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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband always checking up on me

165 replies

Masterofhappydays · 28/07/2023 11:42

This is a really weird one. I sound totally loopy writing it out but any insight I’d appreciate so much.
Married to DH for 17 yrs. Happy etc.

I find though he is always checking up on me and I’m not sure what to make of it.

I am doing two masters degrees at the moment and we have 4 DC, I also work too at a school. So the only time I get to do my masters coursework is in the evenings and my day off midweek.

While I am upstairs doing my studying, he is constantly coming up, almost like he’s checking up on me. For example, he’ll bring me a coffee or snack (so very welcome!), but I know his secret agenda is to see what I’m up to. He knows I am studying!!! Sometimes he’ll come upstairs to “collect a mug” or a random item. Or he’ll come upstairs to use the upstairs toilet even though there is one downstairs. He doesn’t disturb me usually, he does it all in silence but it’s really weird and is starting to get annoying. I know he’s only doing this to walk past the room I’m in to check out what I’m up to. I feel like he thinks I’m doing something else. If I do shut the door, he is constantly coming in asking me if I want anything. So I can’t say “yes to be fucking left alone” because he’s ‘being nice’ while spying. I literally just want to study in peace. Each time he’s walking past now I just get annoyed and lose track of thought.

This eve, I’m trying to watch some tutorials on zoom which were recorded and in the half hour I’ve been up here he’s made me two coffees, asked me if I need anything once, walked in to collect an empty mug once, walked in to get a pair of socks once (even though he has a pair on and there’s about 250 pairs downstairs in the clean washing pile that needs to be brought up), used the upstairs loo once and has randomly walked passed one more time. That is within just under 30 mins that he’s ‘checked up’ on me seven times. This is happening every single time now. What the fuck??

I know this is such a minor issue in the grand scheme of things but it’s really bugging me now. I know if I tell him to not disturb me he’ll be passive aggressive and miserable for days with the intention to make me feel shit (which I won’t)….

Any ideas why he’s doing this? He gets plenty of attention, I literally try and study 2-3 nights a week but the more he disturbs me the more nights I’m going to have to study. He’s a bloody 45 year old man, he can make do without me for a few hours a night I do know.

OP posts:
PowPurry · 29/07/2023 22:09

Cherrysoup · 28/07/2023 20:24

I have never wanted a 'like' button more!

Show quote history

Ok I’ve never felt like I need to read a whole thread more.. but I’m guessing there is more to the original post.

CapEBarra · 29/07/2023 22:20

sparkiesparkle · 28/07/2023 12:13

Every time he comes upstairs, give him a job to do or an errand

This is a great idea!

‘Honey, can you strip the bed and throw in a laundry while your up here.’

’Darling, you couldn’t give the bathroom a quick scrub since you’re there.’

’Dermot, can you check my tax return/pair the socks/sort out that ikea unit/empty the bin/make the packed lunches, etc. etc.

That might make him a bit more wary.

SleepPrettyDarling · 29/07/2023 22:29

SeamsLegit · 28/07/2023 17:50

This situation has inexplicably INFURIATED me. I don't know how you put up with this, or how this hasn't given you the ick, regardless of how he behaves otherwise. The cling, the feigned innocence, the pathetic excuses, the passive aggressive behaviour for DAYS after being told to stop the weird behaviour, restarting the behaviour EVEN ONCE never mind like clockwork for YEARS, the puppy dog eyes, SEVEN TIMES in 30 mins... I am in disbelief that a woman of your obvious intelligence would accept this. Long before this stage, I would have had a conversation before each and every study session..... "I am about to begin studying. If you need anything from that room, get it now. I do not need ANYTHING. If I DO need anything, I will ask. Please parent the toddler for the durity of my study session, that includes preventing them from approaching the door. Thank you for NOT interrupting, I appreciate your support in getting the study done as quickly and efficiently as possible." Hell I might have had a script printed out! How on earth are you still with him???

I feel like this too. I mean, it’s not my marriage so I don’t know why I’m so riled, but the ‘it’s only surveillance, not really spying on me’ leaves me aghast.

He’s purposefully interrupting your study time, and when asked not to, temporarily gets huffy then resumes previous behaviour. I would be having one final, firm conversation to say ‘listen to me very carefully. Do not disturb me. If I need anything, I’ll get it myself. If you disturb me, that tells me you are ignoring what I’ve just said.’

Morewineplease10 · 29/07/2023 23:18

He's checking up on you.
Tell him to stop it.

