Wife doesn't want sex

[studyinscarlet]

Was wondering if the mums of mumsnet could give me some advise.

Been married 25 years. We have a loving relationship and 2 kids grown yp. We are both 50. We have not had sex for 5 years. She has gone through menopause and it is not just painful for her, but before menopause she was no longer interested in it. She has tried HRT etvc - no different. All the advice out there talks about communication etc, but we have already discussed the issue for years and she has told me that she definitely doesn't want sex anymore (any form of sex including non penetrative etc.) and does not want to try testosterone gel (another thing that people usually advise). Our relatiknship is otherwise very good and neither of us are having affairs etc. I keep myself in shape and am a nice normal person (uou'll have to take my word on that!)

There is a dead-bedrooms forum on Reddit but all they seem to say is "get divorced" or "get an open relationship". I 100% do not want to get divorced as we both love each other! There is also absolutely no way on God's earth that my wife would agree to an open relationship - trust me. She would also definitely leave me if she ever caught me having an affair (not that I have had an affair - I'm not really into anyone else)

The only other option is to accept celibacy. I am only 50 and always really enjoyed sex - it feels like a bereavement. I know some of you will advise just solo-sexual activities, which is fair enough but it is really no substitute - it's not the climax i'm after but the physical affection/excitement that goes beyond hugging and hand-holding (we do already hug alot)

There might be nothing any of you guys can advise and probably I just need to accept our sex-life has given us 2 kids and now it's reached the end of the road. I just thought i'd put it out there, though, in case there was something I had not thought of.

I couldn't leave my job as I'd never find anything else as well-paid as that which I currently do, so I need the strength and stability of my relationship to get out there every day and perform

You talk about this, about your anxiety and physical health issues, your 2 grown children with mental health issues, the messaging of an ex you'd previously cheated on her with - all added up, it sounds like maybe she sees it as a fair deal where she does a lot of emotional support for you and your kids, but maybe doesn't have anything physical left, while you want to keep all of the above but also have sex.

You mentioned seeing a psychosexual counsellor but maybe her hesitation is because for her, the issue starts a long way before the bedroom. It is a good idea to try counselling, but you also have to be open to it as helping you as a couple learn what you want and how to achieve that, whether together or apart, not 'fixing' her and her lack of desire.

I could understand some wives going off sex, but if it’s zero intimacy, zero kissing, and not even a blowie for Birthday and Christmas it’s all rather selfish.

I did suspect she had a secret Porkerhontas on the side. 😂😂😂

Cantstaystuck - yeah. I think she feels she’s been through the mill what with me and the two kid’s problems and can’t give any more. Me and the kids are much better now, though, and I try to help the household by earning enough money to keep us all very comfortable and generally defusing all the arguments her and the kids have. But maybe she’s stuck in the psyche of the caregiver to two kids AND a husband, which didn’t make her feel sexy.

I like this answer.

I think that was good advice and if you can both agree to try relationship therapy you should do it

Do you do anything romantic together or is it just the day to day slog? Do you have holidays or breaks with just the two of you?

Do you do fun stuff together, a holiday for example? Just to shake things up a bit and possibly let you view eachother in a new light.

Sorry posted almost exactly same thing as pp!

DRIPFEED 101

Hmm, that was some drip feed. So now you’ve decided not to be

Where did this ‘I earn money and she should be grateful’ mindset come from? Just because you’ve stopped treating her like a ‘caregiver’ you now expect the sex tap to be turned back on, urgh! I would suggest counselling to see if she feels she wants to even try to get her sexual feelings for you back, if not, then you have a decision to make.

This set up sounds utterly miserable for everyone.

Yes it is op . I could be your wife after reading your post . I have no desire to have sex with my partner . And it all boils down to something he done that he knows would destroy everything. But he done it and I lost all respect for him .

so I need the strength and stability of my relationship to get out there every day and perform

The subtext of the above statement suggests a quid pro quo, you bring home the bacon and she needs to put out. There’s nothing to suggest that you are at all interested in regaining the obvious lost emotional connection you have with your wife, have you ever thought that the loss of that led to the loss of physical intimacy? Be honest, do you even care that your wife might be emotionally spent? Having sex with someone you think gives zero shits about your emotional being is something I would advise her to not to do.

To be honest I didn’t used to believe that messaging an ex-girlfriend could cause that serious a rift between me and my wife. I thought it was a case of serious over-reaction. However, as alot of these comments point out, it does seem to be reason enough. I think it’s a case of really not understanding the consequences at the time. I couldn’t understand my wife’s reaction and I thought “normal” couples would be ok with eachother staying in touch with their exes. It’s clear now that I overstepped the mark by complementing my ex on her appearance. I guess it’s because I’m not at all possessive. I’ve had about 4 exes who slept with other people during our relationship and, although those relationships ended, it didn’t particularly hurt me. I guess people are different.

But it's not innocent and can't be considering your history of cheating. Especially given the inappropriate way you were talking to her, flattering her on her appearance. You don't seem to understand the huge ongoing impact of cheating and minimise it as much as you can. You even admitted that your conversation with the ex might have been flirty. That's not appropriate and, in the context of past cheating, a red flag. You are not naive and innocent here.

If I ever bumped into an ex the conversation sticks to a polite and passing, "What are you up to these days?" "Oh, that sounds lovely." "Well, nice to bump into you, bye."

You are only 50, that's very young.

Honestly I think she's totally unreasonable to expect you to agree to both the marriage continuing and no sex if she won't accept a change in the terms of the marriage to ethical non-monogamy. And I say this as a woman who is really struggling with zero libido post kids and often resent sex because it feels like another job I'm doing for other people at the expense of my own physical wellness. So I do totally understand it from her POV. But she can't just expect you both to live entirely on her term.

An affair is very different to an ENM arrangement and of course you should never have an affair.

Its only sex. All these people suggesting that he throws away is life his marriage these children security for sex would probably be in for a rude awakening. If they split up with their partners, just to have a little sex you’d be having or wanting with anybody else on the other side of this green grass.
Most single man that I meet have literally throwing their lives away over sex, one way or the other, and most of them spend the majority of their lives not getting any now they’re single.

Just out of interest, who exactly do you think he’s going to be having sex with as a 50 of old married man with no expectations and no strings attached? If we are all in agreement that life is exhausting and over a certain age, your libido plummets as a woman. Are we thinking that the perky, 20 and 30-year-olds are going to be happy with just getting used occasionally for sex by 50-year-old man with no expectations of anything in return.? Some of you live in cloud cuckoo land. The only possible outcome is there is Somebody uses him for another baby and / or his money and then he’ll be back to square one again.

Would you be happy with your daughter entering into a ENM arrangement during the best years of her life with an old married man?

Fuckingfuming1

if he heads to the sex board he will see that many women if the same age have partners who don’t want or can’t have sex (ED)

I think online he could feasibly find a woman in the same situation actually

im not saying he will , but it’s very feasible

I think you would be very surprised.

As earlier posters of said, unless he’s incredibly well off is 30 to 40-year-olds won’t be interested.

The 20-year-olds will find him comical. And 50-year-old women who want sex with random men are a bit thin on the ground in my experience.

they may well be women whingeing about their Partners erectile dysfunction. It doesn’t mean to say they want a different dick.

This will be an unpopular opinion. OPs wife is highly selfish she really should be the one to end the marriage.
I would get a divorce too, perhaps you can stay friends rather than a hurtful ending (possible affair).