since. Our marriage isn’t the same and quick frankly I lost my spark that day and have struggled to get it back.
Put yourself and your children first. Have some space from him and well done for already making steps to seek legal advice.
good luck x

FancyFran · 04/08/2023 17:43

Hum.
I am not a wronged wife but six of my friends/ family are. My mother's OW was a 15 Yr old girl!
I am a legal graduate and my family are lawyers (non family lawyers as they are nuts in their opinion!).
So it is your choice to stay (and I think you will, I have a clinical psychology daughter, we even debate mumsnet!).
I can't help you but I have wished you luck for the last five days. Your circus, your monkeys!
Good luck x.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/08/2023 17:50

I agree asking for the phone so I can see messages etc., when we’re face-to-face and he can’t refuse / delete stuff, is a good idea

It might have been, except he's probably already thought of that and deleted things accordingly

You may as well face the fact that you're very unlikely to ever know the whole of it, OP, and just make your decisions on what you already know - which would completely justify divorcing him if that's what you wish to do

Dixiechickonhols · 04/08/2023 17:55

Something else to think about is booking an STI check, you don’t want your health potentially affecting because of his behaviour.

whatamess100 · 04/08/2023 18:14

He's a weak shit head, I've been thought the same. Just to forewarn you, everything will be deleted the second you found out he would of deleted everything.

TheWernethWife · 04/08/2023 18:53

My daughter always says the men are led astray by their dicks, she call it being led by Mr Winky

Mari9999 · 04/08/2023 21:09

@SensetheTone
Why are you trying to track the husband down.He apparently knew before you did, and he does not appear to be seeking you out? Clearly, he is making his decisions without needing to play Sherlock. Do you think that there is anything that he can tell you that will make this situation any better?

Preserve your dignity and function on the basis of what you know. He cheated, and knowing where,when, or how often is not going to make you feel any better, and the courts will have absolutely no interest in that sort of information.

If is so sad to see women tormenting themselves by playing Sherlock. No one has to wear a scarlet letter anymore, and really no one is interested in the prurient details.

He cheated and got caught pretty much sums it up. He was not really intending to do anything to you or your kids buy; he was intending to do something for his pleasure.

Let him go or seek therapy if you decide to stay with him. Some couples manage to survive infidelity and come to realize that the infidelity was just one of many problems within the marriage. Others divorce, but no one dies because of divorce. They are many things, but they are not fatal. So you might as well stop looking for evidence and details and start planning for the next phase of got life.
If you want to play Sherlock , use that talent to find financial records . Knowing where you financial records are located will serve you much better than knowing where he had sex with the other woman.

YesitsBess · 04/08/2023 23:13

@Mari9999 PP suggested she might use this thread as somewhere to 'dump' thoughts that might arise without acting on them.

She's doing that and acting accordingly. And even if that weren't the case, and 'nobody has to wear a scarlet letter anymore' she has the right to act as she sees fit for her own situation.

This laissez-faire Parisienne style nonsense is unhelpful at best.

Mari9999 · 04/08/2023 23:28

@YesitsBess
What's best is what gets her to the best place with the least amount of disruption and none of us can say with any certainty exactly what that might be. Hence, we are all offering opinions, observations, and suggestions.

None of us are clairvoyant and can predict where the OP will land. We can only say what we have seen and in some cases experienced and what seemed to be the outcomes Byron those different approaches.

YesitsBess · 05/08/2023 00:04

Yeah Byron is probably a big factor here.

SequentialAnalyst · 05/08/2023 00:10

Although it seemed like a good idea at the time, it probably isn't a good idea to suggest OP puts down her thoughts of things she wouldn't actually do on this thread.

People get muddled.

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/08/2023 00:15

rainbowlou · 04/08/2023 17:12

I know exactly what you mean about wishing he said she was the love of his life.
when my husband cheated the worst thing he could say was that it meant nothing and she was nothing to him.
So wtf did that make me, he didn’t get it when I said how shitty you’ll throw away your marriage for something so meaningless.
You sound strong, stronger than I was and I took him back. I’ve never been the same since. Our marriage isn’t the same and quick frankly I lost my spark that day and have struggled to get it back.
Put yourself and your children first. Have some space from him and well done for already making steps to seek legal advice.
good luck x

Same here.

