Just found out H is cheating

[SensetheTone]

Long-term poster but name changed for this.

To cut a long story short - we’re on holiday with our two DC and I have just found out my husband of ten years has been cheating with a work colleague for the past three months. I had to catch him out (via messages on phone), he didn’t confess. I am all over the place, and also dealing with two very confused children, one of whom has grasped what is going on and is really upset. I don’t know what to do next and was hoping for a handhold and maybe some tips on moving forward. I don’t think I want to carry on as I can’t see how I can ever trust him again but am just overwhelmed by the idea of splitting up - we’ve been together for half of my life.

@cleanbreak2022

great post!!

Thank you, @cleanbreak2022, and to all the others who have been through similar and have shared their experiences. It is so good to hear that there is light at the end of what seems now to be a very dark tunnel.

H and I spoke on the phone last night and, as predicted and having had his “thinking time”, he is now saying all the right things - hugely apologetic, recognising what a snake he has been and saying he hates himself for what he has done to me and our family, he has ended it with OW, asking if I can see a way to move past the betrayal and what he needs to do. I was non-committal. He is taking us to the airport tomorrow, we’re sitting separately on the plane and I’ve told him to make his own way home (there is a train strike I think so not sure how he will do that - perhaps he can use some of the money he had to splash out on hotels with the OW for a taxi).

I said to him that I couldn’t do anything unless he was completely honest about the affair, how it came about etc. and the worst thing is it was (if he is to be believed, which he isn’t of course) just some grubby little fling, snogging like teenagers at after work drinks and then sneaking off to a hotel. As others have said, a man thinking with his dick. I almost wish he’d turned round and said she was the love of his life and the person he should always have been with - at least then it would be “worth” wrecking our marriage and our family for.

I’m so tired. It’s hard having to pretend for the children all day, but I love whoever said that a triangle is a strong shape - we are a great trio and we will be fine.

Good morning OP.
1 day left until home.

Does your husband have a 'big job'? I ask because many men use that as an excuse. I have a professional career out earning my DH five times over. I have never had an affair to cope with the stress. I did use to drink a bit too much but I got help. Tbh my husband is still a looker and he's nice. All my friends turn to him for advice. I did have one who was a bit too fond of him but she moved on!
Practical things when you get home, washing on, fridge stocked. See the solicitor and get a quote. Their is a tiger women divorce lawyer my friends have used. DM if you are southern based.

And FWIW I think his apology is based around the OW deciding to stay in her marriage. As I said before it is rare a women leaves her children.
Good luck today.

The OW situation is weird. Her DH found out a fortnight ago but she carried on seeing my H after that - yet I assume they weren’t planning to run off into the sunset because he still didn’t tell me. I agree it’s rare for a woman to leave her children.

I’m betting her dh doesn’t know, men end relationships when women cheat but expect us to put up with it because we can’t cope without them.

Bollocks he ended it with OW - if he wanted to end it why didn't he days ago when you found out?

Seems more likely she's decided to stay put / her DH has after a few weeks agreed to take her back on the condition the affair ends, and your H is now left high and dry.

Hence crawling back with his weasel words.

Agree with the other posters - either OW has ended it or she’s told him she’s not going to leave her husband and your H has nowhere else to go.

This is “Part One - Lovebombing” of The Script™️ as referenced earlier in the thread. He will now beg and plead, the full sackcloth and ashes routine, in an effort to get you back where he wants you. When that doesn’t have the desired effect (in his eyes you should be weeping with joy that he has deigned to stay with you) he will move on to “Part 2 - Blame/Anger” where all of a sudden everything that has happened is your fault - why didn’t you pay him more attention/look after yourself more/ insert excuse here.

Be strong, talk to that SHL and show your kids that no one deserves to be treated like this.

recognising what a snake he has been and saying he hates himself for what he has done to me and our family, he has ended it with OW, asking if I can see a way to move past the betrayal and what he needs to do.

Hmm.

'Hates himself' is just him feeling sorry for himself. Not for others. If he truly was focussed on the pain he'd caused then he wouldn't be the primary subject in that sentence using language designed to garner sympathy. Instead the sentence would be focussed on the people he has hurt.

'Ended with OW' - agree with PP that she's told him to jog on.

