Husband always checking up on me

[Masterofhappydays]

This is a really weird one. I sound totally loopy writing it out but any insight I’d appreciate so much.
Married to DH for 17 yrs. Happy etc.

I find though he is always checking up on me and I’m not sure what to make of it.

I am doing two masters degrees at the moment and we have 4 DC, I also work too at a school. So the only time I get to do my masters coursework is in the evenings and my day off midweek.

While I am upstairs doing my studying, he is constantly coming up, almost like he’s checking up on me. For example, he’ll bring me a coffee or snack (so very welcome!), but I know his secret agenda is to see what I’m up to. He knows I am studying!!! Sometimes he’ll come upstairs to “collect a mug” or a random item. Or he’ll come upstairs to use the upstairs toilet even though there is one downstairs. He doesn’t disturb me usually, he does it all in silence but it’s really weird and is starting to get annoying. I know he’s only doing this to walk past the room I’m in to check out what I’m up to. I feel like he thinks I’m doing something else. If I do shut the door, he is constantly coming in asking me if I want anything. So I can’t say “yes to be fucking left alone” because he’s ‘being nice’ while spying. I literally just want to study in peace. Each time he’s walking past now I just get annoyed and lose track of thought.

This eve, I’m trying to watch some tutorials on zoom which were recorded and in the half hour I’ve been up here he’s made me two coffees, asked me if I need anything once, walked in to collect an empty mug once, walked in to get a pair of socks once (even though he has a pair on and there’s about 250 pairs downstairs in the clean washing pile that needs to be brought up), used the upstairs loo once and has randomly walked passed one more time. That is within just under 30 mins that he’s ‘checked up’ on me seven times. This is happening every single time now. What the fuck??

I know this is such a minor issue in the grand scheme of things but it’s really bugging me now. I know if I tell him to not disturb me he’ll be passive aggressive and miserable for days with the intention to make me feel shit (which I won’t)….

Any ideas why he’s doing this? He gets plenty of attention, I literally try and study 2-3 nights a week but the more he disturbs me the more nights I’m going to have to study. He’s a bloody 45 year old man, he can make do without me for a few hours a night I do know.

😁enjoy. My local practically has the pint poured for me when I get there these days. It works very nicely as long as you've got a reasonably quiet local with WiFi.

One of the big red flags with my EXH was his fake support of me studying. He was outwardly and verbally supportive, but was in his actions trying to make me feel guilty and sabotaging my progress every chance he took. Once I realised that, I realised how controlling and passive aggressive he was in general. You’ve made it clear you don’t want him to do this, the fact that he continues despite this would be the red flag for me.

They use things like the cups of tea as a ruse. It covers the bullshit with a nice action, and it confuses you and you feel bad saying anything. My sister is a narcissist and used to do the exact same thing, give you something whilst being a bitch so you’d be bamboozled. Took me years to recognise this in my husband.

The SAHM was in response to someone else. I didn’t say you said it or ask you to comment on it.

You put the SAHM comments in a response to me, in which you tagged me. That is saying it to me. That’s how MN works.

And I did ask him to stop several times over the past couple of years - so please don’t tell me I’m incapable of communication. I have said in a few posts that I’ve asked him what he’s doing and he feigned innocence like “I’m just getting some socks” or “I’m just checking if you need anything”…. I addressed this at the beginning of the thread. In the past I’ve got frustrated with him and told him to stay away and it’s been met with a low lying passive aggressive attitude, which I said in the very first post.

I repeat, asking him why he’s doing it isn’t the same as telling him categorically to stop. You’ve said multiple times that you’ve done the former. You haven’t stated that you’ve done the latter. Which is why multiple people (not just me) are asking why you haven’t.

So, have you? Have you categorically stated some version of ‘You’ve been
past seven times in the last 30 minutes. It breaks my train of thought. When I’m up here, please do not come in’? Not asked him why. Not speculated as to his motivations. Just told him to stop.

I’ve been with the guy for 25+ years. I’m more than capable of talking! I asked for insight and advice. Not insults of my character. But thanks anyway, I appreciate your response

My advice is to tell him to stop. I’m intrigued as to where I’ve ‘insulted your character’.

He’s a grown assed man - 45 years old FFS.
With 4 kids.
He should be able to leave his wife in peace, whilst she is studying, without either checking up on her or needing attention. But are absurd. The first is very controlling (7 times in 30 mins 🤯) the latter is just plain irritating.

No lock, just a door. If I close it he’ll come in unless I directly ask him not to beforehand. When I ask him to stay away, in all fairness he does. I usually forget. That’s my issue but when you have five million things happening in your head you forget to remind everyone to fuck off and leave me alone.

usually toddler will open door and leave it open, which is when he walks by “to get socks” or take loo rolls to bathrooms or collect mugs or whatever else. Those times he doesn’t come in but walks past like some security. Yea I could get up and shut the door but I’m usually covered in piles of papers by that point.

I am not a delinquent, I do think of these things!

That part jumped out at me too.

Seriously, put a small bolt on the door. Cheap and easy to fit. Or wedge a chair up against it. You shouldn't have to go to those lengths, but apparently you do. Bonus that it will keep the toddler out.

My very first post…. I clearly explain that if I tell him not to disturb me, he gets PA. It’s been mentioned since in a couple of my posts too. So yes, I….have….directly…..asked….him….to….stop…..disturbing….me.