JST88 · 30/07/2023 08:37

Why can’t you just speak to him about it? If he then acts in a mood etc then speak about that too, it’s not okay for a 45 year old man to go in a huff over being asked to give you some time to study & I’d be laying it out there for him

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 30/07/2023 08:45

jannier · 28/07/2023 13:52

Sounds like he doesn't want you to study

Coming a bit late to this but every time he interrupts you, OP, he breaks your focus and concentration so you have to spend time getting that back that you could be spending immersed in work - the 'where was I? question over and over. And of course it puts your attention back on him. Really simple but effective tactic.

DottyLottieLou · 30/07/2023 09:10

Can you go to the library to work? Or just tell him, the more he interrupts the longer it will take and let him sulk, his problem. If you don't say anything it will blow up massively in the end.

Happiestinmygarden · 30/07/2023 09:13

If not controlling, loneliness, task/parenting avoidance, attention seeking etc is it just pure nosiness? I’d be tempted to start reading the article I’m looking at out loud or boring him to death with the complexities of a theory you’re currently studying every time he comes up until he decides to leave you alone. I’m sure that won’t take long but in any case I’m sure talking about it could help with your essays so not really time wasted!

Twyford · 30/07/2023 09:36

I did ask before why he checks up on me constantly and if he thinks I’m up to no good, and he just said “no I was just seeing if you needed anything”.

I know you said that you've tried the tactic of telling him you aren't going to need anything other than a few hours without being disturbed but he slips back. I also know you shouldn't have to do this, but if you issue that reminder every night for a couple of weeks, might he get out of the habit?

Naunet · 30/07/2023 10:04

user1492757084 · 28/07/2023 11:59

He likes you.
He misses you

Why do people keep saying this? He’s a grown adult man and you’re acting like it would be reasonable for him to ‘miss’ OP so much over the space of 30 minutes that checking in 6 times or so is reasonable - it’s not. Even if he did miss her, to this level would be fucking weird and smothering.

I agree with you OP, it sounds like he’s trying to catch you out or something. If that’s the case, why not just confront him and not care if he sulks over it? He’s damaging your studies.

Naunet · 30/07/2023 10:14

Sorry opened this thread a while ago and didn’t refresh before posting, I see it’s moved on a bit!

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 30/07/2023 10:45

tootallfortheshelf · 28/07/2023 12:35

I think he is uncomfortable with you investing time in yourself so he feels the need to interrupt you AKA sabotage your efforts to improve yourself and your chances in life.
He feels happier if your time and focus is devoted to him, making you his servant- that's what feels right and normal to him.

Yep.

Tell him not to disturb you for two solid hours. If he sulks, call him on that! Why let him get away with this?

Bearpawk · 30/07/2023 11:09

Just tell him not to come into the room as it disrupts your flow. Problem solved.
Then if he doesn't manage that, you know it's not innocent and you can call him out on it.

TwinsPlusAnotherOne · 30/07/2023 11:26

F

Susurrar · 30/07/2023 12:09

You need to tell him to fuck off and/or give him a list of chores to do. Something new every time he turns up.

If that helps at all, I was like your DH in this scenario when my DP was studying for a qualification. I am not controlling or overly nosey but just so used to spending evenings together that I was upstars every 5 minutes, annoying him, like a needy child. Our son was in bed at the time, I was just aimlessly pottering around and eventually DP had to tell me to leave him alone 😁
I’m only trying to show you that it may not be anything sinister at all.. just stupidity sometimes.

KingsHeath53 · 30/07/2023 12:13

My partner did this to me when both working from home in lockdown. He just wanted my attention. I put down a firm boundary that he wasn’t allowed in to the room i was working from, no coffees, nothing. He was hurt and miffed at first but got with the programme eventually

Hibiscrubbed · 30/07/2023 12:48

He sounds like a suspicious and irritating shit.

Appleofmyeye2023 · 30/07/2023 12:59

I would just say to him that you are finding you are spending more time up there on your own because it’s taking you longer to study because of his and toddlers interruptions

you are at a loss to know what else you can do to ensure you do not get disturbed and how would he like it if he was trying* to concentrate and you kept going in and out and breaking his concentration. He might have smart arse response, so respond with well it’s just as well then that he doesn’t care about failing a course and having to take again which will be more study time and money wasted.

tell him, if it doesn’t stop immediately, and you are left alone completely unless the house is burning down or kids have an 999 emergency, then you will put a prevention mechanism on the door as he doesn’t seem capable of stopping himself for whatever the reason is he is doing it

dont accuse him of any motivations, just say it stops or you will put a prevention on the door to stop anyone entering
by the way, you don’t have to fit a lock- there are some robust door jammers you can wedge in to stop anyone from entering that you can buy on internet . You can hide it in between uses so he can’t take it away from you.

