Is He Gaslighting Me

[Claireb76]

Hey There

Im 47, been seeing a guy for just on 3 years. Haven’t moved in with him and he works away half the time but see him when I can. He’s intelligent, hard working, confident, financially stable and grounded.
My issue is I don’t know if he is gaslighting me sometimes or just on a different wavelength to me emotionally.
He was amazing in the beginning of the relationship. However as time has gone on he’s become more moody and unpredictable and blows hot and cold. I’ve tried talking to him about it because he will go through phases where I feel it’s an effort to talk to me and all I’ll get is a quick kiss hi and bye when I visit. He will be disengaged and snappy and cynical. It hurts me and then I try discuss it and he will tell me to back off and stop being intense and dramatic and stop pissing him off acting like a teenager. To my knowledge I don’t say or do anything to make him withdraw. I listen when he talks, I care, I’m affectionate, I look after his pets and home when he’s away for work. I don’t make demands of his time and visit him when it suits him. He will have times where there’s no intimacy or anything. I bring this up and he rolls his eyes at me.
He talks to ex girlfriends sometimes and I have to accept that but he gets angry over me talking to a man that has only ever been a friend, nothing sexual. Double standards.
Sometimes when he’s in his moods and I say anything, he tells me to shut the fuck up and chill out. I get upset over being sworn at but he trivialises it.
I have felt at times like ending the relationship because I get insecure and don’t know where I stand and cannot communicate properly with him. He says it’s all in my head and I need to grow up and stop being demanding or I’ll be a lonely woman.

You will never get clarity on what this man needs, or recognition for the effort you make to meet those needs.
That would spoil his game!

He needs you to be constantly floundering so he can manipulate.

I'm sorry he has held you in that awful place so long, but at least you are starting to see your needs won't ever be met in this sorry sham of a relationship.

There is no point trying to reason with him. It won’t be possible. Your mental health is taking a bashing to the extent that you are losing touch with yourself. He has wriggled into your mind and taken control. As far as I am concerned you only have one option and I think you know what it is. If you are not sure I will spell it out Leave. The. Bastard. Doing so will be the first step in re-learning how to trust yourself and regain the power he has stolen from you.

Thank you to everyone for your help.
It can be hard for me based on things he says to me as to what is my fault versus what is his fault. When I’m repeatedly told nothing is wrong and it’s all in my head because there’s something wrong with me - then I doubt myself a lot. Then I worry if I’m the problem that no relationship with anyone will work because I’m warped (his words).

based on things he says to me
it’s all in my head because there’s something wrong with me
because I’m warped (his words).

Stop believing what he is saying about you. If you were truly that horrible he would have left (and you are not btw).

Go to your GP or pay for counselling privately. Listen to them instead. They might not know you but they will certainly know him.

Get rid. He sounds like an absolute dickhead.

He’s utterly contemptuous of you. You’re basically just his housekeeper that he treats like shit.

He’s likely cheating when he’s away.

He sounds absolutely horrible.

He sounds absolutely awful!
Poor you xx

He's gaslighting you. If you're trying to communicate and express your feelings and he's replying like that, at very best he's dismissing your feelings and needs then blaming you for your understandable and natural response. I'm sorry, it must be so painful for you, but he doesn't sound good for you at all.
The trick is to turn it round so instead of wondering what's going on and trying to work out if you're behaving in any way to cause his behaviour...you simply ask, 'what do I want/need to be happy?'

Easier said than done, but just keeping that as a focus or goal can help get through the fogginess such gaslighting can cause.

You asked "Is he gaslighting me?".

Now read what you wrote again, and ask yourself this: if your friend came to you and told you that her partner was making her feel the way you do, and that he kept telling her that everything was her fault, what would you say to her? Would you tell her she's being stupid and it's all in her head, or would you tell her that her DP is a despicable gaslighting swine and she needs to dump him?

It’s better to be treated badly by nobody than to be treated badly by some selfish bloke.

Dump his ass, he is a twat. You sound lovely and he's not worthy of you.

He's a miserable shit, walk away with your head half high and have the last laugh OP.

Held*

It can be hard for me based on things he says to me as to what is my fault versus what is his fault. When I’m repeatedly told nothing is wrong and it’s all in my head because there’s something wrong with me - then I doubt myself a lot. Then I worry if I’m the problem that no relationship with anyone will work because I’m warped (his words).

Look, the simple fact is that you and he are seriously at odds with how you see the world/reality.

You think he's often apathetic, nasty, gaslighty, callous and critical. He thinks you're demanding and oversensitive and his shortcomings are all in your head.

And either of you could be right! Maybe it's you and maybe its him. None of us here on MN know you or him, and none of us witnessed the myriad situations that led up to you coming here to talk about this. From what you say, it sounds like you've got a closer grip on reality than he does, but of course, that's because you've posted from your own perspective. His perspective might seem equally convincing if he posted from it.

The important thing is not 'who's right and who's wrong', it's that there is no overlap between your perspectives. There's no comfortable place of agreement that will allow you to move forward happily together in your relationship when there's such a gap between your perspectives and he's unwilling to treat your experience and feelings as legitimate or work towards a resolution.

You could decide that he's 'right' and you're the problem, and stay in the relationship trying harder to ignore your actual feelings just like he does, and attempting to figure out how to 'be' so that he will become less critical, less nasty and less apathetic towards you. Maybe go to the gym/get a boob job? Offer more sex? Never complain again?

Is that going to result in you being happy? I doubt it. Or you could stop looking for him to validate YOUR ACTUAL EXPERIENCE AND FEELINGS and validate them for yourself.