If only he had once said "I loved her, I thought she was worth it". Well of course it would have hurt like hell but at least it wouldnt have been what I got which was "it was just sex, it didnt mean anything".

Turning several lives upside down, throwing a bomb into a family for something that meant nothing is the ultimate insult. If she meant nothing then I meant even less.

Original poster

SensetheTone · 05/08/2023 02:54

Bouledeneige · 02/08/2023 18:15

Dear OP

I am so sorry you are in this situation - I have been too and it feels like the world has caved in and everything you assumed about your relationship, your family and your future has collapsed before your eyes. My DC were 7 and 5 as well - so little and so deserving of comfort and security.

(I really, really wish posters on here would show some compassion and stop throwing mud at OP and other posters about how the 7 year old knew or sensed something was wrong. It cannot be helped. Stop judging and leave OP alone - it's happened and OPs world has collapsed).

My discovery happened behind closed doors but somehow at some point my 7 yr old overheard something. It was horrible for them and later for the 5 year old too - because it isn't about one night it's about a period of time and even if OP your child didn't hear now they will at sone point realise and feel pain.

I'm not presuming what will happen to you. But I'm glad your H has left for now. I know I couldn't bear to be near my XH and I kicked him out straightaway. Then I consulted a divorce lawyer so I could understand all the implications and where I stood and then we went to counselling for a few months to decide our future. Well I decided our future.

But my circumstances were different. XH had an affair for 10 months and then ended it. But when I found out he'd just picked up another woman and started flirty texting with her. It all started to unravel..... and I found out it all. His first response was denial, then disbelief that I'd kicked him out as if he had no appreciation of the risk he'd taken with our relationship and lives. And when we went for counselling he carried on lying and minimising and that's what really did it for me. I lost any belief in his integrity and he was no longer the man I thought I'd married.

A few thoughts - these are early days and you will be struggling - switching between anger, pain and disbelief. You will feel desperate for your children - it will be hard to hold it together but hold them close and love them. Caring for them is what will help you survive.

Next try and be very kind to yourself. Get in touch with people who are really kind and supportive and who are unquestioningly there for you. Sleep when you can, accept offers of help, try to get a bit of fresh air but no worries if you feel like you can't do anything. Try to eat a little when you can stomach it - avoid alcohol it will make you even more exhausted.

Don't be shocked that you want know everything - it will drive you insane not knowing because only him and her know what's happened to your marriage - that's part of the betrayal.

Contact the OW if you want. Of course it's better to manage your communications - at least for your pride - but anything you do right now is completely understandable. I wrote to the OW and told her what I thought of her and then suggested I would be popping in to see her at her place of work. I had no intention of doing so but I liked the thought she was looking over her shoulder. But in the end that's a distraction.

Finally please know that whatever happens you will survive this, you deserve so much better. One day you will will wake up and it won't be the first thing that punches you in the stomach. Right now, it hurts. Let it out, cry yourself a river. It will help you recover. Big hugs OP xxx

Thank you so much - I am sorry you went through this too but your words of wisdom are very comforting. Feeling as though my world has caved in is exactly right. I feel as though my whole life was a lie and everything that happened over the last few months has been fake. And my heart just breaks for my beautiful children who deserve stability, not shuttling between two homes and meeting Daddy’s “new friend”, and who have had that stability ripped away by their selfish lying father (even if I tried to stay together with H, it will never be the same.

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Original poster

SensetheTone · 05/08/2023 03:29

BlastedPimples · 03/08/2023 11:47

Op, I am in awe of your bravery. Horrendous horrendous shock.

I echo pps. He is not your friend. Do not believe a word he says from now on. Assume he's lying and if he's ever not lying, it'll be for purely self serving purposes.