Appleofmyeye2023 · 30/07/2023 13:03

Alternatively, put the jammer in, then deny all knowledge of it being in place. When he starts pounding on door, say later you didn’t hear him as you’ve had to put ear plugs in to stop being distracted by his interruptions. Say you don’t understand why he couldn’t get in- they’ll be nothing to show you locked it. Just say there must have been an issue with door. 🤷🏼‍♀️🤣🙄

Cornishclio · 30/07/2023 13:05

Tell him he is disturbing your concentration and from now on if the door is closed he and the children are not to disturb you except in an emergency. If he is PA you have a bigger problem.

AnotherEmma · 31/07/2023 12:58

"I’m just trying to get my head around why he’s checking up on me. I know that’s what he’s doing, I’ve been with him for way too many years so can read him like a book. I just want to know why! When I ask though he feigns innocence and makes out like he’s doing something important (getting a random pair of socks) or being helpful (bringing me a coffee)."

He is gaslighting you. He won't tell you the real reason, to the extent that you felt the need to ask strangers on Mumsnet to come up with an explanation that is acceptable to you. You are adamant that you're the "Alpha", he's not controlling, you don't care if he's "low key" passive aggressive (except that you avoid telling him to fuck off so he doesn't act PA)... but whether he is doing it consciously or not, he is controlling you by refusing to allow you the uninterrupted time that you want and need. Maybe he misses you - I think that's bullshit, but even if it was true, it's not sweet, it's suffocating. You say he was cheated on by an ex in the past - maybe he has a deep-rooted fear that you'll cheat on him, despite all evidence to the contrary. Maybe deep down he doesn't like the fact that you're studying, despite what he says. Maybe he's just so selfish and pathetic that he can't bear the fact that you're not available to him at all times and therefore keeps interrupting you to satisfy his selfish desire for constant attention. Who knows. None of those possible reasons are justification for his behaviour.

You need to put a lock on the door and use it, or get one of those door jammers suggested by a PP. For goodness sake don't suggest that he can join you in there and do his own thing, that's ridiculous. And you shouldn't have to go to a cafe or library or whatever, not unless you want to. You have the right to some uninterrupted time in your own home FFS!

Sennelier1 · 31/07/2023 13:49

Could you maybe ask him straight out what he thinks you are doing anyway, and if he thinks you are lying and secretely facetiming with a toyboy? It may seem silly but asking the question right in his face, "do you think I have someone on the side" could shake him awake.

Original poster
Masterofhappydays · 01/08/2023 00:41

AnotherEmma · 31/07/2023 12:58

"I’m just trying to get my head around why he’s checking up on me. I know that’s what he’s doing, I’ve been with him for way too many years so can read him like a book. I just want to know why! When I ask though he feigns innocence and makes out like he’s doing something important (getting a random pair of socks) or being helpful (bringing me a coffee)."

He is gaslighting you. He won't tell you the real reason, to the extent that you felt the need to ask strangers on Mumsnet to come up with an explanation that is acceptable to you. You are adamant that you're the "Alpha", he's not controlling, you don't care if he's "low key" passive aggressive (except that you avoid telling him to fuck off so he doesn't act PA)... but whether he is doing it consciously or not, he is controlling you by refusing to allow you the uninterrupted time that you want and need. Maybe he misses you - I think that's bullshit, but even if it was true, it's not sweet, it's suffocating. You say he was cheated on by an ex in the past - maybe he has a deep-rooted fear that you'll cheat on him, despite all evidence to the contrary. Maybe deep down he doesn't like the fact that you're studying, despite what he says. Maybe he's just so selfish and pathetic that he can't bear the fact that you're not available to him at all times and therefore keeps interrupting you to satisfy his selfish desire for constant attention. Who knows. None of those possible reasons are justification for his behaviour.

You need to put a lock on the door and use it, or get one of those door jammers suggested by a PP. For goodness sake don't suggest that he can join you in there and do his own thing, that's ridiculous. And you shouldn't have to go to a cafe or library or whatever, not unless you want to. You have the right to some uninterrupted time in your own home FFS!

Reading this made me angry (on behalf of myself). Because you’re so right. I am allowed uninterrupted time in my own home.

Last night I was in the garage on the treadmill and guess what, he pops his head around the door to check I’m ok. I lost my fucking shit at this point. Got the usual “why are you being like that, I was just checking if you’re ok and if you needed anything” to which I said I’m bloody 40 years old, if I wasn’t ok I’d damn well let someone know. Cue him looking hurt, telling me he won’t bother trying to make my life easier next time etc 🙄 At least now I’ll have a few days peace as he will not follow me.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 01/08/2023 07:41

It sounds absolutely suffocating OP.

I don't know how you can bear it.

Think about what your children are being modelled too.

You are allowed zero space nor autonomy in your relationship.

So creepy.

I would absolutely hate for my children to be so continually harassed by their partner.

Zero peace, or privacy allowed.

Awful to read.