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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is He Gaslighting Me

171 replies

Claireb76 · 29/07/2023 05:12

Hey There

Im 47, been seeing a guy for just on 3 years. Haven’t moved in with him and he works away half the time but see him when I can. He’s intelligent, hard working, confident, financially stable and grounded.
My issue is I don’t know if he is gaslighting me sometimes or just on a different wavelength to me emotionally.
He was amazing in the beginning of the relationship. However as time has gone on he’s become more moody and unpredictable and blows hot and cold. I’ve tried talking to him about it because he will go through phases where I feel it’s an effort to talk to me and all I’ll get is a quick kiss hi and bye when I visit. He will be disengaged and snappy and cynical. It hurts me and then I try discuss it and he will tell me to back off and stop being intense and dramatic and stop pissing him off acting like a teenager. To my knowledge I don’t say or do anything to make him withdraw. I listen when he talks, I care, I’m affectionate, I look after his pets and home when he’s away for work. I don’t make demands of his time and visit him when it suits him. He will have times where there’s no intimacy or anything. I bring this up and he rolls his eyes at me.
He talks to ex girlfriends sometimes and I have to accept that but he gets angry over me talking to a man that has only ever been a friend, nothing sexual. Double standards.
Sometimes when he’s in his moods and I say anything, he tells me to shut the fuck up and chill out. I get upset over being sworn at but he trivialises it.
I have felt at times like ending the relationship because I get insecure and don’t know where I stand and cannot communicate properly with him. He says it’s all in my head and I need to grow up and stop being demanding or I’ll be a lonely woman.

OP posts:
Original poster
Claireb76 · 30/07/2023 13:05

It would be a whole lot easier if the bad sides were shown from the beginning rather than being wonderful then a person gets drawn in and falls in love - making it harder to understand the changes and harder to leave

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 30/07/2023 13:10

Well yes it would but even serial killers present as Mr Nice Guy. How else would they get away with it?

Original poster
Claireb76 · 30/07/2023 13:22

Ted Bundy comes to mind

OP posts:
Original poster
Claireb76 · 30/07/2023 15:01

Thank you everyone!

OP posts:
Mom2K · 30/07/2023 15:19

OP, he is utter garbage. Even if you are needy (and I don't believe that you are) that would not justify the way he speaks to you. If he found you too needy or whatever then he should be having a proper conversation with you, like a mature respectful adult who loves you, about balancing out what you both need from the relationship and how you can achieve that together...not telling you to f off or shut the f up, or saying don't be stupid when you express how YOU feel. What a nasty little man.

By the way, I 100% see him as the problem here. The withdrawing and ignoring you is also abusive in it's own right in addition to the way he speaks to you. He is abusive, and you don't deserve this.

Please don't internalize the crap he has said to you. It is not you. Find your strength and your self esteem, know your worth and get rid of this loser pronto. Do not let him try and twist anything around or continue to turn it back on you - that's just what his type does. Dump him, block and move on with your life with people who value you and who are worthy of your time and attention. He is not it.

BackAgainstWall · 30/07/2023 20:49

He’s a very cruel abusive man.

You keep going back for more, probably because you have over time slowly lost sight of what is a normal loving relationship.

Stop being bullied and get back some pride and importantly some self respect by ending it.

You are worth so much more.

Original poster
Claireb76 · 30/07/2023 23:07

I went to his place, talked to him, told him that he’s been a huge part of my life for 3 years, we’ve had wonderful times and I love him. I thanked him for the good times. I told him all the things I love about him. Then told him it’s over because it’s not going to work. I don’t feel good in the relationship and it’s become stagnant and is affecting me mentally.
He did not try convince me to stay. He basically told me the same thing that it’s sad the way I create scenarios in my head that become reality to me and how I’m letting my mental health ruin everything. He reminded me of his patience with me especially with my being a borderliner, saying I will never be happy and am the most negative person he knows. I handed him my set of keys to his house and said bye. He just sat and looked at me, no nice words, not one encouraging word, nothing. Reckons I’ll be back so I should just keep the keys.

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 30/07/2023 23:21

Well done for finding the strength Flowers

In a month's time you will look back and think "what a dick". Your mental health will get better and better. Treat that relationship as an addiction. Don't answer his calls or texts as they equal one more drink to an alcoholic. You might feel a little lousy at first but that's because you need to adjust your sense of self to the real reality, not his warped false reality. You've stepped through the looking glass and come back home!

BackAgainstWall · 30/07/2023 23:21

What a nasty nasty man.

You will be okay you just need to give yourself some time, and you will begin to see him more for what he really was.

Well done that must have taken so much courage and importantly self belief 💐💐

CheekyHobson · 31/07/2023 01:43

saying I will never be happy and am the most negative person he knows

Reckons I’ll be back so I should just keep the keys.

I hope this makes it clear to you that he IS gaslighting you.

Nobody in their right mind would want to continue a relationship with "the most negative person they know". I know I would have no desire to be in a relationship with someone I believed "will never be happy".

