Husband always checking up on me

[Masterofhappydays]

This is a really weird one. I sound totally loopy writing it out but any insight I’d appreciate so much.
Married to DH for 17 yrs. Happy etc.

I find though he is always checking up on me and I’m not sure what to make of it.

I am doing two masters degrees at the moment and we have 4 DC, I also work too at a school. So the only time I get to do my masters coursework is in the evenings and my day off midweek.

While I am upstairs doing my studying, he is constantly coming up, almost like he’s checking up on me. For example, he’ll bring me a coffee or snack (so very welcome!), but I know his secret agenda is to see what I’m up to. He knows I am studying!!! Sometimes he’ll come upstairs to “collect a mug” or a random item. Or he’ll come upstairs to use the upstairs toilet even though there is one downstairs. He doesn’t disturb me usually, he does it all in silence but it’s really weird and is starting to get annoying. I know he’s only doing this to walk past the room I’m in to check out what I’m up to. I feel like he thinks I’m doing something else. If I do shut the door, he is constantly coming in asking me if I want anything. So I can’t say “yes to be fucking left alone” because he’s ‘being nice’ while spying. I literally just want to study in peace. Each time he’s walking past now I just get annoyed and lose track of thought.

This eve, I’m trying to watch some tutorials on zoom which were recorded and in the half hour I’ve been up here he’s made me two coffees, asked me if I need anything once, walked in to collect an empty mug once, walked in to get a pair of socks once (even though he has a pair on and there’s about 250 pairs downstairs in the clean washing pile that needs to be brought up), used the upstairs loo once and has randomly walked passed one more time. That is within just under 30 mins that he’s ‘checked up’ on me seven times. This is happening every single time now. What the fuck??

I know this is such a minor issue in the grand scheme of things but it’s really bugging me now. I know if I tell him to not disturb me he’ll be passive aggressive and miserable for days with the intention to make me feel shit (which I won’t)….

Any ideas why he’s doing this? He gets plenty of attention, I literally try and study 2-3 nights a week but the more he disturbs me the more nights I’m going to have to study. He’s a bloody 45 year old man, he can make do without me for a few hours a night I do know.

This.

People judge others by their own values, usually!

Yea but no.
He might not even be thinking that I’m up to no good, that was my assumption of why he’s behaving this way.

Could you study on the nights he is out, then you would have more time together?

My DH is not like this, thankfully, but I have a child with ADHD who struggles to prevent herself bursting in to my home office.

After the first lockdown I had a lock put on the door. As long as DH's in the house, if I need to be uninterrupted, I lock myself in.

Extreme, you say? So is a grown adult interrupting you 7 x in half an hour!

I also have a mug that says "Go away, I'm marking" and for a while I had an On Air sign for Teams calls.

Have a bit of fun with it...

He's reminding you of your 'responsibilities,' and is avoiding the kids. Passive aggressive perfection.

Kids mainly busy and self sufficient, so not that.

Haha, I need the mug you have!

No as he’s out a little earlier those nights so I have the toddler. Once she’s down to sleep, I have marking for work that has to be done those particular evenings. Otherwise would be win win.

It’s all good. I’m going with chore list, headphones and weird staring eyes.

You need the mug the Inappropriate Gift Company sell.

"I am not feeling very talky today so off you fuck!"

Haha going to have a look for that! Reminds me of someone at work who has one with two stick men.

One says “you look so unapproachable” and the other stick man says “yet here you are”! Love it!

I do wonder if he has been up to no good , not necessarily now but in the past. Some Men who have not exactly been squeaky clean seem to be very keen on checking up on their partners as they realise how easy it is .

Have only read op posts so maybe it's been mentioned, but, just tell him he's disturbing your concentration. Tell him not to come in at all. The door stays closed. If you want a coffee/snack you'll go downstairs and have a proper break.

It really doesn't matter why he's doing it. You just need him to stop. So put the boundaries in place and stick to it.

If he breaks the boundaries then that's another matter.

I would give him a benefit of a doubt - some people are just clingy :) if you normally spend a lot of time together then maybe that's what he likes so he is really checking when you will be done

if company doesn't bother you...ask him if he would like to sit with you. not to talk - he can take his own phone/ laptop and hang out in the same room.

