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Original poster

Husband always checking up on me

165 replies

Masterofhappydays · 28/07/2023 11:42

This is a really weird one. I sound totally loopy writing it out but any insight I’d appreciate so much.
Married to DH for 17 yrs. Happy etc.

I find though he is always checking up on me and I’m not sure what to make of it.

I am doing two masters degrees at the moment and we have 4 DC, I also work too at a school. So the only time I get to do my masters coursework is in the evenings and my day off midweek.

While I am upstairs doing my studying, he is constantly coming up, almost like he’s checking up on me. For example, he’ll bring me a coffee or snack (so very welcome!), but I know his secret agenda is to see what I’m up to. He knows I am studying!!! Sometimes he’ll come upstairs to “collect a mug” or a random item. Or he’ll come upstairs to use the upstairs toilet even though there is one downstairs. He doesn’t disturb me usually, he does it all in silence but it’s really weird and is starting to get annoying. I know he’s only doing this to walk past the room I’m in to check out what I’m up to. I feel like he thinks I’m doing something else. If I do shut the door, he is constantly coming in asking me if I want anything. So I can’t say “yes to be fucking left alone” because he’s ‘being nice’ while spying. I literally just want to study in peace. Each time he’s walking past now I just get annoyed and lose track of thought.

This eve, I’m trying to watch some tutorials on zoom which were recorded and in the half hour I’ve been up here he’s made me two coffees, asked me if I need anything once, walked in to collect an empty mug once, walked in to get a pair of socks once (even though he has a pair on and there’s about 250 pairs downstairs in the clean washing pile that needs to be brought up), used the upstairs loo once and has randomly walked passed one more time. That is within just under 30 mins that he’s ‘checked up’ on me seven times. This is happening every single time now. What the fuck??

I know this is such a minor issue in the grand scheme of things but it’s really bugging me now. I know if I tell him to not disturb me he’ll be passive aggressive and miserable for days with the intention to make me feel shit (which I won’t)….

Any ideas why he’s doing this? He gets plenty of attention, I literally try and study 2-3 nights a week but the more he disturbs me the more nights I’m going to have to study. He’s a bloody 45 year old man, he can make do without me for a few hours a night I do know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Masterofhappydays · 28/07/2023 12:16

continentallentil · 28/07/2023 12:11

Why do you think he thinks you are messaging men online. It just seems an odd thing for him to think given he encourages you to study and there must be enough stuff around to make it obvious that’s what you are doing.

As a PP says the most telling thing in your post is he makes your life miserable if he doesn’t get his way.

You need not to give into this or it will get worse. I wonder if he is worried that your studies will take you away from him ie you’ll get a better job and decide you could do better?

Anyway you need to have it out with him - if you were working from home he couldn’t be wandering in and out of the room you are using. Tell him he needs to leave you be.

He might not be thinking I’m messaging other men online to be fair. I don’t know what he thinks. I did ask before why he checks up on me constantly and if he thinks I’m up to no good, and he just said “no I was just seeing if you needed anything”.

I just can’t think why else he would be constantly coming in or walking past. When he walks past he definitely looks at what I am doing. When he brings in coffee I can see he’s slyly looking at my screen to see what I’m looking at.

Yeah. The more I write the weirder the situation seems.

OP posts:
GingerIsBest · 28/07/2023 12:16

Funny enough, he encourages me to do the studying and is generally supportive.

His words and his actions do not paint the same picture. Sorry.

He's lovely when he gets what he wants but now he's not. Just a guess - did you used to be a SAHM parent when the teenagers were younger? Doing all the work, and jobs and childcare? Perhaps doing very little for yourself?

Original poster
Masterofhappydays · 28/07/2023 12:18

Seaweed42 · 28/07/2023 12:15

He could just be 'proximity-seeking' like an attention seeking child.

He simply cannot bear you to be out of his eyesight when you are in the house.
So he keeps finding ways to draw attention to himself.
You are the 'Mummy' and when Mummy's out of the room he feels shunned and ignored.

