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Original poster

Husband always checking up on me

165 replies

Masterofhappydays · 28/07/2023 11:42

This is a really weird one. I sound totally loopy writing it out but any insight I’d appreciate so much.
Married to DH for 17 yrs. Happy etc.

I find though he is always checking up on me and I’m not sure what to make of it.

I am doing two masters degrees at the moment and we have 4 DC, I also work too at a school. So the only time I get to do my masters coursework is in the evenings and my day off midweek.

While I am upstairs doing my studying, he is constantly coming up, almost like he’s checking up on me. For example, he’ll bring me a coffee or snack (so very welcome!), but I know his secret agenda is to see what I’m up to. He knows I am studying!!! Sometimes he’ll come upstairs to “collect a mug” or a random item. Or he’ll come upstairs to use the upstairs toilet even though there is one downstairs. He doesn’t disturb me usually, he does it all in silence but it’s really weird and is starting to get annoying. I know he’s only doing this to walk past the room I’m in to check out what I’m up to. I feel like he thinks I’m doing something else. If I do shut the door, he is constantly coming in asking me if I want anything. So I can’t say “yes to be fucking left alone” because he’s ‘being nice’ while spying. I literally just want to study in peace. Each time he’s walking past now I just get annoyed and lose track of thought.

This eve, I’m trying to watch some tutorials on zoom which were recorded and in the half hour I’ve been up here he’s made me two coffees, asked me if I need anything once, walked in to collect an empty mug once, walked in to get a pair of socks once (even though he has a pair on and there’s about 250 pairs downstairs in the clean washing pile that needs to be brought up), used the upstairs loo once and has randomly walked passed one more time. That is within just under 30 mins that he’s ‘checked up’ on me seven times. This is happening every single time now. What the fuck??

I know this is such a minor issue in the grand scheme of things but it’s really bugging me now. I know if I tell him to not disturb me he’ll be passive aggressive and miserable for days with the intention to make me feel shit (which I won’t)….

Any ideas why he’s doing this? He gets plenty of attention, I literally try and study 2-3 nights a week but the more he disturbs me the more nights I’m going to have to study. He’s a bloody 45 year old man, he can make do without me for a few hours a night I do know.

OP posts:
FoodFann · 28/07/2023 11:48

Is he bored/lonely?

RedHelenB · 28/07/2023 11:49

FoodFann · 28/07/2023 11:48

Is he bored/lonely?

This.

Original poster
Masterofhappydays · 28/07/2023 11:53

Possibly.
It is two nights per week though. There’s sport on TV, Netflix, four children he can assist with homework or spend time with, housework. I spend time with him when he gets home from work and we eat as a family. I just need/want a couple of hours in the evening twice a week.

OP posts:
BranchGold · 28/07/2023 11:54

Does he have any interests/hobbies of his own? I think he probably just misses you. You sound like you have a very busy life, and you’re managing it well considering you’re doing two masters simultaneously in 3 evenings so fair play to you!

Original poster
Masterofhappydays · 28/07/2023 11:55

I don’t believe it’s because he’s bored or lonely though. Our children want to do things with him and he kind of brushes them off to spy on me. I just have a gut feeling he’s checking up on me, like he’s thinking I’m up to no good. Which I’m not, so I’ve got nothing to hide so it’s just annoying to me now. This has been going on for almost a year.

OP posts:
TheCatterall · 28/07/2023 11:57

@Masterofhappydays sounds like a delicate conversation needs having.

“I love you DP and appreciate the brews etc whilst I’m studying but I’m finding the frequency of your visits and need to be in the room is interrupting my studying flow and making it harder to get back to concentrating.

I suggest that I have x amount of time uninterrupted with no disruptions and then when I’m done we can chill out and watch [generic show name]. What do you think?”

at home when I need time in ‘the zone’ my door is shut. My big noise cancelling headphones are on (that way they don’t know if I’m listening to a video, on an webinar or quite often - podcasts or music). And I’ll ignore everything unless there is a literal fire.

fantasmasgoria1 · 28/07/2023 11:57

Have you ever asked him why he is doing this? He could be bored or feeling lonely or he could be doing what you have suspected.

