Wife doesn't want sex

[studyinscarlet]

Was wondering if the mums of mumsnet could give me some advise.

Been married 25 years. We have a loving relationship and 2 kids grown yp. We are both 50. We have not had sex for 5 years. She has gone through menopause and it is not just painful for her, but before menopause she was no longer interested in it. She has tried HRT etvc - no different. All the advice out there talks about communication etc, but we have already discussed the issue for years and she has told me that she definitely doesn't want sex anymore (any form of sex including non penetrative etc.) and does not want to try testosterone gel (another thing that people usually advise). Our relatiknship is otherwise very good and neither of us are having affairs etc. I keep myself in shape and am a nice normal person (uou'll have to take my word on that!)

There is a dead-bedrooms forum on Reddit but all they seem to say is "get divorced" or "get an open relationship". I 100% do not want to get divorced as we both love each other! There is also absolutely no way on God's earth that my wife would agree to an open relationship - trust me. She would also definitely leave me if she ever caught me having an affair (not that I have had an affair - I'm not really into anyone else)

The only other option is to accept celibacy. I am only 50 and always really enjoyed sex - it feels like a bereavement. I know some of you will advise just solo-sexual activities, which is fair enough but it is really no substitute - it's not the climax i'm after but the physical affection/excitement that goes beyond hugging and hand-holding (we do already hug alot)

There might be nothing any of you guys can advise and probably I just need to accept our sex-life has given us 2 kids and now it's reached the end of the road. I just thought i'd put it out there, though, in case there was something I had not thought of.

Its not only sex. I think you are out of order to minimise how OP feels. The wife doesn't want non penetrative sex either. Do you not have sex within your own relationship?

My sex life is not up for discussion. His is all over the internet for all to judge.

He can feel, however, he wants. I feel disgruntled that I’m not living in a mansion, surrounded by Ferraris etc etc. Back in the real world. Men are not entitled to sex.

Sex isn't some sort of reward treat. His own wife should want to fulfill her own sexual needs too.... I mean it obviously isn't there.

@Fuckingfuming1 Your wife has made it very clear where she stands and now it’s your turn. Your wife is entitled to not want sex ever again but she’s in a partnership, which means there will be consequences to that stance.

THIS with bells on.

I absolutely agree with you. But honestly, this is most likely a woman's view of sex, right? Sorry to be so sex essentialist but apart from the odd asexual person I've literally never heard of a man with this attitude.

Back in the real world. Men are not entitled to sex.

I wish there was a like button for this.

I've literally never heard of a man with this attitude.

You’ve led a very sheltered life.

Sexual incompatibility is very common - indeed so common it might be seen as normal. Biologically young women seek out a mate to reproduce with and when that is done they can say goodbye to sex; equally men continue to have the urge to "spread their seed" into old age.

Whilst civilization and medical advances have made changes to this, the fundamental biology does not change.

To be honest, I am surprised that so many relationships find ways to continue into old age. I guess it is because there are a whole raft of things that constitute a relationship, of which sex is just one.

I think you will have to be logical here and write yourself a list of pros and cons to staying in the marriage. It is too simplistic to just leave, because you might not get the sort of sex you want when apart from your wife and you will have chucked away the advantages of being in the relationship. It sounds as though you want more than just a quick shag and that relationship is important to you. You need to think where and how you might achieve this if you left your wife.

As others have said you need to talk to your wife - there has already been some communication as she has stated her position. You need to state yours, when you have done the cost/benefit list of staying or going and come to a conclusion about that.

I can see both sides of this as, at a similar age, my late OH was a total sex pest and the more he pressed the more turned off I became. I could not take my cardigan off on a hot day without getting hungry looks - drove me nuts!

Wow some people on here are very excessive with the sex! Seriously, unexpectedly single mums post was sickening. You give them a bj if you are on your period? I find that funked up that you would do that if you don't want sex and makes me think you are a victim of something in the past.

