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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is He Gaslighting Me

171 replies

Claireb76 · 29/07/2023 05:12

Hey There

Im 47, been seeing a guy for just on 3 years. Haven’t moved in with him and he works away half the time but see him when I can. He’s intelligent, hard working, confident, financially stable and grounded.
My issue is I don’t know if he is gaslighting me sometimes or just on a different wavelength to me emotionally.
He was amazing in the beginning of the relationship. However as time has gone on he’s become more moody and unpredictable and blows hot and cold. I’ve tried talking to him about it because he will go through phases where I feel it’s an effort to talk to me and all I’ll get is a quick kiss hi and bye when I visit. He will be disengaged and snappy and cynical. It hurts me and then I try discuss it and he will tell me to back off and stop being intense and dramatic and stop pissing him off acting like a teenager. To my knowledge I don’t say or do anything to make him withdraw. I listen when he talks, I care, I’m affectionate, I look after his pets and home when he’s away for work. I don’t make demands of his time and visit him when it suits him. He will have times where there’s no intimacy or anything. I bring this up and he rolls his eyes at me.
He talks to ex girlfriends sometimes and I have to accept that but he gets angry over me talking to a man that has only ever been a friend, nothing sexual. Double standards.
Sometimes when he’s in his moods and I say anything, he tells me to shut the fuck up and chill out. I get upset over being sworn at but he trivialises it.
I have felt at times like ending the relationship because I get insecure and don’t know where I stand and cannot communicate properly with him. He says it’s all in my head and I need to grow up and stop being demanding or I’ll be a lonely woman.

OP posts:
Siouxiesiouxiesioux · 30/07/2023 07:58

Claireb76 · 30/07/2023 01:03

I think this is why I’ve struggled and am struggling because everyone had their perspective on things. If he was posting on here I could easily look like a mental case.
All I know is I cannot talk to him as he shuts me down. Whatever I feel worried or upset about he says is nonsense and I must wake up and adjust my attitude

if he was posting on here some of us would see through it. Many of us believe you. Get out while you can.

Maniplusa · 30/07/2023 08:02

I had an ex boyfriend who sent me a string of abusive texts after I finished with him. He said I would end up sad and alone without him.

I wish I'd sent him this 🤷‍♀️ or 👍 in response!

I met my husband the following year and we have a very happy marriage and 3 beautiful kids. This was 15 years ago and the ex boyfriend still lives at home with his mummy 😄

Original poster
Claireb76 · 30/07/2023 08:18

Thank you for what you’ve written. It is so clear and makes a lot of sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
Claireb76 · 30/07/2023 08:20

So glad you met a wonderful man and proved him wrong

OP posts:
Original poster
Claireb76 · 30/07/2023 08:29

One thing I will add is that he has told me to stop overthinking everything and letting my feelings dictate. I must look at FACTS -the fact he hasn’t broken up with me or replaced me and has even offered me to move in. Apparently if he didn’t love me or care, why would he offer to share his house with me 🤔

OP posts:
ProseccoOnTap · 30/07/2023 09:06

The cynic in me says that he's just doing that to manipulate you in to doing what he wants.

Manipulative men can be charming to her what they want ie narcissistic hoovering.

Once you're back under control then he'll revert to type again.

Original poster
Claireb76 · 30/07/2023 09:35

Yes unfortunately. I know couples go through a honeymoon phase but it shouldn’t mean when that initial new love phase passes that there should be an almost nonchalance

OP posts:
Maniplusa · 30/07/2023 09:42

Claireb76 · 30/07/2023 08:29

One thing I will add is that he has told me to stop overthinking everything and letting my feelings dictate. I must look at FACTS -the fact he hasn’t broken up with me or replaced me and has even offered me to move in. Apparently if he didn’t love me or care, why would he offer to share his house with me 🤔

Well, maybe 'facts' work for him but feeling loved and appreciated is also important to you. That's enough reason to break up with someone. Why does his criteria for a satisfying relationship trump yours? He should go and find someone who quantifies love with a spreadsheet and you can find someone to have a normal relationship with.

If you verbally abused your kids, went hot and cold, snapped and swore at them but said that the proof of your love was in the fact that you provided food, shelter and clothing for them, do you think that would be good parenting? Don't allow this.man to demean you for a moment longer.

Remember: it doesn't actually matter what he says about you. You won't suddenly start being happy if you decide to focus on the facts. If you're not happy, you're not happy and that's FINE! You are entitled to not be happy and end the relationship because of it!

ThePM · 30/07/2023 09:54

Claireb76 · 30/07/2023 08:29

One thing I will add is that he has told me to stop overthinking everything and letting my feelings dictate. I must look at FACTS -the fact he hasn’t broken up with me or replaced me and has even offered me to move in. Apparently if he didn’t love me or care, why would he offer to share his house with me 🤔

Because he’s getting regular sex and a woman to blame his life on?

Original poster
Claireb76 · 30/07/2023 10:02

If only the sex part was true. That area has a lot to be desired too. Only when suits him as usually pornography is more important

OP posts:
TheAverageJoanne · 30/07/2023 10:04

END IT NOW!

Maniplusa · 30/07/2023 10:13

Claireb76 · 30/07/2023 10:02

If only the sex part was true. That area has a lot to be desired too. Only when suits him as usually pornography is more important

It gets worse!!!

Thelastwaltz · 30/07/2023 10:17

He talks to ex girlfriends sometimes and I have to accept that but he gets angry over me talking to a man that has only ever been a friend, nothing sexual. Double standards.