Original poster
Masterofhappydays · 28/07/2023 11:59

BranchGold · 28/07/2023 11:54

Does he have any interests/hobbies of his own? I think he probably just misses you. You sound like you have a very busy life, and you’re managing it well considering you’re doing two masters simultaneously in 3 evenings so fair play to you!

He does. He plays indoor cricket once a week after work and is on another sport team which he also goes to once a week.

We spend so much time together aside from these few hours a few evenings a week.

The challenging thing is, when I do just give up on my work and go to spend time with him, he’ll just watch TV or get his own laptop out to do work admin! So I don’t think it’s because he’s missing me or wanting to spend time with me, I think he’s checking I’m not doing some crazy only fans things or having some sort of affair while reading research papers!

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 28/07/2023 11:59

He likes you.
He misses you

GingerIsBest · 28/07/2023 11:59

I know if I tell him to not disturb me he’ll be passive aggressive and miserable for days with the intention to make me feel shit (which I won’t)…

This is the most important sentence in your post. So, you say you're generally happy etc, but it's also clear that you are fully aware that when you do things he doesn't like, he will make life difficult for you. This is the essence of a controlling man.

Does he want you to not study? Perhaps he's expressed "concern" that it's all too much for you? Or that you don't need it for your career/personal development? Prior to studying, did you feel obliged to always spend evenings with him? Is your studying requiring him to step up more with cooking/cleaning/childcare/parenting? Does he regularly get difficult if you want time alone - eg to meet girlfriends, do something for yourself, go to the gym etc?

The checking up on you serves 2 purposes: it's a passive aggressive way to make it more likely that you will fail and it's also because quite likely, in some part of his brain, he suspects you're using this free time as a way to message other men or do something you "shouldn't".

pikkumyy77 · 28/07/2023 11:59

This is quite creepy though. If he is brushing off the needs of four children to do this it sounds like an attempt to control you. If your relationship is so good why can’t you tell him to knock it off? And if your relationship can’t manage thst its not so good.

user1492757084 · 28/07/2023 12:01

Thank him for the first cup of coffee and ask to be left alone so you can finish up more quickly.

Iheartmysmart · 28/07/2023 12:02

Why on earth is it up to OP to entertain her husband who is presumably a fully functioning adult.

I’d tell him that you’ll let him know if you need anything then shut the door.

He sounds like a complete pain in the arse with controlling tendencies.

TiredButDancing · 28/07/2023 12:04

I am shocked at the posters who are concerned he might be "lonely". FFS. He's a grown man, with 4 children, and a wife who is simply taking a small amount of time to do something that's important to her. OP - this behaviour is 100% not okay.

Incidentally, this was one of the very first red flags for exBIL. When him and SIL got together she was working full time AND studying. He was CONSTANTLY complaining about her studying instead of spending time with him and did everything in his power to sabotage her. I just wish she'd seen it as the red flag it was and dumped him then.

JibbaJab · 28/07/2023 12:05

I think this isn't so much that he's checking on you but rather he prefers to be in your company. If you spend a lot of time together otherwise he may have got used to just being with you and that would include being on his laptop, you're still there.

There may be some insecurities there as a result of this perhaps but it could also be he's trying to be helpful but at the same time is missing you.

I would just have a conversation with him and say you appreciate what he's doing but there's nothing to worry about and you just need time alone to concentrate and the distractions are making it harder not better. Say the more time I have to concentrate the quicker I'll be done and we can spend time together.

Original poster
Masterofhappydays · 28/07/2023 12:05

GingerIsBest · 28/07/2023 11:59

I know if I tell him to not disturb me he’ll be passive aggressive and miserable for days with the intention to make me feel shit (which I won’t)…

This is the most important sentence in your post. So, you say you're generally happy etc, but it's also clear that you are fully aware that when you do things he doesn't like, he will make life difficult for you. This is the essence of a controlling man.

Does he want you to not study? Perhaps he's expressed "concern" that it's all too much for you? Or that you don't need it for your career/personal development? Prior to studying, did you feel obliged to always spend evenings with him? Is your studying requiring him to step up more with cooking/cleaning/childcare/parenting? Does he regularly get difficult if you want time alone - eg to meet girlfriends, do something for yourself, go to the gym etc?