The way you do that is to say to yourself:

"I feel criticised, and ignored, and spoken down to, and treated like an option by the person who has the privilege of taking up the space in my life reserved for a romantic partner. The way he treats me makes me unhappy. And he doesn't care about how I feel, and thinks I'm wrong to feel this way. So I know he's not going to change. But my feelings are valid TO ME and they're telling me I'm worth more than the treatment I'm getting. So I'm going to act like I believe in myself instead of him, and stop giving space in my life to someone who mostly makes me feel miserable and doubtful about myself."

Stop being so meek, bowing and scraping to this twat.

Get rid of him and work on your personal boundaries

I think this is why I’ve struggled and am struggling because everyone had their perspective on things. If he was posting on here I could easily look like a mental case.
All I know is I cannot talk to him as he shuts me down. Whatever I feel worried or upset about he says is nonsense and I must wake up and adjust my attitude

Your mental health is suffering due to this man. Is that normal? You are not being unreasonable - he’s is gaslighting you and not meeting your needs. I’d suggest you widen your social network and not be as available. You are not getting what you need from this relationship. He is - it suits him - it’s not suiting you. He doesn’t talk to you respectfully and places all the blame on you. That’s not normal or healthy. What does he bring to the relationship. Would you consider counselling for yourself. You seen like a very reasonable person and you don’t put any demands on him. He’s a bit of a shit really and you are tolerating. 🌺

Sounds like an attachment style problem. If he’s dismissive/ avoidant attachment, things will never change.

it’s hell to try to build a secure life with someone like this. Sorry, OP.

but also, regardless of reasons, the things he’s saying to you are cruel.

Ultimately, it doesn’t matter who is “right” - what matters is that you seem unhappy. If you do not feel secure and fulfilled, it’s time to cut your losses and go.
this seems to be eroding your self esteem and happiness. It’s really not worth it, OP.

how much is he going to require that you stifle yourself and shrink yourself to please him? F*ck that. Your needs are valid.

It probably suits him to have you looking after his place and pets while he's away.

Other than that, it doesn't sound like he much cares for you.

Do yourself a favour and leave him (then try to recover some self-esteem.)

I will be walking away from this. I suppose it’s just his words resonate in my head and have made me think what if I am the problem and will sabotage any relationship.
I do agree though I would benefit from some personal counselling.

Op I've been here. Something I've learned is that if you arent happy, you arent happy. Your partner is trying to qualify your level of happiness but telling you your own emotions are invalid. In reality, if you weren't happy because your partner always wears red shoes, and you don't like the colour red, you are still completely within your rights to end the relationship. It doesn't matter if you're 'needy' or any of the other accusations he makes.

As it happens, no average woman with a normal self esteem would be happy with this. Your partner is relying on you believing him to keep you around without having to do anything to be nice to you, unless it suits him.

I've been with my husband for 14 years and he is kind, even tempered and has never sworn at me as long as I've known him. The nice version of your partner is not the real him but he will whip out Mr Nice if he thinks he is going to lose his housekeeper (sorry). Don't fall for it when he puts on the charm.

If he tries to blame you by saying you're crazy or nobody else want you, just shrug your shoulders like you do not care, and continue with your break up. Remember, it takes just one person to break up: the other person doesn't have to agree. Once you say its over, it's over. Block and disengage.

Get him out of your life! Even your family and children think he is bad news, and if you let this undeserving bully stay in your life, things will only get worse and you'll wonder how you ended up such an absolute shell of yourself. You are worth so much more than this.

Remember, you can end any relationship for any reason, and when you say its over, it's over.

Future you will thank you for this!

I don’t get how someone can be so amazing at times but then so nasty other times. It’s a real Jekyll and Hyde and I’d hate to think that I’m such a nightmare I can cause someone to snap like that. It’s not healthy having to almost bet for someone’s attention and earn their affection

Thank you.
As I said in a previous post, once before I was going to leave and he started being very sweet to me but it didn’t last long. So if he acts loving and different now when I say it’s over, I know it will be a pretense which is sad

I don’t even know why you are asking @Claireb76 as it’s clear that you already know the relationship is functional and possibly abusive.
It really doesn’t matter whether his behaviour is “ok”, it only matters whether you think you deserve to be putting up with it.

If somebody (you) were that hard to get along with, the other person (him) should finish the relationship. He is under no obligation to stay with you if you annoy him so much, but actually it suits him for you to think that you are difficult to get on with because it keeps you in your place. Doubting yourself, thinking its your fault and almost feeling grateful to him for sticking around when nobody else would have you. This is all part of his manipulation.

Knowledge is power, OP. You now know that he is reading straight from the same rule book as every other narcissistic, emotionally abusive manipulator. He relies on you blaming yourself and putting up with how he treats you. He also relies on you placing value in his opinion of you.

If you very simply shift gears in your mind, try to remember that it doesn't actually matter if you are difficult to get along with (you're not)-you are still free to walk at any point for any reason. You actually have all of the power here which is why he tries so hard to keep you down.

Have a sentence ready to dispatch. He will get desperate and try everything- the charm and the offense!

If it was me, I'd probably say something like:

' I seem to annoy you a lot and I don't want to be with someone who seems so irritated by me all the time. All the best for the future'. Block.

If he tries to woo you back, say something like 'no thanks, I've made up my mind'.

If he tries to tell you how bleak your future is without him, unwaveringly tell him 'I've made up my mind'. Don't engage after that.