Don't be alone. Make sure you have loving, supportive family and friends around you.

And you know what? Spill your guts to them if you feel the need. Sometimes people need to know the full horror show so they knew exactly what trauma and distress you're enduring and will give you support accordingly.

What might shock you is the friends who back away. That is upsetting. I was assaulted by my stbxh and he was rampaging around, screaming abuse at me and the dcs, absolutely terrifying us all. It was recorded. And still some friends and his family naturally, have actively taken sides.

Gosh I am sorry to hear this - it sounds as though you are well rid. Although the situation is horrific, I did manage to make myself smile a little by thinking that at least if we split I won’t have to spend time with his family any more.

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Original poster

SensetheTone · 05/08/2023 03:30

TenderDandelions · 03/08/2023 13:17

I just wanted to come on and say I almost (but definitely not really) feel sorry for your H. I think he's in for a shock when he realises how angry, determined and strong he has just made you!

I listen to the Scummy Mummies podcast and one of the presenters of that, Helen Thorn, went through similar when she found a love note from her husband. Only problem was, it wasn't addressed to her.

She ended up writing a book about practical stuff, but also the story of her processing it and how life moved on to single parenthood. She's now 3 years down the line and it's really obvious listening to the podcast how much she has grown over the last 3 years. Although hard at times, she loves being a single parent and having control over her life and home again.

Her book is Get Divorced, Be Happy

It might be worth a read.

Lots of love to you OP.

Thank you for the recommendation - I will order the book.

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Original poster

SensetheTone · 05/08/2023 03:43

Dixiechickonhols · 03/08/2023 15:30

Out of interest has he at least messaged to check children are ok?
Bombshell dropped and he’s swanned off to a hotel leaving you with 2 young children (one of which was upset) in a foreign country with no car.
I know you are fine Op and it very much sounds like the children are still having a nice time. But for all he knows you could be unable to function to care for the children - that’s not the actions of a decent dad.

Agreed. To be honest, and having had time to think about it, I don’t think he’s a very good dad. Obviously, no good dad risks his children’s emotional and financial stability by fucking some other woman at work, but even without that he does the minimum for them - leaving me to do all the heavy lifting and “helping out” only when absolutely necessary e.g. when one has a party and the other has football training at the same time. He never helps with homework, does anything for their birthdays, buys them new clothes when they’ve grown out of the old ones, organises trips or outings for them or comes to see their little end of term drama shows or to look at their work at school. The fact that they seem barely to have registered his absence over the last couple of days speaks volumes - they (especially the little one) would be asking about me every five minutes if I wasn’t here.

On the day I found out, when I was talking about turning their world upside down he was really dismissive (“oh lots of children live with separated parents”). I couldn’t believe how much he was under-estimating the impact of his awful behaviour on them. Knowing him, I think it was a defence mechanism - minimising the effect on them to try to stop himself from feeling guilty - but just another example of his extreme selfishness.

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Original poster

SensetheTone · 05/08/2023 03:50

FancyFran · 04/08/2023 07:05

Good morning OP.
1 day left until home.

Does your husband have a 'big job'? I ask because many men use that as an excuse. I have a professional career out earning my DH five times over. I have never had an affair to cope with the stress. I did use to drink a bit too much but I got help. Tbh my husband is still a looker and he's nice. All my friends turn to him for advice. I did have one who was a bit too fond of him but she moved on!
Practical things when you get home, washing on, fridge stocked. See the solicitor and get a quote. Their is a tiger women divorce lawyer my friends have used. DM if you are southern based.

And FWIW I think his apology is based around the OW deciding to stay in her marriage. As I said before it is rare a women leaves her children.
Good luck today.

Yes, he does have a “big job”, but he doesn’t seem to be using that as the excuse - however it has enabled him to cover his tracks “working late”, “at client drinks” etc. etc. Such a cliche. I manage to work in a similar field as he does, juggling my PT job with all the kid and house stuff, and not fall onto someone else’s dick with the stress of it.

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