But when you are 'safely' in the room with him he can happily ignore you.

But when you are upstairs 'playing' with someone else, then his Mummy Mummy look at my handstand comes out.

Sadly that might be the reason.
Rather than him thinking several luscious men are vying to attract you for encounters.

Yep, this could make sense.
Maybe “mummy” will just give him a list of chores like a PP wisely suggested.

OP posts:
Original poster
Masterofhappydays · 28/07/2023 12:19

GingerIsBest · 28/07/2023 12:16

Funny enough, he encourages me to do the studying and is generally supportive.

His words and his actions do not paint the same picture. Sorry.

He's lovely when he gets what he wants but now he's not. Just a guess - did you used to be a SAHM parent when the teenagers were younger? Doing all the work, and jobs and childcare? Perhaps doing very little for yourself?

I was for a short while, with our two eldest children, yes! How did you guess?

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 28/07/2023 12:21

user1492757084 · 28/07/2023 11:59

He likes you.
He misses you

Lol. He's saying on her. He can 'miss' her but if he 'liked' her he'd let her get on with her work.

Liking someone doesn't mean being with them 24/7, that's stiffling.

TomatoSandwiches · 28/07/2023 12:23

He doesn't want to be the default parent and is hoping enough disturbances will get you to come do YOUR job.

He doesn't sound truly nice to me, it sounds like he knows just enough to say the right things so fingers can't be pointed at him but his actions say otherwise.

Spacemoon · 28/07/2023 12:25

I feel like there's way more to this.

Why exactly are you assuming he thinks you are cheating or on only fans? Is this something that's been bought up before? If my husband was doing this I wouldn't automatically jump to the conclusion that he was spying, I'd assume he was being a goofy weirdo trying to get my attention or that he was simply being nice and making sure I was ok with how much work I was doing - there must a reason why you think this is the case - i.e previous conversations, has he been controlling or jealous in the past? Have you ever done anything to break his trust?

Why can't you just ask him outright what he's doing and why - are you worried about his reaction? You say this has been going on for a year. HOW have you let this go on a year without addressing it properly with him.

You mention you think he might be trying to get out of parenting duties with your toddler - how exactly is this linked with the conclusion you've come to that he thinks you're up to no good? Surely this is a completely separate issue and something that again, needs to be addressed with him!

Original poster
Masterofhappydays · 28/07/2023 12:29

TomatoSandwiches · 28/07/2023 12:23

He doesn't want to be the default parent and is hoping enough disturbances will get you to come do YOUR job.

He doesn't sound truly nice to me, it sounds like he knows just enough to say the right things so fingers can't be pointed at him but his actions say otherwise.

I don’t think it’s this. Usually the toddler is either in bed or about to go to bed so all he has to do is take her to bed, which he does every night anyway.
The teens are usually studying or up to something else, they’re all very self sufficient and independent. There truly is a very minimal amount of parenting he’d even have to do.

I don’t think he’s trying to sabotage my actual work either. He is supportive of it. I’m just trying to get my head around why he’s checking up on me. I know that’s what he’s doing, I’ve been with him for way too many years so can read him like a book. I just want to know why! When I ask though he feigns innocence and makes out like he’s doing something important (getting a random pair of socks) or being helpful (bringing me a coffee).

Anyway, you guys have been great. Headphones. List of jobs he can do when he asks if I need anything! That’ll put a stop to it!! Thank you!

OP posts:
GingerIsBest · 28/07/2023 12:29

Masterofhappydays · 28/07/2023 12:19

I was for a short while, with our two eldest children, yes! How did you guess?

Show quote history

Becuase I suspect he's always been controlling but you didn't notice as much because for a long time his life was exactly the way he liked it - with you available at all times, the children taken care of by you, the house looked after by you etc etc, but now things are changing. You took a job - I bet there were some real teething problems there and/or that you just carried on doing 90% of the things you'd been doing as a SAHM. And now you're getting MORe independent by studying. Perhaps meeting new people. Probably men. Younger men....

