Is He Gaslighting Me

[Claireb76]

Hey There

Im 47, been seeing a guy for just on 3 years. Haven’t moved in with him and he works away half the time but see him when I can. He’s intelligent, hard working, confident, financially stable and grounded.
My issue is I don’t know if he is gaslighting me sometimes or just on a different wavelength to me emotionally.
He was amazing in the beginning of the relationship. However as time has gone on he’s become more moody and unpredictable and blows hot and cold. I’ve tried talking to him about it because he will go through phases where I feel it’s an effort to talk to me and all I’ll get is a quick kiss hi and bye when I visit. He will be disengaged and snappy and cynical. It hurts me and then I try discuss it and he will tell me to back off and stop being intense and dramatic and stop pissing him off acting like a teenager. To my knowledge I don’t say or do anything to make him withdraw. I listen when he talks, I care, I’m affectionate, I look after his pets and home when he’s away for work. I don’t make demands of his time and visit him when it suits him. He will have times where there’s no intimacy or anything. I bring this up and he rolls his eyes at me.
He talks to ex girlfriends sometimes and I have to accept that but he gets angry over me talking to a man that has only ever been a friend, nothing sexual. Double standards.
Sometimes when he’s in his moods and I say anything, he tells me to shut the fuck up and chill out. I get upset over being sworn at but he trivialises it.
I have felt at times like ending the relationship because I get insecure and don’t know where I stand and cannot communicate properly with him. He says it’s all in my head and I need to grow up and stop being demanding or I’ll be a lonely woman.

Exactly this regarding the crumbs… She is now trained on intermittent rewards. Going between the cycle of being hopeful, experiencing painful, cognitive dissonance, then being relieved by small little crumb.

and the sad thing is, that small little crumb is nothing. She has learned to minimize her needs and expectations to the point where any tiny morsel of a fragment is the whole enchilada.

I’m not accepting his offer. I learnt from the last time it’s a facade

Thank you for this encouragement

You are so brave to have done this. I wish I had your courage. Good luck, your life begins now, block him. Xx 💐

I thought you were the most negative person he has ever met and you ruin everything? How come he wants to whisk you off? I'd be tempted to just reply with a simple 'No thanks', leave it a while then block.

I thought you were the most negative person he has ever met and you ruin everything? How come he wants to whisk you off? I'd be tempted to just reply with a simple 'No thanks', leave it a while then block.

I'd not reply at all, and block immediately. You ended the relationship (well done!!). Don't entertain any further contact. Don't waste any of your valuable time reading any texts he sends. Just. Block.

Well-done on getting out.
People worth bpd unfortunately often attract people with npd (narcissists) who prey on their insecurities and fear of abandonment.

Yes. It’s very confusing. Is weird and avoidant when I’m with him, tells me all these negative things about myself yet doesn’t seem to want me gone

Càts don't love mice.
Serial killers don't love their victims.
Bullies dont love people they bully.

We think of love as being why people stay together because we're not predators. It just doesn't occur to us that people would stay with people just to harm or exploit them. Just to drain them dry.

He didn't want you gone because he enjoys treating you like shit. It's how he got his kicks. Making himself feel the big man by putting women down.

This is a good way of explaining it!

This.

He's not gaslighting you - that means lying to deliberately mislead and confuse you. He hasn't misled you: he's perfectly honest about what he wants from the relationship, which is for you to quietly do his household tasks in the shadows where he doesn't have to pay you much attention.

You're co-dependent. Dump him, read the book and do the course. You'll feel so much better!

What relationship? You being the unpaid pet sitter?

Think you’re right. With his job changing he might be going away for up to 2 months at a time. I’d be a very convenient dog sitter and maid

Sorry to disagree with you but it’s not confusing at all.

He is just nice [ enough ] to you to keep you doing what he wants - looking after his house and his pets , coming round to his when he wants attention and sex on demand.

But when you start asking for attention and affection ( as if you were an actual human being with feelings ), he gets angry. He insults you because he wants to you either piss off home when you are feeling needy . Or to learn to STFU about yourself and concentrate on him.

He wants to visit / engage / have sex / talk when HE wants to, not when you want to.

He doesn’t think it’s his job to meet any of your needs for love /affection / attention.

You are only confused because you are labouring under the delusion that you are in a reciprocal relationship. If you understood that you are in fact unpaid staff, it’s all perfectly clear.

He doesn’t want to lose the free domestic servicing, so he does and says just the bare minimum to keep you .

He doesn’t care about you anymore than I care about my washing machine.

Oh yes I like it and it’s worked well for 13 years . So If it stops working or makes a strange noise , I might spend 15 mins watching a YouTube video to see if I can work out what the problem is.

I might even call out out a repair person. But probably not TBH due to it’s age and it’s probably a better investment to buy a new one.

Im not thinking about the washing machine’s feelings or considering its years of loyal service . I’m just annoyed that it’s no longer doing its job and working out the cheapest and easier way to get my laundry service back.

The week’s holiday at the beach that you think you’ve been promised is cheaper for him than two months dog and house sitting . If you are foolish enough to go back to him, I guarantee it won’t happen. There will be some good reason, no doubt your fault.

Well written and worded thank you. Makes perfect sense

What @AndyMcFlurry said. A perfect description of how (covert) narcissists operate

They have to be very skilled actors because the loving, kind, caring moments seem so real.

They are just liars Claire, that's all. They have ramped up the lies to create a fantasy world and hurt those that try to break that creation and pull them into reality.

But fundamentally they are liars. You cannot trust anything that comes out of their mouth, good or bad.

Ironic they can point out narcissism in others but not see the same traits in themselves

I know it's Dr Phil, but he makes some useful points

Pretty much spot on except my bf (ex bf now) has never acted meek and mild. He always is confident and assertive, outspoken and full of himself for what he owns due to his hard work and intelligence