The checking up on you serves 2 purposes: it's a passive aggressive way to make it more likely that you will fail and it's also because quite likely, in some part of his brain, he suspects you're using this free time as a way to message other men or do something you "shouldn't".

Funny enough, he encourages me to do the studying and is generally supportive. The shirking of parenting is probably the likely cause (one of our children is a toddler who requires him to parent).

I am so sure he probably thinks I am messaging men or something.

I can say something, and have before. But it’s met with really low level passive aggressive behaviour. He’ll ‘spy’ less for a day or so but then it just picks up again.

He isn’t doing it out of boredom or loneliness.

Going for the noise cancelling headphones like someone suggested and I’ll just ignore. He can watch me drool over Google scholar if that’s what floats his boat

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 28/07/2023 12:05

Just tell him to stop it, he is sabotaging your efforts, he isn't being nice at all, not really, so let him sulk, focus on what you need for those times and he can suck it up.

catsnhats11 · 28/07/2023 12:06

user1492757084 · 28/07/2023 11:59

He likes you.
He misses you

Then he would let her get on with her studies, which is the best thing for her, she's only upstairs for a few hours.

JibbaJab · 28/07/2023 12:08

I can say something, and have before. But it’s met with really low level passive aggressive behaviour. He’ll ‘spy’ less for a day or so but then it just picks up again.

Oh, well then perhaps he's just being controlling then. Weird to support it but then also not allow it. Maybe this requires a firm back the eff off?

continentallentil · 28/07/2023 12:11

Why do you think he thinks you are messaging men online. It just seems an odd thing for him to think given he encourages you to study and there must be enough stuff around to make it obvious that’s what you are doing.

As a PP says the most telling thing in your post is he makes your life miserable if he doesn’t get his way.

You need not to give into this or it will get worse. I wonder if he is worried that your studies will take you away from him ie you’ll get a better job and decide you could do better?

Anyway you need to have it out with him - if you were working from home he couldn’t be wandering in and out of the room you are using. Tell him he needs to leave you be.

Original poster
Masterofhappydays · 28/07/2023 12:12

catsnhats11 · 28/07/2023 12:06

Then he would let her get on with her studies, which is the best thing for her, she's only upstairs for a few hours.

Show quote history

Exactly, it’s honestly a couple of hours 2-3 times a week.

There is a tonne of things he can do around the house if he’s bored.

If he’s lonely we have four lively children, 3 of whom are amazing teenagers who are a joy to hang out with. Or he can call his mum or a friend.

It’s not boredom or loneliness, it’s spying under the guise of being helpful.

BTW. I am painting him in a negative light here, he is otherwise truly amazing. Bit lazy with trying to opt out of being the default parent but in general he is great. It’s just this bloody checking up on me that is bugging me.

I am ordering headphones now and if that doesn’t work then I’ll be going to the uni library to study instead I think.

Sorry for ranting!

OP posts:
sparkiesparkle · 28/07/2023 12:13

Every time he comes upstairs, give him a job to do or an errand

continentallentil · 28/07/2023 12:14

user1492757084 · 28/07/2023 11:59

He likes you.
He misses you

For two nights a week that is not it.

He is being controlling. He doesn’t like the OP having an element to her life that doesn’t involve him.

This is controlling behaviour OP and it inevitably gets worse. So you have to push back.

pinkyredrose · 28/07/2023 12:15

So I can’t say “yes to be fucking left alone” because he’s ‘being nice’

You certainly can say that!

Seaweed42 · 28/07/2023 12:15

He could just be 'proximity-seeking' like an attention seeking child.

He simply cannot bear you to be out of his eyesight when you are in the house.
So he keeps finding ways to draw attention to himself.
You are the 'Mummy' and when Mummy's out of the room he feels shunned and ignored.

But when you are 'safely' in the room with him he can happily ignore you.

But when you are upstairs 'playing' with someone else, then his Mummy Mummy look at my handstand comes out.

Sadly that might be the reason.
Rather than him thinking several luscious men are vying to attract you for encounters.