Some people are like cats - they just want to be in the same room as their favourite person

I highly doubt it. He’s worked with his dad daily for almost 30 years now (I know) and now our son works with them too. His brother was working with him for 14 years until about 2 years ago. As I said, when he goes to hobbies he has his dad or one of our children with him. He doesn’t get a moment alone. Maybe that’s why he’s following me each evening, he can’t be alone?

He was cheated on by an ex GF in the past so I don’t think he would inflict pain like that on anybody else. As I said, always a possibility, but I sincerely doubt it. He just doesn’t have the opportunity. He’s also a great guy. I know I haven’t painted him in the best light but he’s a good egg.

Plus for all I know he might be checking in on me because he is suspicious of something else, like online shopping (doubtful, I don’t buy much) or maybe he thinks I’m watching porn or maybe he is checking that I’m not gaming or online betting or something like that. Who knows. Maybe he’s just genuinely checking that I’m studying.

I didn’t say ask him why. I said tell him to stop. You want him to stop, it’s bothering you and you are apparently not incapable of direct communication. So tell him! ‘You’ve been
past seven times in the last 30 minutes. It breaks my train of thought. When I’m up here, please do not come in.’

I didn’t say anything about you being a SAHM, so have no comments on that.

Yes. I don’t understand how this isn’t the obvious solution. Just directly tell him to stop.

Why can't you just say that you will be working for two hours and you need to get on with it without any interruptions, if you need anything you will come downstairs for it, and ask him not to come into the room in that time? It puzzles me why direct communication like this is so difficult.

I think this is maybe the most accurate response and one I hadn’t even thought of. So thank you.

That’s actually a really sweet idea, I will invite him in with his laptop. This would make a lot of sense as he’s always, always with someone so maybe just can’t be alone? Not out of loneliness or boredom, but just because he needs to be within close proximity of his fave person. Gosh now I feel awful for assuming he was checking up on me being suspicious when perhaps he just wanted to be near by and couldn’t articulate that.

This definitely makes more sense than him being a controlling cheater!

its way more likely that he just doesn't like being alone - and by the sound of it he literally cannot function without someone close to him being around all the time :)

What? Him missing her is not reason for him to sabotage her study?

The SAHM was in response to someone else. I didn’t say you said it or ask you to comment on it.

And I did ask him to stop several times over the past couple of years - so please don’t tell me I’m incapable of communication. I have said in a few posts that I’ve asked him what he’s doing and he feigned innocence like “I’m just getting some socks” or “I’m just checking if you need anything”…. I addressed this at the beginning of the thread. In the past I’ve got frustrated with him and told him to stay away and it’s been met with a low lying passive aggressive attitude, which I said in the very first post.

I’ve been with the guy for 25+ years. I’m more than capable of talking! I asked for insight and advice. Not insults of my character. But thanks anyway, I appreciate your response

I don't think it really matters why he's doing it. That's his weird paranoid problem. You need a couple of hours of peace and fucking quiet, it's not a lot to ask. I'd tell him directly not to interrupt you, period, and if he does anyway? Lock the door. From the inside.

(I am also doing a masters on top of work, and I have been known to do this to keep the DC off me while I study. Not the DH though, because he's the grown-up. I also have a regular arrangement where my laptop and I skip the bedtime ritual and go to the pub where I have dinner and a drink and study one night a week. Fyi.)

As I’ve said, several times, I have already done that. It’ll be ‘normal’ for a day or two before he reverts back to this. Cycle continues. This is ongoing, not a one week thing. Over the past few years I’ve said “I’m doing an assignment I need no interruptions”… he’s good, he’ll abide. But general studying he’ll hover. I’m grown up enough to know how to communicate.

Direct communication is not the issue.

I think the other poster is correct anyway.

Anyway, will leave it here. Got some great suggestions, thanks.

I'm another one who is confused by all this. Its really very simple.

1. "DH I am going upstairs to do my studies. Please don't disturb me as its very distracting and makes my studies take longer. If I need anything, I will ask.

2. go upstairs. Headphones on. Lock door if necessary.

3. he tries to interrupt or has a paddy, ignore it like you would a toddler which is frankly how he is behaving.

Problem solved.

Fuck yes, you’re a genius! Pub and laptop! This solves everything for me, haha! Thank you!!! Best wishes with your masters!