Just found out H is cheating

[SensetheTone]

Long-term poster but name changed for this.

To cut a long story short - we’re on holiday with our two DC and I have just found out my husband of ten years has been cheating with a work colleague for the past three months. I had to catch him out (via messages on phone), he didn’t confess. I am all over the place, and also dealing with two very confused children, one of whom has grasped what is going on and is really upset. I don’t know what to do next and was hoping for a handhold and maybe some tips on moving forward. I don’t think I want to carry on as I can’t see how I can ever trust him again but am just overwhelmed by the idea of splitting up - we’ve been together for half of my life.

Yes you’re right about needing to tell people. H’s reaction to my having told the holiday cottage owners and one friend was telling. He is coming to pick us up for the airport tomorrow (today I guess) and said to make sure we were ready on time as he didn’t want to hang about (presumably in case they see him and say something). It’s all about him. I just said that it wasn’t my responsibility to protect him from the consequences of his actions and he can’t expect me to keep quiet because he is feeling ashamed and guilty.

You can tell who you see fit!. Cheek of him. He should be kissing your feet just now if he's really remorseful!. He, ll be hoping it's got away with it. Little does he know. Safe travels lovely.

Hi OP,
Hope your journey home goes ok. You sound brilliant and I know that there will be wobbles but your moral compass is wonderfully intact (unlike his) and so is your sense of humour. I bet you’ve got some great supportive friends - they will come in handy. And of course he wants you not to tell people - oh no, jeez he might feel ashamed and uncomfortable! I’m very glad that you pointed out that it is his shame, not yours. Keep going with that. I bet he’s not planning on telling anyone and was hoping you’d keep schtum and go quietly mad. Nah mate, not doing that.

Love the fact also that your H feels he can call the shots with picking you up in the car today as if he is somehow ‘put upon Dad’. Not a good look. Maybe he will harrumph at the weight of the suitcases or similar? Poor chap!

I’m sure the sadness will hit you in waves, but today’s not the day for it. You’re doing a great job for your DCs. Stay strong, get home, chuck him on the sofa/send him home to his mum and collapse accordingly. Sending you all my sisterly vibes.

Good luck today. It's raining here in Blighty. Joy, but at least you won't be worrying about your plants!
Keep your pecker up and practice a Paddington stare.

Yep, tell everyone - let him live with the consequences of his actions. He will default to the script with everyone - his family, your friends - "oh it was going wrong for a while, we haven't been getting on" - some such shit

And get him to leave the house. The next thing he will do is get a lawyer who will tell him to play hardball and move back in etc.

This is where you will see WHO he is.

Try to make this relationship over for you I promise it will get better.

Good luck OP.
Things will be better for you in the long term and worse for him. Maybe years down the line he will realise how pathetic he is, or maybe he'll never realise. But you will have a much better, honest life.

Hope the journey home goes well. It sounds as though you’re getting angry now - that’s normal - but be aware of it, don’t do or say anything in anger that you’ll regret later, eg don’t mention seeing the solicitor. Play the long game.

OP, I have recently been through similar, as the initial shock subsides I found it incredibly difficult to control my emotions.
I can honestly say that I'd have never been one to seek out counselling but I got so low that I did reach out through my work well being scheme (maybe DH has similar for family use) I have been seeing a counsellor for a while now and I really look forward to the weekly session to dump/download my frustrations, feelings and emotions. I al9s keep daily log of my thoughts which also helps.
Please see some external help because as the dust/anger subsides it can be hard to keep your head above water as the hollowness of life as a single parent sets in. Trying to stay mentally strong for the DC does take its toll and you need make sure you look after yourself also.
So sorry this has happened to you especially on holiday. Hope you work through it OK.

