Is He Gaslighting Me

[Claireb76]

Hey There

Im 47, been seeing a guy for just on 3 years. Haven’t moved in with him and he works away half the time but see him when I can. He’s intelligent, hard working, confident, financially stable and grounded.
My issue is I don’t know if he is gaslighting me sometimes or just on a different wavelength to me emotionally.
He was amazing in the beginning of the relationship. However as time has gone on he’s become more moody and unpredictable and blows hot and cold. I’ve tried talking to him about it because he will go through phases where I feel it’s an effort to talk to me and all I’ll get is a quick kiss hi and bye when I visit. He will be disengaged and snappy and cynical. It hurts me and then I try discuss it and he will tell me to back off and stop being intense and dramatic and stop pissing him off acting like a teenager. To my knowledge I don’t say or do anything to make him withdraw. I listen when he talks, I care, I’m affectionate, I look after his pets and home when he’s away for work. I don’t make demands of his time and visit him when it suits him. He will have times where there’s no intimacy or anything. I bring this up and he rolls his eyes at me.
He talks to ex girlfriends sometimes and I have to accept that but he gets angry over me talking to a man that has only ever been a friend, nothing sexual. Double standards.
Sometimes when he’s in his moods and I say anything, he tells me to shut the fuck up and chill out. I get upset over being sworn at but he trivialises it.
I have felt at times like ending the relationship because I get insecure and don’t know where I stand and cannot communicate properly with him. He says it’s all in my head and I need to grow up and stop being demanding or I’ll be a lonely woman.

He's not the man for you.

Your self esteem is already low. Leave him now before he ruins it completely.
You will find someone who can offer you all the things you need and more rather than gathering the few breadcrumbs he chooses to drop every now & then

This is why I’m asking others if I’m batshit crazy or am I right in seeing the almost emotional detachment and abuse

Hi OP! I get really irritated by moody people, it's so hurtful. The absolute best thing you can do is stop trying to coax him out of the mood. Next time he's like that, say 'it looks like you need some space so I'll leave you to do it' and then go off and do something lovely until he contacts you. In short, give it zero attention and don't allow it to get under your skin.

Long term, he doesn't sound very nice and the fact he's demanding you cut ties with a male friend while he can talk to his ex, nah, not good. You may well have to 'throw this one back' as they say on MN, but as a first step, try not 'feeding' the mood and stepping right back.

He sounds nasty and abusive.

He seems to find you full on and intense.

Tbh it doesn't matter if your behaviour is 'normal' or intense/needy as that's all subjective. What is too much for one person is 'normal' to another.

It sounds to me like a simple case of incompatibility. However there is no need for him to go about it in such a horrible way.

It’s not gaslighting but he is a nasty
little man. I would be ending this relationship today & not waiting for this loser to inevitably decide for me.

Healthy relationships need communication without being shot down.

He sounds rather narcissistic- have a read up on these types of personalities & see if it rings any bells...

I’m at the stage where I feel nothing I say or do is right. He can be charming but his attitude towards me is so unpredictable. He used to sit next to me on the sofa but now he sits in his own chair. I made a small comment about that and he said he shouldn’t have to be drooling over me 24/7. All I asked is why he doesn’t want to sit by me. There’s many instances like this. I feel the shift, it hurts me, I try discuss it, get shut down and nothing changes.

Communication kills assumption.
He says I assume too much and read into everything and dissect it instead of going with the flow. It’s hard not to think the worst when someone will not have a rational conversation without telling me to shut up or calling me names.
I do believe I’m fighting a losing battle and like posters have said, it’s time to walk away

Oh I'm sorry this is so upsetting for you.

This sounds to me absolutely like he is 'gaslighting' you hit the nail on the head.

Typically a gas lightee is trying to belittle you to make you question everything and blame you for anything that is wrong with them. It's having it's desired effect. It's awful and it makes you feel stupid and crazy.

You are not. You are a normal human being with feelings and emotions. You are not intense, you have emotional needs and one of that is a level of affection from a partner. You are not intense in any way. You clearly are the opposite as you cope with him being away etc.

I don't think this man has any other ways to deal with a relationship like hearing your needs and discussing them and working things out.

