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Original poster

Is He Gaslighting Me

171 replies

Claireb76 · 29/07/2023 05:12

Hey There

Im 47, been seeing a guy for just on 3 years. Haven’t moved in with him and he works away half the time but see him when I can. He’s intelligent, hard working, confident, financially stable and grounded.
My issue is I don’t know if he is gaslighting me sometimes or just on a different wavelength to me emotionally.
He was amazing in the beginning of the relationship. However as time has gone on he’s become more moody and unpredictable and blows hot and cold. I’ve tried talking to him about it because he will go through phases where I feel it’s an effort to talk to me and all I’ll get is a quick kiss hi and bye when I visit. He will be disengaged and snappy and cynical. It hurts me and then I try discuss it and he will tell me to back off and stop being intense and dramatic and stop pissing him off acting like a teenager. To my knowledge I don’t say or do anything to make him withdraw. I listen when he talks, I care, I’m affectionate, I look after his pets and home when he’s away for work. I don’t make demands of his time and visit him when it suits him. He will have times where there’s no intimacy or anything. I bring this up and he rolls his eyes at me.
He talks to ex girlfriends sometimes and I have to accept that but he gets angry over me talking to a man that has only ever been a friend, nothing sexual. Double standards.
Sometimes when he’s in his moods and I say anything, he tells me to shut the fuck up and chill out. I get upset over being sworn at but he trivialises it.
I have felt at times like ending the relationship because I get insecure and don’t know where I stand and cannot communicate properly with him. He says it’s all in my head and I need to grow up and stop being demanding or I’ll be a lonely woman.

OP posts:
Alphyn · 29/07/2023 05:23

He’s intelligent, hard working, confident, financially stable and grounded.

Apart from that, he sounds like a terrible partner.

Sometimes when he’s in his moods and I say anything, he tells me to shut the fuck up and chill out.

Why are you putting up with this disrespectful and contemptuous behaviour?

Original poster
Claireb76 · 29/07/2023 05:36

Because he is making me feel like it’s my fault, I’m to blame which is why I’m on this forum. He says I create the problems by being needy and intense.
All I’m trying to do is talk about what is bothering me which is his blowing hot and cold and I don’t feel very secure because his moods shift. He says I’ve got to just back off and let him be.
I like to feel needed and wanted and loved so maybe it’s just that I expect too much and get too emotional ?!

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 29/07/2023 05:39

Well he doesn't sound kind, caring or nice!
Nah this isn't how you should be treated by someone who loves you. You can do better than this, you are worth more.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 29/07/2023 05:42

He doesn't sound nice at all, why would you even want to carry on seeing him? It's making you unhappy and upset, I'd end it

MrsPoliportsGoose · 29/07/2023 05:43

'He was amazing in the beginning of the relationship. However as time has gone on he’s become more moody and unpredictable and blows hot and cold. '

He will only get worse as more time goes on.

Original poster
Claireb76 · 29/07/2023 05:46

This is what worries me. I’ve seen a decline but I cannot talk to him about it. When I mention how I feel he’s changed, he says I’m creating this narrative and imagining things. It’s normal for couples to have ups and downs. I agree but it doesn’t feel normal when someone can shift moods in an instant or withdraw for extended periods. I feel desperate at times for his affections and interest to be shown but the more I reach out, the angrier he gets and end of the day he says it’s all on me

OP posts:
Damnedidont · 29/07/2023 05:53

It sounds as if he isn't really interested in what you want and doesn't care enough about you to make any effort. It's not going to get any better is it?

Blueberry40 · 29/07/2023 06:04

He’s emotionally avoidant, dismissive and pretty vile in the way that he speaks to you at times. Unless he acknowledges this (which it doesn’t sound like he does), is prepared to engage in therapy to explore where these behaviours come from with a view to changing them, and stops minimising your feelings, then it’s time to say goodbye.

You will be far more lonely in a relationship where your emotional needs are not met than being single.

Original poster
Claireb76 · 29/07/2023 06:31

I realise I can be ’intense’ and that can be irritating but I’m feeling like something is missing and results in me feeling neglected and rejected. Paranoia and assumptions are not healthy but I cannot have a rational discussion about anything emotional with him.
He is a practical man and I respect that however he must be capable of connecting emotionally as he did in the beginning but doesn’t seem to even want to try anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Claireb76 · 29/07/2023 06:34

I told him I don’t feel like I’m really wanted by him and he responds with ‘if I didn’t want you I’d have told you to fuck of by now so don’t be stupid’

OP posts:
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 29/07/2023 06:39

God, why do you let someone treat you like that???

RandomMess · 29/07/2023 06:39

Sounds like you are his free house and pet sitter.

You aren't compatible, he isn't emotionally invested in you.

This is the real him. Selfish & unkind, the mask fallen and been binned.

Lalabright23 · 29/07/2023 06:41

Claireb76 · 29/07/2023 06:31

I realise I can be ’intense’ and that can be irritating but I’m feeling like something is missing and results in me feeling neglected and rejected. Paranoia and assumptions are not healthy but I cannot have a rational discussion about anything emotional with him.
He is a practical man and I respect that however he must be capable of connecting emotionally as he did in the beginning but doesn’t seem to even want to try anymore.

What is stopping you from leaving this man? Do you think you can "fix" him, so he behaves like he did at the beginning?

