Is He Gaslighting Me

[Claireb76]

Hey There

Im 47, been seeing a guy for just on 3 years. Haven’t moved in with him and he works away half the time but see him when I can. He’s intelligent, hard working, confident, financially stable and grounded.
My issue is I don’t know if he is gaslighting me sometimes or just on a different wavelength to me emotionally.
He was amazing in the beginning of the relationship. However as time has gone on he’s become more moody and unpredictable and blows hot and cold. I’ve tried talking to him about it because he will go through phases where I feel it’s an effort to talk to me and all I’ll get is a quick kiss hi and bye when I visit. He will be disengaged and snappy and cynical. It hurts me and then I try discuss it and he will tell me to back off and stop being intense and dramatic and stop pissing him off acting like a teenager. To my knowledge I don’t say or do anything to make him withdraw. I listen when he talks, I care, I’m affectionate, I look after his pets and home when he’s away for work. I don’t make demands of his time and visit him when it suits him. He will have times where there’s no intimacy or anything. I bring this up and he rolls his eyes at me.
He talks to ex girlfriends sometimes and I have to accept that but he gets angry over me talking to a man that has only ever been a friend, nothing sexual. Double standards.
Sometimes when he’s in his moods and I say anything, he tells me to shut the fuck up and chill out. I get upset over being sworn at but he trivialises it.
I have felt at times like ending the relationship because I get insecure and don’t know where I stand and cannot communicate properly with him. He says it’s all in my head and I need to grow up and stop being demanding or I’ll be a lonely woman.

He sounds awful. This isn't what a good relationship looks like.

You said
He will be disengaged and snappy and cynical. It hurts me and then I try discuss it and he will tell me to back off and stop being intense and dramatic and stop pissing him off acting like a teenager.
He talks to ex girlfriends sometimes and I have to accept that but he gets angry over me talking to a man that has only ever been a friend, nothing sexual. Double standards.
Sometimes when he’s in his moods and I say anything, he tells me to shut the fuck up and chill out. I get upset over being sworn at but he trivialises it.
He says it’s all in my head and I need to grow up and stop being demanding or I’ll be a lonely woman

He doesn't act like someone who cares for you. He certainly isn't loving. He sounds demanding, moody, selfish, uncaring, has double standards, swears at you, insults you.... Seriously what is good about this relationship? Why do you want to be with someone who treats you so badly, with so little respect or care?

You don't have to put up with this. This isn't what a healthy relationship is like. Please leave him. You will be so much happier (and mentally well) away from him. Single is so much better than being with the wrong person, especially an abusive person (which is what he sounds like). And when you're ready, you'll be free to meet someone else and be with someone who loves you, likes you, respects you, supports you, makes you happier, has your back, makes you feel better about yourself, never has you doubting their feelings. That's what a healthy relationship looks like.

He probably does love you. But the love of an intrinsically selfish man will never be enough, because they can't love you enough to make it worth the pain.

He doesn't deserve another minute of your time.
Run OP and never look back.
Don't even discuss it with him, he will manipulate you and go back to being his "old self", the cycle will repeat and you'll be back on here in 6 months saying the same things.
I have been here, I was on a loop for 12 years with my ex, exactly as you've described.
This IS who he is, accept it and move on whilst you have no ties.

This. Why??

Your behaviour sounds completely normal and I can assure you that the only reason he has had so many relationships is not that he’s so desirable, but that all those other women saw the same red flags as you’re now seeing and dumped his ass quickly.

Honestly, I felt so sad reading this:

I told him I don’t feel like I’m really wanted by him and he responds with ‘if I didn’t want you I’d have told you to fuck of by now so don’t be stupid

That’s an utterly horrible thing to say to someone he supposedly cares about. If someone said that to me, I would understand they were incapable of speaking caringly and respectfully and would end the relationship. I wouldn’t keep on waiting for someone who had already called me stupid to get around to telling me to fuck off.

I hope its getting through that you are worth more than this. Don't beat yourself up or tie yourself in knots at the thought that it's you who is the problem. It most definitely is him the abusive arsehole.

You owe him not one more second of your time. No explanation when you end things. Just a text 'its not working for me any more' then block. It will feel painful at first and he will turn on the tears with promises to change - but keep posting here for support.

Read the resources people have shared here, like the book 'Why does he do that' and 'Women who Love too Much'. It does sound like you are codependent so I urge you to read up on this. Youtube has many excellent videos about this. (Dr Ramani, Lisa Romano) to name a few.

Stay single for a while and work on nurturing yourself, building up your self esteem, confidence and learning about healthy boundaries.

You being needy and him not responding in the way you want means that you are incompatible. Time to look for someone else

I admit it’s hard ending a relationship when you love someone and have had 3 years with them and got used to having them around. I’m also not someone with much confidence. However - I know that it’s really affecting me now mentally and emotionally as I’m constantly seeking validation and not getting it. I walk on eggshells often to try not upset him and he still finds fault even over trivial things. My friends and children think I’ve changed because of him. Separating head from emotion I know I need to end it

He says I’m needy. I’ve noticed him changing and getting into moods, easily irritated, lukewarm etc and when I try talk to him he gets nasty and nothing changes. So yes it seems we are incompatible but I think he labels me needy to not have to take any accountability

Your self-esteem is on the floor for you to be accepting this.
He’s being abusive. You are starting to question reality. I’d urge you to leave, stay away from men until you get some counselling.