I would try very hard to be brave and end this relationship and move on. You can meet someone who does care - there are plenty of men out there who will.

If you do this - he will blame you and tell you you are being ridiculous and then possibly start being ultra nice, which likely won't last and the cycle will continue.

Sending you huge hugs and strength xx

I do believe I’m fighting a losing battle and like posters have said, it’s time to walk awayI

Well done OP! This is the right thing to do. Whatever the reasons for your relationship not working, it doesn't really matter, it's not working, so walk away and find someone who makes you feel good about yourself.

I also recommend reading "Women who love too much" too.

• Double standards. Sometimes when he’s in his moods and I say anything, he tells me to shut the fuck up and chill out.*

This alone would be a deal breaker for me.

I get upset over being sworn at but he trivialises it.

This, too, by itself would be a deal breaker for me.

I have felt at times like ending the relationship because I get insecure and don’t know where I stand and cannot communicate properly with him.

This too would be a deal breaker for me

He says it’s all in my head and I need to grow up and stop being demanding or I’ll be a lonely woman.

Surely you aren't falling for this threat, are you. That would make me laugh out loud.

There is a deep deep gap between being alone and being lonely. I'd feel very lonely indeed being sworn at, having my feelings trivialised and not being appreciated.

Being alone would for me be much, much preferable to being this this pathetic excuse for a man.

What are you getting out of being with him other that the feeling for being useful looking after his pets Oh and being his punchbag?

I'm glad you have posted here on MN. I hope you get lots of replies enough to open your eyes and that you find the strength to get away and build a much better life for yourself.

He says I create the problems by being needy and intense.

Maya Angelou is credited with saying when a man shows you who he is, believe him the first time.

He is literally telling you that his response to needy was is to be cruel and belittling.

Wow. Just wow

his other girlfriends didn’t carry on like me

And yet, and yet, they are now all ex girlfriends so why does he (or more importantly you think) that has anything to do with anything

Goodness, I'm just a stranger on the internet and I would not be so cruel in my way of speaking to you. I'd want to give anyone who was so upset at least a hug and a chat over a cup of coffee.

Have a look at love bombing. And, yes, Lundy Bancroft's why does he do that.

Oh lovely, I hope you get away. Quickly.

"It hurts me and then I try discuss it and he will tell me to back off and stop being intense and dramatic and stop pissing him off acting like a teenager."

I'd have put my coat on and gone home, for good. He sounds horrible.

Please look up signs of domestic abuse and reach out to one of the organisations for support to understand what is happening and explore what you want to do about it. Relationships should make you feel loved and secure. It doesn't sound like this is happening.

@Claireb76 You have this one life, why waste it on this insufferable arsehole who neither truly loves and respects you?!

Have you ever heard of triangulation in a relationship? He's a classic narcissist, OP!

Thank you for your kind words.

I haven’t heard of triangulation but will read up on it thank you.

I’m not allowed to talk to him if he’s watching rugby. I respect men love their sports. But if I’m reading a good book or engrossed in something he still expects full attention. These might seem trivial issues but they all add up

The more you say, about him OP the worse he gets.

It is definitely an unhealthy dynamic & one that you should get away from.

And definitely a narcissist!

Do you have Co-dependant traits OP, as narcissists are drawn to people with these - a very unhealthy toxic relationship

Pack up your toothbrush and go, there is no point to this "relationship" he probably won't even notice.

What you need to do is ask yourself, why am I settling for this? Why am I running around after a man who doesn't care? Stop looking after his animals, stop running to him when he decides he is available. Be busy. Build a life for yourself that doesn't involve him. If you go see him and he ignores you, leave. Dont just hang around him waiting for his mood to lift.

The constant push and pull - he loves me, he loves me not, it’s so exhausting

Well he has to do a bit of pulling, if it was all pushing you would be a wreck and he doesnt want to tip you fully over the edge. You wouldn't be able to look after his animals for a start. Want more for yourself.

@Claireb76 regardless of your behaviour which I doubt is adequate reason for his behaviour … I wouldn’t stay with a man who thought it ok to speak to me like he does you.

yes he’s gaslighting you.

now what are you going to do about it?

He doesn't like you or want you, he hangs onto you because you are a convenient pet sitter.