There is a reason he was nice to you in the beginning and a reason he isn't nice now. He's reeled you in, and now you're having this internal battle asking yourself "why" or "what have I done".

I mean this gently, but have some self respect and walk away, because I can almost guarantee you'll be happier without the mind fuck of this bloke.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 29/07/2023 06:43

He doesn't get to tell you how you feel about his behaviour. He doesn't get to tell you if you want to stay in this relationship. He is NOT the boss of you!!!!

If you're not happy, then you're not happy. The world is full of nice guys that aren't suitable as a partner for you simply because you're not compatible. L

Although I don't think I'd actually classify this guy as a nice guy because the way he talks to you makes him sound like a selfish arsehole who wants you to bend over backwards to make him happy but thinks he doesn't need to do anything to make you happy.

Original poster
Claireb76 · 29/07/2023 06:50

I married my first serious boyfriend who is obviously now an ex husband. Since the divorce I’ve only dated one man who is the current boyfriend whereas he’s had several relationships before and after marriage. He says my behaviour isn’t normal and his other girlfriends didn’t carry on like me. He actually asked me why can’t I be ‘normal’
Im not happy half the time but he has me convinced I’m being the negative one

OP posts:
ThePM · 29/07/2023 06:50

Claireb76 · 29/07/2023 06:34

I told him I don’t feel like I’m really wanted by him and he responds with ‘if I didn’t want you I’d have told you to fuck of by now so don’t be stupid’

Is that good enough for you OP? Is that enough of a relationship for you?

If his emotional needs are being met and he is content that his #RelationshipGoals are being achieved, then where is your ability to make choices for you?

How much more clearly do you need to be told that he has nothing further to offer, and that your feelings are of no consequence to him? For god’s sake just walk away- you’ll be much more lonely in this relationship than outside it.

Original poster
Claireb76 · 29/07/2023 06:58

I have often felt like walking away especially at the moment. He can be so nice and affectionate and engaging and that’s why I’ve stayed because when it’s good it’s great.
Its just at a point now where I’m losing faith and confidence in myself and starting to question my own sanity and character

OP posts:
Lalabright23 · 29/07/2023 07:10

Claireb76 · 29/07/2023 06:58

I have often felt like walking away especially at the moment. He can be so nice and affectionate and engaging and that’s why I’ve stayed because when it’s good it’s great.
Its just at a point now where I’m losing faith and confidence in myself and starting to question my own sanity and character

You are worth more than the crumbs he is offering you.

Ultimately, the decision to stay or leave is with you, but I would STRONGLY take the advice from posters on here who have no doubt experienced something very similar, and know that it never ends well.

I really wish you the best of luck.

crew2022 · 29/07/2023 07:11

Walk away. You're not happy so don't stay. It doesn't matter if it's you or him that's 'right' (there isn't a right) but you're not compatible if you are unhappy .

ThePM · 29/07/2023 07:15

Claireb76 · 29/07/2023 06:58

I have often felt like walking away especially at the moment. He can be so nice and affectionate and engaging and that’s why I’ve stayed because when it’s good it’s great.
Its just at a point now where I’m losing faith and confidence in myself and starting to question my own sanity and character

I think my previous reply is also valid for this post.

Is that good enough for you OP? Is that enough of a relationship for you?

If his emotional needs are being met and he is content that his #RelationshipGoals are being achieved, then where is your ability to make choices for you?

How much more clearly do you need to be told that he has nothing further to offer, and that your feelings are of no consequence to him? For god’s sake just walk away- you’ll be much more lonely in this relationship than outside it.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 29/07/2023 07:21

Claireb76 · 29/07/2023 06:50

I married my first serious boyfriend who is obviously now an ex husband. Since the divorce I’ve only dated one man who is the current boyfriend whereas he’s had several relationships before and after marriage. He says my behaviour isn’t normal and his other girlfriends didn’t carry on like me. He actually asked me why can’t I be ‘normal’
Im not happy half the time but he has me convinced I’m being the negative one

Why are you letting him set the terms??

There are 8 billion people on earth. Why be with one who makes you unhappy the majority of the time?

Have you considered not dating at all for a while? Perhaps look into the Freedom Programme?

Alphyn · 29/07/2023 07:22

OP, even if it’s true that you are “intense”, “too emotional” or whatever, the way he is speaking to you is just unacceptable. It sounds like you’re trapped in this vicious cycle where you feel insecure and seek validation/reassurance from your partner and he is avoidant/dismissive of your needs, leading you to doubt yourself even more. I can identify with what you’re experiencing - exH was very much like your partner whereas DP is super patient in helping me work through my feelings when I’m triggered (even though he gets a bit annoyed sometimes). Honestly you’d be better off being single and working through your issues than continuing in this relationship.

theyarereallytakingthepissnow · 29/07/2023 07:35

Ugh op he is awful to you, rude and disrespectful hardly touches it.

You give and he takes and he can't even be kind and value you whilst he does that.

Draw your line and leave him the other side of it and walk away knowing this is not what you want or need to be happy. This leaves you happy on your own and/or available to meet someone who can love and respect you.

Comtesse · 29/07/2023 07:52

He sounds like a head fuck who is making you miserable. Half a man is NOT better than none.

Tulpenkavalier · 29/07/2023 08:03

Can you stop running after this emotionally unavailable and verbally abusive man.

He has shown you who he is. Believe him.

And read Women Who Love Too Much and do the Freedom Programme.

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