Op, I think you need to buckle up for what is going to come today. He might well have started to feel remorse, but he will still be deep in denial, still following the script. The shite they come out with at this point is always……illuminating. I absolutely guarantee you he will say…..”yes, it’s my fault, BUT…” and it’s that but that one, will enrage you, but two, will tell you where his head is really at. Try to keep your cool. A good friend of mine in your situation gave her husband a black eye when he said part of the reason he had an affair was because she had bought rather than made his birthday cake - bad enough on its own (is he 12..) but they had 2 year old twins that she was looking after single handedly!!? She is the calmest, most laid back person I know and she deeply deeply regrets loosing her shit in that way. So, try to breathe through today, keep your cool, give him icy polite, show no emotion. That will scare him more than anything. Part of the script involves demonising your wife/husband and also never, ever really thinking about what will happen when you get found out. Today is the day to show him, his loving wife has gone because he has killed the marriage. Good luck op, sending every bit of positivity and strength your way xxx

Dear OP

Good luck today with your travels. I hope it feels like a little bit of relief to get home safe. But it will also start to feel really real and that will be hard too.

im not sure what your arrangements are for once you’re home - I think personally you’d be better not to have him in the house - it will drive you insane. Keep him at arms length and keep the cold hard anger towards him. It will help you make decisions. When this happens it allows you to take a cold hard look at who they are - the stereotype cheater, the shallow sleazy little man, and the crap father and husband who has never stepped up and let you put your heart and soul into the children and making the family tick. When my XH carried out his affair I was shocked that he had the luxury of time to have an affair - I only had time to rush between work and being a mother. My DC are grown now and they both recognise that below the surface he’s still a crap Dad and I did everything - my DD refers to me as the present parent.

My one tip which we didn’t do - is tell the DC together - if you do decide to divorce. It forces your H to face the consequences and own it. We didn’t and so my DS5 thought I had made his Daddy go away - not least because of things his Dad let slip. Just make it very very clear it’s not because of them you love them more than anything.

best of luck OP.

Icy cold demeanour and start telling people calmly exactly how the holiday panned out.

The very worst thing you could do is cover for him, that brings a terrible extra stress on you.

Be honest, this is HIS shame.

Let him squirm.

That is what wounds them most, the exposure.

They really hate to see in peoples faces their distates for them.

Too raw.

You sound like you have dealt with this like a warrior queen , but be prepared to meltdown once you are back to familiar surroundings or when you see your friends & family , as it could be you are running on adrenalin at the moment to cope. Good luck for your journey home.

Good luck for the journey home. Be strong. Be civil (for the sake of the kids) but don’t engage or allow him to try and talk about what he has done in front of the kids - shut him down with a simple “We can talk about that later”.

All the best for a safe straightforward trip home.

Focus on travelling well and don't let him try to engage with you while on the journey - there's always enough to think about while travelling.

Deflect any attempt with 'we will discuss this properly when we are safely home. For now, we need to ensure the children are comfortable and safe.'

Would it be worth getting him to sit separately? So you don't have to look at him and you're not strapped in listening to anything he tries to say.

Use the journey for quiet thinking, maybe making notes and planning strategy, if the children are content.

You're channelling Boudicca for your children right now and over the last few days, but there will be a time when you will need someone being strong for you.

Is there anyone who can come and be there for you in the next few days? Family or friend? Help you carry this weight.

Hopefully you'll have started letting trustworthy people know, because he sure as hell will be planning his own narrative spin.

Safe journey.

Agreed. To be honest, and having had time to think about it, I don’t think he’s a very good dad. Obviously, no good dad risks his children’s emotional and financial stability by fucking some other woman at work, but even without that he does the minimum for them - leaving me to do all the heavy lifting and “helping out” only when absolutely necessary e.g. when one has a party and the other has football training at the same time. He never helps with homework, does anything for their birthdays, buys them new clothes when they’ve grown out of the old ones, organises trips or outings for them or comes to see their little end of term drama shows or to look at their work at school. The fact that they seem barely to have registered his absence over the last couple of days speaks volumes - they (especially the little one) would be asking about me every five minutes if I wasn’t here.
*
On the day I found out, when I was talking about turning their world upside down he was really dismissive (“oh lots of children live with separated parents”). I couldn’t believe how much he was under-estimating the impact of his awful behaviour on them. Knowing him, I think it was a defence mechanism - minimising the effect on them to try to stop himself from feeling guilty - but just another example of his extreme selfishness.*

OP what you wrote above just shows that you and your DCs are merely the necessary appendages of a successful man as far as he's concerned, and he's been getting away with minimum input all this time. Then came the time when he needed the next appendage - a mistress (probably competing with a colleague).