... as a PP says, if my dh was being a bit weird, I wouldn't assume it's becuase he thinks I'm cheating. But your mind went there because I suspect this has been a low lying aspect of your relationship for years. His "insecurity" and your need to reassure him.

pinkyredrose · 28/07/2023 12:32

Ask him why he thinks you can't get anything you need by yourself?

Ffs just tell him to stop, he's acting like a needy child. Tell him that his constant interruptions are distracting you and causing you to spend longer studying.

Seaoftroubles · 28/07/2023 12:34

Just tell him you need you concentrate and not to disturb you for an hour at least.Take your own drink up with you and ask him to leave you in peace unless it's an emergency! His behaviour is ridiculous, is he usually the needy, suspicious type?

tootallfortheshelf · 28/07/2023 12:35

I think he is uncomfortable with you investing time in yourself so he feels the need to interrupt you AKA sabotage your efforts to improve yourself and your chances in life.
He feels happier if your time and focus is devoted to him, making you his servant- that's what feels right and normal to him.

Seaweed42 · 28/07/2023 12:35

I'd say...

"I notice you are upstairs a lot more when I am up here, than if I was downstairs. Have you noticed that? I wonder have you a feeling of unease or something when I am up there?. Just notice the next time, because it's interesting to me. Because I have been a stay at home mother and available to everyone, it can be hard for us all to adjust when these roles change a bit. We have agreed I can now take the time for myself to do this, it doesn't mean I love you any less."

And just see what happens.

The aim is to foster better and more open communication between you rather than less.

PousseyNotMoira · 28/07/2023 12:36

Ffs just tell him to stop, he's acting like a needy child. Tell him that his constant interruptions are distracting you and causing you to spend longer studying.

This. There are so many posters who seem incapable of direct communication with their partners. I do not get it. Just tell him to stop it.

Original poster
Masterofhappydays · 28/07/2023 12:36

Spacemoon · 28/07/2023 12:25

I feel like there's way more to this.

Why exactly are you assuming he thinks you are cheating or on only fans? Is this something that's been bought up before? If my husband was doing this I wouldn't automatically jump to the conclusion that he was spying, I'd assume he was being a goofy weirdo trying to get my attention or that he was simply being nice and making sure I was ok with how much work I was doing - there must a reason why you think this is the case - i.e previous conversations, has he been controlling or jealous in the past? Have you ever done anything to break his trust?

Why can't you just ask him outright what he's doing and why - are you worried about his reaction? You say this has been going on for a year. HOW have you let this go on a year without addressing it properly with him.

You mention you think he might be trying to get out of parenting duties with your toddler - how exactly is this linked with the conclusion you've come to that he thinks you're up to no good? Surely this is a completely separate issue and something that again, needs to be addressed with him!

No, never anything to break his trust. And no, nothing ever mentioned before. I don’t know what he’s thinking. They’re just the only explanations I can think of, as to why he’d check on me 7 times in less than 30 mins this eve and why he’s checking in on me each time I’m on my laptop. He may be thinking something completely different, who knows, they were just ideas I threw out there. I did say I don’t know what his agenda is, they were merely suggestions.

As for parenting the toddler, most nights she’s already in bed when I begin studying so I don’t think it’s that so much. He probably slightly resents having to be default parent once a fortnight (if that) when she’s still up, but it’s rare she will be awake still.

And when he does have a passive aggressive strop, honestly it makes no impact on me. I just can’t be bothered dealing with that (already have 3 teens and work with teenagers all day)! But if he does get PA or moody, it honestly doesn’t control nor impact me. Thankfully.

OP posts:
tootallfortheshelf · 28/07/2023 12:38

List of jobs he can do when he asks if I need anything! That’ll put a stop to it!! Thank you
If you give him a list of jobs he can do you will be breaking your focus, you should just ignore and block any interruptions, send a clear message.
If this was a man doing important 'man studying' he wouldn't allow any interruptions he would work it all to his advantage.

prairiedog1 · 28/07/2023 12:40

I know it might be difficult if you are in the middle of concentrating on something, but try to stare him directly in the eyes every time he comes in and does the sideways glance at your screen. He will get the message eventually.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/07/2023 12:40

I am so sure he probably thinks I am messaging men or something.