'Asking if I can see past the betrayal' aka 'how can we pretend this never happened so that the reality of what I've done no longer inconveniences me or makes me feel guilty'. The reality is, you cannot. If even you stay together, he cannot erase what he has done and your marriage will never be the same again because you both will be changed by his actions.

The person who will deliver that killer blow in time, will be one of his children.

Agree with this. My father did this and while we have gone on to have a reasonable relationship, the truth is I Do Not Trust Him. Ever since then his love has always felt transitory and not to be relied on. So I keep him at arm's length. This is not the case with my Mum. Her love has always felt rock solid; the world could crumble and she would still love me. As your love is for your children - it shines through these pages.

I said to him that I couldn’t do anything unless he was completely honest about the affair

Good luck with that, OP - he'll know perfectly well that if he tells you the full story you'll prrobably leave, and if you leave anyway there'd be no point in having told you, so the chances of you getting all the details are prrobably nil

And I agree with others; the "thinking time" no doubt translates to "asking if OW is ready to jump ship with him", and having found out she's not he'll try to preserve what hee's already got

Until the next time ...

I stand by contacting her husband especially if you are considering reconciliation. It may prevent it going underground if both parties are fighting to save their marriage and if both spouses are watching. He may not know and OW has called it off (or it’s gone underground) to stop him finding out. And as he does apparently know your ‘d’h won’t have any issue once he finds out you called him. I wouldn’t tell your husband what you are doing.

Go on surviving infidelity website, the posters will help if you divorce or reconcile. Far less posts than here but the people know their stuff.

Oh and remember he’s not the prize. You are.

RE: kids
My wife was a young child when her dad literally walked out to live with OW, and witnessed her mother in floods of tears begging him to stay. To this day she is traumatised by that. Not, I think by her dad leaving, but by the manner of it, and seeing her mum in that state.
Her dad came back after a few weeks ( I don't know the story there, I think he got leaned on by his quite traditional family to not be such an utter bellend ) and they are still together 30 years later.
My wife's brother has never forgiven their dad for how he treated their mum.
Your kids will make their own mind up, when they're a bit older.
You seem like you're dealing really well with a horrible situation OP, I wish you all the best.

@CaveMum Spot on!

One of dhs colleagues told his ow he'd leave his wife, she could leave her dp and they'd sell their houses and buy one together.

She declined to leave her dp but said if he ever wanted a shag to ring her.

Which I thought was most accommodating of her.

Anyway, he stayed until he found a widow with her house paid off and left his wife for her. She was nearly 20 years older than the wife.

So sorry OP. I would try not to give the OW any headspace. She is a scumbag cheat too so her motivations are irrelevant.

Make sure you tell people. Its very easy to internalise this sort of stuff whereas sunlight is a disinfectant. Its not your shame its his and don't hide it for him.

I forgave an affair. I didn't want to raise my kids on my own and the jury is still out on whether it was the right decision. it is a really personal decision and my instict was to chuck him out and change the locks (I did that too). Be aware that they can be very manipulative and good at saying the right thing.

What was the marriage like before this? Really like?

It really has all hallmarks of her not wanting to leave her H and him left high and dry.
I personally couldn’t entertain forgiving him. You’ll always mistrust him and wonder if he’s late at work etc. You no doubt rushing around and dealing with work and children in busy end of term period while he’s off in a hotel with her is unforgivable. He’s ruined your family holiday. It’s clear by his actions you and dc aren’t his priorities. Nice he’s had time to think while you cope with everything and 2 small children.
You sound like you can make a nice life for yourself and children without him.

His 'thinking time' was spent trying to convince the OW to be with him, and when that failed and the reality of being alone set in, he expressed 'remorse' to you in hopes you'll let him paper over the betrayal and have him back.

Just here to echo what @YourCrackersMiLord said. I tried and failed terribly to forgive and forget. The marriage was never the same, ate me up and messed with my head - I'm a pretty headstrong person and I was crushed. Don't do that to yourself, don't prolong the inevitable. I really wish these men that think with their dicks knew in advance the implications of the dick brain actions.. they can compartmentalise and do so very easily! Women just don't function like that, hence why it's hard to move on from infidelity. I'll bet my house OW doesn't want him .. she's not leaving the marriage for him. Hence him suddenly being so remorseful. Be strong, this was not your doing. Love the triangle thing 🥰

OP, clear as day she has back out of their plans and he has to retiurn to second best until the next time.