Sometimes when he’s in his moods and I say anything, he tells me to shut the fuck up and chill out

He says it’s all in my head and I need to grow up and stop being demanding or I’ll be a lonely woman.

^^
This is not 'gaslighting OP, it's just plain verbal abuse.

Please leave ASAP.

Original poster
Claireb76 · 30/07/2023 10:21

Posting on here has given me the confidence to walk away from this knowing it’s the right thing to do

OP posts:
Maniplusa · 30/07/2023 10:23

Claireb76 · 30/07/2023 10:21

Posting on here has given me the confidence to walk away from this knowing it’s the right thing to do

👏 👏 👏 👏 go you, OP! You can do it! Don't be with this waster a second longer. He isn't the man for you. Let us know how you get on!

ThePM · 30/07/2023 10:29

Claireb76 · 30/07/2023 10:21

Posting on here has given me the confidence to walk away from this knowing it’s the right thing to do

Congratulations! Watch your life get so much better from now on.

PatrickGammon · 30/07/2023 10:42

I was you OP. In my twenties. Hell, even up to my early 30s. I'm single now and far happier and more content than I ever was in a relationship.

I don't understand these abusive men, but I've given up trying. They are not my problem to sort.

Walk away OP, please, for your own sanity. This man will strip you of your confidence completely and try to trap you into feeling you can never do better. It's all bollocks. Tell him it's over and block him. He doesnt understand what makes a good relationship and doesnt care enough to learn.

Original poster
Claireb76 · 30/07/2023 11:14

I haven’t been completely transparent in my posts. I was diagnosed 8 years ago with borderline personality disorder and I know that makes it hard to regulate emotions and am more sensitive than normal and low esteem. However my bf blames absolutely everything on my mental health and says anyone will find me a challenge and I should see he loves me as he’s tolerated my ‘condition’ even though it makes me toxic at times

OP posts:
Thelastwaltz · 30/07/2023 11:27

my bf blames absolutely everything on my mental health and says anyone will find me a challenge and I should see he loves me as he’s tolerated my ‘condition’ even though it makes me toxic at times

That's just plain nasty OP.

Being ill doesn't mean you should be on the receiving end of someone's verbal abuse.

Please leave.

Pixiedust1234 · 30/07/2023 11:37

Just stop it Claire. Please.

Even if it was you this relationship is too toxic to continue. But it isn't. Please seek counselling. Are you under a consultant or GP for your condition as they might be able to refer you quicker.

All I know is I cannot talk to him as he shuts me down. Whatever I feel worried or upset about he says is nonsense and I must wake up and adjust my attitude
If you can't talk to him then there's no point staying. Partnerships, whether personal or business, need clear and reciprocal communication.

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/
Signs of domestic violence and abuse
There are different kinds of abuse, but it's always about having power and control over you.
If you answer yes to any of the following questions, you might be in an abusive relationship or experiencing domestic abuse.
Emotional abuse
Does your partner or someone you live with ever:

  • belittle you, or put you down?
  • blame you for the abuse or arguments?
  • deny that abuse is happening, or downplay it?
  • isolate you from your family and friends?
  • stop you going to college or work?
  • make unreasonable demands for your attention?
  • accuse you of flirting or having affairs?
  • tell you what to wear, who to see, where to go, and what to think?
  • control your money, or not give you enough to buy food or other essential things?
  • monitor your social media profiles, share photos or videos of you without your consent or use GPS locators to know where you are?
Threats and intimidation Does your partner or someone you live with ever:
  • threaten to hurt or kill you?
  • destroy things that belong to you?
  • stand over you, invade your personal space?
  • threaten to kill themselves or the children?
  • read your emails, texts or letters?
  • harass or follow you?
Etc

Or perhaps you would rather read what the government says?
https://www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help#recognise-domestic-abuse

Coffeeandanap · 30/07/2023 11:45

Let’s say you were being needy & insecure (which it 100% sounds like you’re not, if anything you’re being way too accommodating I’m not asking for time, all on his terms etc etc)
but say you were - do you really think you should be with someone who’s reaction to this isn’t to try to compassionately work through why that might be & address it, but instead swears at you & uses derogatory language like saying you’ll be a lonely woman?
He’s not the only man in the world and he certainly doesn’t sound like a good one.

Dump him & spend some time on your own, build yourself up after what sounds like a really difficult few years

Original poster
Claireb76 · 30/07/2023 11:48

I hear what you’re saying and he’s not violent but is nasty verbally often, impatient and emotionally unsupportive

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 30/07/2023 12:03

Claireb76 · 30/07/2023 11:48

I hear what you’re saying and he’s not violent but is nasty verbally often, impatient and emotionally unsupportive

My DH has never hit me and yet women's aid, refuge, GP, multiple medical people , local DV centre have all told me to report him to the police for DA. They all think it's bad enough for a refuge place but like you, I'm in denial over how bad it might actually be. But I am listening so now I'm trying to find a way out but I might have to go that way.

You have your own home. You have your own money. You have no children together. You dont live in the same area/same friends. You don't need him except for emotional connections and to enhance your life and he's refusing to do that. Tell him it's over, block him on your phone, contact your GP for support. Done and dusted in 5 minutes. Getting you back to yourself will take a bit longer but it's possible Flowers

Original poster
Claireb76 · 30/07/2023 12:08

Thank you. I’ll start reading this today!

OP posts:
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