Which is why I have often said that men and women are completely incompatible 🤣

men have to weigh up what they want more don’t they? A shag once a week or a life with the mother of their children that will be on complicated and drama free versus the alternative. I read the am i being unreasonable bored and I come off it absolutely exhausted reading about all of these blended families and nightmares that seem to present themselves postdivorce. Lots of women probably read it and then go and suck their husbands cock whether they like it or not to avoid that scenario. The OP needs to go and read it and decide whether he could just manage with a couple of wanks after all.

I think you are delusional. There is a difference between sex and being in other ways OP clearly states isn't happening. Their marriage sounds dead to me what's the point? No kissing no touching? A lot of people giving this advice probably aren't going without this basic foundation themselves.

A lot of people give advice on here YET they are not living like this themselves.

Sex for humans, even from evolutionary perspective is about much more then reproduction. That's why unlike other animals we have and want sex even when there is no possibility of pregnancy.
Sex helps couples bond, it releases oxytocin and makes people emotionally closer.
Intimacy with another person can't be replaced by masturbation, because it's about so much more then just physical release.

I would say that if someone decides they don't want any form of sex and refuses to do anything to improve the situation then most likely they checked out of the romantic side of relationship. It's a marriage of convince based on mutal dependency and friendship.

I think you’ve been watching far too many Disney movies. We are nothing but mammals.

These last set of self-taught biologist posts would never have happened if more people bothered to click 'See all' to read all that the OP has written. @Mischance and crew, it's not 'sexual incompatibility' if it's also about caregiving and cheating.

Surely the step between a celibate married life and divorce is marriage counselling?

If you can have an adult conversation as to why sex is of the table (I.E. if PIV sex hurts, why is she no interested in foreplay etc, is she worried it will lead to you pushing for PIV?) you can hopefully find a compromise together.

I agree that the adult thing to do is to push for relationship counselling

there is no other viable or sensible option for them right now

his wife is clearly carrying some baggage from events that might seem minor , but clearly deeply hurt her

op is miserable

they need to invest the time and work this all out

I agree with this. I am constantly surprised at posters who seem to view sex as just a mechanical physical release. It’s not. In a relationship, It’s a relational, bonding experience. It’s that beautiful blending of emotional and physical intimacy and intensity. And that particular expression of bonding is unique to sex.

If the wife no longer wants this, that’s her choice. And one she obviously has every right to assert. But the minimizing of what the H is sacrificing if he stays faithfully in this relationship, is just appalling. The loss of that physical and emotional bonding and experience is huge.

Sexual incompatibility is very common - indeed so common it might be seen as normal. Biologically young women seek out a mate to reproduce with and when that is done they can say goodbye to sex; equally men continue to have the urge to "spread their seed" into old age

How can people still believe this pseudo-science sexist shit? I am past reproductive age and still have a high sex drive and active sex life and I am certainly not unique. The idea that women see sex as merely functional to have kids is just bollocks. Sex helps people to bond as a couple, to keep them together to raise kids.

And yet low libido is a very common menopausal symptom.

One person's experience is not necessarily representative of a large group.

We are mammals who’ve evolved to pair bond, with enjoyable sex being part of that bonding, as it takes an unusually long time to raise human young, who are completely dependent for a long time, and because females, unlike nearly all other mammals, don’t go on heat.

Super charged libido is also a very common symptom of menopause.

I’ve never heard of that. Ever. It was never mentioned by the 3 specialist menopause doctors l saw. Yet all of them mentioned low libido.

Ive tried to Google it, and can find virtually nothing on it. But lots on low libido

We are mammals who’ve evolved to pair bond, with enjoyable sex being part of that bonding,

Do any female mammals have sex once their reproductive period has ended? I expect humans are the only ones, it’s probably entirely natural for some females not to want sex after the menopause.

I’ve never heard of that. Ever. It was never mentioned by the 3 specialist menopause doctors l saw. Yet all of them mentioned low libido.

It can happen in perimenopausal women but not menopausal women.
It happened to me, I had about 18 months of wanting sex all the time then my libido fell off a cliff and it’s remained there.