His apologies are self serving bullshit.

Bet he gets really nasty when you don't fall at his feet.

Carry on with your SHL.

Taking him back is only deferment of the inevitable.

Remember it will be YOUR time that is wasted by accepting his bullshit, not his.

He will be on the prowl again directly, cheating is only momentarily difficult the FIRST time, after that most men have zero problem taking up any chance that arises.

Its like they suspend their guilt after overcoming it the first time, and crack on thereafter.

You deserve so much better than to be used before the next time.

I tried and failed terribly to forgive and forget. The marriage was never the same, ate me up and messed with my head - I'm a pretty headstrong person and I was crushed

Ditto, rockingbird

As so many of us have said, awful as the immediate circumstances are, it's the longer term agony which can do for us if we try to carry on
Doubtless some manage it and all credit to them, but how they silence that internal voice that says "Is it happening again?" I'll never know

OW has stayed with husband, he, ll have been contacting her from the hotel trying to persuade her. But who cares about those clowns. Use him for help getting to airport, bags etc. Keep your powder dry, let him wonder what You are going to do. You sound amazing and as another poster said. A triangle is indeed a strong shape. Hope he's shitting his pants.

He’s probably also shitting himself about work if he’s in position of responsibility and what he’s done against company policy.
I know you said you aren’t going to go there as it potentially affects you/children if you affect his income but he doesn’t know that. He also doesn’t know how she will react if she’s junior and her job at risk plus her husband in mix - she may well hang him out to dry to save her job/marriage.
I always think about the wife when there’s a story about some city solicitor male in Law Society Gazette having acted inappropriately at a party/with a junior colleague etc.

If you take him back, this is what will be going through his head:

Phew. Got away with it. She's basically given me the ok to do it again because for her, anything's better than splitting up. Kept the house, the cash, the kids.

And next time I'll be more careful. Super careful about covering my tracks, always on my guard about letting anything slip.

And there will be a next time. Because I've got a habit now. The nice cosy socially approved image-boosting set up of being a family man.

Plus the experience of an exciting, energising bit on the side, and how to get it.

And right now … I'm one down. I've lost out on the naughty bit. I'll be looking around for the next candidate for that bit of my life that I'm probably never going to forget I once had and already miss.

Because you made me give it up.

—---

I'd like to bet the OW's husband didn't know. Because when men find out, all hell breaks out. DH would probably have a black eye by now, and depending on his character, so perhaps might she.

I'd also bet his time to himself was not spent dumping her, it was trying to persuade her to dump her DH. And she did the weighing up and said no.

So here you are, second best. The consolation prize. Can't have what he chased, so he'll settle for what he's got. Do you really want that?

Also, you will never ever forget. It will sit there, like a toad on a birthday cake, ruining everything nice. Knowing he cannot be trusted. You'll be on edge forever, checking for lipstick on his collar, mentionitis, odd phone behaviour, changes in manner, dress, interests - everything will become a what if …? Paranoia, suspicion and angst. Every argument it will be brought up again, just below the surface. If he is still working with her, you'll be eaten up wondering what they're talking about right now.

And the apologies, promises, I'll do betters? They're an act. A mask created to deceive and deflect.

Only you can make your choice. But it must be an eyes open reality based understanding of what the future will be like for you and your children if you take him back.

Nope - I definitely typed it correctly!

It's worth a listen! (And I don't have children!!)

Scummy Mummies

I absolutely agree. I just don’t see how it could work if we stay together. He has to do a certain amount of wining and dining as part of his job, and given all the lies and the fact that the OW is working with him, how can I ever stop wondering where he is and who he is with? The idea of having sex with him again is just abhorrent, and I’d be constantly wondering if he was comparing me to her.

I am also suspicious about what went on in the last 48 hours and whether he spent it begging OW to leave her husband. I am trying to track down the H but it’s hard as I don’t know his name (I know her surname, but not sure if she changed it on marriage, and it’s a very common one).

Anyway, as I said I have been non-committal to H and told him he needs to go away and think about what he is prepared to do and what he thinks is necessary to rebuild the trust he has shattered. Meanwhile I have my solicitor’s appointment on Monday which will arm me with more information about my options.