I find this so confusing, honestly. You say he's a lovely man, a good father, etc. Why on earth are you "so sure" he'd be thinking something awful like this? That he thinks your capable of this? That's not was a good man would be thinking, at all.

Original poster
Masterofhappydays · 28/07/2023 12:41

PousseyNotMoira · 28/07/2023 12:36

Ffs just tell him to stop, he's acting like a needy child. Tell him that his constant interruptions are distracting you and causing you to spend longer studying.

This. There are so many posters who seem incapable of direct communication with their partners. I do not get it. Just tell him to stop it.

I’m not incapable of direct communication.
I’ve asked him before why he’s hovering like a bad smell. He just feigns innocence or will say “oh I’m just up here getting some socks” or “I’m just seeing if you need anything”…

As for the SAHM comments. I don’t think they’re accurate. I haven’t been a SAHM for over a decade now, so it’s not that. He’s never been controlling or jealous etc ever before this.

OP posts:
twoshedsjackson · 28/07/2023 12:41

Headphones and a list of jobs both sound like good plans. Alternatively, once in a while, why not feign delight at his visit, and when his eyes stray to the screen, cheerily turn it round so he can take a good look - lovely that you're taking such an interest, dear, etc. It makes it that little bit plainer that you are aware of his reason for "dropping in".
Are there any truly tedious study topics over which you could enthuse?

TomatoSandwiches · 28/07/2023 12:41

Some people say that if someone is suspicious of you it's because their own conduct is less than desirable.

Could he have had his own affair op?

Original poster
Masterofhappydays · 28/07/2023 12:46

TomatoSandwiches · 28/07/2023 12:41

Some people say that if someone is suspicious of you it's because their own conduct is less than desirable.

Could he have had his own affair op?

No. He works with his dad and our eldest son. Goes ten pin bowling with our younger son. Plays indoor cricket with his dad and our elder daughter goes. He’s always with someone, he wouldn’t ever have the opportunity. Plus he wouldn’t (I’m as sure as a person could be, obviously I’m not naive enough to say he’d never do that, but he definitely doesn’t have any opportunity).

Plus he may not even be thinking I’m doing those things. That’s just what I was thinking could be possibilities of what he was thinking. He may be checking up on me so I don’t do any online shopping for all I know. It’s just whatever he is checking up on me for, means he’s checking up on me - so there’s an element of distrust. That’s what irks me.

OP posts:
MrsSlocombesCat · 28/07/2023 12:47

continentallentil · 28/07/2023 12:11

Why do you think he thinks you are messaging men online. It just seems an odd thing for him to think given he encourages you to study and there must be enough stuff around to make it obvious that’s what you are doing.

As a PP says the most telling thing in your post is he makes your life miserable if he doesn’t get his way.

You need not to give into this or it will get worse. I wonder if he is worried that your studies will take you away from him ie you’ll get a better job and decide you could do better?

Anyway you need to have it out with him - if you were working from home he couldn’t be wandering in and out of the room you are using. Tell him he needs to leave you be.

He thinks it because so many people do it! Not at all odd. But it is a trust issue.

Original poster
Masterofhappydays · 28/07/2023 12:47

twoshedsjackson · 28/07/2023 12:41

Headphones and a list of jobs both sound like good plans. Alternatively, once in a while, why not feign delight at his visit, and when his eyes stray to the screen, cheerily turn it round so he can take a good look - lovely that you're taking such an interest, dear, etc. It makes it that little bit plainer that you are aware of his reason for "dropping in".
Are there any truly tedious study topics over which you could enthuse?

might do this!

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 28/07/2023 12:48

Honestly, you need to tell him directly to stop interrupting you. It’s weird and would piss me right off. When I was studying, my DH left well alone, I was timing myself doing essays etc, I couldn’t have tolerated being brought coffee on a constant!