Yet here he is, telling you to keep the keys as you'll be back (presumably not planning to kick you out if you did return).

How can these two statements be reconciled? You can't be both a terrible negative person, and a person he wants to keep in his life, not unless he has a seriously twisted and unhealthy view of love and his own worth too.

He's just putting you down so he doesn't have to look at himself. That's all it is. As others have said, well done, and in a couple of months you will look back and wonder why it took you so long to leave a loveless relationship.

Original poster
Claireb76 · 31/07/2023 13:26

It can be hard to do the right things in life because we know it will hurt for a while.

OP posts:
PatrickGammon · 31/07/2023 17:40

Another voice saying well done OP. You've put your needs first for once. It might not feel good atm but honestly it's the best thing long term. If you ever get the urge to contact him, just remember his emotionless response to you.

He thinks you'll be back. Let him see what it's like to be wrong by not going back.

Maniplusa · 31/07/2023 20:08

Yuck! What a horrible person he is. If this was a loving relationship, he would have tried to show you how much he loves you, put your mind at ease, support you. Like a pp says, if you're that much hard work, why is he still with you? Why is he telling you to keep the key if you are such a negative and unhappy partner?

Because you're none of those things. It's all just a rouse to keep your self esteem and sense of reality low enough that he can treat you however he likes and keep you around. This proves that he doesn't care about you.

If you feel tempted to go back to him, remember that he doesn't care about you. He really doesn't, I'm sorry. The good news is that you did the right thing and your new life starts now!

Original poster
Claireb76 · 31/07/2023 22:38

Thank you to everyone for putting in time here to give their feedback as well as the reassurance and encouragement

OP posts:
Original poster
Claireb76 · 01/08/2023 08:41

I will have to follow people’s suggestions and block him. Has already messaged saying in September he wants to take me away for a week to a fancy resort by the beach

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/08/2023 08:43

So the hoovering has began already!

So predictable its pathetic.

Original poster
Claireb76 · 01/08/2023 08:52

It could be easy to think I’m loved because he doesn’t want to let go, but I know the behaviours that make me feel pushed aside won’t change

OP posts:
Olika · 01/08/2023 08:59

It's waste of time to try to make it work with a wrong person. What I learn from dating and meeting other men before my husband was the difference when the person is right. It was such hard work making it work with all those other men and I felt like I had to sacrifice myself and men didn't understand me. With my husband it flows, I don't have to sacrifice myself. We don't of course always agree on things but he gets me. I feel like we are on the same wavelength.

AndyMcFlurry · 01/08/2023 09:05

Claireb76 · 01/08/2023 08:52

It could be easy to think I’m loved because he doesn’t want to let go, but I know the behaviours that make me feel pushed aside won’t change

He doesn’t want to let go because you look after his house and pets for free, listen to him and have sex when he wants to. He doesn't love you, he loves what you do for him.

Please don’t be sucked back in by fake promises from your abuser . Focus on YOU , your work , friends , hobbies, mental well being, fitness etc.

You are worthy of all that love and attention you have been pouring out on him and getting nothing back except neglect and abuse.

Original poster
Claireb76 · 01/08/2023 09:09

I’m not going. It’s tempting on the surface but like previous poster said, when it’s the right man it’ll be easy. With him I actually get anxious half the time as never know what will annoy him or what mood he will be in

OP posts:
KatherineSwynford1403 · 01/08/2023 09:22

Claireb76 · 01/08/2023 09:09

I’m not going. It’s tempting on the surface but like previous poster said, when it’s the right man it’ll be easy. With him I actually get anxious half the time as never know what will annoy him or what mood he will be in

How is it anywhere near 'tempting' when you have given us six pages of discussion about what a vile individual this man is? Great, go to the beach and be told you are making him miserable, you are all kinds of awful names, you are negative and cracked in the head or whatever other bilge he comes out with.

Alternatively, don't. Go away by yourself and celebrate being free of him.

Tempting? That's absolutely ridiculous.

Original poster
Claireb76 · 01/08/2023 10:09

Only from POV a week at a nice place - that’s all

OP posts:
KatherineSwynford1403 · 01/08/2023 10:29

Claireb76 · 01/08/2023 10:09

Only from POV a week at a nice place - that’s all

Oh good I thought you were weakening! Don't! 😸

NewDogOwner · 01/08/2023 10:53

' I listen when he talks, I care, I’m affectionate, I look after his pets and home when he’s away for work. I don’t make demands of his time and visit him when it suits him. '

He has you well trained. Read over everything you have written. Everything you have told us he does and says were designed to train you to behave the way he wants and accept the disrespectful way he treats you and be grateful for it. This is so sad to read. He doesn't love you, respect you or care about you. He throws you enough crumbs to keep you around. You deserve better.

jrc1071 · 01/08/2023 11:09

BPD in my opinion has always been a misdiagnosis… Usually you find that the traits of BPD are simply a response to being abused.

So you do not have BPD, more than likely you’re just experiencing a lot of symptoms from being emotionally and psychologically abused.

What your boyfriend saying to you is beyond abuse, and you need to get out.