”I know if I tell him to not disturb me he’ll be passive aggressive and miserable for days with the intention to make me feel shit (which I won’t)….”

I hope that answers your question.

usually toddler will open door and leave it open, which is when he walks by “to get socks” or take loo rolls to bathrooms or collect mugs or whatever else. Those times he doesn’t come in but walks past like some security. Yea I could get up and shut the door but I’m usually covered in piles of papers by that point.

At this point: ’Please don’t come in here for a couple of hours and keep toddler from opening the door, it’s distracting me.’ Like everyone is saying - direct communication.

Sounds like he doesn't want you to study

Yep.
Though he’s not disturbing me. Just walking past. Quietly. With his spare socks or loo rolls 😂

It is all good. Got some good ideas to work with from this thread so I should be all good from now! Thanks :-)

Take a flask up with you and a packet of biscuits. Or buy a pod machine.
Say " i have everything I need no need to check if I need a drink. I'll be back down in 2/3 hrs, please don't disturb me as I'm studying.

Er, no. It doesn’t. ‘If I tell him X, he’ll react in Y way’ doesn’t indicate that you’re currently telling him X. And nothing about your previous comments (when asked if you’ve told him to stop, you keep responding about asking him why) indicates you’re favouring direct communication. That’s why people keep suggesting it.

Honestly, if you’re going to get snippy because people are advising the most logical route (that it still doesn’t sound like you’re taking), that’s your decision. You clearly want ‘tactics’ to deal with your husband instead. It’s a bit 1960’s, but each to their own. Best of luck with your noise cancelling headphones.

My dd ( autistic) wears noise cancelling headphones when she's downstairs on her PlayStation and doesn't want to be disturbed. If I walked in on her she would be very upset.
So she texts me to say she has headphones on and I respect that. It's usually late and I'm in bed anyway. We all need our space and he ought to respect that, so I'd have a chat with him to tell him you'd rather he didn't come in when you have headphones on. If he doesn't like it, that's his problem not yours!

I don’t understand how that’s a response to what I said.

Jolly good. If that doesn't work tell him you'll be studying out of the house if he can't control himself.

Lonely for 2 hrs? Seriously. WTF

Exactly.. would get on my nerves.
Op just tell him you're trying to concentrate and if you need anything you'll be sure to let him know and shut the door. Seriously not your job to pander to a fully grown adult. If it carries on maybe start following him around the golf course with random cups of coffee for no real reason.

You may be willing to back down again op, but it's not 'all good'.

His behaviour makes you feel stalked. You have no control over his behaviour because you are afraid he will will be a PA wanker for days afterward.

You have said something to him before which is how you know how he'll react and how he won't listen to a word you say.

Why is it your job to adapt to and cope with behaviour that makes you feel powerless and irritable?

Also, he is signalling that he doesn't trust you. Be afraid here op, coercive control is a red flag.

So you’re now going to invite him in while you study? Is he that needy that he can’t do without your company for 2 hours? You’re painting him in a pretty terrible light.

1960’s? Care to elaborate?

And yes. I have told him not to disturb me, which is when he gets (very low key) passive aggressive by not disturbing me for a couple of days before the whole cycle being again. I did say that in my OP.

Him being PA doesn’t bother me in the slightest. I just wish to avoid that because I really can’t be arsed with PA behaviour when I’ve got my own teens to deal with and teenagers all day at school. Though if he does want to act like that then that’s on him, it genuinely doesn’t impact my day.

I have told him to fuck off before when I’ve been studying on a weekend for exams and he’s come in for the 10th time that day asking me what the kids want for dinner.

I genuinely am a great communicator and I’m not afraid to tell anyone on earth to piss off. I just shouldn’t have to remind a 45 year old, highly intelligent man, not to spy on me.

I just wanted insight on why he may be spying and his agenda. Like I say, if I ask him, he feigns innocence. I didn’t want advice on how to get rid of him for a few hours, I wanted insight more than anything. And I think one poster hit the nail on the head, which is great. I got what I needed.

Does he maybe think you're up there relaxing/scrolling through your phone while he's left with the housework and 4 DC? Not suggesting that's what you're actually doing but just trying to think what he could be "checking"?

I would just go out of the house. My local arts centre has a cafe/bar area open until late, with big tables and lots of power points. Anywhere you can think of near you?

”I find it hard to study at home with family life going on at home, so I’m going to try going to XX. See you later.”

It sounds as though intimacy in your relationship may be lacking somewhat?
You've already said you do spend some time alone together, but is there romance and passion?

How often do you go out together, have sex and lay in bed and chat? Open communication also seems it might be an issue.

I’ll ask him in the full knowledge of knowing he likely won’t. I’m more likely to take the pub study option to be honest.

Not replying directly to you, but someone said he’s controlling so addressing that in this post too… Honestly, he isn’t controlling in the slightest. At all. I’m deffo the alpha in our marriage. It’s not control, it’s surveillance.

And just in case anyone else thinks I haven’t. Yes, I have told him to leave me alone before. Several times! The times I ask, he does leave me alone. He mostly gets low key PA afterwards. Which doesn’t bother me in the slightest. Just I should not have to say it every single time I study.

*when I say low key PA, I do mean low key. Probably more hurt than PA? Who knows