Once before I told him I felt we were not going to work and must go separate ways and then he improved for a little while and talked about going on an overseas trip but that never happened and he was soon back to his usual self

This is true. When he’s being charming it is like a drug because it feels so good being with him. That’s why I say I have to separate head from heart because all the negatives he’s showing are ultimately not worth the ‘highs’ because I don’t feel particularly loved and nurtured

I like to feel needed and wanted and loved so maybe it’s just that I expect too much and get too emotional ?!
It doesn't really matter if he is gaslighting you or not, because he won't give you what you want from a relationship. Never. So why stay with someone who won't make you feel loved or wanted or special? You are asking the wrong questions.

However reading the rest of your posts make me certain you are in an abusive relationship. He keeps getting angry because he doesn't actually like you but you make his life easier and cheaper. I'm sorry if that's hard to read, I know it hurt me to realise that in my own relationship, but sometimes the plaster needs to be ripped off. You have reached that time.

He is not the one for you. Let him go.

He will tell me he loves me. He will say if he didn’t love me he would have told me to go. He is a very practical man. Not sure what his love language is.
I just find it hard and confusing because love to me is respect, communication, empathy, compromise, being a good listener, being supportive and the list goes on. You can tell someone you love them and act loving here and there but for me personally I’m thinking he would be showing love by his actions if he truly felt love??

Yes he is gas lighting you. You must feel so confused and overwhelmed.
Well done for reaching out.

X

"I like to feel needed and wanted" is a classic co-dependent trait OP. Have a look at this article:
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-codependency-5072124

I am wondering if you experienced emotional neglect or witnessed alcohol/drug abuse when you were growing up?

What's happening at the moment is that he's behaving in hurtful ways, and when you ask him to stop that behaviour, he tells you that it's your fault and he won't stop. But instead of drawing away from the hurt, you tie yourself in knots trying to make yourself smaller, less "needy", apologise for wanting to be acnowledged and respected as a human being with needs.

If you burned your hand on a hot stove, you would snatch your hand away, right? You wouldn't keep putting your hand on the stove over and over and say "maybe this time it won't hurt" or "it's not the stove's fault, it's that my hand is too soft". You'd just walk away, to protect yourself.

You deserve so much better than this absolute prick of a man.

He sounds deeply unpleasant and the situation is making you unhappy- walk away.

Things that stand out for me are that he is away half the time with work, and that you look after his house and pets when he is away. I can see why he would want to keep the relationship going if he is a ‘practical man’ as you say - you are very convenient and useful to him and saving him a fortune in pet sitting costs.

There’s no reason to let yourself be used by this man - he isn’t making you happy now and it will only get worse.

That’s a good analogy!
thank you for the link. I will have a good look at it. I appreciate everyone’s help on here especially as I might seem ridiculous needing opinions when I’m 47

He is fairly well off financially and I’m not. However I’ve never ever asked him for anything and I don’t expect it. I’m not a gold digger and am sure he has realised that. But - he doesn’t ever make romantic efforts. No nice meals out. Maybe pub meals few times. No flowers or spontaneous gestures, not even anything at Christmas. Once a birthday gift voucher. He’s said if I get stuck for money he will loan me some interest free.

You should be losing faith and confidence in HIM not yourself. He's the problem. He's no prize either unless you count being the wooden spoon, raspberry or booby prize.

Not at all Claire. Age has nothing to do with it. I've been married over thirty years and I thought my marriage was completely normal. It took me being suicidal to make me realise I was being abused. Since then i have reached out to various medical people and other sources and each and every source have told me to get out, make police statements , go into a refuge etc. Yet he hasn't hit me once.

Abusive relationships don't start off abusive. It's slow and gradual until you think it's normal, it's you not them, you just need to wait for the right time, or the right words, or the right tone, or after his favourite dinner, or when his football team has won, or ad infinitum. There are cycles of good and bad. In the beginning it's more good (because you would leave if it wasn't) with the odd bad to check your tolerance. Then slowly it will be 50%, and if you don't leave then it's 70% bad to good. Just enough good to make you remember how it was. If only you could change yourself, your behaviour, to get that back. Because you know its you. He told you that. It's called training.

He will never change. He will never give you what you want. But you will die a little more inside each day.

The question you need to ask yourself is this. Can I accept this relationship as it is now for the next ten years? I think you would answer HELL NO. So why wait?

Mate, he is a world class cunt. Get rid of him and enjoy life again.

This actually made me laugh. I needed a chuckle.

Read Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl too.

I’m sorry you’ve had 3 decades of misery!
This is exactly how this relationship is where it started off wonderful. He would get so excited when I came to visit and be extremely attentive and caring and affectionate, great listener. Then as times gone by in has crept the apathy, criticism, making little effort, wanting things all his way, nastiness. I’ve had moments where he’s had me in tears and he will say don’t be dramatic and woe is me. He makes out that I give him a hard time and it’s like he’s the one suffering and then I feel guilty.