You can do so much better than this man. As a PP said, he's not your friend.

Safe travels Op. Honestly you sound like you and the children will come out of this thriving.
It doesn’t surprise me at all here’s a bare minimum Dad. No doubt he’s been using work as an excuse not to do things but has found time to see and message her, it’s pathetic.

@SensetheTone I feel for you lovely- it's a shock when you realise that actually you are part of their life- not their whole life - and that many find it easy to detach- you are with them and then you aren't. My ex H was mortified when I decided to split 32 years ago, within 9 weeks he had someone else on the go, within 12 weeks she had moved in and I was simply 'no more' - I learnt a big lesson and these days am very cynical at how deep many men's 'love' is.

H said to make sure we were ready on time as he didn’t want to hang about (presumably in case they see him and say something)

The bloody nerve! I don’t think there’s any way of reviving your marriage with this unbelievably arrogant pr*ck, OP.

His first reaction said it all: he told you he needed time to think (ie to check OW was ready to go). No genuinely contrite man says that. He only even pretended to show remorse after two days of trying to persuade OW to jump ship with him.

You would have a miserable time if you stayed with him. And your DC would know, and they would suffer too, before the inevitable final break-up.

Best of luck in the happier new life that awaits you without him.

I was afraid to now having to go forward alone. But then I realised that for years I HAD been doing it by myself anyway . So no loss there .

I did agree to counselling as a long term marriage was involved. He even lied there but it was fun to watch him squirm under questioning . I went with the intention of trying to see if I could get help to deal with what my life was going to be . There was absolutely no way I wanted to reconcile with him. When I saw the things he said and did on his secret second phone , my heart just shrivelled . I could hardly bear to look at him , never mind listen to his pathetic excuses and pleas to let him stay . And I told everyone who would listen what he had done , including our older kids. Not in a nasty way , just stated the facts . No way was I going to let him try and use , the we just grew apart bullshit as if I was equally to blame.

It is hard to navigate your way when you have to also keep your kids from being upset and go to work. I hope you have some good support at home. However , you come across as a thoughtful determined woman and believe all of us who have been through this that you will be OK.

Thanks everyone for the messages of support. The journey home was horrible, especially as in the car back from the airport (kids were asleep) he was trying to make small talk and singing along to the radio as if nothing had happened. When I said I didn’t want to talk, he had a go at me for being miserable! I feel as though he thinks “we’ve had one constructive conversation, that’s it now, time to move on” and he said things like “if you keep going over it in your head it will make it worse for you”. I just don’t think he understands how deep the betrayal is and how angry I feel. He even painted himself as some kind of martyr “I’ve done everything you asked, you cut me out of the holiday with my children” - children he could barely be bothered to spend time with before because he was too busy out shagging and who now are apparently so precious to him. I just hate him. Luckily he has agreed to move out of the house for a while.

What an entitled, smug twat! him not you. Thank fuck he’s moving out, or you’d soon be digging a patio.......

He's a cunt. Turning it round on you and making you seem like the miserable, bad one. HE cut himself out of his family holiday by being an unfaithful, cheating liar. He doesn't give a shit - I hope that has just strengthened your resolve that you're doing the right thing

He really is a complete arse, sorry.

That must gave been an awful journey.

I hope he moves out pdq so you can breathe

Good luck tomorrow with the solicitor. Do not have that conversation with him around (if its a phone call). And lock your phone. I'm glad you got home safely. Talk to your family too if they are strong and healthy.
Lots of posters saying tell everyone that asks about his infidelity but just be a bit careful around vague acquaintances. I live in a gossipy village and we have had a long standing issue with someone who is obsessed with our family (quite nasty tbh) . I recently found out a dear friend had been feeding this person my business. I had been confiding in this woman for twenty years! I'm gutted at the loss of trust.

Very classic minimising on his part - I got much the same. Pleased to hear you've made it home safely. Watch out for the rewriting of the whole sorry mess, the script is a real thing! Complete A-hole. Keep focused and be kind to yourself xx